“Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.” – Bob Dylan
For the most part, people avoid pain. Our brains are wired to fight, flight or freeze when they detect danger. Because most of us are no longer running from lions or physically fighting for our livelihoods, danger often shows up in less obvious ways. This includes mental health, interpersonal struggles, academic stress, neglect, physical illness, occupational pressure, familial betrayals, grief and loss, political contention and other situations that may not be life threatening, but are certainly painful. Our internal aching may not be apparent to those around us. Some of you may consider yourselves the silent sufferers of this world. Please know you’re not alone. There is hope for alleviation and transformation. This article explains that discomfort can be a wise teacher, and how we can benefit from our painful moments.
Pain Challenges Us
Image from conorneill.com
Let’s examine a common plot of a story. The protagonist receives some call to adventure. They begin hopeful and excited. Perhaps even ignorant and innocent. As the story progresses, roadblocks, challenges and danger appear. Then there is a period of decision making. Will they rise up to the challenge, or turn back? Usually the hero will face their fears. They are pushed beyond their limits. Often there is a symbolic rebirth and transformation. The hero finishes their voyage finding that it was not what they expected in the slightest, yet they come out wiser and truer. They are whole as a result of their painful path. This is known as “the hero’s journey.”
When we watch a movie or read a book this narrative is so familiar to us, we often have no fear for the characters whose lives we observe. We trust that all will work out in the end, because it always does. While we may feel certain of the outcome, the character spends the majority of their story in the unknown. A few things are certain such as their call to adventure, or the facts of their surroundings. The rest of their life, however, is unclear to them, and usually their original intentions must change in order to meet the demands later placed on them.
We love stories such as these because we relate to them. There is something so human, and even beautiful, about the sacredness of struggle. Yet, we forget so often that we, like the hero, must spend the majority of our own adventure in the unknown. If only we could remember that when we are in the thickest, most difficult parts of our tale. It is good to be impelled. Pain gives us a reason to learn; to overcome; to grow stronger. So, rise up to the challenge, even in your unknown. Trust that it will all work out – because it always does.
Masters of the wisdom traditions teach that pain is the great equalizer. Whether mental, emotional or physical it is a marvellous opportunity to connect with one another. Our natural tendency is to feel with others. It goes against our true nature to ignore our inner worlds, or to abandon others in their sorrow. A beautiful demonstration of this is from the movie Inside Out (Docter & Del Carmen, 2015). Riley, the hero, feels a great amount of discomfort throughout the film. She tries to cope by isolating, but only spirals further. When she finally shares her struggles with her parents, she feels deep love and gratitude from their listening ears and gentle hugs. Essentially their empathy heals her. The parent’s ability to see her for who she is in non-judgemental love makes her struggle worth it in the end. Connection is the goal in any story, including our own.
A hero is willing to be in their pain for however long is necessary. Consider what was taught by J.R.R. Tolkien in the dialogue between two heroes:
Sam: It’s like in the great stories Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were, and sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something. Even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back only they didn’t. Because they were holding onto something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo. And it’s worth fighting for. (Tolkien, 1991).
As imperfect people we frequently “turn back”. We betray our value system through numbing, abandoning, and blaming. We tell ourselves we won’t make it, can’t do it. The discomfort will consume us, ruin us or destroy us. However, avoiding our pain only intensifies it. Judging our suffering keeps us thinking in circles. Staying with our pain is the only way to come out the other side. This is far easier said than done. In fiction it appears obvious, worth the struggle or the practical choice. Our realities are much different. Our pain often lasts longer than the 2 hour film, or a 300 page novel.
Our struggles may seem less dramatic, but more persistent than the characters in stories. Yet, storytelling can be a powerful way to work through the anxiety of necessary pain. Research suggests that rewriting your own narrative increases pain resilience (Nurser et. al, 2018). So, how can we rewrite our past narrative in a way that serves us? The following outlines this practice:
In a journal start with a difficult past memory, and write out everything you felt and still feel about it. Be descriptive and honest. Identify the main takeaway or message you gleaned from this experience.
Notice in your current life when that same message comes to mind, and write it down in the story you created.
Ask others connected to the memory how they remember it, and add their perspective to this narrative.
