commUNITY, Reaching Higher

3 Ways to Support Others in their Faith Journeys

No Comments

Cover photo by Mindy Sabiston on Unsplash

Written by Allie Barnes

Organized religion is a huge part of many peoples’ lives. Studies have shown that those who value religion and spirituality are more likely to report happiness (Lee & Kawachi, 2019). There is often a narrative that those who leave organized religion will be miserable—and evidence even shows that leaving organized religion can negatively impact one’s mental and physical health (Fortenbury 2014). But what isn’t always expressed is why leaving organized religion impacts one’s health. I don’t think individuals necessarily experience pain from leaving the religion itself: I believe most of this pain is from confronting beliefs that they once believed were true, and too often from the pushback or isolation they receive from the people they once worshipped with.
It is not the leaving of organized religion that seems to cause negative effects—it is often the pain of having to reconstruct a belief system and the negative reactions of others that causes the most strain. We can show love and support to those leaving organized religion by practicing good communication, setting healthy boundaries, and respecting their right to choose their own path.
Photo by Rosie Sun on Unsplash

Communication

Earlier this year I felt inspired to interview individuals who had left organized religion on my podcast, Looks Like Wandering, to better understand their experience and what they needed most from the people around them. I interviewed people who had left the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, the Reformed Presbyterian Church, and those who are or were in mixed-faith relationships. There is a tone of love and respect through the whole series, which was very important to me.
Episode 5 featured a roundtable discussion about navigating mixed-faith relationships. During the conversation, LeAndra Baker shared about her husband’s journey away from the LDS Church: “I wish you could see how much he absolutely would love to [have kept believing]—and how much easier his life would be if he could have kept believing the way his family wants him to. …Don’t discredit the work he’s put in to try to find a God that makes sense for him.” 
Photo by Samuel Martins on Unsplash
She continued by passionately sharing the values that she admires most in her husband: “He works really hard to love people exactly the way they are. It’s funny, I joke that he’s more Christlike now that he’s an atheist than he ever was as an active member of the LDS Church! Through his growth and development and faith walk, he has been able to decide what’s important to him, and loving his people is what’s important to him. He’s able to love them without wanting them to show up in a certain way.” By keeping communication open in relationships, we have an opportunity to recognize and appreciate the incredible attributes that our loved ones possess—attributes that aren’t dependent on a certain faith belief.

Boundaries

In episode 2, Nikki Johnson emphasized the importance of communicating healthy boundaries in relationships—”In order to set boundaries, you have to have a conversation about the boundaries,” she said. You may decide to discuss what topics you do not want to engage in with your loved ones. For example, individuals remaining in organized religion may not feel comfortable hearing about why loved ones chose to leave organized religion, while individuals who left organized religion may not feel comfortable having scriptures, sermons, or other religious materials shared with them. Having this conversation will create a safer space for both individuals to continue to strengthen the relationship together. Healthy Humans Project writer Alyssa Carroll previously shared some tips to setting appropriate boundaries in relationships.
Photo by Elina Fairytale from Pexels

Respecting the Right to Choose

One of the most powerful moments of the podcast came in episode 4, when I asked Maddison Weber what she wishes people knew when she left organized religion, and how she wishes others would have responded differently. She boldly stated, “If you’re looking at someone else’s life and thinking ‘I wouldn’t live my life like that,’ maybe take a step back and ask why you can look at their life and say that. What gives you the privilege to say ‘That’s not right for them’?” This is similar to the LDS doctrine of “agency”—the “ability and privilege God gives us to choose and to act for ourselves.” If we claim to believe in the importance of agency, we should show love to those around us, even if their paths look differently than our own. 
Photo by Brennan Martinez on Unsplash
On a personal note, my own religious beliefs have changed over the last couple of years in a way that makes it easier for me to accept and show love to those who have chosen different paths. For example, I don’t necessarily believe that the LDS Church is the only true church—a belief we are taught from youth. I think there are many paths to our Higher Power. Also, while I believe in and love so much of the LDS doctrine, I don’t always agree with how it is taught or enacted. Having these more nuanced views helps me to support others in their own journeys, wherever they lead someone. I echo the sentiment shared in episode 3 by Ezekiel Rudick: “If it’s true and God is the kind, loving, gracious being that They are, then you going through this thing is just you discovering holistically for yourself.”
Photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash
Through healthy communication, setting appropriate boundaries, and supporting others in using their agency, we can help alleviate some of the pain that others feel when they transition away from organized religion. As we do this, we can better emulate our Savior, who preached, “Thou shalt love the Lord why God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself” (Matthew 22:37-39 KJV).
Write out your own beliefs and testimony, exactly as you feel at this moment. Those are yours, and you can feel empowered to claim them as your own. When you feel ready, seek to learn about others’ beliefs, either through conversation, reading, or following those who believe differently than you do on social media. Practice showing respect to their beliefs, even as they differ from your own. You can claim your own beliefs; let them claim theirs. Do this with love and deep respect and reverence for yourself and others.

