I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.
The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen.
And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.
Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020).
For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.”
Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):
Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.
Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.
Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.
Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?
If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse.
The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex:
Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down.
Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs.
Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt.
Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential.
I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.
Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.
Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.
Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.
They say that the only two certainties in life are death and taxes. If I may be so bold, I’d like to add stress to that list. Regardless of wealth, gender, or race you will experience stress in life. Moving, losing a job, starting a new job, the birth of a baby, the death of a family member are just a few of the major family stressors experienced by most families. These stressors have also been compounded in the last year with the major stressor of a global pandemic as recorded in the Harris Poll conducted in February of 2021.
A representative sample of the US population reports that their stress has increased in a variety of categories in relation to the pandemic. Not only are people dealing with the expected stressors of life as mentioned previously, but they are more anxious to seek out health care, stressed about potential job loss and financial troubles, and experiencing weight gain (Harris Poll, 2021). People are struggling to cope with their stress in healthy ways. I know I have been, and it manifests in our relationships.
If I may, I would like to share a bit of my recent experience on the topic of relationship stress and what my husband and I have done to resolve it. In the past few months, my husband and I both quit our jobs, packed up our life, and moved to Texas for his graduate school. We were lucky enough to buy a home in Texas but as we know all too well, home ownership comes at a great price. In a matter of weeks, we found ourselves with a significantly reduced savings account and I found myself jobless and co-owner of a home in serious need of cleaning and repairs. We were stressed.
For a while, I ran full-tilt into DIY home renovating with my excess of spare time. My projects were incredibly rewarding and I was really enjoying myself. That was until we ran out of our allotted project money. No project money, no more projects. That was about two weeks ago and I started to sweat. The stress of my continued joblessness despite my countless applications was taking its toll on me and on my marriage.
A Different Way of Looking at Stress
Enter, the ABC-X model developed by Reuben Hill (Hill, 1949; Hill 1971; Peterson et al., 2013). While grasping for something to help myself personally and my marriage as a whole, I remembered the ABC-X model for family stress and decided to use the model to help me in my stressful situation. Let’s walk through it.
A represents the event or situation causing the stress, the stressor (Boss et al., 2002; Peterson et al., 2013; Paragamet et al., 2013). In my case, my whole situation of joblessness and no more projects to distract me from my predicament are my A. B represents the resources available to the family experiencing the stress (Peterson et al., 2013). For many, resources can include family, friends, education, or coping strategies. Really anything that helps and acts as a buffer to the stressor (A) is a resource (B).
This is where I began to apply the model; I took a step back and asked myself, “What resources do I have?” I took more time applying for even more jobs and, because I am religious, I began praying daily for help to find a job that would hire me. I also reached out to my husband and told him about some of the feelings of inadequacy and frustration that I was feeling because of my perceived lack of contribution. Viewing my husband as a resource rather than a person I was actively disappointing helped lessen the stress on our marriage because I became less avoidant and fearful of judgement around him.
C represents the family’s perception of the stressor (Peterson et al., 2013). If the family’s perception of the stressor is that it is insurmountable or unmanageable, then the family will likely crack under the pressure. If the family views the stressor as a growth opportunity or a short period of trial, then the family will ultimately strengthen. It was at that moment that I also realized that I had been viewing this period of joblessness and never ending and I had been catastrophizing the whole situation in my own head. If I remain jobless, we will never financially recover from buying this home and we will never have savings again and so on. I needed to change my perspective (C) in order to reduce my stress and change the outcome of it all on my relationship.
That brings us to X, which represents the level of stress (Peterson et al., 2013). The stressor (A), the available resources (B), and the perception of the situation (C) all affect the level or severity of stress (X) felt by the family. In my situation, I was feeling very stressed and like my husband was judging or blaming me for my joblessness despite my efforts. However, when I drew upon my resources, including my husband, and changed my perspective, my level of stress and the stress on our relationship decreased substantially.
Though not guaranteed to work in every situation, this simplistic view of the ABC-X model could help you or your family cope with stress as it did mine. Start by identifying the stressor (A) and your available resources (B) both within and outside of the relationship. Then examine your perspective (C) of the situation; is it accurate or realistic? From there, draw upon your available resources and work to change faulty or pessimistic perspectives. As you do so, you should feel a lowered level of stress in your life and relationship.