Now think of times when people proved you wrong. When someone did something, or something occurred that doesn’t fit the message from the past incident.
Write another section of the things you’ve learned having lived through that experience, and ways you’ve grown stronger.
Once you’ve compiled all the data around this core belief, rewrite it in narrative form. Write this in third person. Be the author, not the main character and feel excited about the hero about which you’re writing. This final story should be at least a few pages.
Notice the difference you see in the original perspective of the incident and the end of the story you’ve created. You’ll find that when the pen hits the paper it will lead you to a more hopeful resolution as your mind looks for meaning and purpose.
Now, go share it with others. Tell your story. Inspire yourself and others through the power of storytelling.
One study found that practicing sharing our stories and using our imaginations through conversation, journal writing and meditation can have positive effects on our overall health (Burton & King, 2009). So, be brave enough to day dream a little. We have to have the vision, even in the pain, to create the lives we want.
And ultimately: Be grateful for what pain makes possible.
This Week:
Ask yourself, “What am I to learn from this pain?”
Listen. Be Open. Be patient. Learning what our pain is teaching can take time. Often it’s realized in hindsight.
Allow others to help you. Accepting love and support can feel like an added risk when you’re already in a dark spot. This choice is well worth it.
Practice more adaptive storytelling. Use your imagination to create bold and hopeful outcomes. Remember that heroes in stories don’t know they will prevail. They required faith just like we do.
References
Burton, C. M., & King, L. A. (2009). The health benefits of writing about positive experiences: The role of broadened cognition. Psychology and Health, 24(8), 867-879.
Docter, P., & Del Carmen, R. (2015). Inside Out. Walt Disney Studios Motion Pictures.
Nurser, K. P., Rushworth, I., Shakespeare, T., & Williams, D. (2018). Personal storytelling in mental health recovery. Mental Health Review Journal
Tolkien, J. R. R. (1991). The lord of the rings. HarperCollins.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
The classic, “Mom/Dad, where do babies come from?” is a question that catches many parents off guard. In fact, research indicates that even though most parents believe this is an important topic to discuss with their children, many have yet do so because they worry that their kids aren’t old enough (Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), that talking about sex may encourage their children to engage in sexual behaviors (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Wilson, 2010), and that their attempts to tackle this tricky topic won’t be successful (Afifi et al., 2008; Koren et al., 2019; Somers et al., 2019). However, as more and more sexually explicit information becomes readily available to children at even younger ages, the more critical it becomes for parents to address this topic with their kids early on. Especially since research supports the idea that parent-child discussions about sex are protective factors against risky sexual behavior (Afifi et al., 2008).
Luckily, there are things you as a parent can do to help you feel more prepared to answer this question when it comes around, and to help your child feel more prepared and comfortable with the answer. Below, I discuss a few evidence-based recommendations that can help guide you as you seek to navigate discussions surrounding health and sexuality with the young people in your life.
Deal with Your Own Discomfort
If you want to have successful conversations with your kids about sex, it is important for you to examine your own beliefs surrounding sexuality. Everyone develops their own belief system surrounding the topic of sex based on factors such as when and how the topic was addressed in their home growing up, religious beliefs, and personal sexual relationships and experiences (Hornor, 2004). These beliefs parents hold heavily impact their ability to effectively communicate with children about sex, particularly since kids pick up on the cues parents send when discussing the topic (Afifi et al., 2008). In a qualitative study, Afifi and colleagues (2008) found that adolescents who discussed sex with parents who were more casual and comfortable felt less discomfort and anxiety themselves during the discussion, which in turn resulted in less avoidance of the subject. It can be difficult to speak comfortably and casually, however, if you yourself have negative beliefs about sex.
Because of this, I encourage you to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself, is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider? Becoming self-aware of your own beliefs and then being intentional about which beliefs you would like to pass on to your kiddos can help set you up for success in keeping these important conversations positive and healthy.
