If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
Photo by Karl Fredrickson on Unsplash
But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
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For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.
How to Better Handle the Lows
The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.
Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care
In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
Photo by Motoki Tonn on Unsplash
According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace.
Physical Care
I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
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Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
Photo from piqsels.com
Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness, one in five U.S. adults will experience the effects of a mental illness in a given year (2020). That means, whether or not you are currently living with a mental illness, you most likely know someone who is! Speaking from experience, mental illness can feel lonely, isolating, and hopeless at times, so the more we can learn and rally together to support those who live with these conditions, the less alone we will all feel (remember, connection goes both ways!).
Here are five ways that you can support someone you love who is living with a mental illness:
1. Believe/validate them
Unless you have lived through it yourself, it can be difficult to understand what it’s like dealing with a mental illness. However, this does not mean that you cannot 1) believe that what someone is experiencing is very real and difficult for them, 2) have empathy for someone who is struggling. Being told, “it’s all in your head”, “can’t you just get over it?”, or “just try to look on the bright side”, is incredibly frustrating and disheartening, and can discourage someone from getting the help that they need in a very real way. As a skill, empathy requires us to feel with someone and to put ourselves in their shoes, even if we ourselves have not experienced what they have. And even though you may not have a diagnosable mental illness, chances are you have experienced a time when your mental health was not exactly where you would like it to be. When someone you love is struggling with their mental health, seek to have empathy, and let them know that you believe what they are experiencing, even if you don’t understand it perfectly.
2. Do not define them by their mental illness
I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder at the age of 20. A diagnosis was helpful for me because it gave me a name for what I had been experiencing my whole life. It increased my vocabulary for sharing with others what I was feeling, and helped me to receive the treatment and help that I needed to thrive with my particular illness. Research has shown, however, that diagnoses aren’t always particularly helpful for individuals, or for those who know/ work with/ or are even treating them. One research study found that labels such as “borderline personality disorder” or “schizophrenia” are particularly problematic because they can cause clinicians to develop assumptions about a patient that may or may not actually be true (Lam, Salkovskis, & Hogg, 2015).
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
While it is critical to look at diagnoses as windows into what someone may be experiencing rather than as an instruction manual that works the same for each diagnosed individual, I have found that general labels such as “broken”, or “damaged” are even more harmful than incorrect assumptions based on a diagnosis. Labels such as these can make the person dealing with the mental illness feel less-than, worthless, and beyond hope. As someone who deals with mental illness every day, I have always preferred to tell others that I am living with a mental illness rather than suffering from one. While mental illness can and does have a large impact on many aspects of an individual’s life, having one does not mean that it defines every moment of every day, much less who someone is as a person. Regardless of a diagnosis, you can learn to truly LIVE with a mental illness. Your life can be just as fulfilling, meaningful, and full of joy and connection as those who do not deal with this particular struggle. Unfairly labeling others or yourself in a way that limits your potential is not helpful, and is not something that we should practice in any capacity.
3. Ask open-ended questions
For centuries, fear and stigma have surrounded the topic of mental illness, and we are still living with the effects of this today. Many people worry that talking about someone’s mental illness is uncomfortable, taboo, shameful, or even that it may aggravate the issue (which research has shown is not actually the case) (Dazzi, Gribble, Wessely, & Fear, 2014). Different individuals will certainly have different preferences about how they like to discuss their own mental illness, but you can usually key in on many of these preferences just by getting to know them and observing how they talk about it in their everyday life. If you are unsure, the BEST way to learn about how you can support your loved one is by asking them how they would like to be supported!
When I first met my husband, Mark, I had just come home 14 months early from a service mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints due to severe anxiety and depression. I was on medication, in the middle of therapy, and still working on recovering from the experience. But one of the things that impressed me the most about Mark was that he was not afraid to ask thoughtful and respectful questions in order to better understand what I was going through! He asked things like, “How does that feel?”, “What do you like about therapy?”, and “What helps you feel most safe?” He would then listen carefully and respond in ways that were empathetic, understanding, and encouraging.
