Cover photo by Pixabay.
Written by Anna Smith
How does the occurrence of a negative stressful event affect commitment in marriage? Will it tear marriages apart? Or increase levels of loyalty? Luckily, there is no definite answer to those questions. In fact, the outcome of your marriage is completely determined by the actions of you and your partner. This may sound obvious at first, but that answer may be less easy to find when you are embracing the unexpected together.
Several couples experience significant losses in their marriage. It could be the loss of a job, family member, finances, a house, etc. Today, I want to address a particular type of loss that is all too common and surprisingly undiscussed: Miscarriages, stillborn babies, and pregnancy failure. Today, 15% to 20% of pregnancies unfortunately result in one of these categories of loss (Hiefner et al., 2021).
Not only does the unexpected loss of a child affect parent’s physical and emotional well-being, but it also can add monumental amounts of stress on a couple’s relationship. Regardless of if a couple experiences a sudden loss of a child, between 43% and 46% of marriages are predicted to end in separation (Shreffler et al., 2012). So, what can we do to preserve our marriages when we find ourselves in such a tragedy?
Try to understand each other. Let your spouse grieve the way they need to.
Naturally, men and women have differences. Therefore, they have individual perspectives, feelings, experiences, and needs – especially surrounding pregnancy loss. On average, women tend to experience more grief than their spouses, and it lasts for a longer period of time as well (Thomas & Striegel, 1995, McDonald et al, 2022). This could be because the mother develops a stronger sense of attachment to the baby from physical pregnancy changes and feeling the baby move occasionally (Avelin et al., 2013). Because of this, the mother could experience more feelings of pain, depression, guilt, or even more amounts of anger than their partner does (Alderman, et al., 1998).
As fathers are also facing feelings of depression and grief for their lost baby, they often feel pressure to be the “strong one” and “hold it together” for their partners, which could increase stress and miscommunication (Thomas & Striegel, 1995). In addition, not only do we know that mothers and fathers grieve differently in general, they also are known to express their grief and coping strategies in different ways. Most women tend to seek social support from friends, family, or even the community, while fathers often hold in their grief and avoid using any outward coping strategies (Hiefner et al, 2021).
Navigating through differences in grief has the potential to threaten marriage and increase feelings of loneliness (Avelin et al., 2013). But the good news is, it also provides various opportunities to grow closer together as a couple! In a recent survey from The CREATE Project including over 3,000 individuals across the United States, those who reported a pregnancy loss also report feeling more committed to their spouse. Comparing these results to different studies, it has been found that as couples respect each other’s grieving styles and seek to understand one another’s feelings, the negative event of a loss was transformed into a positive growing experience for the couple (Cacciatore et al., 2008).
Communicate
Among the participants from The CREATE Project, as the couples coped with the loss of their child, they also reported having less communication. This decrease in communication can lead to frequent misunderstanding and conflicts (Alderman et al.,1998). The perfect way to avoid unnecessary stress while coping with such a loss is to engage in communication specifically about one another’s feelings and needs.
As mentioned before, mothers and fathers will grieve differently because of the different ways that they perceived the loss. In a study of 121 women who had experienced a pregnancy loss in the last six months, there was a general trend that the mothers felt that their partners were less “emotionally connected” to the loss, or that they “just didn’t understand” what they were feeling. Because of this, the women in the study resulted in feeling alone in their grief as they tried to cope with the recent loss (Black, R. B., 1992).
The problem with this is, that the mothers in the study could never know if their partners actually felt that way, unless they had specifically talked about it. It is impossible to know exactly what a person is feeling based on their actions (even though that would be really nice!). In fact, the way we express our feelings is different from ways others will, and that is okay! The more we communicate about how we view each other’s feelings, the more unity we will feel in our relationships. Going back to the couples in the study, as they communicated their feelings clearly, they reported that they felt more satisfaction in their relationship and made clear communication an enduring practice in their marriage (Black, R. B., 1992).
Conclusion
As couples face losses in their relationship, each individual will respond in different ways. As humans we are not perfect, and that is why as we cope with loss our communication or understanding will decrease. But this is normal! When you and your partner seem to find yourself in the stress of any type of loss, remember to seek understanding from each other and talk about it. These things sound simple, but you may be surprised by how much good it can do for you and your relationship.
Not sure where to start? Here are a couple of activities that you can do to help you seek understanding and improve your communication skills in your relationships!
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Talk about your feelings using “I” statements (i.e. “I feel lonely”)
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Watch your non-verbal communications that may send the wrong message (eye rolling, not maintaining eye contact, being on your phone, etc.)
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Put away distractions while communicating (phones, earbuds, television)
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Ask each other open ended questions (i.e. “Why do you feel lonely?”)
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When responding to each other, paraphrase what your partner just said to ensure that you understand (i.e. “Okay, what I am getting is that you feel lonely because I work too much. Is that what you meant?”)
References
Alderman, L., Chisholm, J., Denmark, F., & Salbod, S. (1998). Bereavement and Stress of a Miscarriage: As it Affects the Couple. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 37(4), 317–327. https://doi.org/10.2190/DQNQ-PFAM-7V00-52F3
Avelin, P., Rådestad, I., Säflund, K., Wredling, R., & Erlandsson, K. (2013). Parental grief and relationships after the loss of a stillborn baby. Midwifery, 29(6), 668-673. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.midw.2012.06.007
Black, R. B. (1992). Women’s voices after pregnancy loss. Social Work in Health Care, 16(2), 19-36. https://doi.org/10.1300/J010v16n02_03
Cacciatore, J., DeFrain, J., Jones, K. L. C., & Jones, H. (2008). Stillbirth and the couple: A gender-based exploration. Null, 11(4), 351-372. https://doi.org/10.1080/10522150802451667
Hiefner, A. R. (2021). Dyadic coping and couple resilience after miscarriage. Family Relations, 70(1), 59-76. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12475
Hutti, M. H., Armstrong, D. S., Myers, J. A., & Hall, L. A. (2015). Grief intensity, psychological Well‐Being, and the intimate partner relationship in the subsequent pregnancy after a perinatal loss. Journal of Obstetric, Gynecologic & Neonatal Nursing, 44(1), 42-50. https://doi.org/https://doi.org/10.1111/1552-6909.12539
McDonald, S. A., Dasch-Yee, K., & Grigg, J. (2022). Relationship outcomes following involuntary pregnancy loss: The role of perceived incongruent grief. Illness, Crisis, & Loss, 30(2), 146-156. https://doi.org/10.1177/1054137319885254
Shreffler, K., Hill, P., & Cacciatore, J. (2012). Exploring the increased odds of divorce following miscarriage or stillbirth. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 53(2), 91-107. https://doi.org/10.1080/10502556.2012.651963
Thomas, V., & Striegel, P. (1995). Stress and Grief of a Perinatal Loss: Integrating Qualitative and Quantitative Methods. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 30(4), 299–311. https://doi.org/10.2190/X0E4-536U-6YWP-CPYL
Anna Smith is from Bountiful, Utah and is currently a Junior at Brigham Young University. She is studying Family Services and plans to become a Licensed Social Worker. Anna loves to spend time with others, and is passionate about helping individuals and families achieve stability and happiness.
