As young couples, we are often pressed to begin planning for financial stability in retirement as soon as possible. Couples sit down and discuss whether or not they want to use Traditional or Roth IRA’s, to participate in a 401k, or to invest in real estate or stocks. They decide together how much they want to contribute to their plan each month or year, and they regularly revisit the topic to make sure they are on track for meeting their financial needs in retirement.
But most couples are not taught about the effect of retirement on marital satisfaction, or how to plan ahead for maintaining marital stability through the transition into retirement. For the majority of couples, marital satisfaction tends to decrease temporarily for up to 3 years after retirement, but retirement’s impact on marital satisfaction is more about the process of retirement than just simply being retired (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). When couples are preparing for marriage or having a baby, there is an understanding that it is going to take time to transition into new roles, schedules, and priorities. The same goes for retirement; it is a life event that will re-define and impact a relationship in many ways. If couples keep this in mind as they plan for retirement, they will be better prepared to handle both the expected and unexpected changes that will come. They may also find greater patience for themselves and their spouse and can have a positive outlook as they go through this tough transition together (Higginbottom, Barling, & Kelloway, 1993).
Achieving marital satisfaction post-retirement
Many articles online or in magazines give couples advice for relighting the spark in their marriage during retirement. Tips such as going on dates, asking get-to-know-you questions, and trying new things together are common. Yet few of those tips seem to be supported by research. Instead, the majority of research about having high marital satisfaction during retirement involves things that need to occur or are already a pattern before retirement. Here are five main conversations and patterns couples can develop early on to prepare for a satisfying marriage in retirement:
1. Create a definition of retirement that works for your marriage.
The word retirement often brings to mind images of golf courses, summer homes, traveling, bucket lists, and most importantly, the lack of work. But careers are getting shorter and the ability to save enough money for retirement is getting harder. Researchers are finding that retirement is starting to look different for everyone and can include starting second or even third careers, working part-time or full-time, volunteering, etc. (Moen, Kim, & Hofmeister, 2001). Being open to employment during retirement and other regular activities that create demand for each partner’s time and talents can help individuals and couples maintain a sense of purpose that is sometimes lost with the “I finally get to do whatever I want” mentality of the traditional definition of retirement. A new definition of retirement may also help couples decide to “retire” at the same time. Some research indicates that while couples who only have one retired spouse experience the lowest marital satisfaction during the retirement transition, while couples who retire at the same time have the highest marital satisfaction (Lang, 2001). Perhaps both partners will want to start new careers, or one will start a new career while the other works part-time and puts energy into an old or new hobby that they previously didn’t have time for. Whatever definition you decide on together, find a way to make room for each partner’s personal post-retirement desires and be supportive of each other.
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2. Talk about how each spouse expects roles to change or stay the same during retirement.
Even when retirement still involves employment, schedules may change and spouses may find that they are more available in helping out with their partner’s responsibilities. In particular, many husbands who retire begin to participate more in household labor. While some research shows that wives are grateful for the help, other research has found that wives may feel as though their territory and routines are being invaded (Trudel, Villeneuve, Anderson, & Pilon, 2008). After years of maintaining a status quo, it can be difficult to change who does what and how they do it. Household labor division is an especially challenging topic, but if couples sit down and talk about their expectations for post-retirement roles and responsibilities, the transition through these changes may be significantly easier (Kulik, 2001).
3. Work together to maintain a social network of friends.
While maintaining close friendships is important for both spouses, husbands will particularly benefit from having a social network apart from their spouse (Han, Kim, & Burr, 2019). Wives can help encourage husbands to go out with friends and be supportive of spending some time apart from each other. Couples can also make it a joint priority to build friendships with other couples and socialize in groups regularly. Having a social network that extends beyond the marriage is important for individual mental health and for positive interactions between spouses. Making time for friends needs to be a priority early on in and throughout a marriage, otherwise, couples may make it to retirement and realize they have no social network. It is easier to maintain a social network or be in the habit of socializing than it is to start building one from scratch at an older age.
4. Pay attention to shared and solitary activities that bring joy and excitement into your lives.
People often have some go-to activities that bring happiness and possibly even respite from the daily grind of life. Some of these activities may require solo participation while others are best done with a spouse, a close friend, or a group of friends. Making a conscious effort to identify how these different activities impact the individual and the couple, and continuing to prioritize a variety of activities (shared and solitary) throughout early marriage and the retirement process is important for relationship success (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003).
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5. Strive for high marital satisfaction throughout your marriage.
The number one finding that nearly every study I read had in common was that marital satisfaction after retirement almost directly mirrors marital satisfaction before retirement. Couples who have high marital satisfaction before retirement will continue to be highly satisfied with their marriage, while those who have low marital satisfaction will continue to be unsatisfied with their marriage (Fitzpatrick, & Vinick, 2003). This is where those tips on dating and getting to know each other come in handy. Positive and healthy marriage patterns need to start early in marriage and be maintained in order for them to matter during retirement.
Financial planning and preparing for retirement is expected to begin decades before retirement actually happens, and it should be the same for having a healthy and happy marriage in retirement. Couples can start actively planning early on for how they want their marriage to look post-retirement, and what kind of retirement experience they want to have together. Most importantly, couples should commit to having that type of marriage and experience now.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
References
Fitzpatrick, T. R., & Vinick, B. (2003). The impact of husbands’ retirement on wives’ marital quality. Journal of Family Social Work, 7(1). 83-100. doi: 10.1300/J039v07n01_06
Han, H. S., Kim, K., & Burr, J. A. (2019). Friendship and depression among couples in later life: The moderating effects of marital quality. Journals of Gerontology: Psychological Sciences, 74(2). 222-231. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbx046
Higginbottom, S. F., Barling, J., & Kelloway, K. E. (1993). Linking retirement experiences and marital satisfaction: A mediational model. Psychology and Aging, 8(4). 508-516.
Kulik, L. (2001). The impact of men’s and women’s retirement on marital relations: A comparative analysis. Journal of Women and Aging, 13(2). 21-37. doi: 10.1300/J074v13n02_03
Lang, S. (2001). How retirement affects marriages. Human Ecology. 24.
Moen, P., Kim, J. E., & Hofmeister, H. (2001). Couples’ work/retirement transitions, gender, and marital quality. Social Psychology Quarterly, 64(1). 55-71. doi: 128.187.116.8
Trudel, G., Villeneuve, V., Anderson, A., & Pilon, G. (2008). Sexual and marital aspects of old age: An update. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 23(2). 161-169. doi: 10.1080/14681990801955666
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
If you were retiring today, what would your ideal retirement look like? Are you completely retired from employment, or do you want to try a new line of work? Are you volunteering in your own community, or traveling? Do you want to pick up a new hobby, or devote your time to a long-loved talent? Write it down. Now write out 2-3 alternate situations that look different from your ideal and consider how could find satisfaction if your retirement looked more like one of these alternatives. Discuss what you have written down with your partner.
Sammi Trujillo is nearing the completion of her Bachelor’s degree in Family Studies from Brigham Young University. She has been married for over seven years and is the mother of two young children. Sammi loves teaching about strong marriages, healthy sexuality, and positive pregnancy and birth. Her passion for writing began in junior high and includes both public scholar writing and creative writing. She is currently working on her first novel and works as a public scholar writer for BYU.
