Love, Me, Mental Notes, Reaching Higher

Understanding What You Are Worthy Of

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Cover photo by Sindre Strøm from Pexels
Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
We generally talk about worthiness as being a process of earning – to become worthy is to achieve a certain standard of “goodness” in order to obtain certain rewards. There are rules that accompany worthiness. While striving to be better and to be worthy of great things is a wonderful thing, sometimes we over-apply rules of worthiness, deciding that we have to be worthy of love, of communicating with a higher power, of becoming successful, and of becoming whole. “Worthiness to receive love, compassion, and the rest is inherent in our being.” (Fishman, 2018)
Photo by Holly Mandarich on Unsplash

You are worthy of growth.

Many of us spend too much time being hypercritical of ourselves. We are aware of everything we didn’t get done and all of our flaws. We constantly “should” ourselves: “I should have said this”, “I should have been able to do that”, and so on.
“When we take it upon ourselves to pass self-judgment and simply declare, “I am not worthy,” we build a barrier to progress and erect blockades that prevent our moving forward. We are not being fair when we judge ourselves….Worthiness is a process. …Perhaps it is reasonable to conclude that personal measurement or judgment oftentimes may be severe and inaccurate. We may get bogged down as we try to understand and define worthiness. All of us are particularly aware of our shortcomings and weaknesses. Therefore, it is easy for us to feel that we are unworthy.” (Ashton, 1989)
All of us, regardless of what we have done or where we currently find ourselves, are worthy to be better, smarter, more talented, more kind, more whole, more healthy, than we were yesterday. We are all worthy of allowing ourselves to be more whole, regardless of what we have done, or what situation we currently find ourselves in.

You are worthy of love.

We are all worthy of love – of being loved, and biologically it is something we crave. To feel worthy of receiving love from others, we must also love ourselves and feel worthy of caring for ourselves. We can and have written pieces on self-love, so while I am going to move on, remember that self-care is crucial!
This is what we need to understand: We are responsible for putting effort into maintaining the relationships we value, and it is important to take ownership of our mistakes. That being said, we do not have to earn love from those who we care about. And we do not need to carry shame for our imperfections and feel that honest mistakes disqualify us from the love and compassion of others.
We all want to belong. But,“some individuals grow up feeling that love from their caregivers is conditional upon living up to certain expectations, and thus gaining love from their parents may come at a steep price. These perceptions of the conditionality of love may lead to feelings of unworthiness of love even later in life.” (Overup et al., 2013) Those struggling with self-doubt are often involved in less satisfying relationships. Sometimes when we doubt our worthiness of love, we are excessively cautious, and struggle to find or allow ourselves to feel security, even when behavioral realities are secure. (Murray, et al., 2003)
Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

You are worthy of security.

When I refer to security I mean a sense of security within our relationships. Because of our experiences in our family systems, romantic relationships, religious congregations, workplaces and in other environments, we carry with us unspoken rules about what it means to be worthy. Some of these rules may be appropriate, but some of these rules are often shame-based as well. “These rules do not govern only who is worthy of receiving our love. They govern how we view our own worthiness to receive.
These rules are generally not universal. Although some are cultural, most are specific to each of us as individuals. These rules are typically not conscious. You likely don’t walk around with a checklist. And yet, you know your rules. You know your rules because you’ve been living with these rules for as long as you’ve been alive. We learn early in life what we must do to earn love and affection from our parents. We learn what makes us worthy of receiving compassion and care, and what we must do to be worthy of respect.” (Fishman, 2018)

Understanding worthiness and spirituality

Worthiness generally has religious and spiritual connotations. For many who are religious, the goal is to be worthy enough to live in heaven, nirvana, paradise, or moksha. For many, there are certain rites, ceremonies, and/or behaviors or qualities that make us worthy to be in the presence of our higher power. This is certainly not incorrect, and understanding worthiness as a process of growth helps us to have patience with ourselves and achieve our spiritual goals. Having said that, sometimes we impose these standards for worthiness upon things which don’t need them.
For example, as I have researched “worthiness”, one thing that has frequently come up is that many question their worthiness to pray or communicate with their higher power. Many even question whether they are worthy of having a relationship with their higher power. The general consensus I can find across many religions is that while certain privileges require some level of worthiness, our ability to pray to or commune with our higher power is not contingent upon any level of worthiness. Regardless of our situation in life, we are worthy of love, and we are worthy of seeking divine guidance and help.
One Christian’s perspective was this, “So often we hear about what we are supposed to do for God. But the emphasis of the Bible is not so much on what we are supposed to do for God, but rather on what God has done for us. If we can get hold of that in our minds and hearts, it will change our outlook and actions. The more we understand of what God has done for us, the more we will want to do for Him.” (Laurie, 2020)
Photo by Yingchou Han on Unsplash

