Power Couples

One but Two: Maintaining Independence in Your Relationship

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Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

Written by Allie Barnes
Correspondence by Haley Todd, MSW, CSW
This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.
—
In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)
Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).
There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:
93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.
When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:
28% said every few months
22% said every few weeks
44% said they take a little time alone each day
6% had not noticed a pattern
While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:
  1. It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.
  2. Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.
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Photo by Emma Frances Logan on Unsplash
I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.
Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:
  • The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and
  • What they need to do to recharge effectively.
Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:
Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…
The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.
When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:
  1. Pair the request with a future date
  2. Explain exactly why you need it
  3. Be willing to compromise
  4. Explain that it’s about recharging
  5. Take baby steps
  6. Keep your time apart balanced
  7. Be specific in what you’re requesting
  8. Explain how it will benefit the relationship
  9. Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything
  10. Highlight why it makes you happy
  11. Reconnect afterward
Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.
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Photo by Andrik Langfield on Unsplash
It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.
I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:
As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands. 
I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality. 
As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed. 
—
For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:
Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships
By McKay Strong, February 22, 2020
Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening
By Rian Gordon, July 11, 2020
Six Aspects of a Healthy Relationship
By Aubrey-Dawn Palmer, April 5, 2017
—
Personal Practice 1Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.

References

Degges-White, S. (2018, March 21). “Alone Time” Keeps Relationships Healthy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Komar, M. (2016, September 27). How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/184507-how-to-ask-for-more-alone-time-in-a-relationship-without-starting-a-fight
Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547

 

 

Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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Power Couples

Stuck With Your Spouse? Keeping Love Alive During COVID-19

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Written by Rian Gordon
After you first get married, you go through an adjustment period of learning how to live with your spouse. This can be a really difficult adjustment for many couples as they may discover habits or personality traits in each other that they weren’t aware of, as little things that once seemed cute become more of an annoyance, and as more time together tends to reveal more gaps in “compatibility”. 
Many couples may find themselves experiencing this wearing off of the “honeymoon phase” all over again as they are spending more time together due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Between working from home, missing interactions with other friends, coworkers, and family, trying to balance homeschool and taking care of kids, and the general stress of life during a time of crisis, you may be feeling a little more stuck with your spouse rather than happily married to them. 
So how do you get back to that state of wedded bliss?? Is it even possible right now? While our current circumstances may present some unique challenges, there are a few practices that may help you and your spouse keep your marriage and love strong during this difficult time. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Practice Positivity

In their research on couples, John and Julie Gottman have found that for every negative interaction, happy couples are having five (or more) positive interactions with each other (Gottman, Coan, Carrere, & Swanson, 1998). This ratio particularly applied to when couples were in the middle of working through a conflict, not even regular day-to-day interaction. If these happy couples were having five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during a disagreement, how many more must they be having in the everyday goings-on in their relationship? 
This practice of positivity is not something that may come naturally, but it IS something we can be more intentional about, and therefore improve. Here are two ways you can more actively invite positivity into your marriage:
  • Emotional bids: Turn towards your partner
Sending out an “emotional bid” means making an attempt at connection (Lisita, 2018). Any time our partner sends us an emotional bid, it is an opportunity for us to turn towards them by responding in a way that validates and acknowledges their attempt. According to research by the Gottmans, “happy couples turn towards their partners approximately twenty times more than couples in distress during everyday, non-conflict discussions” (Lisitsa, 2018). Check out this post for more info on emotional bids, and how you can turn towards your spouse.
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Photo from pexels.com
  • Show gratitude and appreciation
Expressing gratitude is an excellent way to strengthen your marriage and increase relationship satisfaction (Gordon, Arnette, & Smith, 2011). While you are practicing social distancing together at home, look for things that you appreciate about your spouse. Are they working hard from home to provide for your family? Are they helping the kids stay focused as they tackle school from home? Do they make the bed, put the baby down for a nap, or brave the grocery store to find food and toilet paper? Focus on the details. Gratitude is something that increases as you focus on it (Bono, 2018), so the more you practice noticing things to be grateful for, the more you will find!

