Project Parent

Supporting Teen Mental Health and Positive Risk Taking

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Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
Mental health among adolescents is a serious concern to many parents and professionals. Many of those who are now raising and training teenagers had a very different experience in their own adolescence. With social media, texting, school, and extracurriculars, today’s teens are never really “off”. The pressure to be seen as good enough, as belonging, but also as a distinct individual, is strong. How are we supposed to help teens balance all of this? 
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels
Photo by Trinity Kubassek from Pexels

How prevalent is mental illness and risk-taking among teens?

We know that 50% of mental illness sets in by age 14, and 75% sets in by age 24. 40% of teens have had sex. We also know that about 10% of high school females report being coerced into having sex, and about 43% of sexually active teens report that they did not use a condom last time they had sex, and 1 in 4 female teens is infected with an STD, but most don’t even know it. Over 20% of teens report having binge drunk (having 5+ alcoholic beverages within a 2-hour span), and about the same number report having been passengers of an intoxicated driver. 10% report that they have driven under the influence. A third of freshmen report that they have tried marijuana, and we know that 90% of those using marijuana used alcohol and/or nicotine first. And here’s the really scary part: 20% of high schoolers say they have seriously considered a suicide attempt, 1 in 7 has developed an actual plan to end their lives, and 1 in 12 teens has attempted suicide.
With all of these terrifying statistics, how do we keep teens physically and mentally safe and healthy?
We know those fear tactics don’t work. We know this from plenty of research. They. Just. Don’t. Work. So what do we do?

Why do teens take risks?

The teenage brain is wired to take risks and to seek social acceptance and belonging. The need to be accepted by their peers is more than just “being a follower”. The teenage brain processes being socially adept and accepted as a survival skill. And when teens feel excluded or ostracized, their brains literally perceive that as a life or death situation. That’s why your teen absolutely freaks out if you take their phone away – you’re igniting their survival system. I’m not saying phone use should not be regulated – addiction to phones and social media is a very real thing, and we know that the more time people spend on social media apps, the more likely they are to experience low self-esteem, symptoms of depression, and to feel inferior to their peers. But when we are aware of how significant this disconnection is to the teenage brain, it helps us respond with more empathy, explaining the “why” and giving our kids other opportunities for connection.
Understand too that these risks are a part of why teens engage in risky behaviors. The need for peer approval is a survival need. When we help our teens surround themselves with peers that are good influences, and cultivate good relationships with parents, teachers, coaches, and other trustworthy people, we foster positive connections, fulfill that survival need, and mitigate the necessity to take risks. 
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels
Photo by Jacub Gomez from Pexels

We can help teens take healthy risks!

The reward system in teenage brains is also more sensitive – everything literally feels better to them: fries taste better, roller coasters are more thrilling, and winning feels even better. This is because the teenage brain releases more dopamine than the adult brain. Rewards – good things – just feel better! This is another part of why teens are driven to take risks. Surges of adrenaline and dopamine feel so good to the teenage brain. If we can help kids find positive ways to get these hormone surges, we again mitigate risk. Trying new things, developing talents, sports, dancing, performing, amusement parks, hiking, etc. When we find positive ways to trigger the reward center, we limit the need for risk-taking behaviors.
Teens with mental illnesses and traumatic experiences are more likely to take risks. Our awareness of these needs can help them participate in activities that will not only allow them to get these dopamine surges in other ways, but that will also teach them skills, boost their confidence, help them connect with good people, and encourage things like responsibility, work ethic, motivation, self-efficacy, sportsmanship, and emotional regulation. Activities like sports teams, dance, theatre, or a part-time job are just some examples. If you want more information on adolescent risk-taking, read Born to Be Wild: Why Teens Take Risks, and How We Can Help Keep Them Safe by Jess P. Shatkin.

Our teens need to get enough sleep!

Our teens also need more sleep. Studies show that schools that delay their start time by sixty, or even thirty minutes, have students with lower rates of depression, better grades, and better decision-making. Their students also get in fewer accidents. Teens also often fall asleep to blue light – their phones, TVs, laptops, or tablets. Viewing blue light less than sixty minutes before falling asleep disrupts REM sleep, leaving people feeling less well-rested. 
Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels
Photo by Artem Beliaikin from Pexels

We need to be emotion coaches for our kids.