Final thoughts to redefine worthiness

As Brené Brown puts it, “You either walk into your story and own your truth, or you live outside of your story, hustling for worthiness. (Brown, 2015) As we become more wholehearted about who we are and what we want, and work to remove self-doubt, we rewrite our personal rules for worthiness. Interestingly, we feel more worthy when we own our stories and don’t try to push tough emotions and experiences out of our stories. Allowing ourselves to feel worthy of good things like, love, compassion, happiness, and healing takes time – because worthiness is a process of growth.
This week, practice owning your story. Practice being more intentional in affirming that you are worthy of good things.

References

Ashton, M. J. (1989). On Being Worthy. Ensign, 20-22.
Brown, B. (2017). Rising strong: How the ability to reset transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York: Random House.
Fishman, R. (2018, August 01). What Determines Our Worthiness to Receive?: Retrieved September 10, 2020, from https://mymeadowreport.com/reneefishman/2018/what-determines-our-worthiness/
Laurie, G. (2020) For Those Who Do Not Feel Worthy to Approach God in Prayer. Retrieved September 5, 2020, from https://www.oneplace.com/ministries/a-new-beginning/read/articles/for-those-who-do-not-feel-worthy-to-approach-god-in-prayer-15931.html
Mruk, C. J. (2013). Defining Self-Esteem as a Relationship between Competence and Worthiness: How a Two-Factor Approach Integrates the Cognitive and Affective Dimensions of Self-Esteem. Polish Psychological Bulletin, 44(2), 157-164. https://doi.org/10.2478/ppb-2013-0018
Murray, S. L., Holmes, J. G., Griffin, D. W., Bellavia, G., & Rose, P. (2001). The Mismeasure of Love: How Self-Doubt Contaminates Relationship Beliefs. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27(4), 423-436. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167201274004
Øverup, C. S., Brunson, J. A., Steers, M. N., & Acitelli, L. K. (2014). I know I have to earn your love: How the family environment shapes feelings of worthiness of love. International Journal of Adolescence and Youth, 22(1), 16-35. https://doi.org/10.1080/02673843.2013.868362

 

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples, Single Souls

4 Qualities You Should Look For in a Mate

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Written by Rian Gordon
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Sense of Self

Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together. 
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Photo from pexels.com

2. Empathy

Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).

3. Respects Boundaries

Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time. 
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Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash

4. Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.

But how can you REALLY tell?

These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Golden Rule

Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
Personal Practice 1It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development. 

References

Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8  
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Van Epp, J. (2008). How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind. New York: McGraw-Hill.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me

Self-Care for Busy Humans

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Written by Rian Gordon
For as many different ways as there are to self-care, there are just as many different excuses that people come up with for why they don’t self-care. The three most common that I have encountered are these:
  •  “I don’t need it, I’m doing fine.” If you are using this as an excuse to not self-care, then you either don’t understand what self-care is, or you are lying to yourself. Believe it or not, self-care is actually not just a want, it is a NEED. A lot of people misconstrue self-care for a general “treat yo’self” attitude where you just do whatever you want whenever you want. While treating yourself to something you love or crave can certainly be a part of self-care, that is not all that it means. Self-care is taking an active role in protecting, preserving, and improving one’s own health, well-being, and happiness (Lexico, 2019). It is what keeps us living, growing, and thriving. We ALL need self-care, even during the times in our life when we are doing well, so please don’t make the mistake of thinking it’s not for you!
  •  “I feel like I’m being selfish.” Friends, self-care is NOT selfish! When all we do is give constantly, it can leave us feeling drained and burned out. Self-care is what fills our cup so that we can then go on and give to others. Of course, it is important to find a balance between giving and receiving, and of course, anything good can be misused or extorted when pushed to an extreme. It’s important to discover that balance for yourself as an individual and to be true to your own needs and the needs of your loved ones.
  • “I just don’t have time!” Between work, school, kids, social life, housekeeping, etc., it can feel like there is never enough time to do what is required of us, much less to take time for self-care. This is the excuse that I most what to address today because it is one that I know many people struggle with and because there are really some easy fixes that can help us move past the time-crunches, and into caring for ourselves in healthy and important ways.
Here are a few research-supported suggestions I have to help you find time for self-care:
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Photo from pexels.com