We cannot always remove stressors in our lives, but we can learn how to cope effectively and positively. Stressors do not have to crush us, they can instead strengthen us. It is a fact that fire burns wood but tempers, or hardens, steel. In a world of fire, are you made of wood or steel?
Practice using the ABC-X model in one of your relationships this week! Where are you currently experiencing stress? Identify the stressor, your resources for dealing with it, and your perception of the situation, and then evaluate how that impacts your stress level.
References
Boss, P., Bryant, C. M., & Mancini, J. A. (2002). Family Stress Management: A contextual approach (2nd ed.). SAGE.
Hill, R. (1949). Families under stress. Harper.
Hill, R. (1971). Families under stress; adjustment to the crises of war separation and reunion. Greenwood Press.
Pargament, K. I., Exline, J. J., Jones, J. W., Shafranske, E. P., & Walsh, F. (2013). In Apa Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and spirituality. essay, American Psychological Association.
Peterson, G. W., Bush, K. R., & Lavee, Y. (2013). In Handbook of marriage and the family. essay, Springer.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma recently graduated from Brigham Young University with a degree in Family Life and an emphasis in social work. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
In 1938, George Vaillant produced an unprecedented, monumental study on what brings happiness in life. Over the course of 70 years and with 800+ participants of men and women, his study analyzed every possible happiness variable from education and health to wealth and prominence. The final consensus? “Happiness equals love—full stop” (Vaillant, 2009). Perhaps this study simply emphasizes what we already know—beyond feeling rich, powerful, popular or even healthy, the most basic need we have is to feel loved. Romantic relationships provide a unique opportunity to know one another and to provide that need. As relational expert John Gottman put it, “Simply put, successful couples are attentive” (Fenske, et al. 2017).
Being an attentive couple usually comes easily in the first stages of dating, but if that love and attention is not cultivated and couples are not careful, when stress hits—and it always does—much of the love and affection couples once so easily gave can dissipate. A good question to ask yourself is, how can you continue to be attentive and affectionate even when the pressure mounts? Here are just three ways that can make a world of difference to you and your significant other.
1. Date night
Cliché, I know, but taking time to get away, just the two of you, is a huge statement. Date night is your time to say, “I see you. I care about you. You matter to me.” It can provide a much-needed break from the monotony of life and allow time to reconnect and stay current in each other’s lives. Research has shown that husbands and wives who engaged in couple time with their partners at least once a week were approximately 3.5 times more likely to report being “very happy” in their marriages, compared to those who enjoyed less quality time with their spouse. This practice must be allowed to continue for couples to thrive (Wilcox & Dew, 2012).
Photo provided by the author
2. Physical touch
As simple as it may sound, small simple gestures of affection can go a long way in a relationship. Small acts of physical affection—such as holding hands in public, giving back scratches, and tousling their hair—remind your partner that you are there, you are real, and that you have their back. It also shows the rest of the world that you claim them as your own. Obviously, the importance of physical intimacy cannot be overstated here—but often it’s the small gestures of love that keep the fire burning.
3. Communication
Take some time to talk every day. When couples spend long hours apart, the time they spend alone goes unknown unless they take the time to share about it. Your partner is your outlet, your confidant, your cheerleader, therapist and companion all wrapped into one. Talk about a gift! So take the time to be present with the one you love and connect on an emotional level. Communication is one of the most powerful tools in breaking down the wall between you two and allowing you to become one.
Think of all the time, attention, and conversation couples create during their first stages of dating. Knowing all the joy that stage of life can bring, it only makes sense that couples work to recreate those same intimate moments and work over a lifetime to help their partner feel loved.
Perhaps Susan Sarandon said it best in her classic movie Shall We Dance:
“We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet…I mean, what does one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things…all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness’” (Shall We Dance, 2004).
Choose at least one of the following to do this week:
Surprise your partner with a date night! Bonus points if you can base your activity on something they enjoy doing.
Give your partner a nice back massage. Maybe they’ll even return the favor!
