I can picture it so clearly in my mind. I’m about 14 and sitting in the Sunday school class for teenage girls. We are having one of many lessons on chastity, specifically waiting until marriage to have sex. I’m curious, but uncomfortable.
The teacher, doing the best she knows how to help us avoid pre-marital sex, passes a rose around the room. She asks us all to touch the petals, to rub them between our fingers, as we hold the flower. Slowly, as the rose passes from hand to hand, the petals start to wilt and pull from the stem. The oil from our hands and the pressure from the rubbing leaves the petals looking tired and misshapen.
And then, the metaphor comes. The rose, as you can guess, was compared to us, the young group of girls huddled in the small room. Having sex before marriage, we were taught, would make us like the worn, misshapen rose. We would be dirty and used and unclean.
Not all of us got the detrimental rose lesson (thank heavens). But most of us who grew up in a conservative religion likely heard similar messages at some point. Parents, teachers, and youth leaders did the best they knew how to help us wait until marriage to have sex. Unfortunately, the fear-based approach to sexual education, combined with other factors, has left many individuals struggling with sexual guilt even after marriage (Peterson, 1964). In fact, research has found that religious individuals, especially religious women, experience higher levels of sexual guilt compared to their non-religious peers (Emmers-Sommer et al., 2018; Leonhardt et al., 2020).
For individuals who have internalized the message that sex is sinful and dirty, the transition into sexual activity with marriage is challenging. They struggle to enjoy sex with their spouse and experience feelings of shame and discomfort when they try, an experience described by Dr. Laura M. Brotherson as “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.”
Dr. Brotherson created an assessment to measure one’s experience with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome.” Here are a few of the items she provides, which users rate themselves on a scale from 0 (none) to 10 (a lot):
Underlying belief that sex is bad, wrong, dirty or sinful.
Inability to relax and let go fully within the sexual experience.
Unnecessary/inappropriate inhibitions, guilt, shame or awkwardness associated with sexual relations within marriage.
Do any of these statements describe your current experience with sex? Do you struggle to engage in and enjoy your sexual relationship with your spouse because of sexual guilt?
If so, there is good news and not-so-good news. The good news is that this is something that you can change. Our beliefs and thoughts are malleable, thank heavens, and we can change the way that we view sex. The not-so-good news is that, if you don’t work to make those changes, your relationship will likely suffer. In fact, researchers have found that sexual guilt is directly associated with lower sexual satisfaction (Leonhardt et al., 2020). In other words, if you feel guilty about sex, you are going to have a more difficult time enjoying it with your spouse.
The first step in addressing sexual guilt is recognizing that the guilt is stemming from your beliefs about sex. If you’re struggling with “good girl syndrome” or “good boy syndrome,” that is an indication that at least part of you still believes that sex is wrong, dirty, or sinful. Once you recognize that, you can start to make adjustments in those beliefs. Here are a few things that I would recommend you do as you work to shift negative beliefs about sex:
Spend some time identifying what negative beliefs about sex you are holding on to. Journaling will be your best friend in this process. Write down any negative thoughts or ideas about sex that come to your mind. And then, decide if you want to keep holding on to any of the beliefs that you have written down.
Write down more positive, faith-based beliefs about sex that you can work to incorporate into your belief system. Things like, “Sex, sexual desires, and sexual pleasure are gifts from God,” “Sex is a way for me to express and experience love with my spouse,” and “God wants me to enjoy sex.” You can use these and add to them or just come up with some on your own. Make sure that your statements are based in faith and truth, rather than fear. Read these statements often as you work to exchange them for your previous, negative beliefs.
Seek out faith- and research-based resources to learn about healthy sexual relationships. As you learn more about sexual desire, functioning, and pleasure, you will gain confidence in your sexual relationship with your spouse. The book “The Great Sex Rescue” by Sheila Wray Gregoire and her co-authors is one of the best resources I have found for understanding and working through religious sexual guilt.
Changing your beliefs about sex will likely take some time, but it will be so worth it. There is so much potential for joy, connection, pleasure, and love in your sexual relationship with your spouse. As you work to make shifts in your beliefs about and feelings towards sex, you will open yourself up to more of that potential.
I’m sorry if, like me, you were taught lessons and heard messages that contributed to your negative beliefs about sex. But we are not wilted roses. We are not chewed up gum. We are human beings who are working to create happy, healthy, mutually pleasurable sexual relationships in our marriage.