Use Positive Communication Skills
Wilson and colleagues (2010) found that parents were more likely to feel confident discussing difficult topics with their child if they had a strong relationship, so make time to regularly talk and spend time with your kids. Don’t feel the need to create a fanfare or some type of event in order to justify talking with them about sex, or any other topic for that matter. Somers et al. (2019) suggest that speaking more often about sex in particular increases the likelihood of positive communication as well as more comfort with the conversation, so find natural moments to bring up and discuss bodies and sexuality. Great opportunities for this can be bath time, when you or your partner are menstruating, pregnancy, and watching nature shows.
Furthermore, when having these conversations, try not to lecture. Somers and colleagues (2019) found that conversations that were dominated by the parent and that did not leave room for questions or open discussion were not only less effective in helping children make healthy sexual decisions later on in life, but were actually correlated with higher amounts of adolescent sex.
Build Trust Through Honesty
Trust is another essential element in maintaining a strong relationship, and, as Afifi and colleagues (2008) explain, also a key factor in adolescents’ willingness to have conversations with their parents about sex. When parents answer their children’s questions honestly and clearly, kids see them as a trusted resource and are more willing to come to them for sexual information (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can practice honesty in your discussions with your children is by using the correct terminology for body parts. Using correct terminology helps children avoid misunderstandings about bodies and sex and can also help them develop confidence in their bodies and practice body safety (Kenny & Wurtele, 2008).
Self-efficacy, or the belief that you are capable of accomplishing a task, is another factor linked with more positive discussions between parents and children regarding sexuality (Afifi et al., 2008). A parent who feels more confident that they can successfully discuss sex with their child is more likely to have successful conversations (Afifi et al., 2008). One way you can overcome any initial discomfort that you may feel in discussing this tricky topic is through practice! Consider watching yourself in the mirror and paying particular attention to your body language, since that is an immediate giveaway of comfort level. For those of you who are parents with younger children, beginning to have conversations about sex when children are little (even before they can understand what is being said) can also give you more opportunities to practice and get comfortable (Wilson et al., 2010).
Finally, remember that it is okay for you not to have all the answers. If one of your kids comes to you with a question you aren’t sure how to respond to, it is absolutely appropriate to say something along the lines of, “That is a great question! I don’t have an answer for you right now, but can you give me some time to think about it and we can come back together to talk about it before bed tonight?” Then follow up with them once you have practiced your response. Another option would be to take a moment right then to model some research and critical thinking skills and look up the answer together with your child. Either approach lets your little one know that you value their question, and that they can come to you for truthful answers.
It is likely that even with these suggestions you will not be perfect in having conversations about sex with your kids (heaven knows, I’m not, and I study this for a living!). However, as you gain confidence through practice, build a foundation of trust, and focus on continuing to develop your relationship with your children, you can move forward trusting that what you have to offer will be enough to help your kids move forward towards healthy and happy sexual relationships of their own someday.
Take some time to think critically about your own beliefs surrounding sex and to consider what beliefs you would like to pass on to your children. Ask yourself these questions: Is sex something I value as an important part of human relationships? Do I have any anxieties or unresolved trauma that could impact how I approach the topic? How do I feel about sexuality outside the realm of heteronormativity? Do I have any moral values or expectations that I would like my children to consider?
References
Afifi, T. D., Joseph, A., & Aldeis, D. (2008). Why can’t we just talk about it?: An observational study of parents’ and adolescents’ conversations about sex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 23(6), 689–721. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558408323841
Hornor, G. (2004). Sexual behavior in children: Normal or not? Journal of Pediatric Health Care, 18(2), 57–64. https://doi.org/10.1016/S0891-5245(03)00154-8
Kenny, M. C., & Wurtele S. K. (2008) Preschoolers’ knowledge of genital terminology: A comparison of English and Spanish speakers. American Journal of Sexuality Education, 3(4), 345-354. https://doi.org/10.1080/15546120802372008
Koren, A. (2019, January 31). Reproductive health for teens: Parents want in too. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(5), 406-413. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2018.1549635
Wilson, E. K., Dalberth, B. T., Koo, H. P., & Gard, J. C. (2010). Parents’ perspectives on talking to preteenage children about sex. Perspectives on Sexual and Reproductive Health, 42(1), 56–63. https://doi.org/10.1363/4205610
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She is married to her best friend Mark, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021.
A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage.