Schedule some time to talk about your day. Ask your partner how they are really doing and make sure you put your phones away and make eye contact! You might find it’s one of the most enjoyable parts of your day.
References
Fenske, S. R. (2017). John M. Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Douglas Abrams, and Rachel Carlton Abrams. (2016). The Man’s Guide to Women: Scientifically Proven Secrets from the “Love Lab” About What Women Really Want. New York: Rodale, Inc. $22.99. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, 16(1), 77–78. https://doi.org/10.1080/15332691.2017.1270673
Shall We Dance? (2004) | ‘Witness to Your Life’ (HD) – Susan Sarandon, Richard Jenkins | MIRAMAX. (2016, April 13). [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1FfW5iTe61k
University of Virginia, & Brad Wilcox and Jeffrey Dew, U. (2012). The Date night Opportunity What Does Couple Time Tell Us About the Potential Value of Date Nights. University of Virginia. http://nationalmarriageproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/NMP-DateNight.pdf
Katrina Louise Voorhees is an undergraduate student at Brigham Young University where she studies relationships, family and art. She has a beautiful family and an outstanding extended family. She recently married her best friend, Paul Voorhees, who makes her laugh every day. Besides writing and romance she is also crazy about painting, singing, deep conversations, good books and ice cream.
In the year 2018, Americans purchased an astounding 17.3 million cars, making 2018 the fourth consecutive year that car sales exceeded 17 million (Lassa, 2018). In the years since 2014, over 68 million cars have been sold. With the population rounded down that still equals approximately 1 in 4 people trading in their old cars for new ones in the United States in only four years (U.S. and World Population Clock).
The purchases of a nation can give us a few hints as to the general attitudesand values of its members; the old adage “out with the old and in with the new” comes to mindwhen thinking of auto purchases. Those same attitudes are reflected in the state of the country’s marriages; the American Psychological Association reports that 40 to 50% of marriages end in divorce (Marriage and Divorce). In America we are seeing an increase in both cars being replaced and marriages ending when they could still be potentially salvageable.
In our society many are indicating they value marriage and have a goal to be married at some point (2019; Popenoe et al., 1996), but when these marriages occur many do not last as long as the couple may have hoped. Marriage, the foundation of the microsystem in Bronfenbrenner’s ecological model, is the smallest unit and an integral part of society. Just like any car crumbles with a poor engine, society crumbles with failing marriages and families. Not only are marriages and families the foundation of society, but they are also an opportunity for a joyful life; we need to build our marriages to last for the good of our society and for our own happiness. So how can we build our marriages to last and find this sometimes-illusive joy in marriage?
It is suggested by marriage and family scholars that there are three core dimensions to wholeness in marriage: 1) the spiritual dimension, 2) the emotional dimension, and 3) the physical dimension, and there is research to prove it (Busby et al., 2013). These three basic components, just as the cooling system, engine, and gasoline work together in harmony to keep a car engine running smoothly can bring numerous blessings to a marriage.
The first dimension, the spiritual, has shown some interesting results. Whether it is an organized religion, a quiet faith, or simply a spiritual mindfulness, the spiritual part of each of us affects our marriages and can create a big impact (David & Stafford, 2013). For those identifying with a particular faith; religious communication between partners is directly linked to marital quality, especially if the spouses share the same beliefs (David & Stafford, 2013). From a simply spiritual standpoint, increased mindfulness is linked to higher satisfaction in romantic relationships (McGill et al., 2016). Somehow, there is something about connecting and communing with the divine, whether that be Deity or the divinity within each of us that brings peace and harmony to our marital relationships.
A specific example for these claims has also been found in the form of prayer. Couples that prayed versus couples who did not found that prayer assisted in their conflict resolution processes by lessening their feelings of contempt, enmity, and hostility towards one another (Butler et al., 2002). This same study also showed that prayer increased couples’ productive focus on the relationship and helped them to understand one another on a deeper level (Butler et al., 2002).