And that, my friends, is a very good thing.
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
References
Brotherson, L. M. (2015). And they were not ashamed: Strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Inspire Book.
Leonhardt, N. D., Busby, D. M., & Willoughby, B. J. (2020). Sex guilt or sanctification? The indirect role of religiosity on sexual satisfaction. Psychology of Religion and Spirituality, 12(2), 213.
Emmers-Sommer, T. M., Allen, M., Schoenbauer, K. V., & Burrell, N. (2018). Implications of sex guilt: A meta-analysis. Marriage & Family Review, 54, 417– 437.
Peterson, J. A. (1964). Education for marriage (2nd ed.). New York, NY: Scribner
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and The Christian Sex Educator. Originally from Middle of Nowhere, Idaho, she now lives in Vermont with her husband Dallin and their cat Maple. Carlie is a lover of baked goods, volleyball, long naps, and kind humans.
I made the daring choice to ignore the dismal box office numbers and went to see Dear Evan Hansen in the theater a few months ago. Despite harsh reviews, I found the production to be moving and I appreciated the complexity of the portrayed relationships. Evan’s mom, a single mother trying to provide for her family, made continual attempts to try to talk with and show her love for Evan, most of which were met with the typical cold-shouldered, short-answer responses one could expect from a teenager. Evan’s character is depicted as a high schooler facing intense mental health issues, the suicide of a peer, positives and negatives of social media, and other struggles with fitting in. The challenges he faces impeccably illustrate the myriad of difficulties that face modern teenagers in high school. The movie demonstrates that now more than ever, it’s important for parents to be involved in their teenagers’ lives. But how can parents be a part of their teens’ lives when their teens shut down in the same way Evan does when his mother tries to connect with him? Here are 5 things you can practice when connecting and communicating with your teen.
Have you ever felt helpless trying to get your child to open up to you? Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the defeat that follows a well-intentioned question shot down by your teen.
Dr. Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist who shares parenting tips on social media, made a video about common short-answer child-parent exchanges (it’s not just you!)
Dr. Cohen reminds her audience that children spend their entire day learning, working, and experiencing new things at school (2021). She recommends helping your child to “break down their big experience in a more detailed and balanced way” by asking specific questions (Cohen, 2021).
Instead of asking your teenagers general questions about their day when they come home, try asking specific questions like, “What did you have for lunch today?” or “Did your quirky science teacher say anything funny in class?” This approach can help your teens open up and give you more information about their day.
Sometimes asking questions in general is too much for our teens. Having other ways to connect with children can be helpful to check-in with them emotionally.
Find Your “Taco Tuesday”.
In one scene of the movie, Evan’s mother fails to connect with Evan until she invites him to do “Taco Tuesday” with her. Evan’s face lights up and he responds more genuinely to his mom’s attempts to connect than he previously had. While no background is given, it’s discernable to viewers that Taco Tuesday has been an enjoyable and connective tradition between the two of them in the past.
When words are failing, you might try finding ways to simply spend time with your teen to connect with them. Many child-therapists and counselors recommend using art as a way for children to feel comfortable enough to share about their difficulties (Patterson & Hayne, 2011). While your teenagers might cringe if you ask them to sit down and paint with you (unless painting is their thing), you might be able to engage in other art-related interests of your teens such as visiting an art museum, decorating cookies, or trying out a new art trend featured on TikTok.
In addition, you might try spending time doing other things your teen enjoys. For instance, recent research is supporting joint media engagement — where parents participate in video games, watching a show, or scrolling through social media with their child. Joint media engagement can increase family connectedness (Padilla-Walker et al., 2012).
For many parents, the thought of trying to understand how to play Fortnite or watch the latest Avengers series on DisneyPlus might feel like a waste of time. However, setting aside time to be with your child, fully engaged in something they enjoy, can go further than you may imagine. Spend time doing things your teens enjoy to create space for easier transition topics that your teens want to talk about or that you want to discuss with your teens. Doing so will create shared experiences and increase the vulnerability and connection in your relationship.
Connection can also be built by being intentionally involved in your child’s schoolwork and activities. However, keep in mind that teenagers seek independence, and too much involvement can create division between parent and child. The sweet spot is when a parent can encourage their teen to work through difficult homework problems, offer help when the teen doesn’t understand, and promote developmental learning instead of fixed learning (Berkowitz et al., 2017).