Make your own time

This sounds impossible, but I promise it’s a lot simpler than you might think. For this suggestion, I want you to think specifically about your personal relationship with technology in your daily life. Did you know that the average human spends 41% of their time in front of a screen!? THAT’S MORE THAN WE SLEEP. If you currently believe that you do not have time for self-care, take just 2 or 3 days to track how much time you are spending in front of a screen – scrolling through social media, watching Netflix, reading the latest celeb gossip, etc. You can use an app, or keep track of it on paper. Next, consciously replace that screen-time with some intentional self-care. I can guarantee that you will find at least five minutes in your day to spend taking care of yourself. 
If you do this and are still struggling to find time to take care of you, here is what I suggest: practice self-care FIRST. This can be hard and feel selfish, but when you take the time to physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually care for yourself first, you may be surprised how much more energy and motivation you have to get done what else needs to be done. 
Note: For some people, scrolling through social media or watching Netflix is actually part of their self-care. That is okay! Just make sure you are being intentional about the time you are spending in front of a screen, and be sure that if you are including it in your self-care, it is actually renewing you. 

Self-care for different situations

While re-purposing unneeded screen-time can help you make more time for self-care, it can still be difficult to juggle everything that needs to get done throughout the day and carve out intentional time for nourishing, restoring, and reconnecting with yourself. The good news is, self-care doesn’t just mean spending an hour doing at-home yoga or meditation! It is possible to do some self-care at work, while parenting, while waiting in line at the grocery store, etc. Here are some things you can do in every-day situations to care for yourself:
  • Practice being mindful
  • Listen to music that inspires you
  • Go outside
  • Try doing some yoga at your desk (here’s a great video for that)
  • Eat a snack (something that nourishes you – you decide what this means)
  • Organize your physical space
  • Look for something new to learn
  • Stretch
  • Make an effort to talk with someone around you (connection can be so revitalizing!)
  • Laugh
  • Practice communicating your needs and setting healthy boundaries (with your children, co-workers, roommates, etc.)
Self-care looks different for everyone, so get creative with this one. What do YOU need to recharge? Think outside the box!
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Photo by Allie Smith on Unsplash

A little goes a long way

You don’t have to spend hours every day doing self-care in order to reap its many benefits. Taking even just 10 minutes a day to intentionally nourish, restore, and re-connect can help you find balance and a more whole and complete health in every aspect of your life. In particular, taking a little time to care for yourself will go a long way in your relationships. The more you work to fill your emotional/physical/mental/spiritual/etc. well, the more YOU there will be to give and share with those you love. The key is to find what forms of self-care are particularly relevant and effective for you. If you aren’t sure what those are, try some of the suggestions from “Self-Care Bully” Reva Cook at the tail end of her HHP guest post here. Start with just a little bit of personalized self-care a day, and watch your capacity for connection and giving increase ten-fold. 
I know that making time for yourself can be hard – especially in today’s world. But in order for you to not just survive, but THRIVE in your life and in your relationships, daily self-care is critical. So for all you busy humans out there, stop with the excuses! Make time for self-care because you (and everyone you love) are worth it. 
Personal Practice 1This week, replace 10 minutes a day of screen-time with self-care time.

References

Hurst, K. (2019, June 3). What Is Self-Care And Why Is Self-Care Important? Retrieved from http://www.thelawofattraction.com/self-care-tips/
Mills, J., Wand, T., & Fraser, J. A. (2018). Exploring the meaning and practice of self-care among palliative care nurses and doctors: a qualitative study. BMC palliative care, 17(1), 63. doi:10.1186/s12904-018-0318-0
(2019). Self-Care. Retrieved from http://www.wright.edu/student-affairs/health-and-wellness/counseling-and-wellness/workshops-and-self-help/self-care#references
(2019). self-care: Definition of self-care in English by Lexico Dictionaries. Retrieved from https://www.lexico.com/en/definition/self-care
Stockwell, Angie. (2017). Effectiveness of Self-Care in Reducing Symptoms of Secondary Traumatic Stress. Retrieved from Sophia, the St. Catherine University repository website: https://sophia.stkate.edu/msw_papers/797

 

 

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Love, Me

New Year, New YOU – Who Am I Really?

