Last year an acquaintance expressed a beautifully comforting sentiment: “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be ideal.” This person had been battling for over thirty years, what I have been battling for only three. He inspired me to learn to thrive within my pain rather than waiting to be happy.
Last week’s article addressed why happiness is not a viable goal, and how our lives can change when we replace a life goal of finding happiness for creating meaning. Today I want to provide some education on HOW to create meaning.
I have heard many people say that they don’t know where they are going in life. When we lose the things or people that bring us the most meaning in life, it can cause us to question everything. Some lose loved ones, fulfilling careers, are faced with infertility, serious medical illnesses, trauma or abuse. Our earth shatters and sometimes with it our sense of meaning. Some worry that they have never had a truly meaningful life and wonder where to even start. And some struggle to find meaning because mental illness or serious challenges cloud their view. They wait for the clouds to clear and the sun to come out before the meaning will present itself instead of learning to THRIVE WITHIN the storm.
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As Alan Watts put it, “There’s no point in going on living unless we make the supposition that the situation of life is optimal. And it makes you realize how great things are.”
Emily Esfahani Smith (a researcher and journalist) studies meaning. She has an awesome Ted Talk that you can listen to here, among many other great resources. She outlines 4 pillars for a meaningful life: belonging, purpose, transcendence and storytelling. I will briefly go over each, but I recommend looking into each pillar in more depth.
Belonging
Belonging is all about being valued for who you are intrinsically and valuing others equally. Remember that cultivating belonging is a choice (Smith, 2017). Belonging is not about having a whole group of people to run around with, or a ton of friends. “Belonging is being a part of something bigger than yourself, but it’s also the courage to stand alone and to belong to yourself above all else. …The opposite of belonging is fitting in because fitting in is assessing a group of people and thinking, who do I need to be….and changing who you are and true belonging never asks us to change who we are, it demands that we be who we are” (Howes & Brown, 2017). Lead with love to lift both yourself and others. Brené Brown described the ideal in an interview: “I belong everywhere I go no matter where it is or who I’m with, as long as I never betray myself. And the moment I become who you want me to be in order to fit in and make sure people like me is the moment I no longer belong anywhere” (Howes & Brown, 2017).
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Purpose
Finding your purpose is less about what you want and more about what you give. It is about more than just a job that makes you happy. It’s about using your strength to lift others. “Without something worthwhile to do, people flounder” (Smith, 2017). Increase the number of worthwhile things you do each day. This can be as simple as taking extra time to show affection to your partner or reading to your children. It can reach beyond you too – being more innovative to solve problems at work or home, volunteering in your community, learning something new that improves your sense of value, etc. (Barron & Barron, 2012).
Transcendence
Moments of transcendence are rare states when your sense of self dissipates and you can connect to a higher reality (Smith, 2017). Transcendence provides clarity of mind and soul, rejuvenation, and an expanse of one’s perspective. These moments can occur through art, religion, writing, music, dance, outdoor exploration, etc.
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Storytelling
Storytelling is increasing an awareness of the narrative of your life. Remember that you are the author. How are you editing your story? What do you want to change, and how do you use the previous chapters of your story to increase growth, purpose, healing and love? This can be about learning to thrive within the pain and struggle that life holds and doing something with it, instead of waiting for the moment when the storm will pass and we can be happy (Smith, 2017).
Try New Things
In addition to Smith’s four pillars, research demonstrates the importance of trying new things. In a recent (and very awesome) symposium I attended, Troy Faddis, LMFT shared with us, “Meaning is passion plus expertise plus your story” (Faddis, Barlow & Daley, 2018). So look inward. What are you passionate about? What is your story? What is your expertise? And when you add those up, you can find things that give you meaning. For example, I am passionate about helping others, learning and teaching. My expertise lies in family life, romantic relationships, and healthy sexuality. I have a complicated family life and my story is one of trauma, healing and adventure. When I blend the three, I see very obviously areas of my life in which I have created meaning: The Healthy Humans Project, volunteering as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, cultivating a beautiful home with my husband, etc.
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Life really doesn’t need to be perfect to be ideal. By creating meaning in our lives, we create a beautiful, ideal life worth living. We thrive within all of the pain and challenges that occur instead of putting our lives on hold and waiting for everything to be over. Because it will never be over. Life is about growth, and although moments and trials will pass, our journey towards becoming is a life-long one. So we ought to make something really beautiful out of all the loss and pain and struggle. Creating meaning out of the good and the bad makes it all worth it.
Write out the meaning equation discussed above (Meaning = Passion + Expertise + Story) within each of your roles. How does this equation look in your romantic relationship, as a parent, at work, and in your community?
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References
Barron, C., PhD, & Barron, A., MD. (2012). The creativity cure: A do-it-yourself guide to happiness. New York: Scribner.
Esfahani Smith, E. (2017, September 26). There’s more to life than being happy | Emily Esfahani Smith. Retrieved August 4, 2018, from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y9Trdafp83U
Faddis, T., LMFT, Barlow, R., & Daley, D., SUDC. (2018). Nine lifestyles habits that lead to recovery. In Wilderness Therapy Symposium. Park City, UT: Outdoor Behavioral Healthcare Council.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