A developmental learning mindset is the idea that knowledge is acquired and not a natural talent. Help your teens to see that they can learn hard things with comments such as “you’ve worked hard to understand this concept” and avoiding comments such as “you’re so smart.” This approach can strengthen your connection and help build your teen’s confidence.
You might find built-in opportunities to strengthen connection with your teens through routines that already exist or are easy to start. In my early teens, my parents introduced a new dinner ritual, inventively named “good and bad.” The game, as simple as the title, consisted of every person at the table sharing one good thing and one bad thing that happened in their lives during the day. Or, if you were in an especially sour phase of life as I was at 13, sharing two “bads” was an acceptable way to participate. This ritual allowed my parents a glimpse into how my siblings and I were faring emotionally, regardless of our desire to talk in depth with them.
While connecting with your teenagers may often feel like an impossible task, you can rely on the traditions and rituals you already have. Holidays, birthdays, and other special celebrations can provide opportunities for connection with your teenager that differ from the day-to-day connections that your teens are less receptive to. These events can bring up nostalgic, positive memories your teens remember, and open the gate to new memories being made. Asking your teens what they love most about these traditions and being sure to incorporate them will help your teens to feel that their opinions matter and recognize your love and care in a special way.
When It Doesn’t Work, Try Again.
On the days, weeks, and even years where you feel you just cannot get your teen to connect with you, don’t give up hope. Remember to ask specific questions, engage in things they enjoy, show your teens support while honoring their independence, and connect over rituals and traditions. In the movie, when Evan was at a breaking point, his mother was there. She assured him she would always be there when he needed her. (She expressed this through song, which isn’t necessarily required to get the point across, but points for style!) While teens may do everything in their power to distance themselves from you, when push comes to shove, they will know they can count on you. Keep trying; your efforts mean more to them than you know.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
References
Berkowitz, T., Schaeffer, C. S., Rozek, S., Beilock, S. L., & Levine, S. C. (2017). The parent connection. Psychologist, 30(9), 28-32.
Padilla‐Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Fraser, A. M. (2012). Getting a high‐speed family connection: Associations between family media use and family connection. Family Relations, 61(3), 426-440.
Siggie Cohen [@dr.siggie]. (2021, September 1). Who can relate? You pick up your child from school eager to hear how their day went. You excitedly [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTSuTUmhNva/
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
“Our selfishness will condemn us to the worst suffering that we ourselves have invented – loneliness.” – Paulo Coelho
This time of year evokes a more selfless spirit for many of us. Something about the Thanksgiving and Christmas seasons make us feel appreciative, or make us think that’s what we should be feeling. This got me curious to compare and understand trends in selfishness over time. There are studies suggesting baby boomers are the most selfish, and others blaming the millennials for our entitled world (Martin & Roberts, 2021). Social theorists may argue selfish behavior is entirely dependent on human rights availability (Nye, 2013). There are myriad explanations.
Regardless, the literature is discrepant. You could argue and find evidence that each decade contains the most heartless people. The truth is selfishness is a human experience irrelevant of time or circumstance. It’s always existed and likely always will. Rather than focus on who or what’s to blame, why not increase our efforts toward altruistic solutions? Perhaps a practice of gratitude? Gratitude is one of our most effective tools to mitigate suffering (Brown, 2011). How is this achieved? The following describes three methods that will increase our gratitude. I suggest we remember them not only the last two months of the year but every day.
According to Buddhist philosophy, suffering is the result of selfishness (Salcido, 2020). Christianity would say to seek not our own, but the welfare ofothers (King James Bible). And even those without a religious or spiritual lens feel frustrated from the selfish behaviors of others. Not only that, but we make ourselves lonely when we focus only on ourselves. Think about it, if you’re the only one on your mind, do you have room to consider others? If you only live for yourself, how can you cultivate relationships?
The fact is, the self is illusive. Why obsess over something as complex and ever changing as our ideas of who we are? I’m not suggesting that we think less of ourselves, but that we think about ourselves less. How can we do this? Be aware. I don’t mean increasing our awareness of who we think we are. Often this just feeds the ego. I mean increasing awareness of our experience. This requires noticing and being curious of the present, without judging it. Let me illustrate the difference.
