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One but Two: Maintaining Independence in Your Relationship
Cover photo by Joanna Nix-Walkup on Unsplash
Written by Allie Barnes
Correspondence by Haley Todd, MSW, CSW
This is part two of my May 9, 2020 article, “Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle,” which discussed emotional cycles for women, and how to better handle the low points during the cycle.
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In Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, author John Gray compared men to rubber bands, stating,
Men are like rubber bands. When they pull away, they can stretch only so far before they come springing back. A rubber band is the perfect metaphor to understand the male intimacy cycle. This cycle involves getting close, pulling away, and then getting close again. (98)
Gray continues by noting that “men instinctively feel this urge to pull away,” and that “it is not a decision or choice” (98).
There is undoubtedly some truth in this theory. Not only has Men Are From Mars sold millions of copies since it was published in 1992, but in a small informal poll I ran on Instagram, I found the following:
93% of respondents have noticed a pattern of their male partners (or themselves, if they are male) periodically needing distance or space.
When questioned about how often they or their male partner goes into their “cave”:
28% said every few months
22% said every few weeks
44% said they take a little time alone each day
6% had not noticed a pattern
While Gray’s rubber band theory is beneficial for the sake of awareness—both of oneself and one’s partner—I believe the theory itself is quite limiting. It incorrectly puts this cycle solely on men and fails to emphasize personal accountability for one’s response to this “urge.” I believe the healthier approach to this is recognizing the following two principles:
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It is healthy for both men and women to maintain a level of autonomy in their relationship.
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Each individual has the ability to choose how they respond to their feelings and needs.
I’d argue that men—as well as women—have the ability to grow in self-awareness, and can better handle how they respond to this “urge” to pull away. Recognizing, communicating, and encouraging autonomy for one another in a relationship can often bring a couple closer to one another as they feel this mutual support and trust. But the important thing is remembering that you are a companionship—the second you make that commitment to be together, you are together. That includes supporting and encouraging each other in caring for oneself.
Individuals can begin to recognize and become more self-aware about:
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The feelings, thoughts, stressors, and triggers that lead to feeling this “urge” to pull away, and
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What they need to do to recharge effectively.
Don’t know how exactly you need to recharge? Here are some ideas. See what resonates with you:
Meditate, mindlessly watch TV, exercise, quality time with friends (“girls night” or “guys night”), going on a walk, listening to a podcast, taking a nap, taking yourself out for dinner, taking a bath, having the house to yourself for a couple hours to get projects done, having an hour of uninterrupted time, gardening, shooting, going on a drive, game night, learning a new skill or hobby, joining a club, window shopping…
The list is endless. You could also step back into hobbies or interests you used to have as a teenager, young adult, or before you were in this relationship.
Research shows that “taking some time for yourself, socializing away from your spouse, and engaging with personal hobbies may facilitate the ability to retain a more independent identity within married and cohabiting relationships, which may encourage marital satisfaction” (Soulsby & Bennett, 2017). On the other hand, feeling a lack of personal identity in a relationship can also cause conflict to develop in the relationship. Both partners can support one another in taking time to recharge and reconnect with themselves.
When you can recognize when you need a break and what exactly you need to effectively recharge, you can communicate that effectively to your partner. Bustle published an excellent article entitled “How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship” which outlines some ways to kindly approach this conversation with your partner. In short, the author suggests the following:
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Pair the request with a future date
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Explain exactly why you need it
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Be willing to compromise
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Explain that it’s about recharging
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Take baby steps
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Keep your time apart balanced
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Be specific in what you’re requesting
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Explain how it will benefit the relationship
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Stress that you’re not trying to fix anything
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Highlight why it makes you happy
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Reconnect afterward
Definitely read the article for more of an explanation on any of those points. Not all of them will be needed in your specific situation, but the important thing is that you lovingly communicate your need to your partner, and be sure to reconnect afterward. Let the time apart help you better show up and connect to your partner.
It may be beneficial to schedule in regular alone time—daily, weekly, or monthly. This could help prevent sudden emotional crashes or withdrawals, and even inspire motivation knowing you have this set time each day/week/month to fill your own cup. Even a few minutes or an hour will be beneficial. This does not need to be a major wrench thrown in the schedule.