References

“Agency and Accountability.” Gospel Topics. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/manual/gospel-topics/agency-and-accountability?lang=eng
Carroll, A. (2021, July 10). 5 Ways to Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries in Your 20’s. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/5-ways-to-practice-setting-healthy-boundaries-in-your-20s/
Games, G. (2021, April 8). Communication Tips for Interfaith Couples. The Gottman Institute Blog. https://www.gottman.com/blog/communication-tips-for-interfaith-couples/
Fortenbury, J. (2014, September). The Health Effects of Leaving Religion: How a loss of faith can manifest itself in the mind and body. The Atlantic. https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/the-health-effects-of-leaving-religion/379651/
Lee, M. A., & Kawachi, I. (2019). The keys to happiness: Associations between personal values regarding core life domains and happiness in South Korea. PloS one, 14(1), e0209821. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0209821
Looks Like Wandering Podcast, Season 2 (2021). https://anchor.fm/looks-like-wandering
Strong, M. (2020, February 22). Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships. Healthy Humans Project. https://www.healthyhumansproject.com/top-5-communication-skills-for-forming-healthy-relationships/

 

Allie Barnes is a writer, speaker, and a leadership & relationship researcher. Her first book, Not According to Plan, shares her journey through depression, betrayal trauma recovery, developing resilience, and finding joy. Allie has an undergraduate degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University and is finishing up a graduate degree in Leadership. You can find her on Instagram @lookslikewandering or at allieabarnes.com.
Continue Reading

Power Couples

“Simply Put, Successful Couples are Attentive”

No Comments

Cover photo by Charly Pn on Unsplash

Written by Katrina Voorhees
In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017). 
Photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other. 

1. Date night

Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012). 
Photo provided by the author

2. Physical touch

As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning. 

3. Communication

Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one. 
Photo by Hanna Morris on Unsplash
Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.
Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004). 
Choose at least one of the following to do this week:
Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.
Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!
Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.

References

Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673
Making Marriage Work | Dr. John Gottman. (2018, January 30). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKTyPgwfPgg
Toshiko Kaneda. (2020, January 23). How Many People Have Ever Lived on Earth? Population Reference Bureau. https://scorecard.prb.org/howmanypeoplehaveeverlivedonearth/#:%7E:text=Given%20the%20current%20global%20population%20of%20about%207.5,billion%20people%20will%20have%20ever%20lived%20on%20Earth.
Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k
Vaillant, G. (2009, July 16). Yes, I Stand by My Words, “Happiness Equals Love—Full Stop.” Positive Psychology News. https://positivepsychologynews.com/news/george-vaillant/200907163163
University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf

 

Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.
Continue Reading

commUNITY

The American Melting Pot: Maintaining Your Cultural Identity and Supporting Immigrants