A Different Way of Looking at Stress
Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it.
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B).
This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him.
C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially.
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.
References
Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
The term “emerging adult” has taken on many names from “extended adolescence” to “delayed adulthood” to “those confused 20-somethings.” Correct terminology aside, all of these titles refer to the same group of 18- to 29-year-olds that seems to be caught between the dependency of adolescence and the independence of adulthood.
Emerging adulthood, as a stage of development, is relatively new in the realm of social science and has been the subject of many research studies. All of these studies have sought to answer one question: how can we better understand the experiences of emerging adults and help in the transition to adulthood?
The Myths of Emerging Adulthood
Jeffrey Arnett, the researcher who coined the term “emerging adulthood,” has described emerging adulthood as the age of identity exploration, instability, self-focus, and possibility (Arnett, 2021). These characteristics have given rise to many negative stereotypes around this stage of life, including the idea that emerging adults are selfish, depressed, and quick to participate in risky behaviors.
While these stereotypes may have some truth to them, Arnett argues that they have been blown way out of proportion. In fact, much of the behavior of emerging adults can be attributed to the “combination of changing social norms, shifting economic conditions, and advancing technology” (Schwartz, 2013).
For example, changing social norms have perpetuated the stereotype of selfishness. While the norm several generations ago was to settle into a career and a romantic relationship soon after graduating high school, today, a more competitive job market has pushed many young adults to pursue higher levels of education in order to compete for high-paying and satisfying jobs (Schwartz, 2013). This extended period of time pursuing higher education, combined with recent economic changes, has caused many emerging adults to refrain from settling down until they have secured a stable source of income. Thus, many emerging adults adopt independent lifestyles that are sometimes seen as self-gratifying.
Likewise, the stereotypes of depression and risky behaviors are fueled by the stress and instability that emerging adults face due to the competitive job market and growing social and educational expectations (Goldsmith, 2018).
How to Help and Support an Emerging Adult
For a generation of parents who were held to a very different set of expectations in their 20s, this new stage of development can be just as confusing for them as it is for their emerging adult. Jennifer Tanner, a social scientist whose research focuses on better understanding the transition to adulthood, said, “The problem is that we know how to steer emerging adults to get a ‘good’ job . . . and have a ‘good’ family. But we’re not so good at knowing how to help emerging adults explore and find themselves” (2010).
Tanner explains that no emerging adult is the same: Each one will require a different combination of support and motivation during this time of instability (2010). However, discovering this combination is often easier said than done. To provide a starting point, below is a list of things that parents can practice in order to foster a healthy relationship with their emerging adult:
Help your emerging adult balance dependence with independence. Whether your emerging adult lives away from home or in your basement, they should be treated like, well, an adult. Even if you provide them with some financial support, setting boundaries and expectations for them to live up to, while also respecting their privacy and having faith in their ability to handle their own lives, will help them gradually transition into a state of complete independence (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).
Be careful not to “jiggle the habitat.” Marriage and Family Therapist, Stephenie Lievense compared caring for emerging adults to caring for newly transformed butterflies (2013). She explains that although butterflies emerge from their cocoons with beautiful wings, they are not necessarily ready for flight right away. Those who care for butterflies must refrain from “jiggling the habitat” because doing so could further harm the butterfly.
Similarly, bombarding an emerging adult with questions or unsolicited advice could cause them more anxiety than motivation. While it can be difficult to simply sit back and watch your emerging adult make their own decisions in life, it is necessary if you wish to teach them how to gain their own footing.
Maintain open communication. The only way to understand the complexity of an emerging adult is to establish an open, accepting, and honest line of communication (Goldsmith, 2018).This type of communication seeks to voice your concerns when necessary, but your emerging adult should also be able to ask for distance or support as they need it.
Model a healthy lifestyle. Your emerging adult needs to see what a healthy lifestyle looks like in order to create their own (Alongi & Wolf, 2019).They need to be reassured that the best is yet to come and that having to struggle and ask for help is often healthy. One of the best ways to do this, in a manner that still respects their space and experiences, is through your example.
Take care of yourself. Be open about when you face hardships, and share resources that helped you overcome them. Be someone who your emerging adult can relate to, and it may motivate them to model their own lives after yours.