The emotional dimension is present from the beginning of any relationship. Every day we experience a host of emotions and that is how we connect with people. The desire to connect with others has been referred to as the need to belong (Busby et al., 2013). From the time we are born, we innately reach out to others for help in fulfilling our needs. Infants cry to be fed or have another need fulfilled by their mother or caregiver. As we grow older, we cry out in other ways for help in fulfilling our emotional needs. As spouses help us in filling these needs, we learn to trust, rely, and confide in them, strengthening our emotional attachment (Butler et al., 2002). Mother Teresa once explained, “Love begins by taking care of the closest ones – the ones at home.” We can foster emotional attachment through taking care of our loved ones by helping fulfill their needs. This abiding trust and reliance is essential in marital relationships because it fosters love as well as the sense of belonging that we are all searching for.
Finally, the physical dimension. Physical intimacy is an exciting and fulfilling part of relationships and is particularly important for marital satisfaction. Research has shown that sexuality is so much more than sensations and an erotic experience, it is deeply connected to the spiritual and emotional dimensions and can be used to strengthen the relationship as a whole (Butler et al., 2002). While the way it is connected spiritually differs within each belief system, recent studies have shown that the most universally applicable connection is found in mindfulness. Mindfulness, or practicing mental focus on sensations and on one’s partner in a sexual experience, increases self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction (Leavitt et al., 2019). Self-esteem is strongly related to sexual satisfaction in romantic relationships. Struggles with self-esteem can come from a variety of different sources; poor self-image, lack of confidence or security in the relationship, poor body-image, etc. The lower the self-esteem, the lower the predicted sexual pleasure and arousal (Sanchez & Kiefer, 2007). If we can embrace how we feel about our physical appearance, how we feel about ourselves, and increase security in romantic relationships, our sexual experiences as couples will improve.
In addition to integrating the spiritual into the physical dimension with our spouses, we need to integrate emotional connection into our sexual experiences. Relationship researcher Dr. Sue Johnson put it this way, “The safer we feel emotionally, the more we can communicate, express our needs, play and explore our responses and relax into sexual feelings” (Johnson, 2008). When emotional security is present there is a heightened sense of eroticism and joy (Johnson, 2018). The more we respond to our spouses’ needs the more emotional security will be present in the relationship. The act of love-making itself can also strengthen marital relationships. Physiological research tells us that sex is a bonding activity, or in other words; when we are intimate with a spouse, we strengthen our bond with them (TED, 2015).
Most marriages begin with good intentions and start strong; they just need regular maintenance as cars do. Application of these principles can be simple; add an element of spirituality and discuss it; attend church, pray separately and together, meditate or connect spiritually in some way and talk about it together. Take the time to care for your spouse’s needs; being emotionally present and truly caring for one another through small acts of service, checking in with one another, or just spending real time together without distraction can greatly increase emotional connection. Let them know you are there and really be there. Be someone your spouse can rely on. Finally, be intentional about your sexual relationship and take the time to be present and connect emotionally with one another. Remove the distractions in your lives and be mindful of your own feelings and sensations as well as those of your spouse during the love-making process. Above all, explore these three elements of your relationship together and work together to strengthen the relationship as a whole.
Marriages need strengthening and simple steps can accomplish that goal. Just like a car, if you fill it with gas, check the coolant, and change the oil every few thousand miles, it will keep running and running without any need to go buy a new one. If we want a marriage to be “til death do us part”, it’s up to us to keep ours running through routine and careful maintenance.
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Busby, D. M., Carroll, J. S., & Leavitt, C. E. (2013). Sexual wholeness in marriage: An LDS perspective on integrating sexuality and spirituality in our marriages. United States: Publisher not identified.
Butler, M. H., Stout, J. A., & Gardner, B. C. (2002). Prayer as a conflict resolution ritual: Clinical implications of religious couples report of relationship softening, healing perspective, and change responsibility. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 30(1), 19–37. https://doi.org/ 10.1080/019261802753455624
David, P., & Stafford, L. (2013). A relational approach to religion and spirituality in marriage. Journal of Family Issues, 36(2), 232–249. https://doi.org/10.1177/0192513×13485922
Leavitt, C. E., Lefkowitz, E. S., & Waterman, E. A. (2019). The role of sexual mindfulness in sexual wellbeing, relational wellbeing, and self-esteem. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 45(6), 497-509. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2019.1572680
McGill, J., Alder-Baedaer, F., & Rodriguez, P. (2016). Mindfully in love: A meta-analysis of the association between mindfulness and relationship satisfaction. Journal of Human Sciences and Extension, 4(1), 89–101.