Support Each Other

One unique challenge of this COVID-19 pandemic is that it has merged together the realms of work and home. Couples who may be used to spending work time apart are now having to figure out how to balance work and home life in one single environment. This can be particularly difficult because it gets rid of the automatic boundaries between home and work. When one or both partners work out of the home, it allows them to leave work at work, and have a healthy mental and physical separation between work and home life. Furthermore, it automatically divides many of the work and home roles, particularly for couples where one spouse works outside the home, and one spouse works as a stay-at-home parent. 
Many couples may be struggling to find balance because of these blurred lines, which actually opens up the opportunity for more emotional sharing, empathy, and working towards a more equal partnership. Work together to have open and honest conversations about your needs during this time, and discuss how you can better support and help each other in your various roles and responsibilities. It may also be helpful to consider setting physical boundaries in your home to divide between work and family life. 
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Photo from pexels.com

Remember Conflict is Normal

Conflict is a normal, and even healthy, part of every marriage relationship. When two people with varying backgrounds, experiences, and perspectives come together, they are naturally going to disagree on at least a few things. More time together can also lead to more opportunities for disagreements. If you and your spouse are dealing with a lot of conflict right now, don’t get discouraged by thinking you are doing something terribly wrong. Take comfort in the fact that conflict can lead to growth and a stronger relationship when handled correctly (Tartakovsky, 2018). 
Here are a few things you can do to manage conflict in your relationship:
  • Take responsibility for your emotions
One way you can express taking responsibility for your own feelings is by using something called “I-Statements” (Darrington & Brower, 2012). Try this simple formula: “I feel ___________ when you ____________ because _____________.”
Saying “I feel” expresses ownership over your emotions. When we practice this in our disagreements, it helps us to focus on the problem at hand rather than become defensive and argumentative with our partner (Rogers, 2018).
  • Take time outs
When emotions start to escalate, our thinking brains shut down and it becomes easy for a disagreement to turn into a loud, angry fight (Gowin, 2011). One strategy to help you chill out when you are feeling emotionally flooded is to call a “time out”. Step away from the issue for a little bit, practice some self-soothing techniques, and return to the discussion after you are feeling calmer. 
  • It’s not about “winning” 
Don’t forget that the best way to “fight” in your marriage is to fight for your relationship. Ultimately, it isn’t about winning. Disagreements are about working together to find the best answer for your relationship – solutions that make both of you comfortable. Any time you reach a solution together, you win much more than you would have if you had gotten your way, or “beat” your partner.
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Photo by Soroush Karimi on Unsplash

Still Have Alone Time

Alone time is an important and necessary way for many individuals to re-charge and self-care. Even though you and your spouse may be stuck in the same physical space, make sure you are each taking the time you need to take care of yourselves individually. My favorite ways to do this are by soaking in the bath, practicing yoga or meditation, and reading or writing! For my husband, he loves to unwind by listening to music, drawing, or going for a jog. 

Make Time for Fun

Research has shown that one of the best ways we can keep our marriages strong is by intentionally having fun together (PREP Inc., 2015). With all of this extra time that we may not be used to having with our spouse, this is a great opportunity to get creative and have some fun!
Check out these posts for some ideas that you and your spouse can try for some fun at home:
P.S. Don’t forget about sex! Sex is a great way to incorporate fun and flirtatiousness into your marriage. During this time of high stress, make sure you are setting aside regular time to have fun in the bedroom together. 
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Photo by Eric Froehling on Unsplash

Final Thoughts

While this worldwide pandemic may add extra stress and create unique circumstances in our marriages, the truth is, hard work is always required to keep love alive. If we choose, we can decide to see this time as an opportunity for us to re-focus on our relationships, and to incorporate intentional practices that will help us strengthen our marriages. Practice living right now so that when things return to normal, you will miss having this extra time together! 
Personal Practice 1Read this post with your partner, and together choose one way to intentionally work on your marriage this week.

