“To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis
As I have discussed in my previous two articles here and here, Brené Brown’s Rising Strong Process helps us move through conflict and emotions. Our final step is one of the most impactful ways we relate to our spouse: empathy. But giving or receiving empathy first requires vulnerability. We experience vulnerability when we face uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure (Brown, 2007).
In our marriages, vulnerability can be felt by both partners. It is sometimes a last resort after trying every other comfortable, non-emotionally exposed way to solve a conflict (Brown, Rising Strong, 2017). Vulnerability is scary, but when we respond in empathy we say “I can hear this. This is hard or uncomfortable for me, but I can sit here with you and hear your story.” (Brown, 2007)
Steps to Empathy (Brown, 2007):
Being able to see the world as others see it
Being nonjudgmental
Understanding another person’s feelings
Communicating your understanding of that person’s feelings
When we are truly empathetic, we allow a safe physical and emotional space for our spouse to open up. When a spouse is confident their feelings and fears will be met with understanding and love, it is easier for them to share. That is why vulnerability is the pathway to empathy; “sharing our stories allows us the opportunity to connect and experience empathy” (Brown, 2007) – especially from our spouse.
If you find vulnerability or empathy is new territory, be honest. Say “I know this is hard for you to tell me, but it is also hard for me to hear. Can we go slowly?” Or perhaps ask for the conversation to happen in more than one sitting.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Expressing empathy can be more difficult for men because it includes being vulnerable. Because of societal gender norms, showing emotions in this way can be viewed as weak. Gus Worland, founder of Man Up (a nonprofit in Australia), is determined to educate about the risks of men staying silent – assuring them that to truly “man up,” is to share. Wives, if this is something your husband struggles with, encourage and assure him that there is strength in vulnerability. But also seek to be patient and meet him where he is.
“If we judge ourselves harshly and are incapable or unwilling to acknowledge our emotions, we can struggle in our relationships with others. We have to know and accept ourselves before we can know and accept others.” (Brown, 2007) We can encourage our spouses and help them learn to be empathetic, but don’t push them where they are not ready. As much as we hope to receive empathy from our spouse, also be sure to extend empathy to your spouse. Those who both give and receive empathy are more resilient in relationships. (Brown, 2007)
If you are having a hard time understanding what empathy is in real terms, watch this animated video (we’ve shared this before, but it’s a really good one!).
Photo by Christina Rivers on Unsplash
Misconceptions about empathy
How can I be empathetic if I didn’t experience the same things?
We may not know what it is like to be a black woman in an all-white law firm, but we most likely can relate to feeling left out, alone or belittled. The key to empathy is to hone in on the emotion, not necessarily the situational details. (Brown, 2007) “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” (Brown, 2007)
Love, then fix.
Some spouses really like to fix things, and sometimes their partner just wants to be listened to. (Like with this nail.) For the partner seeking empathy, recognize that while your partner may not always be able to name or understand how you are feeling, the fact that they are reaching out to fix the problem indicates that they see your pain and want to ease it. Meet your spouse where they are, and appreciate any help. Also help them understand that offering empathy first may make someone more receptive to help. For the partner seeking to fix, try slowing down, listening, and asking your partner when they share, “are you wanting me to help you find solutions right now, or are you just wanting empathy?”
Does it excuse behavior?
To show understanding is not to condone. Empathy is the right path towards positive change because it helps us know that we are more than our mistakes. It says, “you are not alone in your struggles, and we are in this together.”
Photo by Justin Groep on Unsplash
In the same way that empathy is the antidote to shame, lack of empathy often results in shame. Not just guilt, but shame. Guilt sounds like “I made a mistake” and shame sounds like “I am a mistake.” While shame does not motivate change, guilt is a very strong motivator (Brown, 2007). In a recent longitudinal study, 380 5th graders were measured in their proneness for shame. At age 18, those with just guilt-proneness predicted less delinquency, while those who were shame-prone were more likely to have unprotected sex, use illegal drugs and had more involvement in the criminal justice system (Stuewig, 2016). When we use shame as a motivator for behavioral change, it will have lasting negative effects. “How can we apologize for something we are, rather than something we did?” (Lerner, 2001) Shame defines us, but guilt is only part of us. Empathy can give us the confidence and support to positively change without shame.