No Comments

Cover photo by Maarten van den Heuvel on Unsplash 

Written by McKay Strong
“We’re part of a community. Our strength is our diversity. A shelter from adversity. All are welcome here.” – All Are Welcome Here by Alexandra Penfold
Pioneer Day is a holiday celebrated annually on July 24th in Utah, USA, celebrating the state and surrounding areas settled by pioneers. In recognition of today’s holiday, I wanted to talk about a different kind of pioneer: those who leave their countries and cultures and come to a completely different one. My mom wasn’t born in the United States — in fact, she didn’t move here until she was in her 30’s. She came alone, and although she did already speak the English language, she left everything and essentially everyone she knew behind in South America. I can only imagine how difficult it is being an immigrant to the United States of America, but something that I really appreciate about my mother and how she raised us is that she was able to keep her culture alive in our home.
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels
I know that this can be a sensitive topic — some people immigrate and want to leave their home behind for whatever reason. They wish to assimilate fully and completely and that is okay. But today, I wanted to share some research on those who have moved to a new place and still want to celebrate and share their culture with those they love.
If you are someone who is working on finding their place within a new culture, here are some thoughts on how you can avoid losing your unique cultural identity:

1. Keep in touch with your loved ones.

Make an effort to keep in touch with both family and friends in your home country. This is a big way to stay connected to your heritage — maintaining relationships with people who are still living in the home you left can help you have a little bit of home where you are.
Photo by Gyan Shahane on Unsplash

2. Make your new home feel like home.

Fill your new home with pictures and family heirlooms. Cook recipes from your home country. Listen to music in your native language. Just because your home is in a new location doesn’t mean your home shouldn’t feel like home! Tangible items around you can help you feel grounded and remind you of your cultural identity.
Photo by RODNAE Productions from Pexels

3. Find people who share your cultural background.

Whether it means joining a new church or going to city events that recognize your culture, find a way to meet people who know what you know. Chances are, you won’t be the only one who has left your home country! Research even shows that youth programs help adolescents socialize among their cultures (Iturbide et al., 2019). 

4. Celebrate your culture.

Invite friends from your new home to celebrate traditional holidays with you. Participate in multicultural events at your child’s school. Share your culture and be proud of it!
Photo by Chris Boyer on Unsplash
If you’re reading this and live in the same country you were born in, here are a few things you can do to support immigrants in celebrating their native cultures:

1. Never assume.

You may not know why someone left their native country, nor is it your right to know. So don’t assume that you know why they immigrated. Don’t assume their life was a certain way at their old home. And definitely don’t assume you know how they should assimilate best. All you need to do is be there to support them in whatever way they need support.
Photo by mentatdgt from Pexels

2. Ask thoughtful questions.

Moving to a new place can be lonely and when the culture is so incredibly different from what a person or family is used to, it can be terrifying to try and meet new people. If you know someone in your neighborhood, your work, your child’s school, wherever, that is from another country, don’t be afraid to talk to them. I can almost guarantee that they need the love and support you can offer. Invite them to activities and get to know them just as you would any new neighbor. Be sure to take an interest in their culture and customs, because chances are, they would love to talk about them and share them with you. Ask thoughtful questions, and make an effort to get to know the individual/family as well as where they came from. They’re likely homesick, and any way you can make this new place feel like home for them would be greatly appreciated. You may even make a new friend and find a new interest in a culture different from your own!
Photo by Chait Goli from Pexels

3. Avoid appropriation.

Cultural appropriation is the use of elements of a minority’s culture, often in a way that doesn’t respect the element’s original significance or recognize where it came from. As previously mentioned, America is a melting pot, and that’s something to celebrate, but it can cross into cultural appropriation when it turns exploitive. One example of cultural appropriation is sugar skulls used to decorate American homes around Halloween. Dia de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, is not “Mexican Halloween,” it is a celebration of the lives of lost loved ones with roots going back to the Aztecs. The calaveras, or skulls, are displayed alongside pictures of those that have passed on. “They include beautiful flowers and designs to show that death shouldn’t be feared or shown in a morbid light” (Moreno, 2016), and are an important way to demonstrate respect and honor for deceased loved ones. So you can see why using such sacred parts of an ancient tradition to decorate your home in America for Halloween can seem incredibly disrespectful to those who observe Dia de los Muertos. That is cultural appropriation to a “T”. The best way to fight cultural appropriation? Take the time to educate yourself, listen to those who are among the culture these elements belong to, and once you’ve learned, educate others who may be misinformed as well.
Photo by Askar Abayev from Pexels
Something that makes America so great is our diversity. It’s really something to celebrate! People come from all over the world to live in the United States of America, and we’ll miss out if we just expect them to assimilate and don’t get to know about where they came from.
Furthermore, adapting to a new environment doesn’t mean that you have to let go of your old customs. Leaving your home should not have to mean leaving behind who you are – and culture is an important part of that. 
This week, make an effort to learn about a different culture from your own. If you know someone who has recently immigrated to your country, find ways to connect and help them feel welcome.

