“So will you be going back to work after the baby comes?” I can’t tell you how many times I got this question while my husband and I were expecting the birth of our little boy. I had recently graduated with my Bachelor’s degree, and I was working full-time as a data entry specialist – a job that I enjoyed, but certainly not my dream career. We had gone over our budget and figured out that we would be okay to live on my husband’s income alone, but I still wasn’t sure whether or not I wanted to work exclusively as a stay-at-home mom (because it’s more than a full-time job, believe me), or if I wanted to try and tackle working outside the home as well.
Before I tell you what my husband and I decided for our family, let’s take a look at what some of the research says about being a stay-at-home mom.
Mommas in the Workforce
According to the U.S. Department of Labor’s most recent Bureau of Labor Statistics News Release, “the percent of the population working or looking for work—for all women with children under age 18 was 71.1% in 2017” (that’s up 0.6% from 2016, and compared with 92.8% of all fathers). That’s a lot of moms! However, stay-at-home motherhood is also seemingly on the rise, with 29% of mothers now staying home with children (a sharp increase from 23% in 1999).
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Stay-at-home motherhood and working motherhood are often pitted against each other in highly emotionally-charged conversations. Because motherhood is something that is very dear to the hearts of many, and because it is not just a practical issue, but a cultural and gender issue as well, people often feel very strongly about whether moms should be in the home. While approximately 70% of Americans believe that a working mother “can establish just as warm and secure a relationship with her children” as a stay-at-home mom, 60% also think that having a mother (or parent) at home is what is best for children.
For the Kids
The research seems to agree with that 60%, since having at least one parent in the home has shown positive outcomes for both younger and older kids. For young children, developing healthy attachment to a parent or caregiver (most commonly the mother) is particularly essential to a child’s well-being and development. While work doesn’t necessarily interfere with a mother’s capability to develop a healthy attachment with her child, time in the home can certainly give a child more opportunity to have those interactions necessary to develop a healthy attachment. As for older children, having a parent at home has been shown to have an affect on school performance. In this particular study in Norway, kids with a stay-at-home parent had higher GPA’s than those who were placed in daycare. Though the differences in GPA may seem small, their statistical significance shows that having a parent at home does actually make a difference for kids.
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The Daycare Dilemma
Like stay-at-home motherhood, there are plenty of strong opinions out there about what role daycare should (or shouldn’t) play in children’s lives. Over the years, research on daycare has shown a variety of results, mostly due to the wide variety of daycare options out there. The most current research, however, has shown that there are two major factors for the effects that daycare can potentially have on a child:
#1 – Quality of Daycare – Whether or not a daycare is considered to be “high quality” (at least as far as research goes) is usually determined by both environmental factors (caregiver-child ratio, group size, noise level, caregiver education, etc.) and child-caregiver relationship factors (caregiver sensitivity, responsiveness, warmth, etc.). The quality of a daycare has consistently shown to be a determining factor in how the child is affected by significant amounts of time away from parents.
#2 – Home Environment – Most children, whether or not they consistently attend daycare, still spend a significant amount of time at home. What that time at home looks like, regardless of the actual amount, can have a significant effect on a child’s well-being. Research has shown that, “important home environment predictors of development are parents’ education, family income and structure, mothers’ psychological adjustment and sensitivity, and the social and cognitive quality of the home environment.” Furthermore, maternal sensitivity is one of the strongest predictors of parent-child attachment – for both kids who attend daycare, and kids who don’t.
Moms, Jobs, and Mental Health
Because a mother’s mental health is important to the health of her children, understanding the relationship between work and mom’s mental health is to our advantage. However, research has found that the connection between a mom’s choice to work and her mental health is not as straightforward as some might assume. An interesting 2012 study by Holmes, Erickson, and Hill, compared the mental and emotional health of stay-at-home and working mothers, while also taking into account their work preference (whether or not they wanted to be working outside the home). What they found was that poor mental health (specifically depression) was not so much predicted by a mother’s job status — instead, what mattered was whether or not there was a discrepancy between what the mom wanted to be doing, and what she was actually doing. If she wanted to be at home but was forced to work, or on the other hand, if she wanted to work but had to stay home, depression was more likely.
