Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships

Written by McKay Strong

Therapists say that communication is the number one reason that couples come to therapy. Luckily, good communication can be learned. It may take practice, but here are some tips to get you started:

1. Active listening

WE ARE ALL GUILTY OF THIS. Do not just sit there thinking of what you are going to say in response to what your partner is saying. The greatest thing is that this is such an amazing skill for all of the relationships in your life. If someone is telling you about how they got in a fight with their mom, you should be listening to how they feel, not just half-paying attention, half-solving the problem in your mind and inserting your unwanted opinion. This is key: if a person does not ask you for advice or a solution, DO NOT GIVE IT. Men especially like to be problem solvers, but a lot of the time, women just want to talk about their feelings.

2. Use facts, not opinions (and know the difference)

If you are in a conflict, be aware of how you are speaking. Relationship experts Drs Sherod and Phyllis Miller have created a fun visualization to help you do this in their “Couple Communication Awareness Wheel”. In their program, “Couple Communications” (2018), you are encouraged to separate between what is feeling, what is thought, what is a want, what is action, and what came through sensory data. These are all very, very different things. Just because you take something as fact in your story does not mean that it is fact, or that your loved one will perceive it in the same way.

3. Ask

This goes along well with active listening and really boils down to showing genuine interest in what your partner has to say. Express that interest throughout your conversation. Don’t interrupt when you shouldn’t be, but when it makes sense, ask for their perspective or for clarification. Take turns sharing points of view. There are many different ways to listen, but making sure that you are engaging in the conversation by showing genuine interest will help you master communication.

4. Reinforce and agree

Focus on what you agree on. The act of engaging in a difficult conversation alone is a pretty good sign that you want the relationship to succeed. That’s your first common ground. Let your partner know when you support what they are saying. Paraphrase what they are telling you so that you can make sure you’re on the same page. Reinforce their feelings – because they are as valid as yours are.

5. Intimacy

I’m not just talking about sex, people. There are so many different types of intimacy. Yes, sexual intimacy is one, but there is also physical intimacy, emotional intimacy, experiential intimacy, intellectual intimacy, and even spiritual intimacy. Each is important in its own way, and each is important to build a healthy relationship. Intimacy, in its simplest form, is trust. If you are able to trust your significant other with your emotions, your experiences, and your spirit, things will be okay. Working on building this trust in small ways over time will pay off in a big way as these conversations come about.

Finally, knowing the personality and communication style differences between you and a loved one can help you better be aware of the best means of communication. Being able to reach out to someone in the way that is best for them can help create a relationship of trust that good communication can only build upon.

Take one of the personality tests below with a loved one (whether your relationship is a romantic one or not) to strengthen your ability to communicate love and respect for one another.

o   Love Language Quiz

o   Myers-Briggs Personality Test

o   Big 5 Personality Test

References

Miller, S., Wackman, D., Nunnally, E., & Miller, P. (2018). Couple Communication. Retrieved from http://couplecommunication.com/. 

Patterson, K., Grenny, J., & Switzler, A. (2012). Crucial Conversations. New York: McGraw-Hill.

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.