The Paradox of Attachment

Written by Dray Salcido
Buddhism defines attachment as the root of all suffering. And research shows that attachment is a common factor among individuals with symptoms of depression, anxiety, resentment, suicidal ideations, stress, and low self-esteem (Bates et al., 2018). Most of us aren’t fully conscious that our obsessions keep us stuck. Before I embraced mindfulness, I thought I’d always have a void. I believed life would persist in arbitrary, empty feelings. Our inability to feel satisfied, connected, and joyful comes from our conditioning to seek outside ourselves. Nonattachment means letting go of our “fixation to ideas, images, and sensory objects and not feeling an internal pressure to acquire, hold, avoid or change” (Sahdra et al., 2010). So, in what ways are we creating our own suffering, and how can we practice a meaningful life of nonattachment?
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What We Try to Possess, Possesses Us – Our Attachment to Things

A common area of attachment is found with our rumination of things, or materialism. Thoughts like once I have that car, home, wardrobe…then I’ll feel wanted, respected or good about myself. Materialism increases our comparison to others, discontent with our physical appearance, public self-consciousness, and feelings of inadequacy and lack (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). So, why do we exhaust ourselves over having things if it doesn’t make us happy? Ironically, we attach our emotions to things outside us thinking it will ease our discomfort. Have you ever experienced a lonely night and found yourself online shopping? For a while, I attached my worth to my intellect, and thought the more books I owned the more secure I’d feel. We may experience momentary relief in our materialistic efforts, but we all know it doesn’t last. When we give things responsibility over our fulfillment, then we’ve also given up our power because our contentment is contingent upon having, rather than creating. Remember, it’s the clinging to the thing, not the enjoyment of the thing itself, that creates unnecessary suffering. 

Attached vs. Connected – Our Attachments to People

Perhaps more than things, we experience many attachments in our relationships. These usually show up in the form of preconceived notions. Take the transition from the honeymoon phase to a more realistic and stable phase as an example. Couples express anxiety and disappointment as the relationship changes because they think they’re no longer in love. It’s the clinging to the euphoria of a relationship that actually keeps them from feeling happy (Bates et al., 2018). Whereas accepting what is opens them up to new ways of loving and evolving together. Is it comfortable? No. But, pining for the way it was will create resentment and limit our growth with our partners. 
Aren’t we supposed to seek connection? Absolutely! We’re hard-wired for it (Brown, 2012). But, being unattached doesn’t mean you don’t care. Paradoxically letting go frees you up to love without condition, which facilitates true connection. Let’s define the difference between attachment and connection, since this can be tricky to grasp. Both are rooted in the same desires: to love and be loved. Yet, how we show up for people is a huge contrast. Attachment is based on fear and control. Connection is based on faith and letting go. Attachment encourages hiding or changing parts of ourselves. Connection is transparent and honest. Attachment feels like bondage. Connection feels like freedom. An attached person bases their emotional well-being on the behaviors of others. A connected person traces all emotional disturbances back to themselves. An attached person will see their loved ones as they “ought” to be, and resent or judge them when they inevitably fail to show up that way. A connected person sees their loved ones as they actually are, and accepts them for it. Practicing nonattachment shows increased empathy for others (Elphinstone & Whitehead, 2019). The paradox is that when we let go of our attachments we feel more connected. 
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Truthfully, most relationships have attachments. Do you expect your children to go to college? Do you expect your partner to stay with you for life? Do you expect your friend to call on your birthday? These are all attachments. Even the healthiest partnerships will experience hurt feelings and frustrations. Being unattached does not mean you don’t have needs in a relationship, but that you take ownership for those needs. Empowering yourself will help you to make loving requests of the people in your life to meet those needs, rather than entitled demands that they should. The more we can notice our own limiting thoughts about others, the greater capacity we’ll have to let go of being right and choose love instead.