It can be easy to confuse sympathy and empathy. Empathy is having the courage to reach across the world to understand someone else. Sympathy is when we look at others from our side of the world and feel sorry for them (Brown, 2007). We see their hurt and say “I’m sorry that this happened to you, but let’s be clear; I am over here and you are over there.” (Brown, 2007) Sympathy exacerbates shame and is about separation rather than compassion and connection.
Sympathy-seeking
When someone else is seeking sympathy, it can be easy to spot: “Feel sorry for me because I’m the only one this is happening to” or “my situation is worse than yours!” People seeking sympathy are not looking for empathy or connection, but rather for confirmation of their uniqueness. (Brown, 2007)This can feel like a no-win situation, especially in marriage. “One the one hand they are telling us they have it worse than anyone…. But they are [still] looking for our validation…which rarely produces real connections.” (Brown, 2007)
However, sympathy-seeking can be hard to spot in ourselves—especially in marital conflict. To combat this, ask yourself what you seek when you open up: connection or confirmation of uniqueness? It can be easy to resort to sympathy-seeking because both require sharing. We use the guise of vulnerability to disconnect. Sympathy-seeking is usually about over-sharing or making a spectacle of ourselves and not vulnerability. True “vulnerability is not live-tweeting your bikini wax. Vulnerability is about trust, intimacy, and connection. We share with people who have earned the right to hear the story.” (Oprah.com) And hopefully, that is your spouse.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
Empathy in Marriage
Empathy can be especially difficult in marriage as we often have different perspectives – especially due to gender differences and families of origin. In my case, opposites attract. I am from the west coast; my husband is from the east coast. Despite our similarities, differences in our background can cause problems. We come from different life views and family experiences. This is where we have to be wary of sympathy-seeking and other disconnection tactics because of differences between spouses.
But I think this is also why empathy can also be so powerful in a marriage. When we can truly show love and step into another person’s shoes, we show our dedication to loving our spouse through understanding and listening. Women especially find more satisfaction in marriage when there is more empathy (Waldinger, 2004).
Revolution
The final step of the Rising Strong process is Revolution. It gives us a new vision of what is possible. When we can dig into our stories, personal and shared, we can make way for more authenticity, learning, wisdom, and bravery because of our vulnerabilities and “dark emotions” (Platek, 2018). And we can find power when we foster empathy in our marriages.
“Every human must be able to view the self as complex and multidimensional. When this fact is obscured, people wrap themselves in layers of denial in order to survive.” (Lerner, 2001) But “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to keep it intact, you must give it to no one.” (Lewis, 1960)
When we do not share ourselves we lose the chance to experience empathy (Brown, 2007). When we do not share with our spouses, we lose the chance to be fully loved and to love fully. We miss the chance to share every complex, multidimensional, broken, uncivilized, messy, beautifully human part of ourselves. Love is about vulnerability; you could get hurt, or you could be healed. Each step of the Rising Strong process can be terrifying, but it can also be transforming. Have the courage to connect through all of it—and Rise Strong together.
Practice perspective-taking by looking at the people around you and giving them a story. Where are they from? What are their favorite foods, hobbies, friends? What do their realtionships look like? What kinds of struggles have they been through? What do they have in common with you? Really get inside their heads and their lives! This exercise will hopefully help you to better understand that everyone has a story. When we seek to understand the stories of those around us, we will better be able to empathize and love them.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Jeffrey Stuewig, J. P. (2016). Children’s Proness to Shame and Guilt Predict Risky and Illegal Behaviors in Young Adulthood. Child Psychiatry Human Development , 217-227.
Lerner, H. (2001). The Dance of Connection: How to talk to someone when you’re mad, hurt, angry, scared, frustrated, insulted, betrayed or desperate. New York: Harper Collins.
Waldinger, R. (2004). Reading Others’ Emotions: The Role of Intuitive Judgements in Predicting Marital Satisfaction, Quality, and Stability. Journal of Family Psychology , 58-71.
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Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children. Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
I grew up a reader. I read, I was read to, I did summer reading programs at my local library, I stayed up until all hours of the night reading… rarely did I not have a book with me. I heard from my mom and teachers hundreds of thousands of times how important it was to read. I also heard from my mom that you had to give a book 50 pages before you could put it down and say that you didn’t like it or it wasn’t the book for me. She learned it from a class, and yes it does work because some books take 50 pages for the story to really get going.