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Taking it one step further, another study that examined similar factors found that employment isn’t always necessarily “good” or “bad” for a women’s mental health. A lot actually depends on the quality of the job, and this can sometimes even overpower a woman’s preference. “Mothers employed in low-quality jobs face a heightened risk of depression even when they do want to work for pay. But interestingly, mothers employed in high-quality jobs face a low risk of depression even if they do NOT want to work for pay.”
“It Takes a Village”
It seems that the optimal option here is to align your work or home life as closely as possible with your personal preferences and desires. While this is what would be ideal for your mental health, it certainly isn’t an option for every mom out there. Finances, health issues, divorce, and myriad other extenuating circumstances prevent many parents from living their idealized balance between home and work. When this is the case, all hope is not lost! This would be an optimal time to remember the old adage, “it takes a village to raise a child.” Whether or not your life as a mom lines up perfectly with your personal ideal, it is to your (and your child’s) advantage to use your own village. Social support is essential in the life of any mom, and research has shown that it even acts as a buffer for parenting stress (Holmes, Erickson, & Hill, 2012). Furthermore, having a strong social support system has actually been shown to improve a parent’s parenting style (increasing both parental warmth, and parental monitoring), and a child’s future social skills. Family, friends, spouses, neighbors, therapists, doctors, and even sometimes complete strangers can all assist you in making your own parenting journey a success. Take advantage of your village!
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My Choice and Your Choice
After about 3 months of adjusting to motherhood, I decided that I wanted to try applying for a work-from-home job; allowing me to still devote the majority of my time and focus to my son, but at the same time giving me a way to pursue my personal passions and have a mental break from my time as a mom. My husband has been incredibly supportive of my desire to work, which has been extra helpful when it gets particularly difficult to juggle my various roles both in and outside of the home.
Deciding whether or not to stay at home or return to work after you have a baby (or even later on as kids get older) is an incredibly personal decision, and is an important decision that can have an effect both on you and your child’s well-being. I recommend in order to help you make a more informed decision, do some of your own research! Make a pros and cons list of the things that are most important to you and your spouse. Talk about it together. Remember that having a balanced life is the best way to ensure your and your family’s happiness. As you make the choice to create a life for you and your family, find what works for you, and don’t worry about whether that looks the same as it does for everyone else.
Have a conversation with your partner or spouse about about your personal work and family goals. What are your hopes? Your expectations? Be sure to be open and honest with one another.
Holmes, E. K., Erickson, J. J., & Hill, E. J. (2012). Doing what she thinks is best: Maternal psychological wellbeing and attaining desired work situations. Human Relations, 65(4), 501–522. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0018726711431351
Taylor, Z. E., Conger, R. D., Robins, R. W., & Widaman, K. F. (2015). Parenting practices and perceived social support: Longitudinal relations with the social competence of Mexican-origin children. Journal of Latina/o Psychology, 3(4), 193–208. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/lat0000038
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
In a world filled with media, it can be easy to feel overwhelmed. There are so many options for what to watch, listen to, or read, and technology allows for so many different ways to access those options. Media and technology are also constantly evolving. The internet, smartphones, tablets, internet-connected televisions — none of these options even existed just a few decades ago. As a parent, it can feel like a daunting task to both keep up with the changes and to help children navigate the media world safely.
Media usage has both benefits and risks. It can be a great way to connect with friends and get needed support when you are struggling. It can be used to raise awareness of important issues around the world. It also allows for new ideas, research, and other information to be shared between millions and even billions of people.
On the other hand, overuse has been linked to obesity and poor sleep. Preoccupation with media usage can lead children to disengage with real-life, with regards to both in-person relationships as well as responsibilities like schoolwork. There are also the online dangers of cyberbullying and sexting, which can have severe consequences for a child’s mental health.