References

A Prioritized Marriage. (2020, March 28). At Home Date Night Ideas for When You Can’t Leave the House. Retrieved from https://aprioritizedmarriage.com/blog/at-home-date-night-ideas/
Benson, K. (2019, September 11). The Magic Relationship Ratio, According to Science. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/
Bono, T., PhD. (2018). When Likes Aren’t Enough: A Crash Course in the Science of Happiness. New York, NY: Grand Central Life & Style.
Darrington, J., & Brower, N. (2012, April). Effective Communication Skills: “I” Messages and Beyond. Retrieved February 28, 2018, from https://digitalcommons.usu.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1791&context=extension_curall
Gordon, C. L., Arnette, R. A. M., & Smith, R. E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?: Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50(3), 339–343.
Gottman, J. M., Coan, J., Carrere, S., & Swanson, C. (1998). Predicting Marital Happiness and Stability from Newlywed Interactions. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.2307/353438
Gowin, J. (2011, April 6). Under Pressure: Your Brain on Conflict. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/you-illuminated/201104/under-pressure-your-brain-conflict
Lisitsa, E. (2018, September 12). An Introduction to Emotional Bids and Trust. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-introduction-to-emotional-bids-and-trust/
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Rogers, S.L. and Others. (2018) I understand you fell that way, but I feel this way: the benefits of I-language and communicating perspective during conflict. Retrieved March 14, 2019, from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5961625/
Tartakovsky, M. (2018, October 8). How Conflict Can Improve Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-conflict-can-improve-your-relationship/

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me

The Snooze Factor: Healthy Sleep Habits for Healthy Humans

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Written by Mariah Ramage
How much sleep did you get last night? Did you stay up long past when you felt tired enough to go to bed? Why? Were you trying to finish a project for work? Were you caught up in a good book and unable to put it down? If so, you may have fallen into the trap of believing sleep to be a nuisance – something that just gets in the way of having fun or being productive. And you’re not alone – more than 80 million American adults are chronically sleep deprived (Finkel, 2018, p. 66).
Since the invention of electric lights, it’s easier to avoid sleep in favor of other activities. We try to make up for it with caffeine and power naps, but those aren’t solutions. Science tells us that there are reasons for getting good sleep every night – benefits of getting enough and detriments of not.
When you get enough sleep, you have improved attention, behavior, learning, memory, emotional regulation, quality of life, and mental and physical health (Bocknek et al., 2018). Sleep is when our brains stop collecting information and take the time to consolidate and edit the new information from the day. Our brains decide which memories to keep and which to toss. Sleep has an incredible power to reinforce memory – something I would think you’d especially want the night before a big test, rather than pulling an all-nighter to cram. Sleep also allows our brains to make connections you might never have consciously formed – there’s a reason for the adage: “sleep on it”.
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Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
When you’re sleeping, your body makes physical and mental housekeeping and repairs. It’s time for your body to make sure it will keep working for you the way that it is supposed to. That time helps you maintain a healthy immune system, body temperature, and blood pressure. Certain hormones are best produced when you’re asleep, like human growth hormone – it’s why children sleep more during growth spurts, and it’s what helps adults maintain a healthy weight.
If you regularly sleep less than 6 hours a night, you have a higher risk of depression, psychosis, stroke, and obesity. You have an increased risk for injuries and hypertension. You can’t regulate your moods well or recover as swiftly from injuries. You weaken your immune system so you’re more likely to get sick.
Beyond the individual, widespread sleep deprivation is linked to reduced productivity, increased work absences, industrial and road accidents, healthcare expenses, and medical errors, which combined can literally cost countries billions of dollars per year.
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Photo from pexels.com
Given all these reasons, why do we still deprive ourselves of sleep? Who even knows how much sleep they’re supposed to be getting to not suffer from sleep deprivation? That number changes as you age and can be found below:
  • 4-12 months old need 12-16 hours (including naps)
  • 1-2 years old need 11-14 hours (including naps)
  • 3-5 years old need 10-13 hours (including naps)
  • 6-12 years old need 9-12 hours
  • 13-18 years old need 8-10 hours
  • 18+ years old need 7 or more hours per night

