One but Two: Maintaining Independence in Your Relationship

Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash

Written by Allie Barnes

Correspondence by Haley Todd, MSW, CSW

This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.

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In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,

Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)

Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).

There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:

93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.

When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:

28% said every few months

22% said every few weeks

44% said they take a little time alone each day

6% had not noticed a pattern

While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:

1. It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.

2. Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.

I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.

Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:

• The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and

• What they need to do to recharge effectively.

Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:

Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…

The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.

Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.

When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:

1. Pair the request with a future date

2. Explain exactly why you need it

3. Be willing to compromise

4. Explain that it’s about recharging

5. Take baby steps

6. Keep your time apart balanced

7. Be specific in what you’re requesting

8. Explain how it will benefit the relationship

9. Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything

10. Highlight why it makes you happy

11. Reconnect afterward

Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.

It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.

I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:

As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands. 

I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality. 

As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed. 

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For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:

Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships

By McKay Strong, February 22, 2020

Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening

By Rian Gordon, July 11, 2020

Six Aspects of a Healthy Relationship

By Aubrey-Dawn Palmer, April 5, 2017

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Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.

References

Degges-White, S. (2018, March 21). “Alone Time” Keeps Relationships Healthy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy

Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.

Komar, M. (2016, September 27). How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/184507-how-to-ask-for-more-alone-time-in-a-relationship-without-starting-a-fight

Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547

 

 

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Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.