Written by Rian Gordon
The majority of what we have discussed here at the Healthy Humans Project has focused on what two people can do to strengthen their relationship as a whole. This week, I’d like to shift gears a little bit, and talk about something that I feel is incredibly important, regardless of whether or not you are in a relationship. I’m talking about what it means to feel good NAKED.
When we hear this phrase, my guess is that the majority of us immediately think about sex. While feeling good naked certainly contributes to our ability and capacity to have a healthy and happy physical relationship with our partner, I’d like to focus more on how the way we view our bodies impacts our ability and capacity to have a healthy and happy relationship with ourselves. Regardless of your relationship status, there will always be one person that you will be stuck with for your entire life: yourself! In order for us to be happy with someone else, we have to learn how to be happy with ourselves first. This can be something that our partner can help foster and grow, but the foundation of self-respect and self-love MUST be there in order for us to feel like a complete and whole person when we are in a relationship.
The issue of self-esteem and feeling good about our bodies has become more and more prevalent over time for both men and women. I think (and research supports this idea) that the biggest contributor to this issue is the increasingly pervasive presence of the media (Alfasi, 2019). We are constantly bombarded with messages about what our bodies should look like. Interestingly enough, however, what is often portrayed as being the ideal image only comes naturally to about 2% of the population. WHAT?! That means there are 98% of us that have to do at least some form of work if we want to look like the supermodels in Vogue. On top of that, the media frequently portrays that you can only have a happy fulfilling life if you look a certain way. They argue both in images and plot lines that only beautiful people can ever find true love, success, or a satisfying career. And anyone who has a more unique, or “non-traditional” look is often used as comedic relief, or as the side character who is there only to support the main character in their endeavors.
It is unsurprising with all of these messages (both obvious and more sneaky) that are constantly pressing themselves into our lives that so many of us struggle in having a healthy relationship with our bodies (Harper & Tiggeman, 2008)! In order to overcome the powerful influence of the media, we have to be incredibly intentional about the way that we think about, feel about, and treat our bodies. There are many different ways in which we can do this, but here are a few ideas that are supported by research, and that have worked for me personally.
Start Small
Issues with self-esteem and body image can often be deep-rooted and complicated. It is unfair for us to expect how we feel about ourselves to change dramatically overnight. One step that we can take towards being more comfortable with and liking ourselves is to start small – try finding just one thing that you genuinely like about yourself. This can be a physical feature, a personality trait, a talent that you have, etc. Think about the unique things that make you YOU. After you have found at least one thing, write it down, and put it up somewhere you can see it. You need to remind yourself every day of the reasons that you like yourself! After a week, add another item to your list. Continue adding as you discover more of what there is to love about you. The idea is that the more you focus on your positive traits, the more positive you will find.
Strive For HEALTH, Not A Specific Image
So much of the media and products that focus on our bodies are concerned with having the “perfect” body. We worry about having a flat stomach, getting rid of cellulite and love handles, and making sure our muscles have just the right amount of tone. The problem with this is that there are an infinite amount of different body-types out there! There is literally no one-size-fits-all when it comes to our bodies. Being healthy does NOT mean that you have to work out at the gym 5 hours every day, nor that you can only eat salad for the rest of your life. When you are striving to be healthy, balance is key! The goal is to feel good, which will help build up your confidence that you do indeed look good.
Right now, I am pregnant (and I mean REALLY pregnant…), and it has required a huge shift in the mentality I have about my body. I’ve always been curvier and a little soft around the edges. Let’s be honest, I LOVE food, and exercising isn’t my favorite thing in the world. I have certainly struggled at times with loving my curves, and with feeling beautiful. I think we all have felt this way before at least once in our life. However, over the years I have learned to love my body. Although it may not be the skinniest in the room, and it can’t do any sort of mildly intense physical activity without sweating like it’s in 110% humidity, there are so many things that my incredible body can do. I had a friend describe it as looking at “function over form”. Our bodies have the capacity for so much just by EXISTING, and that is beautiful!! Realizing this has been a huge game-changer in loving my very round, stretch-marked, and heavy body. My body has allowed me to grow another human. THAT IS AMAZING, AND THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. It may never look the same, but it will have allowed me to fill life and my heart with more love.
I understand that the capacity of our bodies are so very different. Some may not be able to have children, others may not even be able to run, or dance, or cartwheel. But everyBODY has the ability to influence others around them for good, and to bring light and love into someone’s life through a smile, a laugh, a kind word, simply by existing. THAT IS AMAZING, AND THAT IS BEAUTIFUL. Work to appreciate your body for what it can do, and allow yourself to find the beauty in what your unique shape and style brings to the table.
Feeling Good Naked Isn’t Just About Our Bodies
Finally, it’s essential to remember that loving ourselves isn’t just about our looks. I know it sounds cheesy, but in order to love who we are, we have to start from the inside out! The term “naked” doesn’t just mean that you aren’t wearing any clothes – it can also refer to being vulnerable and being seen for who we really are. You can’t hide when you are naked, and that includes what you are feeling and thinking on the inside. As we work to feel more confident and love ourselves, looking inside ourselves and loving who we are completely naked, both physically and emotionally, will get us much closer to having a healthy relationship with ourselves than if we were to simply focus on our looks.
References
http://www.positivelypresent.com/2015/09/the-best-self-love-resources.html – This is a great resource if you want some more ideas on how to love yourself!
Alfasi, Y. (2019). The grass is always greener on my friends’ profiles: The effect of Facebook social comparison on state self-esteem and depression. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 111–117. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.paid.2019.04.032
Fardouly, J., Diedrichs, P. C., Vartanian, L. R., & Halliwell, E. (2015). Social comparisons on social media: The impact of Facebook on young women’s body image concerns and mood. Body Image, 13, 38–45. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.bodyim.2014.12.002
Harper, B., & Tiggemann, M. (2008). The effect of thin ideal media images on women’s self-objectification, mood, and body image. Sex Roles: A Journal of Research, 58(9–10), 649–657. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s11199-007-9379-x
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