Imagine someone stole from you. Your thoughts could be, “I would never do something like that” or “Of course this happened to me, I must have a target on my back.” Whether self deprecating or self inflating, thoughts like these exacerbate our predetermined ideas of the self and bring with them feelings of anger and shame. We are essentially asking ourselves, “What does this experience mean about me?” This questioning comes from a mind that still believes we matter most, we should be invincible, and we should not have to suffer but only feel good. Because this way of thinking is not realistic, another option is to think differently. You may say to yourself, “This is disappointing” or “I wonder if those that stole were desperate?” You’re likely to feel sadness but emotionally recover quicker. Consequently, you may feel peace for letting go. This focus is more in the here and now. It accepts reality and keeps our focus on what is rather than what or who is to blame. To practice acceptance, I suggest learning more about mindfulness (Eberth & Sedlmeier, 2012) and daily meditation. And when we are not cross legged on the floor, how can we take our intentions away from the egoic self and toward compassion for others and our experience?
Much of our selfishness and suffering is not in what we do and say, but in our thinking. The thoughts we choose to focus on have a great impact on our reality. Are many of your thoughts filled with criticism and comparison? These are often created when we attempt to control others or our experience. Managing our minds requires intentional work against cognitive distortions like mind reading. Mind reading is jumping to conclusions. It occurs when you believe you know what another person is thinking. You define what other people’s reasons are for doing what they do. This is done purely out of assumptions and generally with no physical evidence. We fail to acknowledge other possibilities because our thoughts make sense to us, therefore they must be “true” or “valid.”
We often read minds when we’re afraid and would like to change the outcome (Strohmeier, 2016). Our motive is to change the circumstance merely because we feel uncomfortable. It is selfish to not let others think, do, and be as they’d like. Assuming is self-inflicted anxiety. Now, don’t tell yourself you’re bad for falling into this habit: we all do this! Remember to be aware and accept the moment it for what it is.
Now, how do we repair our distorted thinking? Essentially being unassuming requires humility: a firm acknowledgement that we don’t know everything, nor can we. We burn up a lot of energy believing we need answers in order to feel okay. What if the reverse was true? Perhaps we need to choose to be okay in order to find answers. So, how do we increase our knowing? Try the following:
Ask yourself the following questions: “Are there times when this isn’t true?” “What is another way of looking at this?” “Is this thought helpful?” “Would I rather be right, or happy?”
Use statements of gratitude as a way to try on new thoughts. For example, I might think, “I’m a bad person” and replace it with, “I’m grateful for when I mess up. It’s great feedback for becoming the person I really want to be!”
The brain is plastic. And because of this, our behavior is too. We are capable of thinking less about ourselves and more of others when we increase awareness, accept reality, and stop assuming. Let’s practice gratitude for our capacity to think more of others and less about ourselves.
This Week:
1. Be aware. Ask yourself “What am I telling myself?” “What am I choosing to make that mean about me?” “What emotion has arrived as a result of my thinking?” “Where do I feel that in my body?”
2. Be accepting. Speak compassion to yourself for the awareness you’ve gained. Give that same compassion to those around you, and practice giving others the benefit of the doubt.
3. Be unassuming. Remind yourself “I don’t know what other people are thinking.” Bring your thoughts to the evidence in front of you rather than what you think might be happening.
4. And most importantly: Be grateful! Be grateful for change. Be grateful for the past, present and future. Be grateful for what pain makes possible! And be grateful for the richness of your life. Intentionally choose to see it.
References
Brown, B., Hernandez, V. R., & Villarreal, Y. (2011). Connections: A 12-session psychoeducational shame resilience curriculum.
Eberth, J., & Sedlmeier, P. (2012). The effects of mindfulness meditation: A meta-analysis. Mindfulness, 3(3), 174-189.
King James Bible. (2008). Oxford University Press. (Original work published 1769)
Martin, G., & Roberts, S. (2021). Exploring legacies of the baby boomers in the twenty-first century. The Sociological Review, 00380261211006326.
Nye, A. (2013). Feminist theory and the philosophies of man. Routledge.
Strohmeier, C. W., Rosenfield, B., DiTomasso, R. A., & Ramsay, J. R. (2016). Assessment of the relationship between self-reported cognitive distortions and adult ADHD, anxiety, depression, and hopelessness. Psychiatry research, 238, 153-158.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative, life’s work.