Tips for Getting Enough Sleep

If you’re struggling to get enough sleep, there are changes you can make to your daily habits to help yourself:
  • No screens for 30 minutes before bed. The light from the screens interrupts your body’s natural efforts to get ready to sleep. If you’re using screens in the evening, see if your device has a Night Light feature: it shifts the screen colors to the warmer end of the light spectrum that have less of an impact on your body.
  • No electronics in the bedroom. It’s easier to avoid screens before bed if they’re in a different room. If you need to keep your phone nearby, use the Do Not Disturb feature so it’s not vibrating with every notification – especially in the middle of the night.
  • Develop a bedtime routine. Having a routine can help both children and adults. Doing the same thing in the same order every night before bed tells your body it’s time to go to sleep. You can customize your routine to whichever tasks you need: wash your face, brush your teeth, read a book, pick out your clothes for the next day, etc.
  • Be consistent. Similar to having a routine, it’s easier on your internal clock if you go to bed and get up at the same time every day. There are certainly going to be evenings where you stay up late for something and mornings where you sleep in, but don’t let those be the norm.

    woman sleeping on bed under blankets
    Photo by Gregory Pappas on Unsplash
And in the end, remember, sleep is not an interruption of life. It is a necessity. So stop fighting it. You’ll see the benefits.

References

American Academy of Pediatrics Supports Childhood Sleep Guidelines. (2016, June 13). Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Supports-Childhood-Sleep-Guidelines.aspx
Bocknek, E. L., Richardson, P. A., van den Heuvel, M. I., Qipo, T., & Brophy-Herb, H. E. (2018). Sleep moderates the association between routines and emotion regulation for toddlers in poverty. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(7), 966–974. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/fam0000433
Finkel, M. (2018, August). Want to Fall Asleep? Read This Story. National Geographic, 40-77.
Gruber, R. (2013). Making room for sleep: The relevance of sleep to psychology and the rationale for development of preventative sleep education programs for children and adolescents in the community. Canadian Psychology/Psychologie Canadienne, 54(1), 62–71. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/a0030936

 

 

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Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
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Guest Writers, Love, Me, Mental Notes

Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel

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Written by Reva Cook, Mental Health Therapist
“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take the time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel.”
–Eleanor Brown
Many of us are serving from empty vessels on a daily basis.
A Gallup news poll from December 2017 indicated that on average, 44% of Americans feel stressed. That number increases to 49% if you are female. If you have a job and a child, that number goes up to 59%. And people ages 18 to 49 experience the most stress at 54 and 56%. For most of us, life moves quickly and there are many demands on our time, energy, and mental load. Many of us feel overloaded. The effects of this are bigger than just feeling unhappy.
Stress can cause a myriad of issues, resulting in depression, anxiety, relationship difficulties, irritability, and general unhappiness. Our bodies often will manifest our stress as well. Our emotions play a role in many types of chronic conditions — in how they progress or how we experience the illness. Reviews of the research have indicated since the 1970’s that 60-80% doctors’ visits are stress related. Many of our common chronic physical complaints (i.e. chest, heart and abdominal pains, headaches, gastrointestinal issues) have been showed to be affected, caused or made worse by stress. This is not new information, yet we still aren’t taking it seriously.

Running on Empty

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The analogy of a car can help us visualize why self-care is important and what kinds of self-care we need.
Our cars take a certain amount of attention to keep functioning. If we ignore the “E” light on our gas gauge or neglect regular maintenance, there are consequences. Not taking care of our vehicle means that it may stop running properly and it is no longer able to help us.
Our bodies and our minds also need attention. Eventually, neglect catches up. We may experience physical or emotional breakdown. To prevent that, we all need to have activities that maintain and repair.
A literature review of research studying the effects of self-care on those in caregiving professions (such as hospice workers and social workers), found that self-care was helpful in reducing burnout and symptoms of secondary trauma, and that it improved happiness. The review also showed that engaging in several types of self-care is more effective and protective than just doing one type of self-care. It would seem logical that what helps professional caregivers would be worth keeping in mind for all of us.

So What Is Self Care?