Photo by Kenan Buhic on Unsplash
Asking respectful, thoughtful, and kind open-ended questions is an excellent way to better understand your loved one dealing with a mental illness, and the more we talk about it, the more permission we give to others to talk about it.
4. Encourage them to ask for help
Personally, I believe that EVERYONE should seek out professional help for their mental health. Life is hard, and we all have struggles that could benefit from unbiased outside help! Many people do not share in this belief, however, since there is still a lot of societal and cultural stigma surrounding therapy, medication, and other forms of mental health treatment. One way that we can support our loved ones with mental illness is to normalize asking for help, both from professionals and from trustworthy friends and family members. Let your loved one know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not of weakness, and consider spending time researching with them local resources that can help them when they are struggling. If someone is suicidal or going to harm themself, don’t hesitate to call 9-1-1 and get immediate help.
5. Know your limits
It is NOT your job to solve your loved one’s mental health struggles. Setting healthy boundaries and limits for how you can help someone you love is an important way for you to stay healthy, and for them to be able to actually get the help they need. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t answer a phone call at 1 a.m. or rush over to hold a friend in the middle of a panic attack. Beating yourself up or holding yourself to unrealistic expectations is not good for YOUR mental health, and is not helpful for you or your loved one. Do what you can, seek to connect them with resources that CAN be there for them in those moments, and respect your own limits.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
In any situation where we are trying to support those we love and strengthen our connections with them, it’s important to remember that people usually just want to feel loved, heard, and understood. It’s the same with our loved ones who live with mental illness. The more we talk about mental health, the more we give each other permission to struggle, to ask for help, and to thrive even when the odds may seem against us.
Crisis Text Line: text HOME to 741741
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255
Option 1: Share about a personal mental health struggle on social media to let others know that they are not alone, and to fight the stigma against mental illness.
Option 2: Share a message of hope on social media for those who may be struggling with mental illness.
References
Dazzi, T., Gribble, R., Wessely, S., & Fear, N. T. (2014). Does asking about suicide and related behaviours induce suicidal ideation? What is the evidence? Psychological Medicine, 44(16), 3361–3363. doi: 10.1017/s0033291714001299
Lam, D. C. K., Salkovskis, P. M., & Hogg, L. I. (2015). ‘Judging a book by its cover’: An experimental study of the negative impact of a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder on clinicians’ judgements of uncomplicated panic disorder. British Journal of Clinical Psychology, 55(3), 253–268. https://doi.org/10.1111/bjc.12093
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Tension and faint smoke filled the air as my roommates and I hunched over our kitchen table, overwhelmed with homework. Midterms were coming up, and we had been too preoccupied with studying to hear the oven buzz on our chicken nuggets. Abruptly, my roommate slammed her pen onto the table.
“I am too stressed,” she huffed. “I am going outside to cry. I’m setting my alarm, and I’ll be back in three minutes because SELF-CARE.” As I watched her leave and took the burning nuggets from the oven, a thought crossed my mind: “Why would she practice self-care by crying? Isn’t self-care supposed to make people happy?”
Your version of self-care might look similar to mine: a giant bowl of rich chocolate ice cream and a Disney movie night. I have heard my friends use massages, pedicures, and shopping sprees as other examples of self-care. I have also seen my friends shrug and say, “You know, self-care” as they dive into a massive plate of nachos or level up in the latest smartphone video game.
I have found myself wondering: Is this truly self-care? When did self-care become synonymous with self-indulgence? If self-care is defined as “taking action to preserve or improve one’s own health” (as the Oxford dictionary states) we might re-examine whether our “self-care” choices are leading to better health or whether they might just be an attempt to make ourselves happy right now.
Photo by Drew Coffman on Unsplash
While the occasional bowl of ice cream and movie night can be part of a long-term strategy, it’s probably not our best “go-to” if used too often. Rather, self-care should stem from making choices relevant to long-term health and happiness, not simply short-term gratification.