Opinion Piece Written by Leslie Campos of Well Parents with Introduction by Rian Gordon
Because of today’s highly divisive and antagonistic socio-political climate, it is more important now than ever that our children learn how to engage in their communities in a positive and healing way. One possibility for this is through service and community volunteering. Volunteering is associated with a wide variety of benefits for both individuals and communities. These benefits include higher levels of empathy, emotional regulation, and moral reasoning (Metzger et al., 2018), and a collective sense of belonging (Gray & Stevenson, 2020). Furthermore, research suggests that parents play an important role in young people’s volunteering habits since children learn civic engagement and responsibility from their parents (White, 2021). Because of this, I was thrilled when Leslie reached out to me with these suggestions for family volunteering opportunities. I invite you to consider her suggestions as well as brainstorm with your family how you can use your unique perspectives, talents, and skills to get involved in making this world and your community a better place!
Do Good Together
Giving back is better when you do it together. Whether it’s banding together with neighbors to clean up litter or recruiting friends for a charity 5K, there’s something special about building community while improving the community. Positive leadership requires a commitment to optimism and the ability to collaborate with others.
My favorite way to get involved is to do it as a family. Seeing the pride in a child’s face when he knows he’s made a difference is nothing short of magical, and it’s a great way to reinforce the values you hold as a family.
Photo by Migs Reyes from Pexels
Since many organizations only accept volunteers age 16 and older, it can be challenging to find charitable work your whole family can get involved in. Rather than hunting for organizations that can accommodate you, why not create your own volunteer opportunities? Here are a few ideas I love.
If you live in anything but the tiniest of towns, there’s a good chance there are people living without homes right in your community. While we tend to have a lot of assumptions about why people are homeless, one thing is indisputable: People without homes are living much harder lives than we are.
Your family can make a difference in the lives of homeless community members by distributing care packages. Stock care packages with items that are highly portable, like socks, bandaids, baby wipes, a toothbrush, feminine hygiene products, and trail mix. It’s best to avoid mouthwash or hand sanitizer that contains alcohol.
2. Plant a Row for the Hungry
It’s common for backyard gardeners to end up with more produce than they can eat. Giving the excess to neighbors is a friendly gesture, but you can make a bigger impact by planting an entire garden row for food-insecure community members.
Before you start planning your garden, call your local food pantry to make sure they can accept donated food. Then, all you have to do is plant and tend your garden until harvest time and bring your haul to the donation site! Your kids will love learning about fresh fruits and vegetables, and you’ll know your hard work helped other families put a healthy dinner on their table.
3. Donate Your Excess
Are your kids’ closets bursting at the seams with toys they haven’t touched in months? What about your own closet or the garage and attic? Most of us hold onto belongings thinking we’ll use them some day, but that clutter could be doing good somewhere else.
Donating your lightly used items to charity is a great way to make a difference and declutter your home at the same time. Get your kids involved by asking them to collect toys, books, and clothes they no longer use, and do the same in your storage areas. Rather than dropping things off at the closest thrift store, some of which might be for-profit stores, consider donating to a domestic violence shelter or a thrift store owned and operated by a nonprofit.
4. Host a Pet Food Drive
Most kids adore pets, but unfortunately, animal shelters typically only accept adult volunteers due to the risks of working with animals. But just because you can’t volunteer at the shelter doesn’t mean you and your kids can’t make a difference for pets in need.
Help your kids organize a pet food drive for a local animal shelter or pet food pantry. Local pet stores are great sites for a one-day drive; the store benefits from increased business, and donors have a convenient way to contribute. While a manned booth is the best way to generate excitement, you can also solicit donations by placing collection bins at your church, community center, school, or office. Check out these tips from Best Friends Animal Society for more advice on organizing a pet food drive.
While making a difference is a worthy cause, that’s not the only reason to volunteer as a family. Getting involved in charitable work as a family is also a great way to instill strong values in your children. And as busy as we all are, taking the time to lead by example is always worthwhile.
Sit down with your family and brainstorm together ways that you can volunteer in your community. Write down a list of needs in your community. Then write down a list of your individual and family strengths. How can your strengths help meet the needs of your community? Make a plan to serve together!