“Be That Self Which One Truly Is” – Our Attachments to Identity

An ancient method for catching monkeys is to place a banana in a cage. When the animal comes along it will reach through the bars and grab the banana. A hunter will then capture the monkey effortlessly all because it won’t let go. The solution is simple: let go of the banana! This isn’t the monkey’s only source of food. It could easily let go, find food elsewhere and keep its life. But, it’s so attached to the fruit it cannot comprehend the simplicity of freedom. In what ways are we controlled simply because we won’t let go? 
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One of the strongest attachment issues we face is around our sense of self. We over-identify using outside sources to make meaning of who we are. Our attachments may be financial status, appearance and body image, popularity, achievements, number of likes and followers, religion, family background, relationship status, perceived talents and abilities, sexual desires and preferences, our youth, gender, race, nationality, addiction, mental health issues, and any other ideas of who you are. Some of us are even attached to our own suffering, or identity as a victim. It’s one thing to acknowledge all these parts of ourselves, and another to attach our sense of worth to them. The self is elusive. Our thoughts of identity aren’t who we really are. The true Self is divine. To see and accept ourselves beyond mental and social constructs is nonattachment, and nonattachment is true love. 
So what if we trust life the way we trust our breathing? Our inhale provides oxygen necessary to our survival. But the exhale is just as important to rid the body of carbon dioxide. Can we be grateful for the inhale, and then let go, or exhale knowing there is more good to come? Just as there is nourishment in breath, there is nourishment in all aspects of life: work, relationships, beliefs, etc. It is when we attach to these things that we unconsciously “disturb ourselves with expectations, opinions, criticisms, and disappointments” (Adele, 2009). Trust life knowing that the nature of existence is impermanence. Just like our breathing, when held too long, that which was nourishing becomes toxic. So, let go of the banana. 
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In conclusion, having attachments isn’t good or bad. Shakespeare said, “nothing is neither good nor bad but thinking makes it so.” So the only question left is how do you want to feel? What attachments would you like to keep, and which would you like to let go of? Ask yourself, “is this attachment serving me? Does it feel light or heavy? Is it creating more joy or more suffering?” Observing and being aware of our thoughts is the first step toward enlightenment.
Personal Practice 1This Week:
  1. Notice your breathing. Can you inhale and exhale – take in and let go, and trust that more good comes?
  2. Look at the objects you own. Do they feel light and detached from your worth? Or do they feel heavy and bring reminders of lack or insecurity?
  3. Notice your expectations. Are you unconsciously demanding fulfillment and comfort from people? Or are you grateful for their existence and consciously making loving requests?
  4. Observe your feelings about the self. Can you look at all the parts that define you without judgment? Or, do you need to look/be a certain way before you love yourself? 
Remember, as you start your journey of nonattachment be curious and kind. Harsh judgments will bring further suffering. Just notice your thoughts, and you’ll be on the gradual path of freedom.                                            

References

Adele, D. (2009). The yamas & niyamas: Exploring yoga’s ethical practice. On-Word Bound Books LLC.
Bates, G., Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2018). Stories of suffering and growth: An investigation of the lived experience of nonattachment. Contemporary Buddhism, 19(2),  448-475. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1080/14639947.2018.1572311
Brown, C. B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, N.Y.: Gotham.
Elphinstone, B., & Whitehead, R. (2019). The benefits of being less fixated on self and stuff: Nonattachment, reduced insecurity, and reduced materialism. Personality and Individual Differences, 149, 302-308. https://doi-org.ezproxy.uvu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.06.019
Sandra, B., P. Shaver, and K. Brown. 2010. A scale to measure nonattachment: A Buddhist complement to western research on attachment and adaptive function. Journal of Personality Assessment 92 (2): 116-127. https://doi-10.1080/00223890903425960

 

 


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Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
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How to Forgive Like God Does

Written by McKay Strong with Intro from Rian Gordon
The Healthy Humans Project is all about providing you with research-based information and tools to help you actively improve your relationships. As we tried to narrow down the different relationships that have power in our lives, we felt that we would be remiss if we weren’t to include one of the most important relationships in our own personal lives, and in the lives of many of our followers – a relationship with God, or a Higher Power. This is a relationship that, when nurtured, has the potential to positively affect all of our other relationships. Research has shown that relying on a Higher Power can help strengthen resilience, increase empathy and meaning, and even improve mental and physical health. Furthermore, spiritual practices such as prayer or meditation have been shown to positively impact other meaningful relationships such as the couple relationship. In the “Reaching Higher” category, we want to explore how we can improve our relationship with our own Higher Power, and how that relationship can help us achieve healthier and more meaningful relationships in all areas of our lives. Thank you for joining us on this journey!
Note: As our experience as the writers of HHP is mostly with the Judeo-Christian tradition, many of our posts will likely include thoughts associated with that specific tradition. However, we would love to be as inclusive as possible, and will do our best to include as many relevant ideas and concepts from as many different traditions and ideologies as we can. If you have any feedback or ideas on how you would like to see us accomplish this, please contact The Healthy Humans Project here!

Condensed from “Forgive and Forget” by Lewis B. Smedes
Forgiveness is often difficult for people to master, and I am no exception. My greatest flaw by far is my ability to hold grudges, but I am constantly striving to reach higher and become more like the God that I believe in. My God is forgiving, kind, and patient. If someone with omnipotent power can find it in Himself to forgive very-flawed-me, I think I should give the same courtesy to His other children.
Are you having a hard time forgiving someone (maybe even yourself) as God does? Here are eight steps to get you started:

1. Take the initiative.

You cannot sit around and wait for someone to apologize to you. If they haven’t already, they may never! Think about it this way: who is being impacted by your hurt feelings – you or them? Sometimes the answer may be “them,” but always it is you. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be a gift that you give to others – if you choose to forgive only to alleviate your suffering, that’s a good enough place to start.