What I did not know, however, was why reading was so important. I had speculated ideas about why and had always heard that it makes a person a better writer. BUT, as it turns, out there’s more to it than just gaining better writing or language skills! Reading helps improve our relationship skills as we are more empathetic and kinder when we read (Borba, 2017).
Research has shown that parents care more about their child’s success rather than their child’s ability to be nice (Borba, 2017). Because of this, there has been a drive for success rather than kindness often at the expense of other children. Reading helps to bridge the gap and create children and adults who are empathetic and understanding towards one another, which in turn, sets them up for relationship success (something that will impact them far longer than getting straight A’s). If you want to learn more about why empathy is important, read these articles here, and here.
What to Read?
There are a huge variety of books out there – everything from picture books to non-ficiton to science fiction. The best type of book to help with empathy and moral development is actually picture books (Borba, 2017)! Picture books tend to contain content that draws on emotions and real-life situations that kids may encounter (Borba, 2017). Reading these books helps children to understand problem-solving, dealing with their own emotions, and have empathy towards the characters in the story. If you’re not sure where to start with picture books, you can ask a librarian at your local library, or a quick search with a phrase like “best picture books of all time” will yield thousands of results.
Photo from pexels.com
The second type of book that is best for building empathy and moral development is literary fiction (Borba, 2017). Literary fiction is a little different than general fiction, in that its value lies in the more serious and emotional nature of real-life events rather than simple entertainment value (Petite, 2014). Literary works of fiction include books such as The Book Thief, The Great Gatsby, and The Kite Runner. Literary fiction tends to help people be more empathetic, more skillful at taking the perspective of others, and more understanding of those who are different than they are (Borba, 2017).
Creating a Reading-Friendly Environment
While what you are reading can impact what you take away from the experience, consistent reading is actually what allows us to be empathetic and more understanding of others (Borba, 2017). Reading every day is where you will find the most benefits, whether it’s for 30 minutes or 3 hours.
Getting your child excited about reading can start even before they are born! Research has shown that reading to your child in utero can actually help stimulate a baby’s senses, improve brain development, and help with language development later on (Partanen et al., 2013). And those benefits continue as you keep reading to your growing child after they leave the womb. If you want to get your child excited about reading, make it fun! Use character voices, make up little songs or rhymes, or incorporate role-play. If you are reading a picture book, help your child point to what you are reading about. You can also try incorporating reading into your child’s daily routine. Having some family story time before bed is a great way to make sure you are reading every day! If you can cultivate a love for reading at home, children will be more likely to enjoy reading once they start attending school.
Photo from pexels.com
Here are a few more easy steps that can be taken to create a reading-friendly environment in your home:
Have designated screen-free time, and areas of the house where technology isn’t allowed (Rassmussen, 2017). For every family, the time and area of the house will be different, but research typically suggests to avoid screens in bedrooms because it interferes with the human body’s ability to associate the bedroom with sleep, as well as falling and staying asleep (Rassmussen, 2017). Creating screen-free time and areas helps kids and adults find other ways to entertain themselves, and a great way to do this is reading!
Have books at home that kids and adults can easily see and access (Borba, 2017). Buying books is one way to keep those books on display in your home. Local thrift stores, book stores and online retailers such as Amazon are a great way to purchase books usually with some sort of discount. Additionally, purchasing books in the mass market paperback edition will save you money as well. However, I know that purchasing books can be expensive, which is why getting a library card is a great investment. Going to the library every couple of weeks (especially with kids) encourages them to choose books that are interesting to them and helps to maintain a fresh supply of books. Libraries also offer book suggestions for both children and adults, along with activities and events that get everyone involved in reading, such as summer reading programs.
Set aside time to read both individually, and as a family (Borba, 2017). Set aside at least 30 minutes each day to read together, on your own, or both. Reading together is great for kids who can’t yet read on their own. This can include reading picture books together, or even chapter books with simple plotlines that young kids can understand. Reading aloud also provides an opportunity to talk about what is going on in the story as well as encourage perspective-taking. As a side note, as kids get older they may prefer to read on their own or to their siblings or other children, but don’t stop reading together as a family – it is still beneficial for teens to read together with others.
Let’s Talk About It
One of the most important things you can do to help your child engage in reading is to talk about what you are reading, especially when you are reading together. When reading together, take the time to ask questions about characters in the books, or even role-play as characters. Researcher, Michele Borba (2017) suggests parents and teachers ask kids the following three types of questions as they read:
Ask “What If” questions. Ask questions such as: “What if you were (insert character name)?”, “If you were in that position what advice would you give?”