One of the most important parts of supporting our teens is through being an emotion coach. While most often we think about emotion coaches within the context of effective parenting, teachers, coaches, and other adults who work with youth can also be emotion coaches. Emotion coaching is essentially setting aside our own agendas to help children identify, understand, and process their emotions in a way that will improve their decision-making, relationships, and resilience. Emotion coaching does not mean we remove boundaries or discipline, but it does mean that our priorities shift from behavior correction to helping kids understand how their emotions and behaviors coincide, and how they can use their emotions as tools. Emotion coaching parents empower their kids and help them take ownership over their emotions and experiences, without dismissing or shaming them. Kids who are emotion coached have better social skills, are more resilient, are better at making and keeping friends, participate in less risky behaviors, have better mental and physical health, better immune systems, better relationships with their parents, are better able to resolve conflict, and are more successful academically. You can check out a few of our articles on emotion coaching and emotional intelligence here and here, but I would also recommend Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman.
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Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

Don’t delay getting professional help.

At the end of the day, if you think your teen needs clinical/professional intervention, don’t wait. A good therapist or behavior coach can go a long way. Some teens require more intensive treatment programs, even residential treatment. This does not mean that you have failed as a parent – sometimes our kids have clinical mental illnesses or traumatic experiences that are beyond our control. Whatever the issue, if you think your child may need intervention, don’t wait. Teenagers are so close to being adults – and if they don’t resolve some of these issues before reaching adulthood, it can mean lasting problems with their adult relationships, higher education, and/or career pursuits. When we delay in helping our kids manage their mental health, they take scripts into their adulthood of maladaptive ways to manage or not to manage that health. Taking further steps may sound intense, but it gives our teens a better chance as adults. We all know that it can be so much harder to manage our trauma, mental illness, ticks, and struggles as adults, now that the expectations and stakes are so much higher. Normalize conversations about mental health in your home. It matters! Normalizing these kinds of conversations can help our kids feel less shame about their struggles, feel supported, and take more ownership over their own mental health.
1. Have a non-judgmental conversation with your teen about their mental health. Practice listening, and avoid lecturing.
2. Find a way to engage in a positive risk-taking behavior with your teen. (In other words, get their dopamine and adrenaline up!)

References

Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, N.Y: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Sellers, C. M., Díaz-Valdés, A., Porter, A. C., Glenn, C. R., Miller, A. B., Battalen, A. W., & O’Brien, K. H. M. (2021). Nonsuicidal self-injury, suicide planning, and suicide attempts among high-risk adolescents prior to psychiatric hospitalization. Research on Child and Adolescent Psychopathology, 49(11), 1503–1511. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10802-021-00830-z
Shatkin, J. P., (2018). Born to be Wild: Why teens take risks, and how we can help keep them safe. PENGUIN Books.
Stevenson, S. (2016). Sleep smarter: 21 essential strategies to sleep your way to a better body, better health, and bigger success. New York, NY: Rodale Books.

 

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Guest Writers, Power Couples

Re-Envisioning the Role of Anger in Marriage

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Cover photo by Alex Green from Pexels

Written by Katrina Hill of Brigham Young University
Part of being human is experiencing a full range of emotions- from elation to discouragement to frustration. Another part of the human experience is facing our own flaws and the flaws of others. Because no one is perfect and everyone has feelings, sometimes we clash and sometimes we get hurt. This can happen in marriages as well, because of how much time spouses spend together and how many joint decisions they make. Flare-ups occur, and conversations can sometimes take an angry turn. But is this always negative? What is the role of anger in marriage and can it be used constructively?
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To address this question, it’s helpful to understand that anger’s biological purpose is to protect the wellbeing of the individual feeling it—not only physically, but also their emotional and psychological wellbeing. In order to fulfill that purpose, anger alerts the individual that something is wrong or not ideal in the relationship, and that it needs to be addressed and corrected (Butler et al., 2017).

