Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Multiple people, married for a little over a year, come to me deeply concerned and say, “I am afraid that I don’t love my spouse as much as I did when I got married.” They are terrified that they are falling out of love and that their relationship may be headed for the rocks. Things aren’t bad, but they aren’t as great as they used to be either. The truth is, this process is completely normal, and if this is you, you haven’t fallen out of love. Welcome to the reality phase of marriage. Sometimes it can feel lonely and impossible, but hold on; you’ll get through this!
What is the Reality Phase?
Marriage has several stages, all completely normal. The honeymoon phase tends to last 12-18 months, and after the honeymoon phase, reality hits. When reality has set in, spouses may ask, “who did I marry?”, “did I make the right decision?”, or the dreaded, “what if I am falling out of love?” The answer is, you can’t fall out of love, because you can’t fall in love.
So what is love?
You can’t fall in love because love is a process begat by decisive, intentional nurturing, time, and communication. You can fall in infatuation, however. Infatuation is the attraction, butterflies, and eagerness we feel at the beginning of new relationships. Infatuation is important; it helps us identify people we are attracted to and like so that we can make decisions to pursue relationships we are interested in. This helps us develop deep, lasting romantic relationships. Infatuation is important because it opens us up to romantic love, but it is temporary.
The early stages of love – the infatuation and honeymoon are presented to us by the same parts of the brain that give us cravings, obsessions, and motivation, while brain regions associated with decision-making and planning shut down (Fisher, 2016). Once the prefrontal cortex (part of the brain assisting in decision making, logic, and planning) gets involved in our relationships, reality sets in more and more.
Love is not an emotion. Real, lasting love is a verb. But often we don’t think of it that way. We think of love as an emotion – something we feel for another person. If you keep thinking of it that way, remember that all emotions come and go. Happiness, fear, anger, sadness, and pleasure are all temporary. And if we define love as an emotion, that means that love is temporary too. There are times that we look at our spouse and feel connected and madly in love. And then there are times that we don’t feel that deep emotion. Because love is nurtured. It doesn’t exist randomly. We are responsible for creating our love lives – for creating a marriage that is the greatest love story of all time.
What’s next?
I want you to know that this is normal. The pain, the fear, the frustrations. It is all normal. I want you to know that you’re going to be okay. If you choose to, you will move through this, and on the other side, you will laugh at the experience. Celebrate, because as hard as this is, it means you are moving forward. You’ve hit the next phase of your relationship, and soon enough, you’ll reach the next one, cooperation.
How?
Reality is all about realizing and coming to terms with the faults of your partner, needing to accept feedback and accountability for your own flaws, and navigating how to make a relationship function practically. Once you are able to do this, you will be able to move on to the cooperation stage, which is all about working together and becoming a strong, organically functioning team. Here are a few things that will help you move from reality to cooperation more quickly and easily.
1. Accept 10 flaws (or annoying idiosyncrasies) (Hill, 2013). I’m serious. 10. That sounds like a lot, but I am not talking about the really big things (addictions, abuse, fits of anger, overspending, victimizing, etc.). I mean accept the little things. So maybe he doesn’t load the dishwasher the way you would. You’re not a god. He loaded the dishwasher, express appreciation and be done with it. Maybe she squeezes the toothpaste from the middle of the tube. So what? It’s toothpaste. You won’t die. Accept 10 of these trivial things. Because they are trivial. And if you can let them go, then you have much more time and energy to address the big things, as well as to celebrate the positive elements of your relationship.
2. Keep learning about each other. Though it may seem like it, you don’t know everything about each other. Ask questions, try new things, observe. This will help you to keep yourself partner-focused, identify new positive qualities, and appreciate new shared experiences. You have a lot to work through and are most likely to be successful in this endeavor when you “consciously make efforts to meet criticism and baggage observations with objectivity rather than perceiving personal affronts or attacks. Seeking to understand before seeking to be understood is the key to success (Anderson, 2018).”
3. Remember the Gottman’s 5:1 ratio. Relationships can thrive when 5 positive events and interactions exist for every 1 negative interaction (Gottman et al., 1998). These interactions can be simple, but they add up to develop meaningful experiences and beliefs, for positive or negative. Say “I love you”, “thank you”, “you’re so attractive”, “I love spending time with you”, etc. frequently. Kiss, hug, cuddle, massage, bring home little gifts, do little acts of service, frequently. This will help you continue to see value in your relationship and in each other while balancing and effectively addressing “the big stuff”.
4. Keep talking. In all relationships, communication is essential. Listening to your partner with the intent to understand is essential. I love this quote from Stephen R. Covey: “… listening is so powerful because it gives you accurate data to work with. Instead of projecting your own autobiography and assuming thoughts, feelings, motives, and interpretation, you’re dealing with the reality inside another person’s head and heart (Covey, 1989).”
1. Focus on at least two of the suggestions above.
2. Cut both you and your partner some slack this week.
References
Anderson, S. (2018, June 10). Newlywed Crash Course – Dealing with Baggage. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/newlywed-crash-course-dealing-with-baggage/
Covey, Stephen R. (1989). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Restoring the Character Ethic. New York: Simon and Schuster.
Fisher, H. (2016, February 13). The Science of Love, with Dr. Helen Fisher. Big Think. Retrieved February 3, 2019, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0YP4n9G0qtQ
Hill, E. J. (2012, August/September). Strengthening Marriage and Family: Proclamation Principles and Scholarship. Lecture presented in Brigham Young University, Provo.
Palmer, A. D. (2017, August 16). Are We Still in Love? Navigating Romance After the Honeymoon. Retrieved from https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/are-we-still-in-love-navigating-romance-after-the-honeymoon/