Popenoe, D., Elshtain, J. B., & Blankenhorn, D. (1996). Values, attitudes, and the state of American marriage. Promises to keep: decline and renewal of marriage in America. (pp. 28) Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield Publishers.
Sanchez, D. T., & Kiefer, A. K. (2007). Body concerns in and out of the bedroom: Implications for sexual pleasure and problems. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(6), 808–820. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-007-9205-0
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
Written by Katrina Hill of Brigham Young University
Part of being human is experiencing a full range of emotions- from elation to discouragement to frustration. Another part of the human experience is facing our own flaws and the flaws of others. Because no one is perfect and everyone has feelings, sometimes we clash and sometimes we get hurt. This can happen in marriages as well, because of how much time spouses spend together and how many joint decisions they make. Flare-ups occur, and conversations can sometimes take an angry turn. But is this always negative? What is the role of anger in marriage and can it be used constructively?
To address this question, it’s helpful to understand that anger’s biological purpose is to protect the wellbeing of the individual feeling it—not only physically, but also their emotional and psychological wellbeing.In order to fulfill that purpose, anger alerts the individual that something is wrong or not ideal in the relationship, and that it needs to be addressed and corrected (Butler et al., 2017).
Resisting the Urge to Attack
Anger is biologically a hostile emotion, so the natural response when we feel anger is to attack our partner, who has hurt or offended us in some way, in order to defend ourselves (Butler et al., 2017). This tendency can be problematic. Though there are several characteristics in couples that can be associated with divorce, well-respected marriage researcher, John Gottman identified one that is particularly damaging: contempt. Contempt is an angry response that shows hostility, disrespect, and meanness towards one’s partner (Lisitsa, 2018).
Gottman (1993) also clarified that couples expressing anger itself did not necessarily predict the end of the relationship—in other words, getting mad is not nearly as harmful as being mean. However, when we are angry, we often end up being mean too. Even so, as unnatural as it may feel, if we want our relationships to thrive, it is important to learn to express our anger without the hostility and attacking.
What’s the big deal about expressing anger the right way? Even if couples are never extremely mean and contemptuous, consistent patterns of expressing anger negatively still affect marital happiness. Responding to negativity with more negativity (e.g., sarcasm), makes it harder for either partner stop to respond and to repair hurt feelings. Increased physiological arousal during conflict, including higher blood pressure and adrenaline hormone levels, has also resulted in increased marital unhappiness (Gottman, 1998). This means that more conflict-derived, anger-caused physiological stress leads to unhappier marriages.
Anger in its raw, unchecked form can ravage like a wildfire and leave destruction in its wake. In contrast, anger in its constructive form is like a flame from a candle— it can illuminate our inner, more vulnerable feelings and light the way to healing, empathy, accountability, and change. It is still fire, but it is very different from the kind of fire that can burn down all that we hold dear. This concept of constructive anger has been described as “. . .authenticity with kindness. . .affirmative and assertive, yet remarkably softened” (Meloy-Miller et al., 2018, p. 44).
When our partner angers us, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to firmly yet kindly express how we feel about what they did and what we’d like to see change. If feelings are heard and changes made, the expression of anger actually helps couples grow closer and improve as individuals (Butler et al., 2017). On the other hand, if a serious offense has occurred and the hurt partner does not express their feelings or invite the offending partner to be accountable—the relationship can stagnate.
In order to express constructive anger, we have to choose honesty over hostility. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of using honesty as an excuse to be mean and put our partner down (Fremont-Smith, 2020).We can easily say that we are being honest when we are being mean to our partner. That’s how we feel, isn’t it, so why not say it like it is?
In reality, honesty requires us to take a moment to cool down and identify what is going on deeper inside us (Fremont-Smith, 2020; Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).Why is there anger arising, or in other words, what more sensitive feelings are we instinctively trying to protect? Is a part of us feeling hurt, let down, embarrassed, sad, scared, lonely, unworthy or disrespected? Remember, anger is biologically designed to protect us (Butler et al., 2017), so it often arises to cocoon something vulnerable, like an animal instinctively protecting her young.Though it may feel difficult, identifying and expressing those vulnerable feelings to our partner is a key step in expressing anger in a constructive way.