Resisting the Urge to Attack

Anger is biologically a hostile emotion, so the natural response when we feel anger is to attack our partner, who has hurt or offended us in some way, in order to defend ourselves (Butler et al., 2017). This tendency can be problematic. Though there are several characteristics in couples that can be associated with divorce, well-respected marriage researcher, John Gottman identified one that is particularly damaging: contempt. Contempt is an angry response that shows hostility, disrespect, and meanness towards one’s partner (Lisitsa, 2018). 
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Gottman (1993) also clarified that couples expressing anger itself did not necessarily predict the end of the relationship—in other words, getting mad is not nearly as harmful as being mean. However, when we are angry, we often end up being mean too. Even so, as unnatural as it may feel, if we want our relationships to thrive, it is important to learn to express our anger without the hostility and attacking.
What’s the big deal about expressing anger the right way? Even if couples are never extremely mean and contemptuous, consistent patterns of expressing anger negatively still affect marital happiness. Responding to negativity with more negativity (e.g., sarcasm), makes it harder for either partner stop to respond and to repair hurt feelings. Increased physiological arousal during conflict, including higher blood pressure and adrenaline hormone levels, has also resulted in increased marital unhappiness (Gottman, 1998). This means that more conflict-derived, anger-caused physiological stress leads to unhappier marriages. 
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
Anger in its raw, unchecked form can ravage like a wildfire and leave destruction in its wake. In contrast, anger in its constructive form is like a flame from a candle— it can illuminate our inner, more vulnerable feelings and light the way to healing, empathy, accountability, and change. It is still fire, but it is very different from the kind of fire that can burn down all that we hold dear. This concept of constructive anger has been described as “. . .authenticity with kindness. . .affirmative and assertive, yet remarkably softened” (Meloy-Miller et al., 2018, p. 44).
When our partner angers us, we can choose to see it as an opportunity to firmly yet kindly express how we feel about what they did and what we’d like to see change. If feelings are heard and changes made, the expression of anger actually helps couples grow closer and improve as individuals (Butler et al., 2017). On the other hand, if a serious offense has occurred and the hurt partner does not express their feelings or invite the offending partner to be accountable—the relationship can stagnate.
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Expressing Anger Without Hostility

In order to express constructive anger, we have to choose honesty over hostility. However, it is easy to fall into the trap of using honesty as an excuse to be mean and put our partner down (Fremont-Smith, 2020). We can easily say that we are being honest when we are being mean to our partner. That’s how we feel, isn’t it, so why not say it like it is?
Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

Identify Your Feelings

In reality, honesty requires us to take a moment to cool down and identify what is going on deeper inside us (Fremont-Smith, 2020; Meneses & Greenberg, 2012). Why is there anger arising, or in other words, what more sensitive feelings are we instinctively trying to protect? Is a part of us feeling hurt, let down, embarrassed, sad, scared, lonely, unworthy or disrespected? Remember, anger is biologically designed to protect us (Butler et al., 2017), so it often arises to cocoon something vulnerable, like an animal instinctively protecting her young. Though it may feel difficult, identifying and expressing those vulnerable feelings to our partner is a key step in expressing anger in a constructive way. 
Photo by Alex Green from Pexels

Specify What Made You Angry

We also have to be willing to let our partner know what they did to elicit the anger and other more vulnerable feelings. The goal of this step is to encourage accountability, not to blame, which leads to defensiveness (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012). It may be easier to lash out rather than to be open about our thoughts and feelings, but getting vicious in self-defense makes the situation worse (Gottman, 1998).

Work Together Towards Change

When we experience anger it often brings to light changes that need to be made in our relationship. Therefore, another key step is a request or invitation to our partner to change or to participate in discussing possible adjustments (Fremont-Smith, 2020).  While compromise is the goal, sometimes our partner may not be willing to make changes, which can lead to major relational consequences depending on the seriousness of the issue (Butler et al., 2017). Even if this is the case, expressing constructive anger still helps us reduce rumination, stress, and desires to retaliate (Butler et al., 2017).
Photo by Jack Sparrow from Pexels

Affirming Our Partner’s Worth

When we express constructive anger, it may be helpful to include affirmations of both our own and our partners’ worth. This helps both partners remember that they did not deserve to be hurt, and that their partner who hurt/offended them is a person of value who does not deserve to be belittled (Butler et al., 2017; Meloy-Miller et al, 2018).
Photo by Gabby K from Pexels

Summary

So, how do we express constructive, non-hostile anger and avoid contempt? In summary, here are the steps (Meloy-Miller et al, 2018):
  • My feelings. Identify and state your vulnerable feelings (which can include anger itself)
  • Your actions. State your partner’s actions that elicited those feelings
  • Our change. Express what change you would like to see in the relationship and invite your partner to participate in helping make that change
  • Our worth. Affirm the worth of both partners  

