Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

There is a lot that goes into a committed relationship, and whether you’re looking to move in together, or get married, there are some things that have to be talked about. It requires some vulnerability, but having these conversations before you jump in helps you get on the same page, avoid some big red flags, and stay committed. Research has shown that having these conversations predicts healthier long-term relationships (Johnson, 2008).

1. Insecurities and Fears

Have a conversation about what worries you about committing. What scares you the most about committing? Is anything giving you cold feet? It might be that your parents divorced, or maybe you’ve been cheated on before. It can be big or small, but by saying, “This makes me nervous to commit” makes a big difference because it puts it on the table for you and your partner to work through.

2. Finances

Finances are one of the top reasons couples divorce. Before committing, you should be upfront about your financial state, goals and expectations. Ask questions like:

Are you in debt?

How do you plan to save and spend money?

Will we have separate or joint bank accounts?

What will a budget look like?

These are just a few questions you can ask, but having a deep talk about finances will go a long way in helping you get on the same page. As your finances change, this topic will continue to come up.

3. Health

This one might seem a little more obvious, but health can impact relationships a lot. Be prepared to disclose your physical and mental health to your partner. You may not need to be so specific as mentioning how you broke your leg in second grade, but keeping something like bipolar disorder or anxiety or another mental illness from your partner can spell disaster. Besides, your partner wants to help you!

You may also want to discuss treatment. Different religions, cultures and even families have very different ideas about treating both mental and physical illnesses. Talk about your feelings about hospitals, medicine, homeopathic remedies, therapy, and even topics like natural pregnancy versus epidurals or c-sections, and assisted reproduction technologies such as In Vitro Fertilization, sperm and egg donation, and hormone treatments.

4. Addictions and Habits

We all have habits, and some of those habits might annoy our partner. Hopefully you have been dating long enough to have a good idea of your partner’s habits. It is important to make a distinction between addictions and habits. Sometimes we look at a habit and assume it is an addiction. That isn’t always the case. Regardless habits and addictions like viewing pornography, drug and alcohol use, video game use, and any other habits or addictions need to be disclosed by both you and your partner. Some of the things I mentioned may not bother you, depending on your background, especially if practiced in moderation, but that’s for you and your partner to decide.

At the end of the day, can you be a support or do you need to move on? Studies show that family and loved ones are some of the biggest supporters and aids in helping people overcome addictions; if your partner truly does have an addiction he/she is working on, your support is invaluable. Having said that, it is also important to maintain boundaries. Coping with a partner who is fighting an addiction is hard, and if you don’t want to enter a relationship with that added stress, it’s better to know before you take the next step.

5. Parenting

You may have very different ideas about this. Believe it or not, parenting is both a top reason people get divorced and a top reason people stay together, even if they are unhappy. It’s important to be on the same page. Ask questions like:

Do you envision yourself as a parent? How many kids? Are there things you feel strongly about regarding parenting? These could be things like child involvement in sports versus the arts, whether your children will attend public or private school or be homeschooled, if they will be raised in a specific religion, your feelings about corporal punishment, and other topics.

If you are starting a blended family, your questions may change, but this is still an important topic to go into.

6. Religion

If you and your partner attend different churches, or one of you is religious and the other is not, there can be some changes and adjustments. This puts stress on the relationship. Talk about that. How will you navigate your personal beliefs?

If you both belong to the same faith group, do you share a similar commitment to that religion? Couples who have vastly different levels of commitment to a given faith experience the same amount of stress as those who are of completely different faiths. Will you be highly involved in your religious community, or will your involvement be more casual? Again, that’s a decision for you and your partner to make, but it is important to come to an understanding.

What are the most and least important parts of that religion for you? If there is something spiritual or religious that is very important to you, that needs to be communicated. It can be anything from praying together, to where you will get married to frequency of church attendance. The point is, communicate about the things that matter to you.

7. Politics

Another thing to keep in mind is whether or not you and your partner have the same political views. Even if you belong to the same party, the differences in your specific opinions can surprise you. Or maybe one of you has no interest in politics and the other is an activist. While these may not be “deal breakers”, strong differences like these can add stress, and it will be a lot easier if you address these things and how to navigate them before you commit.