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Self Care isn’t just bubble baths and chocolate. It isn’t just exercise and eating healthy. It isn’t just vacations or walks in the woods. It can be those things. And a hundred others….
Self Care isn’t one specific thing……..
It’s many habits, big and small, which together soothe and make sure we are functioning at our best — emotionally, mentally and physically.
                Why is developing a habit of self-care important?
  1. Your health and happiness depends on it.
  2. You can’t give what you don’t have.
  3. Martyrdom is overrated. We don’t have to suffer and sacrifice our happiness and wellbeing for the sake of others. What good are we then?
  4. You are worth it.
Self-care needs to reflect and be flexible to our specific circumstances. Both our all-caps CIRCUMSTANCES — which are things not easily changed like your life stage or physical limitations, and our lowercase circumstances — which are things that change more frequently like if your kids are sick, if you have a really busy week. What you can do for self-care today may not be the same as what you could do last year, or even what you will be able to do next week.

Recognize You Need and Deserve It

“Taking care of your self doesn’t mean me first. It means me too.”
-L.R. Knost
Self-care isn’t selfish. Self-care doesn’t mean neglecting other people. Self-care allows you to have the emotional and physical resources to do all the things you want to do in your life.
If this is a hard idea, perhaps start thinking about the reasons to engage in self-care, about what it will do for you.
Still too hard?
Maybe all you can do is think about what you HOPE it will do. That’s a good enough place to start.
Then think about what is getting in your way. Do you need permission? Consider this your permission!
What else is in the way? Time? Money? Feeling unworthy of it?
Problem solve with someone who loves you and supports your efforts to care for yourself. It is possible to find things that refuel and renew with any budget and any time frame.

Make Time

“When you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.”
– Jean Shinoda Bolen
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Identify what refuels, rejuvenates and refreshes you. A self-care assessment can clarify what you are already doing and where gaps are in your self-care practices. Click this link for a self-care-assessment that identifies different kinds of self-care.
If you haven’t done anything for yourself in a while, you might have forgotten what you like!
Click here for a huge list of enjoyable activities to help jog your memory.
Now build your self-care plan. Click here for a worksheet that will help you in creating your own personal self-care plan. Once you’ve identified a variety of activities that might work for you, it’s easier to schedule them into your day and your life.
Self-care can be big or small. Try to do something every day that is enjoyable for you. It may be a small thing, like savoring your favorite cold drink. It may be bigger like hanging out with a friend. You might already do something enjoyable every day, but not be aware of it. Bring your awareness to it, tell yourself “This is for me.” This acknowledgment increases your enjoyment, and increases its power to refresh you.
Self-care is by nature kind and self-compassionate. Be gentle to yourself as you try to learn this new habit. Anything you do is better than nothing. Start where you are. Make one small change, then another. And as you make those small changes, like adding coins to a pile, the effects of them grow. Soon you will find that your ability to handle stress increases, your tension is reduced and your love and appreciation for yourself grows. And that’s a nice way to live a life.

 

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Reva Cook grew up around the world as an Air Force brat, gaining an appreciation and love for people of all walks of life.  She received her BS degree from Brigham Young University and her MSW from the University of Utah.  She has many years of experience working with those who are finding life hard to navigate. She has worked for Intermountain Healthcare as an ER crisis worker, and as Utah Valley Live Well Center’s LCSW.  She is a therapist with The Healing Group, specializing in maternal mental health, motherhood, anxiety, and life transitions.  She preaches the message of learning to love your real, imperfect, complicated life as a reoccurring guest on KSL’s Studio 5, in FB Live interviews with the baby cubby and Intermountain Moms, and on FB as Reva Cook and Instagram as @revacooklcsw.  In her spare time, she juggles life with her husband Clint and their 4 kids and 3 cats.  She enjoys funny memes, Diet Coke, and planning home DIY projects that occasionally actually happen.
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Power Couples

Balancing Work and Home

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
My husband and I work together – and we love it.
But not everyone loves it. I will admit – at first, I didn’t.  Richard and I have had to establish boundaries.
Our jobs are fulfilling and remarkable. We work in different places on our campus, so we see each other only here and there throughout the day. Because we work in a social science field, with adolescents with a variety of diagnoses, strengths, and weaknesses, it is difficult not to take work home. We build relationships with all of these incredible teenagers (yes, we like moody teenagers; shocking, I know) and it is hard to leave that behind when we get home.
Whether you work together or apart, it is important to balance the two and make opportunities for clear couple time as well as debriefing and self care to recover after a hard day at work.