For Example…

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Let’s take two examples. Imagine for a moment that you walk in on a couple in the middle of a heated argument: 
“Do you even know how a budget works, or is our situation just a joke to you? I have been trying so hard to follow it, and then you come in and blow all it all on who knows what!”
“Yeah, blame me, because I’m the one who got into all that debt before we met! You know what, now you know exactly how I felt when I found that out!”
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto from Pexels
Now let’s hear an exchange about the same issue, but with the first partner expressing his or her anger constructively, incorporating the four key elements listed above. 
“Hey, honey, I noticed today that you’ve been spending way more money than we agreed on. I’m pretty disappointed that you disregarded our budget, and I’m scared that if you do this more, we’ll go into more debt. I’m grateful for you in so many ways and I’m glad we’re in this together, however, I don’t deserve and frankly can’t handle being put through this kind of stress. Can we talk about what happened and how we can keep it from happening again?”
“Oh, yeah, about that. . . I thought it would be worth it at the time, but then I regretted it. I’ve been struggling emotionally the last several days. . . I guess that’s just what I did to cope. I’ve been too embarrassed to say anything. . . I’m sorry.”
The partner expressing anger has not in any way shied away from the fact that something is wrong and needs to be fixed, but they have refrained from being mean. In fact, they were kind. And now, not only are the financial issues being addressed, but the other partner’s needs can also be addressed, whereas otherwise they might not have been (Meneses & Greenberg, 2012).
Photo by Octavio Fossatti on Unsplash
Though we may often want to make it clear to our partner that we are upset at them by making jabs at them, a more effective approach is to plainly yet gently tell them how we feel and ask for change. Love may be a battlefield, but whether couples fight alongside or against each other depends in part on how they understand and express anger in their partnership.
Start small by focusing on the first step of identifying your anger. This week, in a time when you feel angry, pause, and say out loud, “I am angry right now.” Try to identify two other emotions that you are also feeling (because anger is more of a secondary emotion, it is likely that you are experiencing other “softer” feelings such as sadness or fear simultaneously). Then, take ten deep breaths. Practicing labeling your feelings will make it easier to express them to your partner.

References

Butler, M. H., Meloy-Miller, K. C., Seedall, R. B., & Dicus, J. L. (2017). Anger can help: A transactional model and three pathways of the experience and expression of anger. Family Process, 57(3), 817–835. https://doi.org/10.1111/famp.12311
Fremont-Smith, K. (2020, September 15). How to change your own contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-change-your-own-contempt/
Gottman, J. M. (1993). A theory of marital dissolution and stability. Journal of Family Psychology, 7(1), 57-75. https://psycnet.apa.org/doi/10.1037/0893-3200.7.1.57
Gottman, J. M. (1998). Psychology and the study of marital processes. Annual Review of Psychology, 49(1), 169-197. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.49.1.169
Lisitsa, E. (2018, July 25). The Four Horsemen: Contempt. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/
Meloy-Miller, K. C., Butler, M. H., Seedall, R. B., & Spencer, T. J. (2018). Anger can help: Clinical representation of three pathways of anger. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 46(1), 44–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2018.1428130
Meneses, C. W., & Greenberg, L. S. (2012). Interpersonal forgiveness in emotion focused couples’ therapy: Relating process to outcome. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, 40(1), 49–67 https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1752-0606.2012.00330.x

 

Katrina Hill is a senior at Brigham Young University studying Family Life. She is from Sacramento, California and loves being the older sister to her two awesome brothers. She loves music and has been playing the piano since she was six. She also loves learning, laughing, helping people, and trying to become better. After Katrina graduates from BYU in April, she hopes to pursue a masters degree in Social Work.
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Project Parent

How to Be An Emotion Coach For Your Child

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Cover photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
This year especially, all of us have experienced a range of emotions, perhaps including but not limited to: anger, nervousness, fear, confusion, anxiety, discouragement, loneliness, and depression. If we as adults are experiencing these things, imagine what our children are experiencing.
Most children have some kind of normal routine. Last year they went to school every weekday. They had never been to a grocery store to find it bare, their neighborhoods and cities had not been vandalized, they had not been forced to stay inside and told they couldn’t visit beloved family members. Children who have been victims of domestic abuse and neglect no longer have the safety and solace that school provides. 
Children are being taught a different message than they were a year before: “It’s not safe.” And this is scary when we consider that children need to feel safe in order to develop secure attachment (among many other things). Many parents do the best they can to frame the events and information of the day as, “I love you, and so I’m going to keep you safe,” and therefore are able to be a secure base for their children, maintaining a healthy sense of security and warmth. This is wonderful!
No matter how we frame information, children are internalizing messages from parents, media, and the drastic changes in their lives. This year children have undergone major disruptions and changes, and while research shows us that children are incredibly resilient, we don’t know how these changes will affect the mental health and development of children long-term. 
I don’t want to scare you. But what I do want to point out is that, like us, children experience emotions. And those emotions, even if “negative” emotions, are good and important. Just like us, children experience anxiety, depression, fear, anger, confusion, loneliness, and so on. It is of critical importance that we respond to their feelings appropriately and coach them through these tough emotions.
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Photo by August de Richelieu from Pexels
John Gottman wrote a great book called, “Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child”, and I want to share a few tidbits of that book with you to help you be an Emotion Coach for your child – or, in other words, to help your child become emotionally intelligent. 