8. Sex

This might be the most important, especially if you have not yet been sexually active and are waiting for marriage. It’s important to understand that men and women have very different expectations when it comes to sex. Research has shown that men have sexual intimacy to feel emotional intimacy, but women engage in emotional intimacy to have sexual intimacy. Both men and women desire intimacy, and want to be sexually satisfied, but the expectations and needs are different (Brotherson, 2004). They can even differ from person to person.

What are your expectations and concerns? Are you embarrassed to be naked? What kinds of contraceptives, if any, will you use? What do you want most out of a sexual relationship?

If you are preparing for a sexual relationship, go into this with a sense of humor – it takes practice. Be willing to be vulnerable and awkward. It will get better. Also keep in mind, the most satisfied couples report that they have good sex 40-60% of the time, with exceptional sex 15-20% of the time. The other 20-40% of sex is average or below (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). Guess what? That’s okay! Have reasonable expectations! Your bodies don’t always work, and you or your partner may not always be as emotionally available. It’s not a bad thing – it’s normal.

One last thing about sex – this is not a one time conversation. Your sexual needs change as your relationship evolves, so keep communicating about this one.

Remember, you do not have to be the same! Different can be great. Just keep in mind that if some of these are too different, there can be a lot of friction, and it will be even more important to develop healthy communication skills and coping mechanisms. Remember that there are some things we just have to learn to live with. Other things may be red flags, and that can vary from person to person. Those decisions are up to you and your partner. Regardless, having these conversations sooner rather than later will help you create happier, healthier relationships.

References

Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “good-enough sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351-362. https://doi.org/10.1080/14681990601013492

National Healthy Marriage Resource Center “Discuss Finances Before Marriage”

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

Opinion Piece written by Rian Gordon

Let’s be honest, dating is HARD. And sometimes it can really stink! Navigating the dating pool in a world where expectations can be unrealistically high (have you SEEN those girls on the cover of Fashion magazine?), and where we are so much more used to communicating with an instant message than we are in person is intimidating and frustrating. However, there are some things that we can do to really improve our dating experiences, and that can help us in our journey towards creating and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Here are just a few:

1. Be courteous

When you are looking to ask someone out, take into consideration the preferences of the person that you are interested in. How would they like you to ask them out? (Do they want a phone call, would they like to be asked in person, would a text be okay, etc.? Click here for a fun article that goes through the pros and cons of making a phone call vs. texting.) What is their schedule like? What kind of date do they have time for? If you aren’t sure what the answer would be, ASK. Don’t feel like you have to over-analyze, but it helps to make a great impression when you have thought ahead about these things.

If you are the one being asked out, be sure to always be courteous in the way that you accept or turn down a date. It takes a lot of guts for someone to put themselves out there, so keep that in mind when you respond. Remember that “good things take time” (see our video “6 Aspects of a Healthy Relationship”), and you have to give someone a chance in order for something good to develop between you.

2. Be yourself

Authenticity is key! When we go on a date, we often worry that being ourselves will lead to some sort of rejection. “What if they don’t like me?” “What if I say something stupid?” “What if they don’t laugh at my jokes?” These are very valid fears, but think about it: the point of dating is to form meaningful relationships, and you are not going to want to have to pretend to be someone else for the rest of your life! Honesty is the best policy when it comes to getting to know someone on a date. Of course put your best foot forward, but don’t feel like you have to put on a show. If your date doesn’t wind up being interested, that’s okay! There will be someone else who appreciates you for who you are, and who will be more worth your time and energy.

P.S. This is how I knew that I wanted to marry my husband. I always felt safe to be myself around him, and because of that, I knew that he was interested in ME — not just someone that I was pretending to be. Being authentic is how the good stuff happens, people! Don’t sell yourself short by trying to be who you think someone wants you to be.

