Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Written by Melissa Buckley of Learning to Thrive
I finally had my light bulb moment!
I looked at my husband and said, “I feel left out… I just want to feel included, like I belong.”
His face softened and his heart melted in front of me. I was finally saying something he understood. After more than an hour (yikes!) of hashing out a pretty nasty fight, I had clarity!
I had to really dive deep to find that root emotion. And it was hard to admit it once I realized it. Getting to that moment was hard. But I don’t think it should have been that hard…
I knew there was a better way, and I had an inkling it was about my emotions. After all, John Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, says that “the more emotionally intelligent a couple—the better able they are to understand, honor and respect each other and their marriage—the more likely they will indeed live happily ever after” (John Gottman, 1999, pp. 3-4).
Searching for More
To be emotionally intelligent we need to take responsibility for our emotions, recognize they are our own, and then have the courage to share them with others. We must also allow others to do the same. Being vulnerable is critical to understanding emotions but can be potentially heartbreaking. The Rising Strong process outlined in Brené Brown’s book of the same title is designed to help us navigate those vulnerable moments with resilience (Brown, 2015, pp. xiv, xvii).
The Rising Strong Process
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The Reckoning: Walk into your story – recognize emotion, get curious
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The Rumble: Own your story – challenge assumptions, make changes
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The Revolution: Write a new ending (Brown, 2015, p. 37)
One major roadblock to this process can be fear, which causes us to disengage. For some, the roadblock of fear is too difficult to overcome. Some “don’t like how difficult emotions feel… [worry] about what people might think… [and] don’t know what to do with discomfort and vulnerability” (p. 50). This can especially be true for men. As this is an important topic, I will be covering it in a separate article next month.
The Stress Response
As I began to dive into the Rising Strong process, trying to identify emotions, all I felt was shame. For me, that was “the fear of disconnection” (Brown, 2007, p. 47).
Shame can be triggered by one of the twelve “shame categories—appearance and body image, motherhood, family, parenting, money and work, mental and physical health, sex, aging, religion, being stereotyped and labeled, and speaking out and surviving trauma” (p. 172).
Which basically covers the majority of marital conflict. Go figure.
When I feel shame, my heart races, my stomach tightens, and I tend to lash out. It affects my ability to think clearly and I feel very erratic—not my normal self.
Brené hypothesizes that when we “experience shame we are often thrown into crisis mode… that shame can be so threatening… [it] can signal our brains to go into our very primal, ‘fight, flight or freeze’ mode” (Brown, 2007, p. 28). A recent study on the effects of shame on the brain states, “When faced with shame, the brain reacts as if it was facing physical danger and activates the sympathetic nervous system generating the flight/fight/freeze response.” (Davis, 2019)
Was I really behaving like I was being attacked by a lion?! Surely that can’t be right…
But the more I learned about these three different stress responses, the more I could see how my reaction was hindering progress in our marriage. I also realized that my husband and I have different stress responses.
See this great video for more details about the Fight, Flight, Freeze Stress Response.
The Reckoning
Before my light bulb moment, I had walked into an argument with my husband, upset about something he had done. I spent an hour asking him why he had done it, trying to change him. Because my stress reaction is “fight,” I was determined to hash it out until we fixed it. This also means I was too caught up to look inward at myself. At a certain point, he clammed up and went right into the “freeze” stress response because he felt emotionally threatened. It wasn’t until then that I was able to look at myself, and, rather than blame him, actually realize how I felt about what had happened.
This is “The Reckoning.” I needed to reflect on how I was feeling, apart from my spouse. I needed to take responsibility for my emotions and subsequent actions. Choosing to reflect apart from my spouse helps me to think clearly without stress or pressure. Be sure you are clear if you choose to take time to think or you will risk the other person assuming you are in a “flight” stress response. Simply saying, “I am feeling a big emotion and I need to sort through it on my own,” or “I know this is an important topic, but I need some time to process first” can be very helpful signals.