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Written by Allie Barnes
In the “Parks and Recreation” episode “Halloween Surprise” (S5 E5), character Ann Perkins shows up to a charity auction with a number of boxes of things to sell, each box with a different ex boyfriend’s name on it and very distinct items inside. Ann states:
“Recently, Leslie pointed out that sometimes when I date someone, I kind of adopt that person’s personality. The evidence is fairly damning. Chris Traeger: exercise phase. Andy Dwyer: my grunge phase. Tom Haverford: my needless shopping phase. Also, credit card debt phase.”
Ann had realized that she essentially becomes each of the guys she dates. While Ann’s situation may be a slight exaggeration, I can easily name my own ex boxes, containing items related to things like scuba diving, anime, kung fu movies, ultra running, Thai food, sports, what have you. Learning new things and acquiring new hobbies is never bad, but am I holding onto my own hobbies, pleasures and personality?
If you don’t have ex boxes, you may have other boxes: parenting boxes, work boxes, friend boxes, travel boxes, hardship boxes, etc. These boxes aren’t bad—they can be helpful, and are very normal! But are we taking time to connect to our core selves?
…Do we even know who our core selves are?
woman standing wearing black tank top during daytime
Photo by Timur Romanov on Unsplash
At the very core of who we each individually are, we find our values. Values, according to a recent article by clinical psychologist Steven C. Hayes, are “expressions of what you care about …profoundly inform what you pursue day to day, year to year. …They give life direction, help us persist through difficulties. They nudge us, invite us, and draw us forward. They provide constant soft encouragement.” 
Of values, author Mark Manson writes, “What are we choosing to give a [expletive] about? What values are we choosing to base our actions on? What metrics are we choosing to use to measure our life? And are those good choices—good values and good metrics?” Regardless of how you say it, choosing our values, and remembering and consciously living your values each and every day, can help you stay more connected to your core self, no matter what life brings.
You’ll then have one primary box: YOUR box with YOUR name on it.
My box has evolved over the years, but it currently looks something like this: I value physical activity—primarily running, hiking, and yoga—because they help me feel good physically and emotionally. I value creativity because creating things helps me feel happy and fulfilled. I value building a relationship with God through study and prayer because that relationship is steady, and brings me purpose and hope. I value serving others and being mindful of others because those acts help me feel closer to God.
It’s taken me years to define those values, and they will surely continue to evolve over time as I continue to grow as well, but there you have it: The Allie Box as of December 2018.
I love the “Love, Me” section on the Healthy Humans Project website. It’s all about refocusing our relationships with ourselves—remembering who we are at our core. These are things I want to remember as we begin the new year.

Personal Practice 1

Start the new year by writing your personal manifesto or mission statement. Declare your values and beliefs. Share your interests and passions. Take 5 minutes to write it all down, then refine it from there. Keep this file on your computer, or print it out and hang it somewhere you can read it often.

References

Halloween Surprise [Television series episode]. (2012, October 25). In Parks and Recreation. CBS.
Hayes, S. C., Ph.D. (2018, September 4). 10 Signs You Know What Matters. Retrieved December 28, 2018, from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/articles/201809/10-signs-you-know-what-matters
Manson, M. (2016). The subtle art of not giving a #@%: A counterintuitive approach to living a good life. New York: Harper, an imprint of HarperCollins.
Additional Recommended Reading:
Letting Go of Leo by Simi Botic
You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay
The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck by Mark Manson (*Okay, there is a lot of profanity in this book, but Manson offers some great insight on values!)
Daring Greatly by Brene Brown

 

 

Headshot 2020
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.

