Cover photo by Anne Healey Photography
Written by Mark Gordon
I should probably start by telling how my wife Rian and I met. On a whim, we both tried out for a local community theater production of “Les Miserables.” We were both cast in the ensemble. I was a nasty sailor, she was a prostitute. It was meant to be. I noticed immediately how crystal clear and spot on her voice was during our rehearsal. I’ve never heard her hit a wrong note to this day. She was also hysterical. Stunning girls who aren’t afraid to look ridiculous flopping around onstage are the most attractive, by the way. Needless to say she took a chance on me, and four years later we are now married with a terrific little baby.
Let me preface this post by saying I am in no way an authority on the subject of mental illness. What I share here are simply experiences from my own life in learning about and learning to love someone who struggles with anxiety and depression. If something I share here resonates with you and you’re willing to give it a shot, then go for it!
#1 Be willing to learn (ask questions!)
In our first couple of conversations while we were getting to know each other (and making “goo goo eyes”), it eventually came up that Ri had come home early from serving an LDS mission due to anxiety and depression. Let me first say how brave this was of her to share that with a guy she hardly knew. She wanted to be upfront and honest. She was not worried that she would come across as “broken” or “not strong enough” or a dozen other incorrect labels we place on individuals with mental illness. There was a lot of trust shown on her end. Over the years prior, I had developed an attitude that a lot of mental illnesses could be solved by simply “getting over it” or just pushing through. I didn’t grow up in a home where any of us really struggled with these things (although I’ve since learned that my grandmother battled bi-polar disorder her whole life). I was so head-over-heels for this girl, though, I was willing to give up what I thought I already “knew” about the subject and undergo a paradigm shift. I sincerely wanted to know how things were for her. How did she feel when she had a panic attack? What set things off? What coping mechanisms did she have? How did she come to accept that it was something she struggled with? The more questions I asked, the more I learned, and the more I could try and understand. If you want to love someone more, learn more about them. Let your love motivate you to ask questions. They won’t be offended if you’re coming from a sincere place. You’ll grow closer together as a result.
#2 Don’t treat them as “fragile”
Nobody wants to be thought of as a crazy person who could break down at any second. When it comes to building a relationship with someone who struggles with mental illness, there shouldn’t be a “walking on eggshells” mentality. That’s not good for either of you. If anything, that just makes those with mental illness more nervous and unable to be themselves. In our relationship, that has been the most important thing to my wife – she feels she can always be herself around me. We can go out and have a good time doing pretty much anything (except whistling… she can’t whistle to save her life!). We have developed good enough communication over time that if I sense something might be triggering her anxiety, we’ll take a break and go sit quietly at a park, or take a cuddle break for a bit. But we never let those things control our lives. There’s something to be said for the old English WWII sign “Keep Calm and Carry On”. Don’t worry about the next potential “bomb of distress” that may go off. Be prepared for them (that’s where your “calm” will come from.), but still go out and live your life.
#3 Serve them
Now, inevitably, those “bombs of distress” will hit your loved one. However, it is possible to prepare for those times. In our many conversations, Rian has learned about and told me what she needs during a low point. Taking a walk, or being held sitting on a couch focusing on her breathing, to name a few (for some people it can be the opposite – they don’t like any physical contact – so just be sure to learn what works for your loved one). Whatever the remedy is for each episode, I always try to keep things calm. When the distress finally passes, it often leaves Rian completely exhausted. Foot rubs, massages, making a meal for her, playing her favorite music or putting on a movie she likes are all helpful things that allow her to decompress. I love doing these things for her. I realize that if you have a larger family, it’s not as easy to take time to do these things. Panic attack’s don’t arrive at convenient times. But whenever they do occur, I try to find some way to serve my sweetheart (even if it’s just a phone to call check-in because I’m stuck at work). In our relationship in general, I’ve tried to follow the wise council Merlin gave to King Arthur in regards to his relationship with Queen Guinevere: “Love her. Simply love her.”
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer
