They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021.
A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage.
A Different Way of Looking at Stress
Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it.
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B).
This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him.
C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially.
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.
References
Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
You are not alone. We are living in unprecedented times, and that tends to stress us out. A lot of the outlets that we may normally use to cope with our stress have been restricted or taken away and that makes it harder to maintain fluctuating levels of stress.
Let’s talk about some ways you can better manage your stress, because, as a professor of mine would so lovingly remind me, “stress management is life management.”
Prioritize
When we’re stressed, it can be really hard to figure out what we need to do and how to accomplish it. What things absolutely have to get done and what things can wait? There is a wide variety of resources out there to help answer this question, such as the Covey Quadrant Method, the prioritized to-do list, Productivity Boot Camp, etc. My personal favorite is the sticky note method, which essentially gives you a visual representation of what you’ve accomplished.
The sticky note method goes like this (Wheeler, 2019):
Get a pad of sticky notes
Write down what you need to get done, one task per sticky note
Make sure that when you write the task you are specific. For example, “spend 30 minutes trimming the bushes” instead of “yard work”
Once you have the tasks you need to get done written out, take the sticky notes and put them somewhere you can see them in order from most important to least important
When you finish a task, take the sticky note off and throw it away
If you don’t finish all of the tasks by the end of the day, that’s okay! Rarely do we finish everything we intend to accomplish all in one sitting. Leave the sticky notes up and then keep working on them the next day.
We have talked a lot about self-care here at the Healthy Humans Project, and that’s because it is so important! Being stressed out all the time often leaves us feeling like we don’t have the time or energy to take care of ourselves, but it’s absolutely vital that we do. It may seem more important to get those dishes done or disinfect the high-touch services for the third time this week, but this will ultimately leave you feeling tired and even more exhausted than before. Make the time each day to take care of yourself. That doesn’t mean you have to take three hours for self-care! Your self-care is going to look different depending on your current level of stress, and on your needs for that day (Gordon, 2019). One day it may be taking 20 minutes to watch an episode of your favorite show, doing a face mask, or even taking a nap. Other days you’ll have more time to take that bubble bath or watch that movie on your watch list. What matters is that you are taking the time to take care of yourself.
Exercise
Exercise is one of the best forms of stress relief. The type of exercise you choose doesn’t really matter, what matters that you move your body on a daily basis. Find what makes you feel good! Moving your body can mean dancing in the kitchen to blasting music, going for a run, doing a workout video from YouTube, or going to the gym (if, you know, that’s an option). Exercise has many benefits for stress. When you exercise your body naturally releases endorphins (sometimes known as a runner’s high), which makes you feel happier. When you exercise consistently it can boost your mood and help with mild depression and anxiety (Exercise and Stress, 2018).
Additionally, exercise is great for helping ease the body’s response to stress. Our bodies have two major nervous systems that govern a wide variety of physiological responses, known as the parasympathetic and the sympathetic nervous systems. The parasympathetic system is commonly referred to as the “rest and digest” system, and the sympathetic as the fight, flight or freeze response. When we are stressed, our body triggers the sympathetic nervous system, causing muscle tension, a racing heart, and adrenaline release throughout the body to prepare for fight, flight or freeze. As we exercise, our body is able to use this stress response to actually benefit our body by building muscle and strengthening our cardiovascular system. It also helps to regulate our body’s stress response. Check out this video here, and this one here if you would like to learn more.
Sleep
Stress can impact our ability to sleep, which is problematic because we also need sleep to help combat stress! While we sleep, our bodies do maintenance to repair and heal our bodies, as well as helping with memory consolidation (Stress and Sleep, 2013). When we are stressed, we often don’t get enough sleep, leaving us tired or even more stressed (anyone else stress how much sleep they aren’t getting??). Most often, stress leaves us unable to get high-quality sleep, which then affects our mood and our ability to cope with life.
