Cover Photo by Anna Selle on Unsplash
Written by Rian Gordon
June is Pride Month, which means that many individuals are taking the opportunity to share their authentic selves with their family and friends. “Coming out,” or accepting and self-disclosing one’s own sexual identity, is a difficult journey that can bring with it many challenges. A loved one’s reaction to someone coming out can heavily impact the way the LGBTQ+ individual perceives themselves and their sexual identity. It can also make or break the relationship (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018). So what can you do to be supportive of a friend or family member who has trusted you with this vulnerable part of themselves?
1. Learn About the LGBTQ+ Community
Research has suggested that parents who are familiar with and have had previous exposure to LGBTQ+ culture are more likely to react in a positive way to a child coming out (Heatherington & Lavner, 2008). Whether or not someone close to you has recently come out, find ways to get to know this vibrant community! Pride Month is a great time to do this as there are often many different community events taking place. You can also look for opportunities to volunteer with LGBTQ+ youth through organizations such as Encircle or The Trevor Project. Or maybe you’d like to try watching a tv show that centers LGBTQ+ individuals such as Queer Eye or Pose. If you do have friends or loved ones that you know are part of the LGBTQ+ community, consider asking them what organizations or efforts they are passionate about and how you can get involved. Regardless of how you choose to interact, focus on appreciating individuals for who they are and understanding that they are people just like you.
2. Listen and Validate with Empathy
When someone you love self-discloses their sexual identity to you, the first thing you can do for this person is listen. Listen to their experience, and then try putting yourself in their shoes. Many LGBTQ+ individuals experience rejection and even abuse in coming out to friends and family (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018), so understand that this must have taken immense courage to tell you. Let them know how grateful you are that they would trust you with this information. Asking thoughtful questions or inviting them to share more of their experience or journey with you may also be appropriate depending on the situation and your relationship.
3. Show Love and Acceptance
What your loved one needs more than anything during this time is your love and acceptance. Understand that rejecting your loved one’s identity is likely to be perceived as a rejection of who they are, and “not just a criticism of something that they have done” (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018, p. 640). Assure them that they are important to you and that you will stand by them and be there for them no matter what. As time goes on, be sure that your actions reflect this sentiment and that you show up for your loved one.
4. Deal with Your Own Grief
A common experience that accompanies a loved one’s coming out (particularly when that loved one is a family member) is grief. This can be due to feeling like there is something you could have done to prevent their LGBTQ+ identity, fearing for their safety or well-being, and coming to terms with a dramatic shift in expectations for their future (Tobkes & Davidson, 2016). It is important to realize that, while these feelings are normal and valid, they are not the responsibility of your loved one who is coming out. Consider seeking professional help to assist you in managing these difficult feelings. You can also seek support from others who have gone through similar experiences (a great resource is the Mama Dragons organization).
5. Don’t Try to Change Them
Using psychological control by attempting to change a loved one’s sexual identity is associated with some of the most negative outcomes for LGBTQ+ individuals (Mills-Koonce et al., 2018). Lecturing about religious beliefs, insisting that they give the matter more time and thought, and asking whether or not they have tried to “not be queer” is NOT helpful, and can cause serious psychological and relational damage. Be aware of the fact that your loved one has most likely thought about this much more than you have. Typically, an LGBTQ+ person has heavily considered their identity for quite some time before feeling ready to come out (Pew Research Center, 2019). Do your best to honor their thought process and trust that they know who they are better than you do.
6. Avoid Tokenizing
It’s important to understand that the LGBTQ+ experience varies widely from identity to identity, and individual to individual. Just because you know other LGBTQ+ individuals does not mean that you understand your loved one’s unique experience. Focus on listening and learning about their journey, and avoid comparing them with others.
7. Be Respectful of Pronouns and Chosen Names
Pronouns and chosen names are important ways for an individual to assert and accept their sexual identity (University of Colorado Boulder, 2020). As such, respecting and correctly using the pronouns and names your loved one has identified for themself can be a valuable way to show them support and love. It can take practice to get used to referring to someone in a new way, so don’t hesitate to practice when you aren’t with your loved one. If you use an incorrect or old name/pronoun when referring to your loved one, don’t panic! Say thank you if someone has corrected you, use the correct name/pronoun, and move on. Making a bigger deal about your mistake can cause unnecessary discomfort for your loved one as they are placed in a position of having to comfort you and assert that “it’s alright” (University of Colorado Boulder, 2020).
8. Be Accepting of Current or Future Partners
Being warm and welcoming to your LGBTQ+ loved one’s friends and future romantic partners is an important way to demonstrate your love and support for them. Do what you can to make your home a safe and welcoming place for your loved one and those they associate with.
9. Remember: A Person’s Sexuality is Just a Piece of Who They Are
Who your loved one is at their core has not changed. In fact, now that they have shared this piece of themselves with you, they probably feel more free to be their authentic self than they ever have before! Continue to nurture your relationship with your loved one, and don’t hesitate to enjoy together what you have always enjoyed.
10. Hang a Pride Flag
Hanging a Pride flag during the month of June (or all year round!) is a simple and clear way to show your loved one that you love them and that you celebrate their identity. Consider doing some research on the different identity flags so that you can really help them feel seen. So what are you waiting for? Let that rainbow flag fly!
If you haven’t already done so, seek to learn more about the LGBTQ+ community this week. Look into different organizations mentioned in #1 above.
* Thank you to Sarah Morris for her invaluable insights on the subject of this article.
References
Heatherington, L., & Lavner, J. A. (2008). Coming to terms with coming out: Review and recommendations for family systems-focused research. Journal of Family Psychology, 22(3), 329–343. https://doi.org/10.1037/0893-3200.22.3.329
Mills-Koonce, W. R., Rehder, P. D., & McCurdy, A. L. (2018). The significance of parenting and parent-child relationships for sexual and gender minority adolescents. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 28(3), 637-649. https://doi.org/10.1111/jora.12404
Pew Research Center. (2019, December 31). Chapter 3: The Coming Out Experience. Pew Research Center’s Social & Demographic Trends Project. https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2013/06/13/chapter-3-the-coming-out-experience/.
Tobkes, J. L., & Davidson, W. C. (2016, December 23). Why Some Parents Experience a Child’s Coming Out as a Loss. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/ca/blog/when-your-child-is-gay/201612/why-some-parents-experience-childs-coming-out-loss.
University of Colorado Boulder. (2020, August 21). Pronouns. Center for Inclusion and Social Change. https://www.colorado.edu/cisc/resources/trans-queer/pronouns.