3. Be creative

Put some thought into your date activity beforehand, particularly if it’s a first date. Planning ahead really shows when it comes to taking someone out. It lets your date know that you care enough to think ahead, and to put some effort into helping them have a good time. On that note, think of something fun to do that your date would enjoy! You might be tempted to choose something that helps you feel the most comfortable, but when you focus on helping your date feel in their element, it puts them more at ease, helps them have more fun, and will help you make a great impression. Click here for some fun and inexpensive date ideas that are guaranteed to impress.

One more suggestion for making the date more fun and comfortable — put the phones away. We are so used to using our phones as a shield and pulling them out when we aren’t sure what to say or when we aren’t feeling a spark, but this can really sabotage our ability to connect at a more authentic level! Turning off your phone (or at least keeping it tucked away in your purse) shows your date that you are 100% present and that you care about what they have to offer you.

4. Be kind

Kindness is always the best policy, especially in a situation like a date where both of you are putting yourselves out there and feeling more vulnerable. Always be kind no matter what, but ESPECIALLY when you aren’t interested in taking the relationship any further. Rejection is tough — don’t make it tougher by being insensitive about it. Always be sure to thank your date for their time, and be honest in the way that you feel. Remember, avoiding the truth just to spare someone’s feelings is NOT being kind.

Following these four “Be’s” won’t guarantee that you’ll have guys or girls falling at your feet waiting for you to ask them out, but it can help you to have a more enjoyable and successful dating experience. Take responsibility for your own dating, and choose to be kind, creative, courteous, and your authentic self! For one bonus “Be”, remember to BE PATIENT. It takes time and effort to build successful relationships — even dating ones. If things don’t work out right away, keep trying. You are worth it.

Links

http://www.artofmanliness.com/2015/07/22/asking-a-woman-on-a-date-should-you-call-or-text/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M5VZtUo7a8&t=16s

http://www.ldsliving.com/50-Cheap-and-Fun-Date-Ideas/s/71670

Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.

Opinion Piece written by Sydney Tittle

What’s really getting in the way of your relationship?

A few months ago, I had a conversation about snapchat that completely changed the way I view trust. (For context… snapchat is a cell phone app that allows you to send short messages with pictures or videos. Each message lasts for 3-10 seconds. Once you have viewed the message, it disappears. Gone forever, never to be seen again.)

Now, at this point, you are probably wondering how I could possibly make a meaningful connection between snapchat and trust in our relationships. And to be honest, I don’t blame you, it is a little bit of a stretch…

Here’s the story…

I was lounging on the couch one evening, grilling a friend about the status of his relationship. For the sake of the story and to maintain anonymity, we will call him “John”. John and his lovely lady had been dating for a fair amount of time, and to me, things seemed to be going pretty well. Yet something was troubling him, I could tell, and the social scientist in me HAD to find the root of the issue! I can be quite relentless.

John’s girlfriend, “Jenny” is a beautiful socialite who is loved by many. She has a great following on social media, and can often be found snapchatting several different people – both guys and girls. As you can probably imagine, after quite some time dating, John expected that her frequent snapchat conversations with other guys would slow down or even stop. They hadn’t though, and it was really starting to get to him. To me, his concerns were definitely valid, but I had a hard time believing that snapchat was the real source of the problem.

“I just wish she would delete her snapchat!” He said in response to some probing question I had asked. “I think I would feel so much better if she just deleted it. I hate snapchat, and I don’t even get why people use it, it is so dumb!”

I could definitely feel the frustration, confusion and fear that he was experiencing, and I desperately wanted to get to the real core of the issue. After a few moments of processing it finally clicked.

“John, it’s NOT about snapchat.” I said, probably cutting him off in the middle of his snapchat rant.

“Snapchat is not what is really bothering you. Think about it, you have had a few experiences in your life that have made it difficult for you to trust the girls you date. Snapchat is the trigger, not the cause of what you are feeling. It’s not about snapchat, it’s about trust.”

From that point on, I have thought frequently about the power of trust in our relationships. As I spoke about in our “six aspects of a healthy relationship” post and video, trust is the number one most desirable quality looked for in a partner.