References

Ayón, C., & Villa, A. Q. (2013). Promoting Mexican immigrant families’ well-being: Learning from parents what is needed to have a strong family. Families in Society, 94(3), 194–202. https://doi.org/10.1606/1044-3894.4315
Bhavnagri, N., & Kamash, S. (2019). A Mother Promotes Cognitive and Affective Outcomes via Museum Education on Arab American Immigrants’ Culture: A Vygotskian Perspective. School Community Journal, 29, 87-116.
El-Awad, U., Fathi, A., Vasileva, M., Petermann, F., & Reinelt, T. (2021). Acculturation orientations and mental health when facing post-migration stress: Differences between unaccompanied and accompanied male Middle Eastern refugee adolescents, first- and second-generation immigrant and native peers in Germany. International Journal of Intercultural Relations, 82, 232-246.
Iturbide, M. I., Gutiérrez, V., Munoz, L., & Raffaelli, M. (2019). “They Learn to Convivir”: Immigrant Latinx Parents’ Perspectives on Cultural Socialization in Organized Youth Activities. Journal of Adolescent Research, 34(3), 235–260. https://doi.org/10.1177/0743558418777827
Lindert, A.T., Korzilius, H., Stupar-Rutenfrans, S., & Vijver, F.J. (2021). The role of perceived discrimination, intergroup contact and adoption in acculturation among four Dutch immigrant groups. International Journal of Intercultural Relations.
Moreno, N. (2016, October 24). The History of Dia de los Muertos and Why You Shouldn’t Appropriate it. Wear Your Voice. https://www.wearyourvoicemag.com/history-dia-de-los-muertos-appropriate/. 

 

McKay Strong is a Texas native. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit, has been married for three years, and recently gave birth to her daughter. She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even prouder cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
Continue Reading

Guest Writers, Power Couples, Reaching Higher

How Faith Practices Can Benefit Your Marriage

No Comments

Photo by Monstera from Pexels

Written by Sarah Watt, Brigham Young University
I sat in a church pew next to my husband. A familiar hymn played in the background, and I heard my husband’s sweet tenor voice join the rest of the congregation. I was overcome with a sense of gratitude that we shared the same faith. We grew up singing the same sacred songs and reading the same sacred scriptures. Sharing the same faith-based practices and background helps us to connect on a deeper level and build a stronger relationship. 
When couples engage in faith-based practices together, positive results tend to emerge. According to W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, “Religion generally fosters more happiness, greater stability, and a deeper sense of meaning in American family life, provided that family members – especially spouses – share a common faith” (Wilcox, 2017).  
Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash
Faith-based practices like praying as a couple and attending church are not only beneficial to one’s personal spirituality, but they may also lead to a stronger foundation with your partner. This stronger foundation can fortify marriage against life’s inevitable storms, providing additional resources to overcome challenges together. 

Praying Together 

While there are many benefits associated with individual prayer, there are also benefits that come from praying with your partner. According to a study conducted by the American Psychological Association, partner-focused petitionary prayer is often associated with increased commitment in romantic relationships (Fincham, 2013). Praying together tends to help couples feel bonded on a spiritual level and can help each partner be more dedicated to making the marriage flourish. 
Praying with or for your partner is associated with higher levels of selfless love, which leads to a greater willingness to forgive (Lambert et al., 2009). In turn, a greater willingness to forgive can help marital disputes to be resolved more quickly. In a study conducted by Florida State University, researchers developed a series of three studies examining how prayer and relational trust were correlated (Lambert et al., 2011). The study found that praying with and for a partner was related to higher levels of trust and unity within the relationship. It has also been shown that praying with a partner can lead to decreased likelihood of infidelity and greater levels of relationship satisfaction (Partrick, 2017). Couples who pray together, it seems, are in fact better equipped to stay together. 
Photo by Brett Sayles from Pexels