Especially when stressed, we need to feed our body with sleep, fuel, and fulfillment, even if our immediate emotional response to a rough day is to forget all healthy practices in exchange for yummy treats and lazy pastimes. Chances are that mindless screen-scrolling, spending money, or indulging on junk food won’t quite do the trick in terms of replenishing our bodies or building our health. In fact, a Harvard study shows that regular physical activity and a healthy diet are factors that help add more than 10 years to your life (Li et al., 2018)!
Here are some simple ideas to cope with stressful situations that are healthier for the body and mind.
Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash
Care for Your Body
The way you care for your body will have direct effects on your health and happiness. Here are a few ideas of practices you might try to better care for yourself physically.
Watch what you eat. Although there is no single dietarypattern that will benefit everyone, our bodies do react to what we put inside them. Sugar can increase our energy levels but it burns out fast, which won’t be helpful if you’re looking ahead at a long day. Feeling stress during the day can drain your energy levels.
If you feel low on energy, you might want to add more nutritious fruits and veggies to your diet to stay full and fueled. Try buying a few fruits vegetables at the store, cut or divide them up, and distribute them into bags or containers that are perfect for grabbing at a moment’s notice. Experiment with healthy food options and recipes. Prepare a few healthy snack options. Listen to your body react to the food you put inside it and adjust accordingly.
Engage in exercise. You’ve blocked out time in your schedule for physical activity but find yourself dreading it and make excuses to skip it. We know that exercise can improve strength, sleep, and mood. It decreases weight and lowers the risk of various diseases. However, exercise can be a mentally challenging task, especially on the days when we are stressed out. So, find ways to make exercise a natural part of your routine can actually relieve that stress as you accomplish a healthy goal.
Photo by Kike Vega on Unsplash
For example, try doing your favorite exercise first. Research shows that if you begin workouts with your favorite exercises, you will look forward to working out and have a better overall experience (Ruby, Dunn, Perrino, Gillis, & Viel, 2011). Experiment with different exercises. Listen to your body and figure out which exercises you love. Then, plan out a routine that allows for low-energy routines for when you are stressed–plan on a good workout for when you have a little more mental and physical energy.
Stress Relief.You’ve had a hard day, come home from work with some frustrations that really can’t be resolved until tomorrow, but you know you need a little self-care and you do have an hour. Maybe begin by checking in with your body—what hurts? Tense shoulder muscles? Tired feet? Give them a little love. You might try a 10-minute yoga routine when you feel stiff, a stroll around the block to stretch your legs, or engage in a few prolonged toe touches when your backaches. Try soaking your feet in alternating hot and cold water or getting a foot massage to increase blood flow and reduce tension.
Care for Your Mind
Your brain is the powerhouse of the body and can greatly affect your health and happiness. Here are a few tips to care for your mind and add a little calm to your day.
Nap time! Did you know that napping is good for your brain? An Oxford study tested students’ memory after napping, cramming, or taking a mental break (Cousins, Wong, Raghunath, Look, & Chee, 2018). Students who took a complete mental break did not improve their memory for test materials at all. Students who took a nap or crammed for the test remembered a lot more, but a week later, only those who napped still remembered any of the material! Try setting aside some time to wind down and take a few 10-minute naps this week to assess how it affects your body.
Photo by Kinga Cichewicz on Unsplash
Inhale, exhale. If you don’t have time for a nap, at least try some deep breathing. Using deep breathing techniques improves the ability to manage stress in daily life (Perciavalle et al., 2016). Maybe try practicing mindfulness (Teper, Segal, & Inzlicht, 2013). Turn your attention inward until you become aware of your feelings, including negative ones. Next, accept those feelings as they are, even if they hurt. People who practice mindfulness feel more in control because they are aware of what is going on internally and they decide to be okay with that. Try practicing mindfulness and note how it affects your feelings of calm and control.
Cry me a river. Although I originally assumed that my roommate’s bout of tears was crazy, I learned later that she might actually be onto something. According to one investigation, both males and females generally experience a better mood after crying, especially if that crying is done in private (Becht, & Vingerhoets, 2002). Crying in private helps criers avoid self-consciousness or judgment from others and allows them to be authentic and let it out! Next time you feel your eyeballs welling up, try telling yourself that it is okay to cry once in a while. Find a space to be alone, let it leak, and see how the crying makes you feel.