Taking a closer look at trust

Trust or mistrust can surface in many different ways. In John’s case, the fear and lack of trust manifested itself in frustration geared toward a silly phone app. But deleting the app wasn’t going to solve the REAL issue at hand. Where there is a lack of trust, seemingly small decisions can quickly turn into catastrophic events if we don’t take a step back and think about the real source of what we are feeling. So what do we do? How do we recognize the amount of trust that we have, and build the trust that we are lacking in our relationships?

Leading relationship researcher, John Gottman describes (in the video I will link below) how to build trust in our relationships. I wanted to finish this post with some of John Gottman’s “trust building” ideas and an acronym he created to help us remember these points. I encourage you to think about and practice these things often in your relationships.

The word of the day is ATTUNE

The dictionary definition of attune is to “make receptive or aware, or to make harmonious.” This to me, is a perfect word to remember when it comes to building trust.

Awareness of your partner’s emotion

Turning toward the emotion

Tolerance of two different viewpoints

Understanding your partner

Non-defensive responses to your partner

Empathy in your responses

Good things take time 

As we take the steps to “ATTUNE” to our partner, we will need to be patient and open about the timing and results. Remember, good things take time. If trust is what you want, then you are going to have to work to earn your partner’s trust and then seek it for yourself. Keep your promises and their secrets. Make sure to communicate often, and in person. Try to let down your walls and be vulnerable. Be forgiving and work on bettering yourself in healthy ways.

I promise that slowly but surely, your relationship will begin to transform, and you will realize just as I did, that “it’s not about snapchat.”

Links

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal

https://www.gottman.com/blog/trust/

References

Merriam-Webster (n.d.). Citation. In Merriam-Webster.com dictionary. Retrieved December 22, 2020, from https://​www.merriam-webster.com/​dictionary/​attune

Sydney Tittle is an Orem, Utah native. She has a passion for family life, social innovation, and anything creative. She is the second of five children, and loves spending time with friends and family. In August of 2017, she graduated from Brigham Young University with a bachelor’s degree in family studies.

Written by Aubrey-Dawn Palmer

While there are many elements of healthy relationships, and each partnership is different and unique, there are six basic components to a healthy relationship. These six aspects, backed by research, provide a strong foundation for creating and maintaining healthy romantic relationships. Couples who implement these six aspects are much more likely to have long-term, satisfying relationships.

1. Share Responsibility for the Success of the Relationship

First, we must begin by assuming full responsibility for our relationship.  Relationships are not a 50-50 split. Each partner must contribute 100% – the very best they have to give. When each partner contributes this kind of effort, they increase the likelihood that their relationship will be healthy and long-lasting. Even when partners make mistakes, disagree, or are going through hard times, problems are more easily solved.

One way to start sharing responsibility more evenly is to shift “I-You” conversations to “We-Us” conversations. For example, if your partner loves to spend money and doesn’t always stick to a budget, they are responsible for that. But saying “You have a money problem” is not accurate because you too will feel the effects of those poor spending choices. Changing your statement to “We have a money problem” says that you are in the relationship 100% and committed to working through those challenges. Alternatively “I need a new car” is different than “We need a new car”, and “What you’re doing as a parent doesn’t work” is different than, “I think we’re on different pages when it comes to parenting”.

On the other hand, “We” are not responsible for the bad day you had at work. Each partner is responsible for their own emotions and reactions, and blaming something that is our responsibility on our partner is not just unfair – it can lead to many significant communication and intimacy problems down the road.

Sharing responsibility increases the likelihood of couples staying together long-term because it minimizes blaming, initiates positive conflict resolution, and promotes commitment (Johnson, 2011).

2. Trust

John Gottman (2011), one of the leading researchers on relationships has said that the most desirable quality looked for in a partner is trust. Trust embodies faith, assurance, dependability and honesty. It is a powerful belief that comes from deep within us. Ask yourself these questions:

Am I promoting trust in our relationship?

Do I consistently promote trust and emotional safety in our relationship?

