It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.
What is Grief?
Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
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The “Stages” of Grief
There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.
Grieving
The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
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Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
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Coping with Grief
Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
Seek support from friends and family members
Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
Write in a journal
Embrace your feelings
Take care of your physical health
Remind yourself that your grief is yours
(Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