Your body and your mind are incredible tools that serve your needs every day. Do yourself a favor and take care of them! Avoid ‘self-care’ practices that are empty of benefits. Instead, find the practices that will replenish your body and mind. Today, pick out a few habits that you can begin so that tomorrow (and every day after) your body and mind will thank you.
Identify a form of self-care that nourishes, restores, and connects you, and implement that practice into your week.
References
Becht, M. C., & Vingerhoets, A. J. J. M. (2002). Crying and Mood Change: a Cross-Cultural Study. Cognition and
Emotion, 16(1), 87-101.
Cousins, J. N., Wong, K. F., Raghunath, B. L., Look, C., & Chee, M. W. L. (2018, October 29). The long-term memory benefits of a daytime nap compared with cramming. Sleep, 42(1), https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/zsy207
Li, Y., Pan, A., Wang, D. D., Liu, X., Dhana, K., Franco, O. H., Kaptoge, S., Angelantonio, E. D., Stampfer, M., Willett, W. C., Hu, F. B. (2018, April 30). Impact of healthy lifestyle factors on life expectancies in the US population. Circulation, 138(4).
Perciavalle, V., Blandini, M., Fecarotta, P., Buscemi, A., Corrado, D. D., Bertolo, L., Fichera, F., & Coco, M. (2016, Dec 19). The role of deep breathing on stress. Neurological Science, 38(3), 451-458. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10072-016-2790-8
Rachael Porter is from Saratoga Springs, Utah. Rachael is currently a Family Life major with a minor in gerontology at BYU. She is the oldest of four kids and is married to her best friend Matt. She works as a TA for online family life classes at BYU. Rachael looks forward to graduating in December 2020 and having children afterward. She enjoys ice cream, traveling, friends, hiking, camping, plants, and movie nights.
Most of us have had disruptions occur in our normal every day or even weekly routines. You or your partner or even both may be working from home now, your kids may have had school canceled and you may not be able to do your regular grocery shopping because all the toilet paper or pasta is gone. #whydoyouneed5cases These changes to routines can be hard. Do the best that you can to stick to the routines that you had before they were interrupted. For example, if you get up in the morning and meditate keep doing that. Keeping the routines that we had can help ease the anxiety about what’s going on around us. While you probably can’t do your usual routine exactly the way you used to, practice flexibility, make adjustments, and if you have kids, help them adjust to changes in their everyday routines (Roe, 2020).
2. Feel and Validate
There’s a lot of emotions that come up during times of crisis and every person will experience different emotions. Don’t get me wrong, this can be frustrating because some people are so calm and collected while others are in full panic-mode #imapanicker. It’s okay to feel however you are feeling. We are all going to have to process and deal with the emotions that we are experiencing. It’s important that no matter what emotions you have, that they are validated. LCSW, Tiffany Roe suggests taking some time each day to write down how you are feeling whether it’s on an app or with paper and pencil. Then once you finish writing, tell yourself, “it’s okay how I am feeling,” and then move on to other things (Roe, 2020).
Photo by Jeremy Yap on Unsplash
3. Set Boundaries for Your Current Events Media Exposure
This is one that I personally struggle with, especially as a news junkie, but it’s taking a toll. The reality is, we need to put boundaries around what media we are consuming right now. There’s a lot of news outlets and sources that are spreading misinformation. Stick to reliable sources for news and updates about what is going on. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) is one of the best and most accurate sources for news updates about what is going on. They will also have some of the most reliable information with which to educate yourself. If you feel the need beyond the CDC to stay up to date about what’s going on, choose one news outlet and set a limit for how much time you spend watching or listening. It’s exhausting to see the news playing constantly and it takes an emotional toll, so please do your best to limit your media exposure. #keepcalmandturnoffthenews
4. Get Moving
Our bodies love to move! We’re designed to move and enjoy the movement that comes from our bodies. When you exercise, your brain releases chemicals like endorphins to help boost your mood and cope with the stress you’re experiencing. Plus, exercising helps increase circulation in your body and contributes to better overall health leading to a stronger immune system #nottodaycornonavirus (Harvard Health Publishing, 2014).
