Written by McKay Strong with Intro from Rian Gordon
The Healthy Humans Project is all about providing you with research-based information and tools to help you actively improve your relationships. As we tried to narrow down the different relationships that have power in our lives, we felt that we would be remiss if we weren’t to include one of the most important relationships in our own personal lives, and in the lives of many of our followers – a relationship with God, or a Higher Power. This is a relationship that, when nurtured, has the potential to positively affect all of our other relationships. Research has shown that relying on a Higher Power can help strengthen resilience, increase empathy and meaning, and even improve mental and physical health. Furthermore, spiritual practices such as prayer or meditation have been shown to positively impact other meaningful relationships such as the couple relationship. In the “Reaching Higher” category, we want to explore how we can improve our relationship with our own Higher Power, and how that relationship can help us achieve healthier and more meaningful relationships in all areas of our lives. Thank you for joining us on this journey!
Note: As our experience as the writers of HHP is mostly with the Judeo-Christian tradition, many of our posts will likely include thoughts associated with that specific tradition. However, we would love to be as inclusive as possible, and will do our best to include as many relevant ideas and concepts from as many different traditions and ideologies as we can. If you have any feedback or ideas on how you would like to see us accomplish this, please contact The Healthy Humans Project here!
Condensed from “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is often difficult for people to master, and I am no exception. My greatest flaw by far is my ability to hold grudges, but I am constantly striving to reach higher and become more like the God that I believe in. My God is forgiving, kind, and patient. If someone with omnipotent power can find it in Himself to forgive very-flawed-me, I think I should give the same courtesy to His other children.
Are you having a hard time forgiving someone (maybe even yourself) as God does? Here are eight steps to get you started:
1. Take the initiative.
You cannot sit around and wait for someone to apologize to you. If they haven’t already, they may never! Think about it this way: who is being impacted by your hurt feelings – you or them? Sometimes the answer may be “them,” but always it is you. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a gift that you give to others – if you choose to forgive only to alleviate your suffering, that’s a good enough place to start.
2. If the forgiven person wants to reenter your life, it is fair to demand truthfulness.
If you choose to let someone who has hurt you re-enter your life, you are allowed to show them how they’ve hurt you. Even more, you have the right to expect them not to hurt you in that way again.
Photo from pexels.com
3. Be patient.
It takes time! Hurt feelings can’t and won’t disappear with just a simple, “I’m sorry.” So be patient with others, but don’t forget to also be patient with yourself.
4. Forgive “retail,” not “wholesale.”
I highly recommend focusing on what in particular hurt you. It can be very difficult – almost unrealistic – to forgive someone for, in general, just being a bad person. You can, however, write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive.
5. Don’t expect too much.
I always think of a story that one of my professors told me in college: He had been dating a girl, was very in love with her, and they were talking about marriage. He eventually found out that she cheated on him. She was so, so excited when he came around to forgiving her because that meant that they could continue their lives together. He forgave her because he knew he was supposed to, but the trust was gone and that was not something that he could ever see coming back. He forgave her, he loved her, and he let her go. If you are being abused, neglected, or taken advantage of, you are not obligated to stay in that situation. Forgiveness does not mean you have to renew a once-close relationship of any kind.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
6. Discard your self-righteousness.
Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.” You will make as many – if not more – mistakes as the person who has wronged you. Yes, you may be a victim, but you too will need forgiveness someday. Remember that.
7. Separate anger from hate.
Your feelings are valid! You are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. Your emotions are natural, but they don’t have to stay tied to the one that hurt you forever.
8. Forgive yourself.
I’ve always had a hard time loving myself. I am very aware of my flaws, and even if others ignore or forgive them, I just can’t seem to be able to. I am a notorious grudge-holder, and my relationship with myself is no exception. At a particularly difficult time in my life, during one of my (many) faith crises, a loving mentor told me, “God has already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself.” I had been taught from a young age that God would forgive our sins, but eventually, I had to learn to forgive them myself.
Think of just one person that you need to forgive – even if that person is you! Write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive, and ponder how you would apply these eight steps to forgive as God would.
References (Article)
Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness. Counseling and values, 40(2), 107-126.
Enright, R. D. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. Handbook of moral behavior and development, 1, 123-152.
Smedes, L. B. (2007). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (Plus). San Francisco, CA: HarperOne.
References (Introduction)
Cranney, S. (2013). Do people who believe in God report more meaning in their lives? The existential effects of belief. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 52(3), 638–646. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jssr.12046
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous effectiveness: Faith meets science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145–157. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10550880902772464
Lambert, N., Fincham, F. D., DeWall, N. C., Pond, R., & Beach, S. R. (2013). Shifting toward cooperative tendencies and forgiveness: How partner-focused prayer transforms motivation. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 184–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01411.x
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., Stillman, T. F., Graham, S. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0956797609355634
Nooney, J., & Woodrum, E. (2002). Religious coping and church-based social support as predictors of mental health outcomes: Testing a conceptual model. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 41(2), 359–368. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1468-5906.00122
McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