Following these principles can help you maintain a good relationship with your emerging adult and can provide them with more stability during an otherwise very unstable time. One of the healthiest things an emerging adult can receive during this period of development is the reassurance that they are valued and respected and that you have faith in their ability to build the life that is best for them.
If you are a parent of an emerging adult, consider how you can practice principles taught in this article. Perhaps work on establishing or strengthening open, accepting, and honest communication with your emerging adult, or consider how you can be healthier in your own life, to better model a healthy lifestyle.
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
“I have been so focused on taking care of everyone else that I don’t even know what I need anymore.” “I feel like I’m fading away in this monotony.” “Who even am I?”
If you’ve ever found yourself thinking any of these things, you might just be a mom.
Motherhood is one of the most demanding and difficult jobs out there. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing, and when you are giving so much of yourself to your children, it can be easy to feel like you’ve gotten lost in translation. I am a mom twice over, and each time I feel like I’ve had to re-discover myself — my goals and personal priorities, how I feel most comfortable expressing myself, how to best tend to my physical/emotional/mental/spiritual needs, what brings me the most joy, what makes me feel most like ME. And according to research, this is a pretty common experience for a lot of moms (Laney et al., 2015).
So how do we balance giving of ourselves and staying true to who we are in a relationship that requires so much of us? Here are five principles that have helped me to maintain my identity in motherhood.
1. “Mother” is not (and should not be) your only role
Becoming a mother drastically changes your life. Not only does it require you to physically care for a helpless human being, it also comes with a lot of societal baggage and expectations that carry with them the entire history of motherhood (Choi et al., 2005). Because of this, it can be easy to get overwhelmed and feel like you aren’t measuring up!
If you feel like you are getting lost in all of the pressure and comparison, take a step back and remember that you are more than just “Mom”.
Although you may be your child’s entire world (especially when they are teeny tiny), don’t feel guilty if being a mother doesn’t make you feel completely fulfilled all the time. Of COURSE we love our children with our whole hearts, and of COURSE we want to give them the world, and our best selves. But your needs are also important. You are a multi-dimensional human being who is not completely defined by the role of mother. Make sure that you are nourishing the other parts of yourself, and that you are finding your worth and value in more than just the development of your kiddos. Remember: when we take care of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual needs, there is more of us to give to those we love.
Try this:
Take a break from social media to help you avoid comparing yourself with others
Don’t allow others to dictate what being a good mom means to you by setting healthy boundaries
2. Whether you choose to work outside the home or not, you’re right
One of the most loaded and difficult topics to navigate as a mother is outside-the-home work. A woman’s career can be an incredibly important part of her identity, defining many of her relationships, dictating how she spends her time, and ultimately shaping how she relates to the world. When you become a mom, however, it can be difficult to know whether you should stay at home full time, or continue pursuing a career outside the home along with your new full-time job of parenting. Sometimes you don’t really have a choice, which can further complicate the issue.
Rather than arguing whether or not working outside of the home when you are a mom is right, I feel it is better to ask yourself whether or not it is the right choice FOR YOU. Research has actually shown that the woman’s preference is one of the most important factors in determining the relationship between her working status and her mental health (along with social support and job quality) (Gordon, 2018).
When it comes down to it, finding the right work/home balance for you can help you have better mental health and be a better mom and partner. So, if you aren’t sure what that best fit looks like for you and your family, try asking yourself these questions:
Do I want to be working outside the home as a mom?
Does pursuing a career bring me joy and help me feel fulfilled?
What resources can I draw on to help me find a manageable and healthy work/life balance?
If working is not currently an option for me, in what other ways can I continue to develop myself, my talents, and my relationships?
Many mothers, especially stay-at-home moms, spend the majority of their time with their children. That’s okay! Kids take a lot of time and energy, especially when they are little, and making that sacrifice to be with your kids in these especially formative years can be so rewarding. However, it can be easy to lose yourself (and your mind) when your only conversation partner all day is your toddler!