Emotional Intelligence

First, it’s important to understand what emotional intelligence is. Emotional intelligence is essentially the ability to identify, understand, and process your emotions in a way that makes you more resilient on the other side. Emotional intelligence is NOT pushing through your emotions quickly or dissociating from them. It’s about understanding your experience, embracing it, and working through it effectively, and with a growth mindset. “Even more than IQ, your emotional awareness and ability to handle feelings will determine your success and happiness in all walks of life including family relationships.”
Emotionally intelligent children are better able to control their impulses, delay gratification, motivate themselves, read other social cues accurately, and cope with life’s ups and downs. Additionally, children whose parents are emotion coaches have better physical health, higher academic scores, get along with their friends better, and are able to self-soothe.
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Photo by Eye for Ebony on Unsplash

How To Be An Emotion Coach

Emotion coaches don’t object to a child’s display of anger, sadness or fear, nor do they ignore them. Instead, they accept negative emotions as a fact of life. They use emotional moments as opportunities for teaching children important life lessons and building closer relationships with them. 
Parents who invalidate and/or discount children’s feelings can cause children to doubt themselves and not trust their instincts. Emotional coaching requires empathy, good listening skills, selflessness, and the ability to put oneself in the child’s shoes. Emotional coaching parents serve as their children’s guides through the world of emotion. They go beyond acceptance to set limits on inappropriate behavior and teach their kids how to regulate their feelings, find appropriate outlets, and solve problems….emotional coaching parents have a strong awareness of their own emotions and those of their loved ones. In addition, they recognize that all emotions, even those we generally consider negative, such as sadness, anger, and fear can serve useful purposes in our lives.”
pexels-ba-phi-1361766 (1)
Photo by Ba Phi from Pexels
Emotion coaches do five things:
1. Become aware of your child’s emotions.
Emotional awareness simply means that you are able to recognize emotions in yourself and in those around you. To recognize emotions in your children, you must recognize emotions in yourself. When we observe our children experiencing emotions, even negative emotions, we do not dismiss those emotions or respond with disapproval. Emotional awareness leads to empathy and our next step.
2. Recognize emotion as an opportunity for teaching and intimacy
When we recognize that emotional expression gives way to the opportunity for connection and learning, we deepen our relationship. Talking to children about what they are feeling gives us the opportunity to teach them to understand their own emotions, teach them about the world around them, and build trust.
pexels-elly-fairytale-3893532
Photo by Elly Fairytale from Pexels
3. Listen, empathize and validate
We all need people who are willing to listen, empathize, and validate – our children are no different. One of the hard things around this one is refraining from dismissing, disapproving, or even trying to rescue our kids from their problems.
4. Help children learn to label emotions
As children talk about their experiences and express needs, we can help them identify what they are feeling. It is important to help them label their experiences, instead of labeling their emotions for them. This is not a time to rescue our children from their emotions. There is nothing wrong with feeling angry, hurt, nervous, discouraged, confused, etc. Accepting that these negative experiences are a natural part of life actually helps our children build resilience and confidence. Dismissing or disapproving of negative emotions can, even unintentionally, teach our children that they are alone in their emotions, bad for having those feelings, that they cannot trust their instincts, or that something is wrong with them. But labeling their emotions helps them eventually process how to work through them.
pexels-josh-willink-1157394 (1)
Photo by Josh Willink from Pexels
5. Set limits while exploring strategies
Boundaries and discipline are still an important part of parenting, even for emotional coaches. For example, we absolutely have the right to be angry, but we don’t have the right to throw our toys at people. Here’s where we really get to connect and teach our children. We take it a step further by helping our children explore solutions to their problems. Again, we do not rescue children. We hold them accountable for their mistakes, and empower them to find solutions. We act as their coach in this growth process. “When we seek to understand our children’s experience, they feel supported. They know we’re on their side. When we refrain from criticizing them, discounting their feelings, or trying to distract them from their goals, they let us into their world. They tell us how they feel. They offer their opinions. Their motivations feel less mysterious which in turn leads to further understanding. Our children begin to trust us. Then when conflicts crop up we’ve got some common ground for solving problems together. Our kids may even risk brainstorming solutions with us. Indeed the day may come when they are actually willing to hear our suggestions.”
While important, understand that emotion coaching is not a cure-all. Conflict is normal and discipline is important. Emotional coaching is about closeness, capability, and engagement, not removing conflict or the need for boundaries. 
Personal Practice 1
This week, take advantage of opportunities to practice being an emotion coach for your child(ren).