Boundaries Matter!

Richard and I have set specific boundaries. Our boundaries for balancing work may look different than the boundaries that work for others, but after research, classes, and trial and error, we have developed a plan that works.
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Richard joined the company I work at over a year after I had been working there. I was nervous that, instead of acting like my co-worker, Richard would be my husband and try to rescue me when I was trying to work with an angry student. I admit that the fiercely stubborn and independent part of me did not want my husband coming and taking over my turf. We both have strong personalities, and I didn’t want all my hard work to be diminished by the amazing work my husband does. So what did I do?
I communicated.

Communication is Key.

No matter what boundaries you establish to keep your relationship stable and a safe haven after a long day of work, communication is essential.
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Communicating my fears and stresses to my husband helped us define areas where we needed to establish boundaries. And since we have begun working together, we continue to communicate. It is not a one time conversation. We have frequent conversations as new situations come up.
When we get home from work, we communicate about our emotional state:
“I need time to decompress”
“I have a lot of adrenaline and want to use it to get things done”
“Can you rub my feet for about ten minutes?”
Or, if it has been a really hard day: “Tonight is a pizza and ice cream night.” Sometimes we actually have pizza. Sometimes we don’t. Regardless, it’s a code that tells the other person that we have had the worst kind of day.
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Photo by Shane on Unsplash
Here are a couple of other tips:
Give your partner time to decompress.
  1. Truly listen to the things that stressed your partner about their work day.
  2. Allow your partner a set amount of time (we usually take 30-45 minutes) to relax before having to jump right in to home responsibilities. It takes time to turn off the work switch and turn on the home switch.
  3. If you have a job that allows this, leave work at work as much as possible. At the very least, keep the work emails and calls to a minimum at home.
  4. Set aside specific and regular date time. (We have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so we get all of our tasks done on Monday, and Tuesday is our date day. We run a few errands here and there, but we reserve as much of Tuesday as we can for couple bonding and self care.
  5. Have alone time. This is so important! Just because you are married doesn’t mean that private self care isn’t important. We each have specific time for alone time in which we are not expected to get any chores done – it is time for us to relax and rejuvenate.
  6. Trial and error. It takes time – some things work and some things don’t. Your relationship is unique and needs its own kind of customization.
Have a conversation about areas where you can improve the balance between work and home with your partner. Set up at least one new boundary. After implementing, communicate about how that boundary is working and make adjustments as needed.

References

Althammer, S. E., Reis, D., Beek, S., Beck, L., & Michel, A. (2021). A mindfulness intervention promoting work–life balance: How segmentation preference affects changes in detachment, well‐being, and work–life balance. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/joop.12346
Dee, A. D. A., Dizon, L. C. T., Aldaba, J. R. M., & Teng-Calleja, M. (2020). “Work is life”: An interpretative phenomenological analysis of the experiences of work–life balance among nongovernment workers. International Perspectives in Psychology: Research, Practice, Consultation, 9(4), 230–246. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ipp0000147
Dousin, O., Collins, N., Bartram, T., & Stanton, P. (2021). The relationship between work‐life balance, the need for achievement, and intention to leave: Mixed‐method study. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 77(3), 1478–1489. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jan.14724
Reverberi, E., Manzi, C., Van Laar, C., & Meeussen, L. (2021). The impact of poor work-life balance and unshared home responsibilities on work-gender identity integration. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2021.1914715
Starmer, A. J., Frintner, M. P., Matos, K., Somberg, C., Freed, G., & Byrne, B. J. (2019). Gender discrepancies related to pediatrician work-life balance and household responsibilities. Pediatrics, 144(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1542/peds.2018-2926

 

4B3A0588editAubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

 

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