Can I trust you to be there for me when I need you the most?

Do I trust you enough to be able to be vulnerable around you?

Can I trust that you will sacrifice for our family?

Am I promoting trust in our relationship?

Building trust takes time and it comes as a result of many small moments and decisions. Every single day is an opportunity to build the foundation of trust in our relationships.

3. Intimacy

In reality, intimacy is just a fancy word that means “closeness”. Intimacy in romantic relationships can be broken down into two different types: emotional and physical.

Building emotional intimacy involves letting down your walls, and allowing your partner to feel with you. It goes back to building trust in your relationship, and allowing yourself to be a safe place for your partner. Emotional intimacy is about both vulnerable, and having empathy.

Physical intimacy is a little more straightforward on paper, but it can be really difficult to maintain, especially if you are struggling with being emotionally intimate. Being physically close by holding hands, cuddling, kissing, having sex, etc. can help build trust, commitment, and deeper love (Yoo et al., 2014).

Both aspects of intimacy play off each other, and help to increase relationship satisfaction and longevity. Remember that the closer you are to each other emotionally, the safer it is to be physically close.

4. Communication

Communication is vital in any relationship, but not all types of communication are going to be helpful. We have learned through research that positive communication is needed especially as we work through conflicts in our relationships (Johnson, 2011).

The key to positive communication is to be “soft on the person, but firm on the issue.” Being soft on a person requires us to slow down, and deliberately create a space of empathy. The way we communicate our needs, wants, frustrations, values and goals can make all the difference. It is important that we do communicate those things – expecting our partner to read our mind, or shouting about our frustrations accomplishes nothing.

Learning to tap into empathy, as researcher Brené Brown (2013) has taught, can be one of the most important things for safe connection and communication in your relationship.

5. Commitment

Commitment is foundational to any relationship. A relationship is only as strong as the level of commitment. When two people commit, they can get through anything. Commitment goes beyond saying “I do” or making a copy of the key to your house though. Commitment is about finding meaning in your relationship, even when life is hard, and especially when you disagree with your partner. It also means that you continue to prioritize your partner’s values, opinions, interests and needs.

Commitment means that in a conflict, I don’t give my partner the silent treatment, or throw things at him, or say things to him or about him that are untrue or hurtful. I can still be frustrated, but commitment is the difference between “I hate you; you’re ruining my life” and “I’m frustrated because we aren’t on the same page. Will you help me understand your side and then be willing to hear mine?”

It can be easy to prioritize careers, money, hobbies and even children above our partner. Sometimes we think, “I can put this first because I know they are always there for me”, and so we put our partners on the back-burner. Once in awhile, this is just life. But when it becomes a pattern, problems begin to arise. Healthy couples exercise high levels of commitment by prioritizing their partners above the other pieces of their life.

Also keep in mind, that according to research, commitment fosters love, not the other way around (Brotherson, 2014). Love is a choice, and we choose love by committing.

6. Time

There’s a saying that “good things take time”. That definitely applies when working to build healthy and happy romantic relationships. Strong relationships don’t just magically appear overnight, and we shouldn’t expect them to! It takes time and dedication to learn from each other and grow together to really build a relationship into something meaningful, satisfying, and lasting.

The investment of time is made up of small daily moments in our lives. Research has shown that taking small moments of time throughout the week to show love and gratitude, particularly at partings (like when someone leaves for work in the morning) and reunions (coming home at the end of the day), can really make a difference in how close partners feel to each other. Combine each of those small moments with a date night at the end of the week, and you’ve got a much better chance for a healthy and happy relationship.

This is just an introduction to relationships. Continuing to build and maintain these six aspects of romantic relationships will provide greater meaning, satisfaction, and happiness. More content will be coming on each of these topics, but for now, check out the sources below for more information:

http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal

http://practicalhealthpsychology.eu/ehp/index.php/contents/article/view/2223

http://booksite.elsevier.com/9780123745170/Chapter%204/Chapter_4_Table_4.3.pdf

http://www.startmarriageright.com/2012/11/five-hours-of-magic/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKE_ebex2tk

https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2015/07/20/love-is-a-choice-more-than-a-feeling/

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZWf2_2L2v8

References

Brotherson, L. M. (2014). And they were not ashamed: strengthening marriage through sexual fulfillment. Boise, ID: Inspire Book.