Ask “How Would You Feel” questions. Ask questions like, “How would you feel if someone took your toy?”
Switch the focus from me to you. Preface questions with, “Pretend you are a character (from the story).” Then ask, “How would you feel if you were that character?” This helps kids to switch in and out of different perspectives.
Asking these kinds of questions are just as essential a part of reading as discussing the story or plotline, since understanding the characters and their motivations is part of what makes reading so powerful. All three of these types of questions encourages empathy and perspective-taking, helping children be more empathetic and understanding towards others – qualities that will set them up for success in their future relationships.
This week spend some time reading every day. The length of time you read doesn’t matter. It can be two hours or ten minutes just as long as you’re reading. If you don’t have a book to read venture to your local library or book store and pick one up.
References
Borba, M. (2017). Unselfie: Why empathetic kids succeed in our all-about-me world. New York: Touchstone.
Partanen, E., Kujala, T., Naatanen, R., Liitola, A., Sambeth, A., & Huotilainen, M. (2013). Learning-induced neural plasticity of speech processing before birth. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(37), 15145-15150. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.1302159110
Rasmussen, E. E. (2017). Media maze: Unconventional wisdom for guiding children through media. Springville, UT: Plain Sight Publishing, an imprint of Cedar Fort.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Type the word Empathy into Google Scholar, Wikipedia, any library search function, or scholarly works database and I’ve found that you can access enough information to spend the rest of your life studying the topic. Empathy, as well as compassion and connection, are heavily studied topics in today’s society and skills that are slipping away from a very disconnected and “plugged in” people. My purpose in writing this article is to help us all improve our ability to respond empathetically to those we associate with and in so doing increase satisfaction with our relationships.
So why is it important to have empathy, and not just sympathy for others?
In Brené Brown’s book, “The Gifts of Imperfection”, she illustrates beautifully how compassion and empathy work together to create connection and understanding. Brené shares an experience where she felt embarrassed and mortified in front of a crowd and how she then turned to her sister, Ashley, as a listening ear to share her feelings with. “Ashley was amazing. She listened and responded with total compassion. She had the courage to tap into her own struggles with worthiness so that she could genuinely connect to what I was experiencing. She said wonderfully honest and empathetic things like, “Oh man. That’s so hard. I’ve done that dance. I hate that feeling!…Ashley was willing to be in my darkness with me. She wasn’t there as my helper or to fix me; she was just with me – as an equal – holding my hand as I waded through my feelings.”
Where empathy creates and fuels connection, sympathy actually causes disconnection. Having sympathy for others rather than empathy automatically places them on a lower level than us. It drives us to try and “fix” the problem (or even the person!) rather than helping us meet them as an equal to share in an experience of feeling together.
We’ve shared this video before, but I think it is an excellent explanation of the differences between sympathy and empathy.
Pema Chodron (an American Tibetan Buddhist, ordained nun, acharya and disciple of Chögyam Trungpa) states beautifully, “Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.” I feel that to really empathize best, we have to cast aside our pride and our desire to gain any advantage in the conversation and then be willing to put ourselves in a vulnerable place. A stumbling block for me when trying to respond empathetically has been the fear of feeling vulnerable and taking on someone else’s emotions. Maybe some of you reading this have the same fears. Take comfort in the fact that vulnerability and the possibility of rejection is scary for everyone, and the fact that someone is opening up to you most likely means that they trust you and are willing to offer you the same grace that you extend to them.
I like lists and I like knowing what the steps are to accomplishing things, so here are a few tools that might help you in connecting and empathizing with someone.
1. Appropriate Self-Disclosure
This is a tricky one because it can be helpful, but if used inappropriately can either lead to discomfort or betrayed trust (for example, if we offer more vulnerability and disclosure than a relationship is ready for), or it can turn into a “my car is bigger than your car” kind of thing. So here are a few guidelines:
Make sure it benefits the other person and not yourself
Avoid being a “thunder-stealer”
Make sure its relevant to the situation
Share your own experiences, not others
Photo by Marie-Michèle Bouchard on Unsplash
2. Active Listening
This is key to really any productive and successful conversation. Humans have a great desire to be heard and understood so learning to be a good listener will help you be a better spouse, friend, employee/employer, etc. Here are a few guidelines:
Ensure your body language shows you are listening – have a relaxed posture, put aside any distraction, maintain appropriate eye contact.