We also have to be willing to let our partner know what they did to elicit the anger and other more vulnerable feelings. The goal of this step is to encourage accountability, not to blame, which leads to defensiveness (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012). It may be easier to lash out rather than to be open about our thoughts and feelings, but getting vicious in self-defense makes the situation worse (Gottman, 1998).
Work Together Towards Change
When we experience anger it often brings to light changes that need to be made in our relationship. Therefore, another key step is a request or invitation to our partner to change or to participate in discussing possible adjustments (Fremont-Smith, 2020). While compromise is the goal, sometimes our partner may not be willing to make changes, which can lead to major relational consequences depending on the seriousness of the issue (Butler et al., 2017). Even if this is the case, expressing constructive anger still helps us reduce rumination, stress, and desires to retaliate (Butler et al., 2017).
When we express constructive anger, it may be helpful to include affirmations of both our own and our partners’ worth. This helps both partners remember that they did not deserve to be hurt, and that their partner who hurt/offended them is a person of value who does not deserve to be belittled (Butler et al., 2017; Meloy-Miller et al, 2018).
Let’s take two examples. Imagine for a moment that you walk in on a couple in the middle of a heated argument:
“Do you even know how a budget works, or is our situation just a joke to you? I have been trying so hard to follow it, and then you come in and blow all it all on who knows what!”
“Yeah, blame me, because I’m the one who got into all that debt before we met! You know what, now you know exactly how I felt when I found that out!”
Now let’s hear an exchange about the same issue, but with the first partner expressing his or her anger constructively, incorporating the four key elements listed above.
“Hey, honey, I noticed today that you’ve been spending way more money than we agreed on. I’m pretty disappointed that you disregarded our budget, and I’m scared that if you do this more, we’ll go into more debt. I’m grateful for you in so many ways and I’m glad we’re in this together, however, I don’t deserve and frankly can’t handle being put through this kind of stress. Can we talk about what happened and how we can keep it from happening again?”
“Oh, yeah, about that. . . I thought it would be worth it at the time, but then I regretted it. I’ve been struggling emotionally the last several days. . . I guess that’s just what I did to cope. I’ve been too embarrassed to say anything. . . I’m sorry.”
The partner expressing anger has not in any way shied away from the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, but they have refrained from being mean. In fact, they were kind. And now, not only are the financial issues being addressed, but the other partner’s needs can also be addressed, whereas otherwise they might not have been (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).
Though we may often want to make it clear to our partner that we are upset at them by making jabs at them, a more effective approach is to plainly yet gently tell them how we feel and ask for change. Love may be a battlefield, but whether couples fight alongside or against each other depends in part on how they understand and express anger in their partnership.
Start small by focusing on the first step of identifying your anger. This week, in a time when you feel angry, pause, and say out loud, “I am angry right now.” Try to identify two other emotions that you are also feeling (because anger is more of a secondary emotion, it is likely that you are experiencing other “softer” feelings such as sadness or fear simultaneously). Then, take ten deep breaths. Practicing labeling your feelings will make it easier to express them to your partner.
References
Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835.https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: Clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotionfocused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x
Katrina Hill is a senior at Brigham Young University studying Family Life. She is from Sacramento, California and loves being the older sister to her two awesome brothers. She loves music and has been playing the piano since she was six. She also loves learning, laughing, helping people, and trying to become better. After Katrina graduates from BYU in April, she hopes to pursue a masters degree in Social Work.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and 
Emma Smith
Katrina Louise Voorhees 
Choose one of the three core dimensions of marriage (spiritual, emotional, or physical) to tune up this week.
Emma Smith is from San Diego, California. Emma is currently a Family Life major with an emphasis in social work at BYU. She met her best friend and husband Dallin at BYU her first semester home from her mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. She enjoys horseback riding, swimming, reading, painting, and anything outdoors. In everything she does, she has one goal: to help others.