We need to make sure that we are getting at least 8 hours of sleep at night regardless of age (kids, babies and teens are in the group that needs more than that). Thankfully, there are some things we can do to help us sleep better. First, establish a routine around bedtime. For example, take a shower, brush your teeth, read for 30 minutes, and then go to sleep. Sticking to a routine signals to the body that it is time to go to sleep. Second, turn off electronics two hours before bedtime. Blue light is notoriously known for interfering with the ability to sleep. Or, if you have to use a device, switch it to night mode where it turns down how much blue light your screen emits. Third, save the bed for sleeping and sex with your partner. The less we do in bed, the more the brain will associate it with sleeping, making it easier to actually get sleep. (How to Sleep Better, 2020)
Mindfulness—Breathing
Mindfulness and its various practices have endless benefits. But I want to talk specifically about breathing because it’s one of the most underrated stress management techniques. As we all know, we have to breathe in order to survive. But our breathing has a greater effect on our bodies than we sometimes realize. Our breathing has the ability to help calm the sympathetic nervous system (remember that fight, flight, freeze response?) by lowering our heart rate, relaxing our muscles, and helping us get back to our thinking brain.
Here is an easy breathing technique you can try, taught by LMFT Tammy Hill:
Close your eyes and sit comfortably
Inhale for three counts
Hold at the top for three counts
Exhale for three counts
Repeat as needed
Connect
“We are neurobiologically hardwired for connection with other people. In the absence of connection, love, and belonging, there is always suffering.”– Brené Brown, Netflix Special The Call to Courage
We are hardwired for connection, and that connection helps us to deal with our stress. We need other people to talk to, to vent to, to support, and to support us. Being around others and interacting with others helps to ease the stress of everyday life. When we feel we have people we can turn to, or know that we have people supporting us, we can get through difficult times because we know we are loved regardless of our personal successes or failures. While it may not be possible to connect with people in person right now, we can video chat, text, call, write letters, etc. to keep connected with others.
For me personally, it has been so hard to not have in-person interaction with people outside of my spouse. Yes, I have been able to video chat and text, but it’s not the same as sitting down with friends at a restaurant or participating in in-person church services. It feels isolating to sit behind a screen and not be able to give someone a hug or be there for them when it feels like everything is falling apart for them or to be able to celebrate a graduation or marriage. Just know that if you are struggling too, you are not alone.
Gratitude
Sometimes in the mounds of stress, it’s easy to forget that there is more to life than just getting our to-do list done. Being grateful doesn’t take a lot of time,. It can simply be saying, “Today I am grateful to be alive,” or “I’m grateful that I got out of bed today.” It can be sitting down at the end of the day and writing down three things you’re grateful for in a journal. These few moments may seem insignificant, but they can literally re-wire our brains. Research has found that people who keep a gratitude journal see a decline in perceived stress in as little as two weeks, meaning that when we are grateful we see things more as they truly are rather than just what we are stressed about (UC Davis Health, 2015). As we look for things to be grateful for, our perspective shifts and it makes it easier to cope with our day-to-day lives. So, right now, pause to write down three things you’re grateful for, send a text saying thank you to someone, and remember that life won’t always be like this!
Finally, when we are stressed, one of the most important things we can do is to remember to have compassion for ourselves. Often, we won’t get everything done that we would like to, and that’s okay! Some days we won’t get anything done because stress, mental health etc. require us to step back and take a do-nothing day to take care of ourselves. When those days and moments come, it’s imperative that we have compassion for ourselves. It’s okay to step back and say, “I’m struggling right now and so are others. I can be mindful of my emotions and acknowledge them without being consumed by them. I can be kind and understanding to myself regardless of whether I got everything done that I would have liked.” Self-compassion is a powerful principle! If you’d like to learn more about it, I would recommend checking this Ted Talk by self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff.
Don’t let your stress get the best of you. Take things a day at a time, don’t give up, and be kind to yourself. We’re all figuring this out, and we’ll make it through together!
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.
What is Grief?
Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
The “Stages” of Grief
There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.
Grieving
The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
Photo by J Waye Covington on Unsplash
Coping with Grief
Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
Seek support from friends and family members
Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
Write in a journal
Embrace your feelings
Take care of your physical health
Remind yourself that your grief is yours
(Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.
Emma Smith