References

Esmaeelzadehazad, S., Valadi, S., & Gabbard, C. (2021). The impact of maternal emotional intelligence on young children’s motor development. European Journal of Developmental Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/17405629.2021.1918094
Gottman, J. M., Declaire, J., & Goleman, D. (2015). Raising an emotionally intelligent child. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster Paperbacks.
Li, D., & Shi, J. (2021). Fluid intelligence, trait emotional intelligence and academic performance in children with different intellectual levels. High Ability Studies, 32(1), 51–69. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/13598139.2019.1694493
Persich, M. R., Smith, R., Cloonan, S. A., Woods, L. R., Strong, M., & Killgore, W. D. S. (2021). Emotional intelligence training as a protective factor for mental health during the COVID‐19 pandemic. Depression and Anxiety, 38(10), 1018–1025. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/da.23202

 

 

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Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
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Power Couples, Single Souls

4 Qualities You Should Look For in a Mate

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Written by Rian Gordon
The first date, the first kiss, the first “I love you”… When you are searching for a romantic partner, it can be really easy to get lost in the moments that make up falling in love. There’s a reason why they say “love is blind”. With all of the rushing hormones that tend to make up the start of a new relationship, it’s no wonder that so many of us find ourselves in relationships with less-than-ideal partners time and time again! So, how do you prevent yourself from falling for someone that may not be good for you in the long run?
Here are four qualities that research has suggested are important to look for (and develop!) if your goal is to have a healthy and happy relationship.

1. Sense of Self

Having a strong sense of self is incredibly important when it comes to creating and maintaining healthy relationships. While Platonic philosophy (and Hollywood, for that matter) would have us believe that there is a perfect soulmate or “other half” for us somewhere out in the world, the reality is that relationships do not complete us (Van Epp, 2008). Healthy relationships consist of two whole people (as whole, of course, as we can be in our imperfect human world) coming together to create something bigger than just the two of them. Now, a strong sense of self does not mean that you have to know exactly what you want in life or how you will get there; many of us meet our partners when we are young, and still trying to get a handle on life! It does mean, however, that you have a pretty good idea of how you relate to the world – you have goals, values, and ideals, and you feel positively about who you are at your core. Having a strong sense of self sets you up for an equal partnership and a relationship between two whole people, confident in their ability to navigate and conquer life together. 
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Photo from pexels.com

2. Empathy

Empathy is a skill that helps in building trust, deepening connection, increasing understanding, and even resolving conflict. Studies have also found that empathy is positively related to overall relationship satisfaction (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010; Sened et al., 2017), and can help in decreasing depression (Cramer, & Jowett, 2010). When you are in a relationship for the long-haul, you want someone who is going to listen with love, and who will do their best to see things from your perspective, whether or not they agree. Practicing empathy for one another will really help you and your partner as you seek to support one another in your personal and couple goals and dreams, and as you face difficulties together (something that comes in every long-term relationship!).

3. Respects Boundaries

Boundaries create safety in relationships, and safety is critical in any stage of a relationship. In fact, you have to feel safe in order to experience real and meaningful connection! When our minds and bodies feel safe, it “enables us to collaborate, listen, empathize, and connect, as well as be creative, innovative, and bold in our thinking and ideas” (Boeder, 2017). A lack of physical safety (feeling safe from any form of physical danger, including abuse), emotional safety (feeling safe to be open with someone emotionally), or commitment safety (feeling safe in your relationship and trusting that your partner is committed to you) prevents growth in the relationship, and can even lead to serious pain or trauma. If you don’t feel safe with someone, you cannot be yourself around them. If your date or partner does not respect your boundaries, they are not worthy of your trust or your time. 
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Photo by Tiago Felipe Ferreira on Unsplash

4. Emotional Intelligence

Emotions are a part of every-day life, and, when it comes to feelings, relationships bring the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004), and is a trait that is positively associated with relationship satisfaction (Malouff, Schutte, & Thorsteinsson, 2013; Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013) as well as better mental health (Schutte, Malouff, & Thorsteinsson, 2013). Someone who is emotionally intelligent allows themselves to feel emotions that are both “positive” and “negative”, but doesn’t get stuck in these emotions forever. They have positive coping mechanisms for dealing with their emotions, and they can also separate their own emotions from the emotions of those around them. Finding a partner who knows how to identify, express, and work through their emotions in a positive and productive way will be a major asset as you both navigate the ups and downs of life and committed relationships. Read more about emotional intelligence in relationships in other HHP articles here, here, and here.

But how can you REALLY tell?

These traits are not always easy to identify in everyone you meet, especially if you are just first getting to know someone. So how can you really tell if someone possesses these essential qualities? One answer is T+T+T: Talk (mutual self-disclosure) plus Togetherness (diversified experiences) plus Time (Van Epp, 2008). In general, the more time you spend with someone, the better you get to know them. However, time alone does not ensure a deep or real knowledge of who someone is at their core. The other two elements are key in knowing who someone really is. Make sure that when you are searching for a mate, you spend a significant amount of time together in a wide variety of situations, and that you are both sharing about yourselves in a way that is proportionate to the level of time and trust in your relationship.
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Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The Golden Rule

Therapist and author Dr. John Van Epp says, “Being the best person you can be is the first step in building a healthy relationship” (Van Epp, 2008). You can’t expect to find a partner who has a strong sense of self, is empathetic, respects your boundaries, and has emotional intelligence if you yourself are not working on developing the same qualities! The good news is, these are traits you can LEARN and PRACTICE. You do not have to be perfect in each of these traits in order to make an eligible partner. However, actively working towards improving in each of these areas guarantees improvement in any of your relationships (not just your romantic ones), and ensures that you will be ready when the right partner who has also been working on developing themself comes along!
Personal Practice 1It’s important to develop in yourself traits that you would like to find in a mate! Choose one of these four traits you would like to work on developing in yourself, and set one or two goals to help you with this development. 

References

Boeder, E. (2018, February 16). Emotional Safety is Necessary for Emotional Connection. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/emotional-safety-is-necessary-for-emotional-connection/.
Cramer, D., & Jowett, S. (2010). Perceived empathy, accurate empathy and relationship satisfaction in heterosexual couples. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 27(3), 327–349. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407509348384
Malouff, J. M., Schutte, N. S., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Trait Emotional Intelligence and Romantic Relationship Satisfaction: A Meta-Analysis. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 42(1), 53–66. https://doi.org/10.1080/01926187.2012.748549
Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8  
Sened, H., Lavidor, M., Lazarus, G., Bar-Kalifa, E., Rafaeli, E., & Ickes, W. (2017). Empathic accuracy and relationship satisfaction: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Family Psychology, 31(6), 742–752. https://doi/10.1037/fam0000320
Schutte, N. S., Malouff, J. M., & Thorsteinsson, E. B. (2013). Increasing Emotional Intelligence through Training: Current Status and Future Directions. The International Journal of Emotional Education 5(1), 56-72.
Van Epp, J. (2008). How to Avoid Falling in Love With a Jerk: The Foolproof Way to Follow Your Heart Without Losing Your Mind. New York: McGraw-Hill.

 

4B3A0538editRian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
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Project Parent

How to Raise the Smartest Kid on the Block

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Written by Shirley Anderson
It’s no secret that test scores and grades don’t adequately convey a kid’s full intelligence. Intelligence comes in a wide variety of forms (ex. musical, logical, interpersonal, spatial, kinesthetic..etc.). An essential form of intelligence that is often overlooked is perhaps the most paramount to our child’s immediate and future success in life. I’m talking about emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand and express our emotions in healthy ways (Mayer, 2004). And as it turns out, ‘raising the smartest kid on the block’ has less to do with our children’s talents and abilities and more to do with how we as parents respond to their emotions and foster healthy expression.

Responding to Our Kid’s Emotions

Renowned psychologist John Gottman explains there are four ways in which parents typically respond to their children’s emotions. Which parental response do you most identify with? You will likely relate to each response style at different times depending on the situation, location and the age of your child. Click here to learn more about the impact each response style has on children.
1. The Dismissive Parent feels out of control and uses distraction techniques rather than addressing the emotion; sees negative emotions as their own personal failure as a parent and will do just about anything to quickly change the child’s emotion to a positive one.
Ex. “If you stop yelling you can have this piece of candy.” or “Shhhhh! Stop crying! Do you want to watch a show on Mommy’s phone?”
2. The Disapproving Parent is overly concerned with discipline and how to ‘manage’ their child’s negative emotions without being concerned as to why the child is feeling the way they do. These parents are often judgmental, critical and controlling.
Ex. “Why are you so upset? This is not a big deal! You always do this right before we have to leave!”
3. The Laissez-Faire Parent waits for the child to ‘get over it’ and ride out their emotions with no guidance as to an appropriate way to express themselves; sets no limits on behavior and is extremely permissive.
Ex. “Cry it out. You’re fine.” or “You’ll get over it [allows child to continue doing whatever they are doing].”
4. The Emotion Coach sees negative emotions as an opportunity to teach problem-solving skills and empathize with their child. They set limits on behavior and help children find appropriate ways to express their emotions.

 

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Photo from pexels.com

Becoming an Emotion Coach

It’s no surprise that the ‘emotion coach’ is the ideal response to best foster our children’s emotional IQ. If this hasn’t been modeled for you in your family of origin or doesn’t come naturally to you in moments of stress and frustration, be kind to yourself! It’s all about practice. Here are a few important steps to help you become the emotion coach your child needs.
  • Help child identify the emotion – It’s a valuable skill for our children to learn what emotions ‘look like’ so they can recognize it in themselves and others. Verbally explain the reasons why you can see they are feeling sad, frustrated, embarrassed…etc. Then of course, ask them to tell you about it. Even if you already know the answer, let them tell you in their own words. Ask why the child feels the way they do and then listen. Really listen.
Ex. “You look angry. I can see that your body is tense and your face is turning red. Why are you feeling angry?” or “You look kind of sad today. You’re hanging your head down and you don’t want to do any of your favorite things. Why are you feeling sad?”
  • Validate child’s feelings – It’s deeply important for us as adults to feel validated in our emotions and children are no different. They deserve the same compassion and understanding that we so often seek.
Ex. “I’m so sorry you feel sad. If my toy got broken I would feel really sad too.” or “I can see why this situation is so frustrating for you. How can I do things differently next time?”  
  • Appropriate emotional expression – Accepting our children’s feelings does not mean accepting their behavior. It’s important to remind our children that just because they feel a certain way, doesn’t make it okay to.. hit, lie, yell, kick, say unkind things…etc. Help your child choose an appropriate emotional response and offer suggestions if they find it difficult. This can be a fun activity to do together! Make it a game by thinking of silly but practical ways to express themselves. Do they like yelling in their pillow or hitting the couch cushions? How about running around the house or yelling outside? Emotional expression is unique and doesn’t need to be conventional.
Ex. “I understand that you are/were angry. But yelling and hitting is not okay. How else can you show your frustration next time?” or “Something that helps me feel better when I’m frustrated is to take a few minutes to be alone or take deep breaths.” or “Have you tried dancing crazy to your favorite song? I know it sounds silly but it helps me remember that I won’t feel frustrated forever.”
  • Be your child’s emotional role model – The best way to help your child navigate their own emotions is to develop your own emotional intelligence! How do you respond to feelings of sadness, anger or guilt? What can you do differently today? The more comfortable you are with expressing your feelings, the more comfortable you will be as you teach your children to do the same. Utilize your mistakes as a tool to teach your children that you’re working on expressing yourself too.
Ex. “I was feeling really frustrated today but that didn’t make it okay to raise my voice. I’m so sorry. Will you forgive me?”
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Photo from pexels.com
Parents who choose to become an emotion coach will cultivate children with higher self-esteem, higher achievement, better impulse control and delayed gratification. Their children will get along well with others, require less discipline and even have fewer infectious illness (Gottman, 1998). The benefits are endless! As we strive to become the emotion coach our kids need, our children will be able to better recognize and express their emotions and truly be the smartest kid on the block.

Personal Practice 1

Think of a recurring situation when your child struggles to express their emotions in an appropriate way and plan how you can be a good emotional coach the next time it happens.

References

Eloranta, S. J., Kaltiala, R., Lindberg, N., Kaivosoja, M., & Peltonen, K. (2020). Validating measurement tools for mentalization, emotion regulation difficulties and identity diffusion among finnish adolescents. Nordic Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/19012276.2020.1863852
Gottman, J. & DeClaire, J. (1998). Raising an emotionally intelligent child: The heart of parenting. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Mayer, John D., “What is Emotional Intelligence?” (2004). UNH Personality Lab. 8. Retrieved from https://scholars.unh.edu/personality_lab/8
Yule, K., Murphy, C., & Grych, J. (2020). Adaptive functioning in high-risk preschoolers: Caregiver practices beyond parental warmth. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 29(1), 115–127. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1007/s10826-019-01660-w

 

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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
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