The second part of the reckoning is to be curious. I had to begin to ask why I was feeling that way. I had my light bulb moment when I began to question why I was feeling disconnected. When we are curious, we surrender to uncertainty (Brown, Rising Strong, p. 52). This can mean having the courage to say “I don’t know” or even scarier, to deal with deep hurt or darkness. Wanting to dive into this line of questioning can be intimidating, but it is crucial to the reckoning. (pp. 53, 67)
Being curious enough to ask why is “The Reckoning.” Finding the answer to the why is “The Rumble.”
The Rumble
1. Be honest about the stories you are telling yourself.
Own your feeling: I feel disconnected.
What is the story you are telling yourself? The story I am telling myself is that if you didn’t include me, you don’t love me.
2. Challenge those assumptions to determine what the truth is and what needs to change.
Ask questions like:
Is this really true?
Do I need more information?
What assumptions am I making?
Do I know enough about the other parties?
What emotion or experience is underneath my response?
What part did I play?
These questions should be personal, embracing awareness and growth (Brown, Rising Strong, 2015, p. 88).
This has been one of the hardest steps for me as these questions can be difficult to answer. Sometimes it takes me minutes, other times weeks, to find the truth beyond my assumptions. The more I practice questioning, the better I get at it. I can even avoid potential misunderstandings by first asking questions. The next step may be to say to your spouse, “This is what I am telling myself. Help me see the truth.”
The Revolution
Searching for truth without stress was the key. As it turned out, my feelings of disconnection stemmed from a negative teenage memory. And my husband was not intentionally trying to leave me out. I was six months pregnant, tired, and going to bed at 8pm, and he was doing fun things on his own while allowing me to sleep.
Knowing the real story helped us to move forward.
The Rising Strong Process also yielded additional insights. For example, we recognized a greater need for spending more time together. We began writing the next part of our story together. “The Revolution” allows our knowledge to change the way we love one another.
When we see our spouse more fully, we can love them better.
Conclusion
When we continue to believe the “story we are telling ourselves” rather than dive deeper to find the real story, we risk remaining in the same conflict or perhaps only addressing surface-level problems.
There will always be marital conflict, but when we learn to question our own feelings in an emotionally intelligent way, we can build resilience. We can begin to rewrite our marital stories.
So the next time you feel your teeth clench or your heart pound, see it for what it truly is: your body and mind sensing emotional danger. Start by looking inward. Find the trigger. Acknowledge your deepest fears and insecurities. Then, challenge your assumptions. Embrace the real story, and find the courage to act.
You never know how sharing your innermost feelings could strengthen your marriage.
Click here to read parts two and three of The Reckoning and The Rumble series!
Spend some time this week practicing reflecting on how you are feeling, and being curious about why you are feeling those feelings. Be sure to do so OUTSIDE of a conflict.
References
Brown, B. (2007). I Thought It Was Just Me (but it isn’t). New York: Gotham Books.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising Strong. New York: Random House.
Davis, S. (2019, April 11). The Neuroscience of Shame. Retrieved August 12, 2019, from https://cptsdfoundation.org/2019/04/11/the-neuroscience-of-shame/
John Gottman, N. S. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York: Crown Publishing Group.
The Fight Flight Freeze Response. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEHwB1PG_-Q
Melissa discovered her talent for writing in her freshman writing class at BYU. She graduated with a degree in Family Life and then attended Le Cordon Bleu to pursue her dream of baking wedding cakes. After three years of professional baking, she hung up her apron to be a stay at home mom. She lives in Las Vegas with her husband and twin toddlers. She has since rekindled her love of writing and finds time to write while caring for her children.
Melissa has a passion for sharing her knowledge and experiences with other women, to empower them to be their best selves. She writes about faith, family, love and relationships with the occasional baking metaphor.
1 Comment
Great article, thank you! So much to think about when dealing with heightened stress and emotions in relationships. I love how the writer broke everything down in a clear, concise way. Thanks for posting!