 

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Love, Me

The Power of Loving Yourself

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Written by McKay Strong

My name is McKay, and I am a self-proclaimed self-love enthusiast:

I spent approximately two decades of my life hating just about every piece of me, and that was two decades too many. I always focused on what others were doing better than me; I thought I wasn’t doing enough for the people in my life, but the reality was that I wasn’t doing enough for myself.
As we approach the winter holidays, we seem to be surrounded by choruses of “serve others” and “it’s all about giving, not receiving!” Everyone — myself included — seems to get bitten by the giving season bug, and I often have to remind myself that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
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Photo from @revelatori

Genuine, healthy self-esteem is powerful:

In the times when I struggled most to love myself, I tried my best to serve other people. I was taught at church and in school, after all, that it would make me feel better. But every time I took time to give, I ended up feeling even more empty inside than I had before. I began to resent service, and therefore, to resent myself. I should be doing more for my fellow man! And I should like it! Right?
Wrong. I was at a point in my mental and physical health where I literally could not give any more. I wasn’t meeting my own needs, and with a budding hatred for who I was and how poorly my life seemed to be going, I hit rock bottom.
Then I decided I had had enough. I looked around myself and began to rebuild. I wrote down the nice things that people said about me when I couldn’t think of anything nice to say about myself. I painstakingly wrote out body-positive quotes and covered my mirror in them. I focused on myself and my needs for once, and things started to get better.
“Cultivate the habit of checking how full your cup really is. You might be surprised by how low your reserves have gotten – far better to realize and remedy this now, than later.”
– Dr. Susan Biali
As I made the very conscious decision to change my view of myself, things throughout my life began to drastically improve. Now, I’m able to build closer relationships with those around me. I am able to recognize what friendships in my life are healthy, and how to maintain and grow those relationships. I have had more success in my career. I have increased my love of my God and built upon my relationship with Him. My positive view of myself has helped to bring positivity to every aspect of my life!
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Photo from pexels.com

The most important relationship:

One study by Cheng & Furnham (2003) found that high self-esteem was directly linked with happiness, whereas low self-esteem was directly linked with depression. These correlations with self-esteem were higher than with any other factor, such as personality traits, like extraversion, or even “aspects of life”, like romance (Cheng & Furnham, 2003). Simply put, how you feel about yourself greatly reflects onto your life as a whole, particularly when it comes to mental health, and your capacity to share yourself with others.
The truth is that the most significant relationship that you will have with someone on this earth is the relationship that you have with yourself. In society today – especially among women – we aren’t taught to put ourselves first. This desperately needs to change! Your needs are as important as another’s, even if it’s easy to forget. Loving yourself can bring light, strength, and love for others into your life. So many of my problems can be traced back to my battle with low self-esteem. I know that loving myself is something I’ll have to intentionally work towards my entire life, but I am working on it, and so can you. When all seems lost, research shows that having self-esteem can help you persist.

Personal Practice 1

Write down five things that you like about yourself. They can be physical or not, just whatever comes to mind easiest! If you honestly cannot think of five things, ask a friend. Physically write them down and put your list somewhere you can look at throughout the week to remind yourself of some of the reasons you’re great!

References

Baumeister, R. F., Campbell, J. D., Krueger, J. I., & Vohs, K. D. (2003). Does high self-esteem cause better performance, interpersonal success, happiness, or healthier lifestyles?. Psychological science in the public interest, 4(1), 1-44.
Cheng, H., & Furnham, A. (2003). Personality, self-esteem, and demographic predictions of happiness and depression. Personality and individual differences, 34(6), 921-942. http://dx.doi.org/10.1016/S0191-8869(02)00078-8
Leveto, J. A. (2020). Exploring the relationships between discrepancies in perceptions of emotional performance among college students on self-esteem and psychological distress. Current Psychology: A Journal for Diverse Perspectives on Diverse Psychological Issues, 39(5), 1661–1673. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s12144-018-9857-z
Mruk, C. J. (2006). Self-esteem research, theory, and practice: Toward a positive psychology of self-esteem. Springer Publishing Company.

 

 

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McKay Strong is from Texas. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. A super experienced wife of a year, McKay works full-time at a local nonprofit and has more side hustles than she should (she still doesn’t know what she’s doing with her life). She is a proud Ravenclaw and an even more proud cat mom. McKay is passionate about self-love, body positivity, healthy sexuality, and breaking the stigma against mental illnesses. Also, Harry Potter.
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