Attending Church Together 

The same might be said about attending church. Research conducted by W. Bradford Wilcox examined the role of couples’ church attendance and its effects on overall marital satisfaction (Wilcox, 2017). The results showed that couples are more likely to report higher levels of marital happiness when both partners are attending church compared to couples where neither partner attends church. This trend can be seen across several racial demographics including black, white, and Latino couples. 
One of the benefits of attending church together is that it allows couples to engage in a shared spiritual experience. The shared experience of going to church with my husband continuously helps us to strengthen the spiritual aspect of our relationship together. Not only do we engage in religious practice as a couple, we also engage with other members of our religious community. Research suggests that “couples who attend church together enjoy significantly happier relationships . . . because they socialize with friends who share their faith and especially because they pray with one another” (Wilcox, 2017). Friends and members of the faith community can also act as a support for the couple when they face challenges in life or in their marriage. This extended support system may increase happiness within marriage and be another positive outcome of attending church together. 
Photo by SHAHBAZ AKRAM from Pexels

Reading Religious Texts Together 

While we may value having religious texts within our home, we may not readily recognize the marital benefits of reading religious texts with our spouse. According to the American Families of Faith project, which researched the role that religion played in the lives of individuals, couples, and families, many couples of various religions rely on religious texts as if they were “self-help” books (Marks & Dollahite, 2016). This can be beneficial when we, along with our spouse, seek answers to the challenges we face on a regular basis. We may experience added comfort and assistance, especially when faced with conflicts.
Photo by Tima Miroshnichenko from Pexels

Overcoming Challenges Together

When we experience conflicts within our marriages, we can turn to our faith practices in order to find comfort. According to a study concerning spiritual intimacy, “[G]reater spiritual intimacy offers couples a spiritual resource to motivate them to remain kind and resist the urge to ‘go negative’ when they discuss their core conflicts” (Briggs, 2014). The religious aspect of marriages can have tremendous power to provide a broader perspective when conflicts arise, possibly allowing the disagreement to come to a resolution sooner.
Continuing to develop a spiritual foundation has also been shown to increase feelings of calm and hopefulness which may help each partner be more optimistic, altruistic, and forgiving. Participating in shared religiosity provides us with more resources from which we can draw upon (Briggs, 2014). For example, a couple may pause a fight in order to pray together which could have a significant influence on how the argument is resolved and how the couple feels about each other after the issue is solved (Dallas, 2017). Ultimately, a shared religious foundation has the potential to help marriages endure the challenges of life.
Photo by Jonathan Cooper on Unsplash
Although we can all find areas to improve upon within the spiritual aspects of our lives, it is important to notice the fruits of our religion-focused labors. As we continually build upon a spiritual foundation with our spouses, we can feel a sense of hopefulness as we take a step back and recognize the tremendous blessings that come into our marriages as we engage in faith-based practices.
Choose a faith-based practice to focus on with your partner this week. Make it a priority together.

References

Briggs, D. (2014, December 9). 5 Ways faith contributes to strong marriages, new studies suggest. The Huffington Post. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-ways-faith-contributes_b_6294716
Dallas, K., (2017, February 10). Why religious compatibility matters in relationships. Deseret News. https://www.deseret.com/2017/2/10/20605844/why-religious-compatibility-matters-in-relationships
Fincham, F. D., & Beach, S. R., (2013). I say a little prayer for you: Praying for partner increases commitment in romantic relationships. Journal of Family Psychology, 28(5), 587-593. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0034999
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., LaValee, D. C., & Brantley, C. W., (2011). Praying together and staying together: Couple prayer and trust. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 4(1), 1-9. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0023060
Lambert N. M., Fincham F. D., Stillman T. F., Graham S. M., & Beach S. R., (2009).  Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126-32. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797609355634
Marks, L.D., & Dollahite, D.C. (2016). Religion and families: An introduction. Routledge. https://americanfamiliesoffaith.byu.edu/
Patrick, W. L., (2017, June 10). Match made in heaven: Why couples who pray together stay together. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/why-bad-looks-good/201706/match-made-in-heavencouples-who-pray-together-stay-together#:~:text=Pray%20Together%2C%20Stay%20Together,a%20match%20made%20in%20Heaven
Wilcox, W. (2017, July 6). Faith and marriage: Better together? Institute for Family Studies. https://ifstudies.org/blog/faith-and-marriage-better-together