References
Gray, D., & Stevenson, C. (2020). How can “we” help? Exploring the role of shared social identity in the experiences and benefits of volunteering. Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 30(4), 341–353. https://doi.org/10.1002/casp.2448
Metzger, A., Alvis, L.M., Oosterhoff, B., Babskie, E., Syvertsen, A., & Wray-Lake, L. (2018). The intersection of emotional and sociocognitive competencies with civic engagement in middle childhood and adolescence. Journal of Youth and Adolescence, 47, 1663–1683. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-018-0842-5
White, E. S. (2021). Parent values, civic participation, and children’s volunteering. Children and Youth Services Review, 127, 106115–. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.childyouth.2021.106115
A busy mom herself, Leslie Campos has dedicated her site Wellparents.com to all the moms and dads out there searching for ideas on being physically and emotionally well. She loves to practice yoga, CrossFit and watch The Great British Baking show when not working or running her children to various after school activities.
Sonja Lyubormirsky (what a last name, right?) Is one of the world’s leading researchers in happiness. Among the scientific approaches she suggests for well-being is a simple remedy that may sound familiar to you – Gratitude. In her book, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want, she writes: “Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented.”
The science of gratitude, although modern in its pretext, has been around for centuries. In the heart of the Roman Empire, Cicero’s insight echoes through the centuries. Famous for his eloquent observations and timeless philosophy he wrote, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
This is quite a statement coming from Ancient Rome, where the acquirement of virtues had become so ingrained, they were virtually obsessed – pun intended. In fact, our English word for Virtue originates from an ancient Roman word, Virtus. “It [was said to carry] connotations of valor, manliness, excellence, courage, character, and worth,” Romans even went as far as to personify Virtus as deity.
For Cicero to claim that gratitude was the parent of all virtues was not only bold, but also incredibly instructive. To parent in this context means to bring into being, it is the source and the origin, that which produces. In other words, Cicero is saying that gratitude is not only a good habit, but also the cultivator of all character.
A study done at the University of Miami entitled “Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life” (Emmons & McCullough, 2003) may give us some important insight. During this ingenious study, the researchers, Emmons and McCullough, decided to put gratitude to the test with two groups of college students. The first group was told to take time at the end of the day to write down at least 5 blessings, the other group was instructed to write down 5 hassles. The results? The students who took time to think about their blessings at the end of the day reported several amazing benefits as compared to the other group, including but not limited to:
motivation to exercise
fewer physical symptoms and less illness
overall positive feelings about life
deeper connection with others
more optimism about the coming week
If this simple practice could provide such significant improvements in such a short amount of time, just imagine how much of a difference gratitude can make when applied generously and consistently!
Another earth-shattering study on gratitude called “To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds” (Gordon et al., 2012) teaches us that gratitude is not only important for maintaining close relationships, but it also nourishes them and helps them to blossom. Without gratitude, interpersonal relationships are left without sufficient motivation, and they quickly wither and die. On the other hand, gratitude is the glue that holds a relationship together. Contrary to common belief, gratitude is more effective than criticism in allowing relationships to flourish.
Gratitude enriches our lives and ennobles our relationships. It brings motivation to the present moment and allows us to see others deeply. Gratitude is powerful because it pushes the present to its greatest depths of potential and instills hope in the future. Although I am not perfect at it, I have seen the miraculous effects of gratitude in my own life. As I strive to see the positive and bring out the good in others, my friendships are sweeter, my personal growth is proliferated, and my life is endowed with meaning. When it comes to gratitude, I stand with Cicero, “Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all others.”
Take a moment every day to tell those close to you that you love them and why.
Create a gratitude journal and write about the blessings in your life!
Next time something goes really wrong (which we all know happens way too often), try and find the silver lining. Look for the beauty amidst the chaos.
Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality & Social Psychology, 84(2), 377–389. https://doi.org/10.1037//0022-3514.84.2.377
Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To have and to hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257–274. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0028723
Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). The how of happiness : A practical guide to getting the life you want. London Piatkus.
Zahn, R., Moll, J., Paiva, M., Garrido, G., Krueger, F., Huey, E. D., & Grafman, J. (2009). The Neural Basis of Human Social Values: Evidence from Functional MRI. Cerebral Cortex (New York, NY), 19(2), 276–283. https://doi.org/10.1093/cercor/bhn080
Take some time this week to identify your own feelings about sex. What negative and incorrect beliefs are you holding on to, and what steps can you take to start the process of unlearning them?
Carlie Palmer-Webb is a gender and sexuality researcher, entrepreneur, enthusiastic Jesus lover, hugger, and 
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
Dray Salcido