While you may not be able to go to the gym or your regular exercise classes, there are plenty of ways to get active at home. Turn on your favorite song and dance in your kitchen, get the whole family or your roommates involved and have a dance party. Hop onto YouTube and check out some free workout videos that you can do without the typical gym equipment. Dust off those video games that are active like Just Dance or Outdoor Adventure. If you have a yard, break out that Bocce ball set or even the baseball for some catch.
Photo by Youssef Naddam on Unsplash
5. Social Support
While you may be asked to socially distance ourselves from others, that doesn’t mean we need to cut ourselves off from social support. In fact, we need the social support more than ever. We are all going through this together and we all are dealing with emotions that can be hard to bear on our own. Check-in with your loved ones and those in your community. Technology has made this so easy. We can send a text or message through social media platforms, make a phone call or spend some time talking on FaceTime. Or, you could really venture outside the box by getting out the stationery to write some letters. It’s vital for mental health that we have social support even if it’s not in person. So don’t be afraid to reach out a little more, find someone with whom you can regularly check in to see how the other is doing. #introvertshavebeenpreparingforthiskindofsocializing
6. Use Social Media Intentionally
Social media is a great tool to help us connect to other people but it can also expose us to more news and information than we care to be exposed to right now. Rather than cutting yourself off from social media altogether, use your social media more intentionally. Share things on your feed that are positive and uplifting amidst the uncertainty. Share your favorite positive accounts to follow, and unfollow those who are toxic or just too much for you. A positive message can go a long way. Limit your social media time to what works for you individually. #dontcutitoffuseitbetter
Photo by Paul Hanaoka on Unsplash
7. Do something on your want-to-do list
What’s something that you’ve been wanting to do but just haven’t had the time for? Maybe it’s starting on your To-Read pile or binge-watching a show on Netflix or Disney+. Maybe it’s breaking out the quilting supplies or doing that yard work. Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath. Doing something on your want-to-do list can ultimately be a form of self-care. It shows that you are prioritizing your own needs and desires, and can help you relieve stress. Doing even just one of those things will help your mental health because you will have gotten to do something that you wanted to do rather than only what you have to do. #streamingservicesandtoiletpapermanufacturersmayruletheworld
8. Humor
If you haven’t noticed I’ve used random humorous hashtags throughout this post because humor is a great way to cope. Humor and laughing make serious situations feel a little less daunting and anxiety-provoking. \Watch a funny movie, find your favorite comedian and watch their routines, make jokes, post your favorite memes and comedy to social media. Humor is a great way to bring people together and to brighten someone’s day. #whatshumor #laugh
Photo from pexels.com
Other notes:
If you are still struggling to maintain your mental health, please seek out help. NAMI has provided a list of places that individuals can reach out to from home. Many therapists and counselors are doing online therapy to help people with their anxiety. You are never alone and there is help. We can get through this and there is hope! #wegotthis
Additionally, check out this link here for a list of mental health concerns and ways to cope with them. I have used this list and so have my family members, and it makes a difference – especially if you can’t afford therapy at this time.
Choose one of the items listed in this post to implement into your quarantine routine! 🙂
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
It hits when you expect it the least. It hits you walking past the baby aisle in the grocery store. It hits you driving past a cemetery. It hits when you look at photos. It hits you when a pregnancy announcement or engagement comes through on your social media feed. It hits you when the holidays come and you’re thousands of miles from family. It never really leaves, and it comes and goes.
What is Grief?
Grief is “the response to loss that contains thoughts, behaviors, emotions and physiological changes; if the loss is permanent so too is the grief, but it evolves and changes as a person adapts to the loss (The Center for Complicated Grief: Overview).” Grief, while including death, also includes any loss that one can experience. This includes losses such as miscarriage, infertility, graduating from school, relationships, moving somewhere new, and health complications, to name just a few.
Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
The “Stages” of Grief
There are no real set-in-stone stages of grief. Many of us have been taught the most well-known model of the Five Stages of Grief, however, research has gone on to show that putting grief into so-called stages can actually be incredibly damaging because not everyone will go through these specific stages. Compartmentalizing grief can create an idea of grieving wrong or incorrectly (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017). So rather than talking about stages of grief, I’m going to talk about various principles of grief drawn from these so-called stages in the next section.
Grieving
The most important thing to remember about grieving is that everyone grieves differently (Stroebe, Schut & Boerner, 2017).No two people will grieve in exactly the same way. It’s okay to grieve for things and people that others may not. It’s okay to grieve in the way that works for you. And remember while you are grieving to not compare the way you grieve to the way other people grieve.
Grief comes with a variety of different emotions. The most common emotions associated with grief are shock and disbelief, sadness, guilt, anger, and fear (Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019). These emotions are normal to feel with grief and sometimes will reappear at different points throughout grieving. Some people will experience all of these emotions, some may only experience a few, and that is okay because we all grieve differently.
Photo by Claudia Wolff on Unsplash
Grief can lead to questioning our belief-systems and understanding about life and the world. When a person dies we often ask questions like, “Why did this happen to them?” or, “Why not someone else?” or, “They were such a good person why did they have to die?” These questions are often based on ideas or belief systems such as the just-world hypothesis (the idea that when we are a good person we should only have good things happen to us). When these core beliefs are betrayed by mortality, they can be called into question, and that is OKAY. It’s okay to question and wonder why. Some will try to bargain with their higher power as part of their questioning. (Feldman, 2017)
Grief may eventually lead to acceptance. Grief helps us to come to the point of accepting both what happened and the emotions surrounding the loss as real and valid. There is no rush whatsoever to get to the point of acceptance (Feldman, 2017) and we shouldn’t feel the need to get there in a hurry.
The last point I want to make about grieving comes a little from research and from my own experience. Most people get through the hard, strong, initial grieving within about six months (DePaulo, 2019) but it’s okay if it takes longer. The initial grieving is hard and consuming but it does get easier. I say “gets easier” rather than “goes away”, because in my own life experiences I have found that grief ebbs and flows. Some days, grief shows right up and sits with me for a while. Other days it presents itself in small moments, and other days it’s virtually non-existent.
Photo by J Waye Covington on Unsplash
Coping with Grief
Just like dealing with mental illness or a physical ailment, we have to cope with grief to live our everyday lives. Here are some ideas to help with grief:
Seek support from friends and family members
Find comfort in your faith (this can be religion or spirituality in general)
Write in a journal
Embrace your feelings
Take care of your physical health
Remind yourself that your grief is yours
(Coping with Grief and Loss, 2019)
Final Thoughts
Grief is hard and it’s recurring. But it’s also an opportunity to deal with loss in the most human way possible. Grief at times may be consuming but it also provides an old friend as we go through loss throughout our life. Give yourself permission to grieve even if it’s from something from years ago in your past. It’s okay to grieve and it’s okay to re-grieve. And remember your grief is your own. Everyone will grieve differently and that’s beautiful.
Option #1: Share your thoughts about grief in your journal or on social media
Option #2: Share this post to help others learn more about grief
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., & Boerner, K. (2017). Cautioning Health-Care Professionals. OMEGA – Journal of Death and Dying, 74(4), 455–473. doi: 10.1177/0030222817691870
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
Consider what your waves look like. What cycles—emotional, physical, etc.—do you experience regularly? How can you prepare to better ride those waves?
Rachael Porter is from Saratoga Springs, Utah. Rachael is currently a Family Life major with a minor in gerontology at BYU. She is the oldest of four kids and is married to her best friend Matt. She works as a TA for online family life classes at BYU. Rachael looks forward to graduating in December 2020 and having children afterward. She enjoys ice cream, traveling, friends, hiking, camping, plants, and movie nights.