I spoke with my friend Haley Todd, MSW, CSW for her perspective on the matter. Thank you so much, Haley, for putting the final touches on this article:
As a practicing family therapist, I know first hand how crucial it is for partners to have autonomy. As mentioned previously, autonomy seems to be more of a traditional male trait as a wife cares for children and the home. While many people value these traditional roles it is vital that we find ways for each partner to have individuality. I see women who are trying to find individuality and autonomy on top of their other responsibilities leaving them exhausted and resentful towards their husbands.
I think both men and women are doing it wrong. A partnership means you work as a team. Typically when on a team each player or member works towards a common goal to win. As partners and families in teams, we need to work together to reach mutual goals. Whether that be happiness, future opportunities, or spiritual goals, among many others. We need to “pass the ball” so we can block for or protect other players, and do our part so that other players can succeed in their chosen roles. In a partnership, we need to communicate what these goals are and how we can support one another in them. All this in accordance with supporting self-care and individuality.
As partners find their individuality they tend to find who they are as a person. This process towards self-discovery is one of the biggest struggles I see among teens and adults of all ages, but it is crucial for our happiness, both as individuals, and in our relationships. As we discover the person we are or want to become we have less and less to escape from and our lives become more valuable and enjoyable. Some of the happiest people I see are team players who care about one another’s successes and are there to support when needed.
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For more articles about healthy communication, check out these other articles on Healthy Humans Project:
Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships
By McKay Strong, February 22, 2020
Let’s Talk: A Secret to Less Fighting and More Listening
By Rian Gordon, July 11, 2020
Six Aspects of a Healthy Relationship
By Aubrey-Dawn Palmer, April 5, 2017
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Consider creating intentional time for yourself. What does that look like now? What would you like it to look like? Begin the conversation with your partner. Invite them to consider the same for themselves.
References
Degges-White, S. (2018, March 21). “Alone Time” Keeps Relationships Healthy. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/lifetime-connections/201803/alone-time-keeps-relationships-healthy
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Komar, M. (2016, September 27). How To Ask For More Alone Time In A Relationship. Bustle. https://www.bustle.com/articles/184507-how-to-ask-for-more-alone-time-in-a-relationship-without-starting-a-fight
Soulsby, L. K., & Bennett, K. M. (2017). When Two Become One: Exploring Identity in Marriage and Cohabitation. Journal of Family Issues, 38(3), 358-380. https://doi.org/10.1177%2F0192513X15598547
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Riding the Waves and Embracing the Cycle
Written by Allie Barnes
If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.
How to Better Handle the Lows
The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.
Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care
In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace.
Physical Care
I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
Self-Care Debunked: Self-Indulgence is Not Self-Care! by Rachel Porter
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel by Reva Cook
Self-Care for Busy Humans by Rian Gordon
Self-Love Languages by Rian Gordon
Connect and Communicate
As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Want to learn more about this topic? Check out this past HHP article by Rian Gordon, “Don’t Worry, Be Happy (and Sad, and Mad, and Scared…).”
Consider what your waves look like. What cycles—emotional, physical, etc.—do you experience regularly? How can you prepare to better ride those waves?
References
Gray, H. (2017, February 16). Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-you-need-to-accept-your-partners-needs/
Gray, J. (1998). Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus: The classic guide to understanding the opposite sex. HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.
Premenstrual Syndrome. Office on Women’s Health. https://www.womenshealth.gov/menstrual-cycle/premenstrual-syndrome
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Becoming More Intentional About Daily Happiness
Written by Allie Barnes
Think of a great day you’ve had recently. What activities and tasks did you do that day? What made it great? Why did you enjoy your day, or feel fulfilled?
I did this exercise a couple years back and was surprised to find I could narrow my very good day down to three factors:
Creativity, Connection, and Movement.
I remember going for a run that morning. Later, in the middle of running errands, I had the thought to check in on a friend at work. We had a great conversation during her lunch break. Later in the day, I spent time on a creative project. By the time I was in bed that night, I felt fulfilled, satisfied, and whole. I had filled my cup.
While I encourage you to find your own components of a great day, I want to share more about mine–specifically tying them to research already found in articles on the Healthy Humans Project website. As you browse the articles that stand out to you, I encourage you to look at the “Related Articles” at the bottom of each page. As you start defining your own components of a great day, I encourage you to search for those topics on the sidebar. We have so many great resources here, and this is how I’m learning more about the things that I love!