So parents, where do you even start? Here are some tips on how you as a parent can help your children get the best out of media:
1. Awareness of content.
There is both good and bad content available in all forms of media. Rating systems exist, but let’s be realistic here: they’re confusing. They aren’t standardized across different types of media, and it’s not always clear what a specific rating means. This means you need to be familiar with exactly what your child is being exposed to, not just what the rating is. One website that makes this easier is Common Sense Media: You can get details on educational value, positive messages, positive role models and representations, violence and scariness, sexual content, language, consumerism, and drinking, drugs, and even smoking. You can read reviews from parents and children including age suggestions. My favorite part about this site is that it includes all media types – movies, TV, YouTube, books, games, apps, and websites – some of which don’t even have official rating systems.
An extra tip for when ratings actually do come in handy: For TV shows, every episode is rated separately. So while you might approve of a show in general, there might be an episode or two you would want to avoid. To know which ones, it’s useful to know what the content labels mean for TV shows:
2. Limits for children ages 0-5 years old.
While the growing brains of this age group makes it so they may learn how to use smart devices (perhaps even quicker than you did), they also don’t have the ability yet to tell the difference between the real world and the digital world. And so, the American Academy of Pediatrics has very specific recommendations for technology use:
Limit screen use to video-chat only for children under 2 years old.
Limit screen use to 1 hour a day of high-quality media for children 2-5, and watch with your children to help explain things and apply it to the real world for them. They still don’t know a lot about the world, so while the connections may seem obvious to you, they could use some explanations. One particularly good program for this age is Sesame Street – they use research to make sure their episodes are developmentally appropriate!
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3. Limits for children age 6 years old and up.
For older children and teenagers, it is important to have consistent limits for time spent on media and the types of media used. When in doubt, make sure kids have enough time for sleep, physical activity, schoolwork, chores, etc. and then let media fill in the gaps. When media goes first, you risk not having enough time for the things important to health and real life responsibilities. Also, know how to use the parental controls on your devices and streaming sites, like Netflix, to limit exposure to inappropriate content. If you’re unsure how to use them, try Googling it – you are most likely not the only one who has had that question.
4. Media-free zones and times.
Media is pervasive and can be invasive. Help your children by providing times and spaces for them to disconnect. There are different options for how this can look in your family, such as phone-free family dinners or a TV-free playroom. In particular, devices and TVs should be kept out of bedrooms when children should be getting ready for bed and sleeping. This will help limit how media use impacts sleep and decrease unsupervised/unmonitored media use.
Photo by Pablo Merchán Montes on Unsplash
5. Social Media.
Facebook is just the beginning. There are new social media sites and apps popping up every day, with varying degrees of popularity. Know which ones your child is using. Make sure the privacy settings are such that strangers won’t be able to track or target your child. Explain the safety concerns with using social media and the importance of not connecting with people they haven’t met before in real life. And equally important, teach them how to behave online. It is easy to be rude online when you can’t see the other person’s face. A good standard to set is if you wouldn’t say or do it in person, you shouldn’t do it online either. Teach them that they’re never really anonymous and what they say online can last forever — so make sure it’s something that they want to stick around or it might end up haunting them.
Bonus Tip: Using the same social media that your child does can help you to understand what it is and what it can mean to them. And it can encourage them to think twice before posting something if they know you’re going to see it.
6. Above all, teach your child how to judge media for themselves.
You’re not always going to be able to protect them from the negativity that is out there. Start when your kids are young with age-appropriate conversations. If they see something on TV that you don’t want them to copy, use it as a conversation-starter, an opportunity to talk about why what they saw was wrong and how they should behave instead. Teach them to be active consumers – questioning and critiquing what they see, not just absorbing it.
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There you have it. Six practical tips for parenting in the digital age. Just remember, these tips aren’t always easy to implement. No parent is perfect, and children love to push limits. You may not always be doing as well as you’d like with limiting and monitoring your children’s media usage, but you can always start again tomorrow.
