“Love is the strangest, most illogical thing in the world.” -Jennifer E. Smith
Love is my middle name. No, seriously. I’ve always felt weird admitting that, because it seemed cheesy and somehow presumptuous. But, I’ve gained an appreciation for my name now. It is a reminder of the most important human capacity: to love. A lot has been written about love. It’s all conflicting and cliché, but true. This new year is a chance to bring what we’ve learned from 2020 into the present, and live truer, more beautiful lives. If you have any resolution, let it be love.
Poets and artists have described love in many ways. There is great love, brotherly love, true love, unrequited love, good love, passionate love, platonic love, real love, parental love, etc. A person’s feelings are real and their own. No one else can claim or define them. It’s been said that the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. So, if you feel an emotion other than apathy, perhaps it’s love. Rather than asking ourselves what is love, ask what feels real and true for me? (Doyle, 2020).
Some loves we have no control over; our love is taken from us. Like a pet, high school sweetheart, or new born baby. And others we choose and keep choosing, like a spouse or long time friend. Does love at first sight exist? Maybe. Can you be in love and not know it? Perhaps. Do kindred spirits, soul-mates and bosom friends exist? It’s possible. Understanding love isn’t what matters. What matters is that we don’t let the mystery and uncertainty of our feelings keep us from living and loving.
Don’t Stop It…
I recently read the following from the novel Possession which said, “My Solitude is my Treasure, the best thing I have. I hesitate to go out. If you opened the little gate, I would not hop away – but oh how I sing in my gold cage” (Byatt, 2012). Sometimes we put ourselves in cages, because it feels safer. We keep ourselves from feeling as a way to avoid future disappointment. Brené Brown calls this “foreboding joy” (Brown, 2015). Joy might be the most vulnerable emotion we experience because of the underlying dread that those feelings will end. We were never meant to feel good or safe all of the time. Most of us know this, but we tend to forget when the fear is intense. Stop trying to beat vulnerability to the punch, and be present. It’s okay to be deeply disappointed, just as it is okay to be wildly in love.
Have you ever stayed in a romantic relationship because it “made sense”? Your family loved them. You had a lot in common. Or, you just couldn’t think of a “good enough” reason to part ways. Maybe you’ve maintained friendships based on history, or you felt you’d be a bad person if you allowed yourself to drift apart. Sometimes we force love and relationships because we are too afraid to be alone or worried about what others will think. Don’t allow shame and insecurity to call the shots anymore. Because love makes no sense, it’s important to listen to your gut. Intuition is the best guide through the magical mess of love.
It was William Goldman who said, “Love is many things, none of them logical.” Love lies in the mystical, magical and creative realm. It is not born from or found among the critics or analysts. That’s not to say logic and reason are invalid. In fact, they help us make meaning and can improve our dysfunctional relationships. I mean love itself cannot be measured, replicated, collected, bought, controlled, analyzed or fully understood. Let go and embrace the beautiful ambiguity that is loving.
Let go of fear and doubt. Inhibition just slows us down. Choose to believe that people are naturally good and believe in love. Stop over-thinking and perfecting, and just enjoy your life. Be so intoxicated with living, and in love with who you are. Give that joy to others, and love without condition. Then notice the colors that fill in the cracks as you watch your life transform.
1) When you forebode joy, breathe and remind yourself that you want to live big and claim your life; you will no longer be controlled by scarcity and fear.
2) Say “I love you” more often.
3) Get creative. Paint, write, dance, etc. Express yourself. Do more of what you love.
4) If you have your life all planned out, be flexible and let go of the parts that keep you from enjoying the present.
References
Brown, B. (2015) Rising strong. Random House.
Byatt, A. S. (2012) Possession: A romance. Random House.
Doyle, G. (2020). Untamed. Belichi Ogugua.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.
1. Sense of Self
Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together.
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2. Empathy
Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).
3. Respects Boundaries
Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time.
Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash
4. Emotional Intelligence
Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.
But how can you REALLY tell?
These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash
The Golden Rule
Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
1) When you forebode joy, breathe and remind yourself that you want to live big and claim your life; you will no longer be controlled by scarcity and fear. 
Dray Salcido
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.