Creativity
Creativity can mean a number of things–from singing in the car to writing in your journal to doodling, learning calligraphy, playing guitar, and more. I’ve always been creative, but as I’ve gotten out of the habit, I’ve had to be more intentional about making time to create. Right now, that looks like playing guitar on Sunday nights before bed. I also attended my first Paint Night recently, which destroyed my long-time limiting belief that I couldn’t paint! From the time I was a little, creativity has brought me so much joy. Research also shows that creativity can help manage stress, decrease symptoms of depression, and help individuals manage chronic illness, among obviously countless other benefits. A particular study a few years back examined the “relationships between creative activity, affect, and flourishing.” Researchers asked participants to keep a 13-day journal where they recorded their creativity throughout the day, how they were feeling at the end of the day, and if they felt like they were “flourishing.” Results showed that on days they practiced creativity, participants felt more “enthusiastic” and “energized.” Those results don’t surprise me at all.
For me, it’s well worth the time and effort to keep creativity in my life.
Here are some articles on Healthy Human Project that talk about the value of creativity in our lives:
Self-Care Isn’t Selfish! Why We All Need to Renew, Refresh and Refuel, by Reva Cook
Self-Care for Busy Humans, by Rian Gordon
Confessions of a Recovering Perfectionist, by Aubrey Hartshorn
The Antidote to Loneliness, by Mariah Ramage (this article also ties to my next factor…)
Connection
I recently moved to a new town and for the first time, knew no one around me. Despite chatting with friends from back home on the Marco Polo app every day, I still didn’t have anyone beside me, in person, supporting me through this hard transition. At one point, I realized it had been a week since I had hugged anyone, or had any physical contact–and physical contact is SO good for us. It took weeks until I finally started to connect with people in my new town–I just needed to find that right person to reach out to for help.
Healthy Humans Project is FILLED with wisdom on finding and strengthening our relationships, both platonic and intimate. Here are just a few articles about the power of connecting with others:
CommUNITY – Why It Matters, by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Top 5 Communication Skills for Forming Healthy Relationships, by McKay Strong
Afraid to Connect, by Dray Salcido
Utilizing a Support System is NOT a Sign of Weakness, by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Our Human Need for Physical Touch, by Elisabeth Gray
Movement
Exercising has saved my life, both by temporarily and regularly increasing endorphins in my brain, but also by giving me purpose–I have to be committed if I’m going to wake up for early morning runs with friends, or train for and complete races. In the article “For Depression and Anxiety, Running Is a Unique Therapy” on the Runner’s World website, additional benefits of being physically active are highlighted. They include creating momentum and physical energy, providing space to process thoughts and clear brain fog, and increasing the production of beneficial chemicals in the brain. Here are some articles on Healthy Humans Project that highlight the benefits of movement and spending time outside:
“I Can Learn To Swim” And Other Truths the Growth Mindset Taught Me, by Allie Barnes
Go Outside: Your Mental Health Depends On It, by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Three Essentials of Family Travel, by Shirley Anderson
The things that fill my cup may not be the things that fill your cup, but I hope my insights help you consider your own! Life is hard–and for every article about joy I’ve shared, I can share a billion more about grief, resiliency, and more. But it’s worth finding that joy in the everyday, and holding onto it. What are you going to do today to feel joy?
Find out what your favorite days are comprised of, and start doing more of those things every day. Be intentional about your happiness.
Bonus: Browse through Healthy Humans Project to learn more about the things that matter to you, the healthy habits you want to develop, and the topics you want to learn more about.
References
Conner, T. S., DeYoung, C. G., & Silvia, P. J. (2016). “Everyday creative activity as a path to flourishing.” The Journal of Positive Psychology, 13(2), as cited in Gregoire, C. (2016 December 2). Why Finding Time Each Day For Creativity Makes You Happier. Huffpost. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/creativity-happiness psychology_n_58419e0ce4b0c68e0480689a
Douglas, S. (2019 May 2). For Depression and Anxiety, Running Is a Unique Therapy. Runner’s World. https://www.runnersworld.com/health-injuries/a18807336/running-anxiety-depression/
Hopper, E. (2015 September 30). The Link Between Creativity and Happiness. HealthyPsych. https://healthypsych.com/the-link-between-creativity-and-happiness/
Manning-Schaffel, V. (2018 October 25). The Health Benefits of Hugging. NBC Better. https://www.nbcnews.com/better/pop-culture/health-benefits-hugging-ncna920751
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
Connect to the Past to Connect to Yourself
Written by Allie Barnes
For years I had felt a quiet impression that I needed to look into my family history. I’d do a bit here and there, filling in missing gaps and such on the family tree, but not much beyond that. I thought I was doing my part, thinking that as long as the names and dates are there, we’re good. The thing is, family history isn’t just about filling in gaps in a family tree—though that is a part of it.
The real joy for me came when I began reading my ancestors’ stories and really getting to know them. That’s how I first learned about Grace.
Grace is my great-great-grandmother on my mom’s side. She had four children with her husband, an engineer who designed and paved roads both in the United States and abroad. That’s the basic story, and what I had known before. But life is, of course, far more complex and far deeper than two sentences can describe. When I dove deeper into her story, it ended up changing my life.
According to second-hand accounts obtained from user-submitted stories on genealogy websites as well as some information from family members, Grace and her husband met as teenagers and she was smitten. Against her parents’ wishes, they married in 1909 when Grace was 18 years old.
Years later, shortly after their fourth child was born, her husband ended up in Utah, where he designed the roads that went through some of the National Parks in the state. While his family was back at home, her husband fell for a young woman (25 years his junior) who worked as a waitress and played in an orchestra associated with the national park. James left his family and ran off with this young woman, leaving Grace to raise their four children alone.
I immediately saw the connection to my own life and my relationships.
While I have never been married nor raised children alone, my experience with unhealthy relationships and betrayal trauma lead me to believe that Grace surely experienced a degree of both of those. Those are things I understand. And from those things, I can also assume that his betrayal and abandonment didn’t just happen overnight—there were surely red flags that led to them.
Was I continuing to ignore red flags in my own life, perpetuating this cycle of unhealthy relationships?
It was only after learning Grace’s story that I realized this is a generational issue in my family, and I have the power to break that cycle.
The Research
I thought that doing family history work benefited my deceased family members as I sought to remember and record their lives. I had no idea I would find myself in their stories, and that they would influence my own life in such a monumental way.
When interviewed by CNN, author A.J. Jacobs shared the benefits of teaching children (and I’d also add adults) about their family stories: “What children learn when they hear about their past— both the good and the bad… is primarily that they can chart their own course and don’t have to follow the path of what their less-than-stellar ancestors did. They also learn that they are part of something bigger than themselves.”
The article cited research to back this up: a study by Emory University found that “Family stories provide a sense of identity through time, and help children understand who they are in the world.”
Discovering this family story helped me feel part of something bigger than myself, and gave me a sense of identity greater than I had felt previously. Feeling that connection to my great grandmother through similar traumas helped me see my own strength, both in my trauma recovery and in my ability to change unhealthy relationship patterns in my life.
The Emory University study also found additional unexpected benefits of studying family history: Teens who learned more stories about their extended family showed “higher levels of emotional well-being, and also higher levels of identity achievement, even when controlling for general level of family functioning.”
In Ancestry.com’s 2014 global study of over 6,000 Ancestry users, 67% said that “knowing their family history has made them feel wiser as a person.” Additionally, 72% said it “helped them feel closer to older relatives.” (This study was cited in a blog by the New York Public Library entitled “20 Reasons Why You Should Write Your Family History,” which is also a great read). Learning about ancestors clearly has benefits that reach far beyond basic knowledge of the past.
How to Start
A few months ago, I read an idea on an Instagram account (I’m pretty sure it was on @thelisteningearproject, though I could be mistaken) to specifically ask all living grandparents, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” After recording their answers, you could then go and do those things in their place, sharing your memories with them. I decided to finally ask this question when I was home for the holidays this year. While I may not be able to actually complete the unfulfilled dreams of my grandparents (some answers included to go to nursing school, travel to Israel, and buy a horse and ride into the mountains), the prompt opened up new conversations and understanding of my grandparents’ lives. Even my parents were unaware of these parts of my grandparents’ lives. And hey, maybe someday I’ll go to Israel and share that experience with my grandma!