 

Sarah Watt graduates from Brigham Young University this year with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies. She also has an associate degree in paralegal studies from the University of Alaska Fairbanks and plans to start law school next year. She was born and raised in Alaska but loves the warm and sunny weather of Utah. She married her best friend, Jace, last year and they love hiking, camping, and adventuring together.
Continue Reading

Love, Me

5 Ways to Practice Setting Healthy Boundaries in your 20’s

No Comments

Cover Photo by Zen Chung from Pexels

Written by Alyssa Carroll
As the oldest of four children, I am a people-pleaser and have a hard time saying no. I have always struggled with sharing my feelings and my needs. This has resulted in spreading myself thin on many occasions and saying yes to things I do not want to do. Boundaries help us to decide how people can treat us, how people can behave around us, and what others can expect from us (Jacobson, 2015). They help us set rules for navigating all of our relationships (Chesak, 2018).
Boundaries help us strengthen and fortify relationships; it is not about putting up walls to isolate yourself or block other people out. These boundaries are limits that we set to protect ourselves from being manipulated, and they can help us express our individuality and needs.
During the transitionary period of emerging adulthood, we experience identity exploration, instability, feelings of being in-between, increased self-focus, and a world of possibilities (Munsey, 2006). Establishing healthy boundaries as an emerging adult can improve your self-esteem, conserve emotional energy, and results in more independence and agency (Chesak, 2018).
It is important to remember that boundaries are not meant to be too rigid; rigid boundaries can lead to more problems. Having clear, flexible boundaries will ensure that your relationships remain balanced and healthy. Flexible boundaries are neither too closed and specific nor too open. Rigid boundaries are too closed and specific (Baldwin, 2019). To help you better understand what flexible and rigid boundaries look like, here is an example of each: 
    • Flexible boundary: “I like to have some time to myself when I get home from class so I can wind down.”
    • Rigid boundary: “I need the whole house to be perfectly clean and quiet when I get home from class or else I am going to be very upset.”
What can emerging adults set boundaries for? We can set boundaries for our time and energy, our personal space and possessions, our religion, our jobs, and our relationships with others (Chesak, 2018). So, how do you get started with setting some healthy boundaries? Here are five simple ways that you can practice setting healthy boundaries in your 20’s. 
Photo by Mikhail Nilov from Pexels

#1: Practice Self-Awareness

Being aware of your personality and habits will give you a clear picture of your needs and what boundaries you need to create. Keep in mind that self-awareness is a life-long journey (Tjan, 2015)! It takes a lot of effort to get to know yourself and become aware of your strengths and weaknesses. Self-awareness is the first step to creating the life that you want because it allows you to change your thoughts, behaviors, and beliefs (Scott, n.d.). Your mental state will change as you develop self-awareness and you will become more emotionally intelligent (Psychology Today, n.d.).
We can practice self-awareness by getting feedback from close friends and family members, taking personality or enneagram tests, writing down our priorities and values, asking for feedback at work, and meeting with a psychotherapist.  We can also dedicate time to self-reflection. Journaling is a great way to do this (Warley, n.d.)! You can journal daily, weekly, or whenever works for you. Practicing self-awareness will help you establish your needs and identify what types of boundaries you may need to set. 

#2: Tune In to Your Feelings

Emotions can often feel complex and confusing. I don’t know about you, but I tend to push my feelings away because that feels easier than putting in the effort to figure them out. We can learn emotional regulation and increase our emotional intelligence if we take the time to sit with our feelings and learn how to identify them. Naming the emotions we experience and determining why we feel the way we do can help us become more self-aware and identify what boundaries we may need to set. 
Mindfulness and meditation can help you tune into your feelings. Knowing your feelings will better prepare you to speak your mind and explain your thoughts. This will help you know what limits you need to set for yourself. You will then be able to set clear, upfront boundaries, and feel more confident with the boundaries you are setting. 
Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

#3: Be Assertive and Direct

Assertiveness can be scary, especially if you shy away from conflict and confrontation like I do. Being assertive does not mean you are being rude or pushy. Assertiveness is a form of calm communication that is clear and direct (Tyrell, 2019). Being direct can come in handy when setting boundaries because the limits you set will be very clear to those around you. We cannot assume that other people can read our minds and know our boundaries, so we need to clearly state them with assertiveness so they are understood by others. Being more assertive will help you set clear, honest boundaries that others around you will understand and respect. 