And for those of you who may be wondering where to start with implementing these tips, check out the Family Media Use Plan from the American Academy of Pediatrics. You enter how old your children are, and it will walk you through the steps of deciding what boundaries you want to set for your children’s (and your own) media usage.
Mariah Ramage was born and raised in Bellevue, Washington with two older brothers. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development, and she is currently living in the Seattle area. Mariah is currently experiencing the joys of being a nanny to three-year-old boy-girl twins while she prepares to pursue graduate work in Human Development and Family Studies. She is passionate about mental health, abuse recovery, purposeful parenting, and healthy media usage.
My interest in childhood eating began during my freshman year of college sitting in a beginning level nutrition class. That interest has grown over the last few years as I’ve worked to teach my almost two-year-old girls how to eat and encouraged them to gain a taste for healthy foods. Breastfeeding was incredibly difficult for me, as it is for many, and my concern for proper feeding has not gone away. And now, instead of breastfeeding, I am faced with teaching them to eat solid foods, how to manipulate a spoon, and instilling in them a desire to make nutritious choices as they age. I am going to bet that I am not the only one who has ever had questions or concerns regarding how, when, and what to feed their child.
So….how do we teach our children to have a healthy relationship with food? Can we prevent picky eaters? Is my child getting the right nutrition to meet their bodies’ needs? Here I present a few tips I have gathered from my favorite nutrition professor, pediatricians, current research and my own experiences.
1. When beginning to offer solid food the main goal is to create a positive and enjoyable experience with your baby.
In early infancy all of the body’s nutritional needs are met with breast milk or formula, so we do not need to worry about how much food our infants consume, although we will see an increase in ounces of food consumed as the child gets closer to 12 months.
Photo by Rainier Ridao on Unsplash
2. Children may need to be exposed to a food up to 15 times before developing a taste for a certain food.
I will never forget feeding my daughter peas for the first time and about five minutes later watching her throw them all up. Is she allergic? Is it a texture issue? Does she simply just not like them? These are all thoughts that ran through my head. If it is clear your child has a distaste for a specific food, or it causes vomiting episodes like above, many nutritionists and doctors suggest taking a break from the food and reintroducing it at a later time. I gave my girls scrambled eggs about 10 times before they started enjoying them instead of simply using them as projectile weapons. It was very frustrating and a lot of work, but now I can confidently say it was definitely worth it and I am happy my girls can now get protein from eggs. Just a personal tip, try mixing up the texture. My girls actually really liked hard boiled eggs right off the bat.
In an article published by the British Journal of Nutrition, we read interesting information regarding children’s taste for foods. “Food preferences develop from genetically determined predispositions to like sweet and salty flavours and to dislike bitter and sour tastes. There is evidence for existence of some innate, automatic mechanism that regulates appetite. However, from birth, genetic predispositions are modified by experience. There are mechanisms of taste development: mere exposure, medicine effect, flavour learning, flavour nutrient learning.” There is the possibility your child may never like brussel sprouts because genetics are in charge, however, I feel that as parents we sometimes have a tendency to say our children are picky eaters when the reality is we have not been putting enough effort in helping them explore the many different tastes and textures.
3. When your child is repeatedly asking for a certain food, say yes.
Caveat: this applies to foods under your established parameters of nutritious options! Many children have different tastes and will want meat, milk, a vegetable, etc. and will often ask for this item repeatedly, perhaps even as a snack. I like to think of this as their bodies telling them what they are lacking. Around 18 months one of my girls asked for bread during dinner time every night for a week and I gladly gave it to her knowing that she probably needed some extra calories. Even if your child is requesting the same food item over and over I do suggest offering it with other options so the child can see the variety of food available to them.