If you want to start asking family members questions and recording their answers (either by writing it down, or recording their voices, which will be so meaningful in and of itself), here is a great list of questions to start with.
Last year, the New York Times published a beautiful piece (“Why You Should Dig Up Your Family’s History — and How to Do It”) with a practical guide to getting started. Family Search also has a great article, “How Family Stories Shape Our Identities.” Head on over their website to learn more. You can also get a free Family Search account to fill in your family tree, connect it to others’ trees, and read/share family stories.
One of my favorite lines from the New York Times article is one I’d like to end this article with: “[Culture] comes from lived experience, traditions and stories passed down, from actual people who shape our perceptions of the world.” When we get past the names and dates, we can discover our family, and discover ourselves.
Option #1: Ask a living grandparent the question, “What is something you wish you had done when you were younger?” Record their answer.
Option #2: Create a free account on familysearch.org. Learn something new about your family tree.
References
Clark, B., & Kurylo, B. (2010, March 3). Children Benefit if They Know About Their Relatives, Study Finds. Retrieved from http://shared.web.emory.edu/emory/news/releases/2010/03/children-benefit-if-they-know-about-their-relatives-study-finds.html#.XhASY-jYqtp
Fivush, R., Duke, M., & Bohanek, J. G. (2010). “Do You Know…” The power of family history in adolescent identity and well-being. Journal of Family Life. Retrieved from https://ncph.org/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/The-power-of-family-history-in-adolescent-identity.pdf
Nigro, C. (2019, January 24). 20 Reasons Why You Should Write Your Family History. Retrieved from https://www.nypl.org/blog/2015/02/09/reasons-to-write-your-family-history
Saxena, J. (2019, February 4). Why You Should Dig Up Your Family’s History – and How to Do It. Retrieved from https://www.nytimes.com/2019/02/03/smarter-living/why-you-should-dig-up-your-familys-history-and-how-to-do-it.html
Wallace, K. (2015, June 3). How children benefit from learning their family history. Retrieved from https://www.cnn.com/2015/06/03/living/telling-kids-family-history-benefits-feat/index.html
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
3 Habits to Develop for Responding to Stressful Situations
Written by Allie Barnes
One day last fall, I was hanging out with a friend all day. We were driving around running errands and by the end of the day we were at HIS house in Salt Lake City but with MY car. HIS car was 40 minutes south at MY house in Provo. The plan was to drive back to my house together and he would drive his car home from there.
Forty minutes later we pulled into my driveway and he suddenly realized that he had left his car keys at his house—forty minutes north, where we had just come from.
“Dang it!” he said, as his head dropped back against the headrest. He was silent for a moment then said, “Just give me 10 seconds.” During those 10 seconds, he groaned and expressed anger and frustration—the most frustrated I had ever seen him. Then with an exhale he said, “Okay, let’s head back up.”
We turned up the music, took a detour to pick up desserts and sodas, and made the most of our trip back to Salt Lake City. And then, back down to Provo.
What was supposed to take 40 minutes took close to two hours, but we made the most of it. That night ended up being one of my favorite memories with him.
This friend of mine had been through some really hard things in his life and, as a result, had learned how to keep things in perspective. That included recognizing what things didn’t really matter in the long run, and knowing how to process them and move forward quickly. I’ve thought a lot since then about how to develop such skills, and here is what I’ve come up with:
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Give a Fudge About Less
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Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
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Account for the People Factor
Give a Fudge About Less
“The key to a good life is not giving a [fudge]* about more; it’s giving a [fudge] about less, giving a [fudge] about only what is true and immediate and important.” – Mark Manson, p. 5
*Sorry, Mark Manson— I edited your quote for this family-friendly audience.
I have to remind myself almost daily that most things really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Those car keys from the story earlier? Yes, it was frustrating, and it was perfectly healthy to get out that initial frustration. However, having to drive back home for a forgotten item really didn’t matter.
Think about your week so far. Can you think of a moment when you reacted poorly to a stressful situation? Notice your shoulders right now—are they high up by your ears, or rolled back and relaxed? Some stress is very understandable and valid, but I would guess that even the heaviest stressors aren’t worth holding onto like we (or I) often do.
We can approach stressful situations in a healthier way by moving from an impulsive reaction to a mindful response.