Take the time to nurture the adult relationships in your life that aren’t directly tied to your motherhood (ie. playgroup moms are awesome, but they aren’t the only adult friends you should make time to see). Be particularly intentional about setting aside time with your partner – when the kids are all grown up and gone, they will be the one you are left with. Check out this post here for more information on the problems with making your children your #1 relationship priority!
Try this:
Set aside time for a weekly date night with your partner
Schedule a lunch date with a friend, sans kids
Plan a girl’s weekend for you and some friends
Have another couple over after the kids are in bed for dessert and games
4. Don’t feel like you have to abandon your personal hopes, dreams, and passions
You have to sacrifice a lot when you’re a mom, but you should NOT have to sacrifice your identity!
The things you are passionate about are what make you YOU. While you will most likely have to make adjustments to the amount of time you spend in pursuing your own personal goals, you do not have to give them up entirely in order to be a good mother! Continuing to develop yourself in a variety of areas will benefit you, your marriage, and your parenting, so please don’t stop working towards becoming your best self as you help your children to do the same.
Photo by Michael Burrows from Pexels
Remember that you are not the only person responsible for raising your child. Don’t feel like that burden is solely on you. Rely on your village to give you the support you need in tending to your family and also tending to yourself. Asking for help does not need to be a last resort after you’re already at the end of your rope. Utilize your partner, family members, community, child care, etc. to help you have the time and space you need to continue learning, growing, and developing your individual identity.
Try this:
Read The How of Happiness by Sonja Lyubomirsky or The Happiness Project by Gretchin Rubin to re-connect with your passions
Take a community class to help you develop a personal talent or try a new hobby
Create a vision board to help you focus on who you are becoming
5. Remember: There is a time and a season
While I was working on my undergraduate degree and contemplating plans for my future career, one of my beloved mentors shared some wisdom with me. “You have time!” she said.
“To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1
The rushed pace at which our world currently operates can often make us feel like we have to have everything right here right now, or else we aren’t taking advantage of the time we’ve been given. “Time is scarce,” it tells us, and too often, we give up on our dreams because we feel like we will never have enough time. But do you want to know something? You do not have to do everything right now. Wherever you are at in your motherhood journey, you have an abundance of time ahead of you to accomplish just what you need and want to. As you focus on intentionally living in the moment and finding joy in whatever season you are in right now, you will find that you have as much time as you need.
If something is important to you, set goals, make a plan, and trust that you will have time to accomplish the things that matter most.
Try this:
Practice mindfulness to help ground yourself in the present
Keep a journal so you can record your favorite daily moments
Avoid overscheduling yourself or your kids so you can enjoy being in the moment together and to decrease the amount of stress you experience
Conclusion
It isn’t realistic to expect that motherhood won’t change you. I am personally so grateful for the ways that being a mom has helped me grow, and how it has reshaped the way I see myself and the world! However, completely losing yourself to motherhood is not necessary. If you feel like you don’t know who you are anymore because being a mom has sucked you dry, take the time to invest in yourself! You are worth it.
This week, spend some time alone to re-connect with (or even reclaim) your identity. The “try this” suggestions above could be a great place to start if you need some ideas!
References
Choi, P., Henshaw, C., Baker, S., & Tree, J. (2005). Supermum, superwife, supereverything: Performing femininity in the transition to motherhood. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 23(2), 167–180. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646830500129487
Laney, E. K., Lewis Hall, M. E., Anderson, T. L, & Willingham, M. M. (2015) Becoming a mother: The influence of motherhood on women’s identity development. Identity, 15(2), 126-145. https://doi.org/10.1080/15283488.2015.1023440
Smith, J. A. (1999). Identity development during the transition to motherhood: An interpretative phenomenological analysis. Journal of Reproductive and Infant Psychology, 17(3), 281–299. https://doi.org/10.1080/02646839908404595
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, a boy and a girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she is currently pursuing an MS degree in Family and Human Development from Arizona State University.
This Week:
Dray Salcido
Rian Nicole Gordon
Emma Smith
Livy Andrus is from Ogden, Utah. She is currently a senior studying Family Life at Brigham Young University. She enjoys researching and writing about building healthy relationships within the family, and hopes to make this her life’s work. When she is not writing, she loves watching movies, traveling, reading, and doing anything creative.