Respond at the right times. It’s okay to not have a response for everything. You can still be actively listening by stating, “Wow, I don’t know what to say. That has to be so hard.” Learn to be comfortable with silence – sometimes all that someone needs is solidarity.
3. Unconditional Acceptance
This means that judgments and your evaluation of their feelings are not offered. This is not the time to give suggestions or do a psychoanalysis. Those conversations can happen later, but to really create openness and understanding we just need to listen and validate. In order for someone to feel safe to share with you, it is important to establish a pattern of loving and accepting them unconditionally.
Photo from pexels.com
4. Take on their perspective and lay yours to the side
This is a good time to apply the old adage that to truly know someone we must walk a mile in their shoes. Know that this takes practice. It isn’t easy to set aside prejudices or assumptions that have sometimes been drilled into our subconscious since birth. It takes courage and conscious thought to step outside of our limited reality, and to try and see the world as someone else does.
Brené says it perfectly: “Empathy is a CHOICE.” It is up to us to choose whether or not we will allow ourselves to be vulnerable enough to truly connect and feel with others. The next time someone you love approaches you with a call for connection, take a chance on responding with empathy – it’ll only bring you closer.
References
Brown, B. C. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. Center City, MN: Hazelden Publishing.
Riker, J. H. (2020). Empathy, compassion, and meditation: A vision for a Buddhist self psychology. Psychoanalytic Inquiry, 40(5), 327–339. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/07351690.2020.1766323
Sinclair, S., Beamer, K., Hack, T. F., McClement, S., Raffin Bouchal, S., Chochinov, H. M., & Hagen, N. A. (2017). Sympathy, empathy, and compassion: A grounded theory study of palliative care patients’ understandings, experiences, and preferences. Palliative Medicine, 31(5), 437–447. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0269216316663499
Soto-Rubio, A., & Sinclair, S. (2018). In defense of sympathy, in consideration of empathy, and in praise of compassion: A history of the present. Journal of Pain and Symptom Management, 55(5), 1428–1434. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.jpainsymman.2017.12.478
Wieck, C., Kunzmann, U., & Scheibe, S. (2021). Empathy at work: The role of age and emotional job demands. Psychology and Aging, 36(1), 36–48. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/pag0000469
Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
Infertility is typically defined as not being able to get pregnant after one year (or longer) of unprotected sex. Just about everyone knows at least one person who is struggling to get pregnant. And if you can’t think of someone right off the bat, I can guarantee that there is someone close to you that maybe just hasn’t told you they are struggling. In fact, according to the CDC, 1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy.Furthermore, after six months of trying, only 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance. That leaves 40% that may end up needing some type of fertility treatment! Usually when we think about infertility we only think about the woman’s side of things. While this is very important and we should be sensitive with this topic, men are often forgotten in the equation. Truth be told, infertility is oftentimes just as hard on men as it is on women. In this article, I’d like to share about some of my own personal struggles with infertility, and address some of the common responses that I have received as I have opened up to people about the battle my wife and I are enduring.
Note: This post largely consists of my own personal experiences. Be aware that everyone’s journey with infertility is different, and therefore, someone may wish to be approached about their own personal journey in a different way from mine.
First reactions.
When talking to people about future plans or about any topic related to families, most people will ask “so do you want kids”? Before I say anything else, let me first address the fact that someone else’s family planning is not your business. You never know what someone may be going through, so unless they bring it up themselves, or it is someone that you are really close with, don’t ask that question in the first place. Whenever I am asked this question, my response is always the same, “Of course I do. Unfortunately, my wife and I have been blessed with infertility and are currently going through treatments so that we can.” (More on why I say “blessed with,” later) More often than not people will get very quiet and give me a look as if I had told them that I enjoy sticking pencils up my nose. Then, without a doubt, I get one of three responses. First, I will either get a question about adoption, second, I’ll hear a statement about how lucky I am, or lastly, I’ll get a story about how they knew of someone else who did this random thing and got pregnant. To be honest, these responses are incredibly frustrating. I do understand that people are trying to help and be comforting. Let’s be real, though, these responses are not helpful. All I really want is for someone to say, “Dude that sucks, I am sorry that’s happening,” and move on.
Photo by Janko Ferlič on Unsplash
“You could always just adopt.”