Go From “Reacting” to “Responding”
“It is normal to react and respond to our environment,” says Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More. “Reacting is part of life. It’s part of interacting, and it’s part of being alive and human. But we allow ourselves to get so upset, and so distracted. Little things, big things—anything—have the power to throw us off the track. And the way we respond after we react is frequently not in our best interests.”
This is where I’d pause and suggest that “reacting” and “responding” are two different things. I view “reacting” as that initial charge of emotions that Beattie is describing—becoming upset and distracted, focusing solely on that frustration. I view “responding” as what Beattie gets to in Step 4 below: handling the situation from a peaceful state of mind.
Beattie continues to share the internal chaos that can result—and become the norm—when we live in a constant state of “reacting”: “When we react we forfeit our personal, God-given power to think, feel, and behave in our best interests. We allow others to determine when we will be happy; when we will be peaceful; when we will be upset; and what we will say, do, think, and feel. We forfeit our right to feel peaceful at the whim of our environments. We are like a wisp of paper in a thunderstorm, blown about by every wind” (p. 66).
Beattie’s recommendations?
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Learn to recognize when you’re reacting to a stressor.
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Calm down.
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Analyze what really happened.
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Decide how to best handle the situation from this more peaceful state.
Handling the situation in a healthy, peaceful manner may mean letting things go that don’t really matter, apologizing, offering forgiveness, or remedying the situation in another way. In the car key situation, it meant processing and letting go of frustration, then making the best of the change of plans.
(Beattie expounds on these recommendations on pages 70-72 of her book Codependent No More).
How many things feel so heavy but don’t really need to? How many things will really matter 10 years from now? Using these steps to process situations will help you move from reacting to responding, and help you develop a more realistic perspective of the situations you encounter.
Account for the People Factor
Car keys are one thing, but oftentimes situations involving people we love can be much more tricky—and frustrating and painful—to get over. It’s not just feeling strong feelings about car keys—it’s feeling strong feelings about someone we care about.
The solution is in the problem: If we care about someone, we can choose to treat them in that way. This includes giving them the benefit of the doubt, forgiving more freely, and serving without thought of return. It still may not be easy, but it is a perspective worth applying. Remembering the care we feel toward someone not only heals that relationship, but develops the quality and character of our hearts.
Dr. C. Terry Warner, co-founder of the Arbinger Institute, expounds on this principle: “By seeing others suspiciously, accusingly, or fearfully, we become suspicious, accusing, or fearful ourselves. By no longer seeing them with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous. The kind of people we are cannot be separated from how we interpret the world around us…. Who we are is how we are in relation to others” (p. 41).
While many conflicts occur with the people we care about the most, we also experience conflicts with people who we may really not care about at all. In that case, I’d note that we each are still responsible for how we act and feel toward others. As Warner said, “By no longer seeing [ANYONE] with care, delight, and generosity, we ourselves cease to be caring, delighted, and generous.” It isn’t easy to feel that level of care toward everyone, but it is definitely a worthy goal to work toward.
While you’re in the middle of processing whatever situation you are in the middle of, just don’t forget the most important factor: people.Conclusion
It can be incredibly difficult to keep a realistic perspective in the middle of a stressful situation—to change from reacting to mindfully responding to a situation, and to put less energy toward things that really don’t matter. It’s a habit that I’m continually working on improving. So, let’s improve together.
I leave you with another of my favorite quotes, one that says it all so well:
“Some things matter, most things don’t. A few things last, but most things won’t.” – Neill F. Marriott
This week, we’re breaking a habit! Instead of “reacting” impulsively to difficult situations, practice pausing and “responding.” Print out this free download for some reminders to post around your home or workspace, or create your own reminder. (Free download photos by Gary Barnes; designed by the author).
References
Beattie, M. (1992). Codependent no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself. Center City, MN: Hazelden Foundation.
Manson, M. (2016). The subtle art of not giving a f*ck: A counterintuitive approach to living a good life. New York, NY: HarperCollins Publishers.
Marriott, N. F. (2017, November). Abiding in God and repairing the breach. Ensign.
Warner, T. C. (2001). Bonds that make us free: Healing our relationships, coming to ourselves. Harrisonburg, VA: The Arbinger Institute.
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