2. If the forgiven person wants to reenter your life, it is fair to demand truthfulness.

If you choose to let someone who has hurt you re-enter your life, you are allowed to show them how they’ve hurt you. Even more, you have the right to expect them not to hurt you in that way again.
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3. Be patient.

It takes time! Hurt feelings can’t and won’t disappear with just a simple, “I’m sorry.” So be patient with others, but don’t forget to also be patient with yourself.

4. Forgive “retail,” not “wholesale.”

I highly recommend focusing on what in particular hurt you. It can be very difficult – almost unrealistic – to forgive someone for, in general, just being a bad person. You can, however, write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive.

5. Don’t expect too much.

I always think of a story that one of my professors told me in college: He had been dating a girl, was very in love with her, and they were talking about marriage. He eventually found out that she cheated on him. She was so, so excited when he came around to forgiving her because that meant that they could continue their lives together. He forgave her because he knew he was supposed to, but the trust was gone and that was not something that he could ever see coming back. He forgave her, he loved her, and he let her go. If you are being abused, neglected, or taken advantage of, you are not obligated to stay in that situation. Forgiveness does not mean you have to renew a once-close relationship of any kind.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

6. Discard your self-righteousness.

Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “God is fully aware that you and I are not perfect.” You will make as many – if not more – mistakes as the person who has wronged you. Yes, you may be a victim, but you too will need forgiveness someday. Remember that.

7. Separate anger from hate.

Your feelings are valid! You are allowed to feel hurt and betrayed. Your emotions are natural, but they don’t have to stay tied to the one that hurt you forever.

8. Forgive yourself.

I’ve always had a hard time loving myself. I am very aware of my flaws, and even if others ignore or forgive them, I just can’t seem to be able to. I am a notorious grudge-holder, and my relationship with myself is no exception. At a particularly difficult time in my life, during one of my (many) faith crises, a loving mentor told me, “God has already forgiven you. You just need to forgive yourself.” I had been taught from a young age that God would forgive our sins, but eventually, I had to learn to forgive them myself.

Personal Practice 1

Think of just one person that you need to forgive – even if that person is you! Write down what act you feel you are ready to forgive, and ponder how you would apply these eight steps to forgive as God would.

References (Article)

Enright, R. D. (1996). Counseling within the forgiveness triad: On forgiving, receiving forgiveness, and self‐forgiveness. Counseling and values, 40(2), 107-126.
Enright, R. D. (1991). The moral development of forgiveness. Handbook of moral behavior and development, 1, 123-152.
Smedes, L. B. (2007). Forgive and Forget: Healing the Hurts We Don’t Deserve (Plus). San Francisco, CA: HarperOne.
References (Introduction)
Cranney, S. (2013). Do people who believe in God report more meaning in their lives? The existential effects of belief. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion52(3), 638–646. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jssr.12046
Kaskutas, L. A. (2009). Alcoholics Anonymous effectiveness: Faith meets science. Journal of Addictive Diseases, 28(2), 145–157. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/10550880902772464
Lambert, N., Fincham, F. D., DeWall, N. C., Pond, R., & Beach, S. R. (2013). Shifting toward cooperative tendencies and forgiveness: How partner-focused prayer transforms motivation. Personal Relationships, 20(1), 184–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1475-6811.2012.01411.x
Lambert, N. M., Fincham, F. D., Stillman, T. F., Graham, S. M., & Beach, S. R. H. (2010). Motivating change in relationships: Can prayer increase forgiveness? Psychological Science, 21(1), 126–132. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0956797609355634
Lucas, M., Ph.D. (2009, November 11). Nine Ways a Meditating Brain Creates Better Relationships. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/rewire-your-brain-love/200911/nine-ways-meditating-brain-creates-better-relationships
Nooney, J., & Woodrum, E. (2002). Religious coping and church-based social support as predictors of mental health outcomes: Testing a conceptual model. Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion, 41(2), 359–368. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/1468-5906.00122
Ögtem-Young, Ö. (2018). Faith Resilience: Everyday Experiences. Societies, 8(1), 10. doi:10.3390/soc8010010
Osborne @SamuelOsborne93, S. (2016, March 30). What believing in God does to your brain. Retrieved from https://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/what-believing-in-god-does-to-your-brain-a6950956.html
Powell, L. H., Shajhabi, L., & Oresen, C. E. ( 2003 ). Religion and spirituality: Linkages to physical health. American Psychologist, 58, 36 –52.

 

 


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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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