Adoption is a wonderful blessing for so many people. And I can guarantee that the majority of couples who are struggling with infertility have had many conversations with each other about the possibility of adoption. But to someone in the thick of a battle with infertility, saying things like, “Well, you can always adopt!” can really hurt. For some, adoption is just not a currently viable option due to cost or living situation. For others, the pain of thinking about giving up on having their own biological child is just too much. The best move is to assume that the couple has already considered this option, and to allow them to bring it up themselves if it is something they want to discuss with you.
I am lucky?
Hearing that I am lucky that I can’t have kids right now is one of the most frustrating comments to receive. Oftentimes, the people who tell me I am lucky are single and have no ambition to have a family in their current lifestyle (note that I have gotten this comment from both men and women). To me, infertility is not luck, it is a difficult and unfortunate part of life that my wife and I have to struggle through together. I do not care that we’re not at risk of having an “oops baby”, or that I get “unlimited sex”. I do not care that it means my wife and I don’t have to take care of a crying baby all through the night. I would take an “oops”, I would give up “unlimited sex”, I would gladly rock my crying baby all through the night if it meant that I got to be a father. If you are ever tempted to tell someone who is struggling with infertility how lucky they are, stop and think. Try stepping into their shoes to gain an understanding of what it means to feel such an incredible yearning and loss for something that can’t yet be part of your life.
Photo by Nynne Schrøder on Unsplash
Why advice does not help…and what you can do instead.
Oftentimes, we use advice as a defense mechanism. When we are uncomfortable, we try and offer a bit of wisdom to help make a trial that someone is going through seem a little more manageable, and a little less scary. While advice-giving is well-meaning, it can feel like a punch to the gut. As if my wife and I haven’t already tried everything we could think of (and that the internet and doctors could think of) to help us get pregnant. Almost two years ago, I was talking to an older man who had gone through the same thing earlier in his life. After struggling with infertility, he and his wife chose to adopt two girls from Korea (where his wife is from). As we were talking, he said a few things that stood out to me. First, he said that “he and his wife were blessed with infertility”. Second, he mentioned that, “It’s a pain no one can understand without going through the fire of doctors and medicine”. And third, “People’s advice is the hardest thing to hear. They speak on a matter they know nothing about, but act as if they are experts. Talking about their friend’s sister’s uncle who had issues and miraculously got pregnant because of a diet they did, or a sex position they tried.” For me, this man hit the nail on the head. Unless they have gone through it themselves, people don’t truly understand the pain of battling the “blessing of infertility”, but they still talk like they get it. Rather than acting like you know how to solve the problem, instead reach out with love, kindness, and a desire to understand. You don’t have to fix someone’s struggle in order to help them. Silent solidarity, a hug, or even just an acknowledgment of their struggle (again, “Man, that sucks. I’m sorry you have to go through that”) is often far better than trying to offer up what will most likely be not very helpful advice. Also, it’s important to remember that unless someone directly asks for ideas for sex positions to try, assume they don’t want to know. That is a private and intimate part of life that should remain between partners.
Photo from pexels.com
So What DO You Say?
When discussing someone’s struggle with infertility (or any struggle really), the best policy is to “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Personally, all I really want is to be treated normally. And I believe that the majority of people who are experiencing infertility are in the same boat. We are not a ticking bomb that you have to walk on eggshells around. It’s lonely knowing that you are part of such a small community in the world that has this issue, and the best way to remedy that loneliness is through genuine connection. Be honest about your comfort level with the subject — if it makes you uncomfortable to talk to someone about their infertility, then let them know. That is okay! And feel free to ask non-invasive questions. Stop, think, and reach out in empathy.
Figure out where you are with talking about infertility. Talk to your partner about what it means to you to have a child or to want a child, and cherish the heck out of your family or significant other.
Richard Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and then moved on to live in Alaska and Texas before finally marrying his high school best friend, Aubrey-Dawn. He works at a residential treatment center, and specializes in working with ASD adolescents. He is studying recreational therapy and art.
Practice perspective-taking by looking at the people around you and giving them a story. Where are they from? What are their favorite foods, hobbies, friends? What do their realtionships look like? What kinds of struggles have they been through? What do they have in common with you? Really get inside their heads and their lives! This exercise will hopefully help you to better understand that everyone has a story. When we seek to understand the stories of those around us, we will better be able to empathize and love them.
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU.