4. Offer a few healthy options you would be pleased with your child eating each meal.
Perhaps one meal I offer black beans, broccoli, and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich all on the same plate. This allows me to give my girls options that I would be happy with them eating (giving me some control) while still allowing them to choose from the options (giving them some control). As to what those foods are and what you decide to offer your children, that is totally personal and up to you. My belief is moderation is all things, but I know many people who successfully feed their children on vegan, vegetarian, ketogenic, and paleo diets. The idea here is that you are in control and would be happy with what they choose from the choices you present, yet they have some personal freedom over their eating
5. Children are intuitive eaters and we need to trust their ability to know what their body needs.
As mentioned above, one important part of developing healthy eating habits is giving your children freedom to make choices, and whatever they decide to eat from their plate is up to them. When your child signals or tells you they are done…they are done. Many times my girls have told me they are done after only eating a few bites and I don’t worry, because I know they will make up the calories at another meal. Children typically eat two good meals a day- so don’t stress when they don’t want lunch one day. It is important to offer two regulated snacks throughout the day as well as children have a greater need to eat more frequently and the American Academy of Pediatrics Handbook recommends 3 main meals and 2 snacks in between meals.
6. Children are far more likely to accept new foods, and even eat foods they have been given many times, if family and friends are eating with them.
Unfortunately we can’t expect our children to be happy about eating broccoli while we are eating a doughnut. It just isn’t going to work. I try to eat as healthy as I can and almost always feed my girls whatever I am eating. In addition to eating with your child, sit them at the table or in their highchair every time they eat so they can associate eating time with sitting down in that manner. Snack times should typically occur in this place as well. Allowing our children to graze and eat at their own leisure leads to unhealthy snacking habits.
7. Whether or not a child can eat dessert should not be determined by how much dinner they eat.
CRAZY RIGHT?! The control that comes from “eat 4 more bites” or “no dessert until after dinner” creates unhealthy pressure for your child. Eating a dessert or treat should be an enjoyable activity for your child with no strings attached and should not be associated with good behavior. We will be far more likely to see an appropriate relationship with eating sweets if there isn’t unneeded control over eating them. The previously mentioned British Journal of Nutrition article also comments on this issue, saying, “Parents play a pivotal role in the development of their child’s food preferences and energy intake, with research indicating that certain child feeding practices, such as exerting excessive control over what and how much children eat, may contribute to children being overweight.”
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I’m assuming your goal is like mine, to help your child create a healthy relationship with food as well as a desire to eat nutritious foods. Childhood body dysmorphic disorder rates are increasing and body image ideas related to eating is a concern for children at younger and younger ages. One way to combat this issue is to help create positive eating experiences throughout infancy and toddlerhood, offer healthy choices repeatedly, and do not put undue pressure on your child to eat a certain amount of food. The human body is incredibly designed and, especially during childhood years, is extremely efficient in self-regulating needs for nutrients. Helping our children to develop healthy relationships with food and eating can often be difficult and trying, but in the end we are teaching them skills and habits that they will carry with them for the rest of their lives.
***From a medical standpoint as a nurse with pediatric experience I want to add that there are extenuating circumstances and medical situations that will call for parents to regulate food intake for their child. The information I have already shared will be most effective with healthy children who are growing steadily.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics (2018). Infant Food and Feeding. Retrieved from https://www.aap.org/en-us/advocacy-and-policy/aap-health-initiatives/HALF-Implementation-Guide/Age-Specific-Content/Pages/Infant-Food-and-Feeding.aspx
Scaglioni, S., Salvioni, M., & Galimberti, C. (2008). Influence of parental attitudes in the development of children eating behaviour. British Journal of Nutrition, 99(S1). doi:10.1017/s0007114508892471
Wadhera, D., Capaldi Phillips, E. D., & Wilkie, L. M. (2015). Teaching children to like and eat vegetables. Appetite, 93, 75–84. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.appet.2015.06.016
Elisabeth Gray is from Orem, Utah, but she is currently living in Tulsa, Oklahoma while her husband attends medical school. Betty graduated from Brigham Young University in April of 2016 with a Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and is a Registered Nurse. She has experience with pediatric home health patients, but she currently works from home so she can be with her two-year-old twin girls.