#4: Learn to Say No

When you are a people pleaser like I am, you may feel like you can never say no. Learning to say no can be hard, but it is part of setting healthy boundaries! This can also help you to respect your own time and space, and others will respect you more too. PsychCentral says that “the ability to say no is closely linked to self-confidence” (Collingwood, 2016). Your self-esteem will increase as you learn to say no and set limits for yourself. You can say no without an explanation. If you do not feel comfortable doing something, you can say no. You do not need to justify your feelings to others. Learning to say no will help you set limits for yourself because you will be in control of your time and you will be respected more by others.
Photo by Gary Barnes from Pexels

#5: Start Small

Making any type of change or adjustment in your life can be overwhelming. Starting small is a principle that you can apply to many facets of your life, but it is especially needed when it comes to setting boundaries. Your whole life does not need to be regulated by boundaries, and you do not need to make a thousand changes all at once! Start small, start simple. Pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for, and just focus on that for a few weeks or months. 

Conclusion

Emerging adulthood is a difficult period in your life. You experience instability, growth, big decisions, and difficulties with navigating the real world and learning how to be an adult (Munsey, 2006). Setting healthy boundaries can help you to survive this transitionary time. Healthy boundaries can increase your self-esteem and emotional intelligence, and help you become more independent and confident in yourself and your needs. It is important to remember to honor the boundaries that other people set. 
Boundaries are meant to be flexible, so you can adapt and adjust them as needed throughout the course of your life. You can even break some of your boundaries as you get older or more established in your relationships (Chesak, 2018). Getting older, meeting more people, and creating new relationships may require an adjustment of boundaries.

Start small and pick one domain of your life that you need to set boundaries for. Use the principles in this article to help.

References

Baldwin, J. (2019, June 12). Rigid, diffuse, and flexible: three types of psychological boundaries in the voice studio. Sound + Mind. https://soundandmind.blog/2019/06/12/rigid-diffuse-and-flexible-three-types-of-psychological-boundaries-in-the-voice-studio/ 
Chesak, J. (2018, December 10). The no BS guide to protecting your emotional space. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/set-boundaries
Collingwood, J. (2016, May 17). Learning to say no. PsychCentral. https://psychcentral.com/lib/learning-to-say-no#1
Jacobson, S. (2015, April 2). 12 signs you lack healthy boundaries (and why you need them). Harley Therapy Counseling. https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/healthy-boundaries.htm
Munsey, C. (2006, June). Emerging adults: The in-between age. Monitor on Psychology. http://www.apa.org/monitor/jun06/emerging
Psychology Today. (n.d.) Emotional intelligence. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/emotional-intelligence
Scott, S.J. (n.d.) How to be more self-aware: 8 tips to boost self-awareness. Develop Good Habits. Retrieved on February 13, 2021, from https://www.developgoodhabits.com/what-is-self-awareness/
Tjan, A. (2015, February 11). 5 ways to become more self-aware. Harvard Business Review. https://hbr.org/2015/02/5-ways-to-become-more-self-aware
Tyrell, M. (2019, August 1). 5 golden keys to assertiveness and setting boundaries. Hypnosis Downloads. https://www.hypnosisdownloads.com/blog/5-golden-keys-to-assertiveness-and-setting-boundaries
Warley, S. (n.d.) The #1 self-awareness habit. Life skills that matter. https://lifeskillsthatmatter.com/number-one-self-awareness-habit/

 

Alyssa Carroll is from Highland, Utah. She is an undergraduate student at BYU studying Human Development and Family Studies. She enjoys learning about sexual mindfulness and healthy communication in dating and marriage relationships. She is passionate about helping emerging adults develop a healthy attitude towards sex and sexuality, and she strives to be an advocate for mental health. In her spare time, she loves reading, watching movies, and going out to eat.
Continue Reading