Brown, B. (2013, December 10). Brené Brown on Empathy [Video]. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

Gottman, J. (2011, October 29). John Gottman on trust and betrayal. Greater Good. https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/john_gottman_on_trust_and_betrayal

Johnson, S. (2011). Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Little Brown & Co.

Yoo, H., Bartle-Haring, S., Day, R. D., & Gangamma, R. (2014). Couple communication, emotional and sexual intimacy, and relationship satisfaction. Journal Of Sex & Marital Therapy, 40(4), 275-293. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2012.751072

Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.

Written by Rian Gordon

We live in a world where information is readily and almost immediately available to us — including information about other people’s private lives. This can be really helpful, if, for example, you haven’t seen your best friend from high school in years and you want to reconnect to see how she’s doing. HOWEVER, it can also potentially be really harmful to our relationships. Today, I want to talk to you about why.

“May I See Your References?”

As humans, we naturally compare ourselves to others. We have been doing this since we were babies to help us learn what is and what isn’t socially acceptable. For example, think about when a baby falls down and looks at mom to see her reaction before deciding whether or not to cry. This is a skill called social referencing, and it helps us cue in to how we should be acting and responding in our daily lives (Stenberg, 2017).

We continue social referencing all throughout adolescence and into adulthood (Parkinson et al., 2012). We like to check in with what’s happening around us to see whether or not we measure up to the social norm. This can be great when we are learning how to fit in at our middle school, or at our day-job, but it can be really dangerous when it comes to forming and maintaining our own healthy relationships. Here’s why constantly comparing your relationship to others doesn’t work:

What You See, Isn’t Always What You Get

Think about what you choose to post on social media. Are you sharing all of your accidental double-chin selfies, being open about the really hard discussion you had with your boyfriend about your trust issues, or posting pictures of the dirty laundry covering the floor of your bedroom? Not likely. The majority of what you see and read on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter is not real life! Real life is HARD, and most people don’t want to post all of their problems for the whole world to see.

Constantly comparing your relationship to what you are seeing of those around you is essentially comparing real life with your favorite romantic comedy. You are seeing everyone else’s lives play out in edited storybook moments. You are forced to compare all of your weaknesses with their obvious strengths. This can lead you to become discouraged and frustrated, thinking that there is something wrong or seriously lacking in your relationship, when in reality, you are just experiencing normal life (Alfasi, 2019).

But Don’t Take My Word For It…

A fascinating research study conducted in Chile took a deeper look at this very phenomenon, wanting to better understand whether or not social media can actually have a negative effect on our relationships (Halpern et al., 2016). Specifically, the researchers looked at how taking and posting selfies on social media affects the amount of conflict we experience in our romantic relationships. Based on findings from previous studies, the researchers made several different predictions. First, they predicted that the more selfies partners took, the more jealousy they would experience in their relationship. Second, more selfies would lead to a larger gap between how partners viewed themselves online, and who they actually were in real life. Finally, they believed that each of these factors would lead to conflict between partners, and in turn, cause them to see their relationship in a more negative light.

In order to test these ideas, the researchers sent out surveys to 305 people. The surveys came in two waves, with the first asking about selfie-posting, jealousy, and the creation of an “online identity”. The second survey was sent a year later, and measured conflict experienced by the couple, along with how they viewed the quality of their relationship.

After the researchers analyzed the results of the survey, they discovered some interesting findings. Consistent with what they had predicted, the data showed a link between partner’s selfie-taking habits, and seeing their relationship as less satisfying. This link was largely influenced by the other two factors in the study: jealousy, and the creation of an idealized online identity. Surprisingly, this idealized version of oneself presented on social media had a more negative effect on the way the couple viewed their relationship than even jealousy. Furthermore, more frequent selfie posting was more strongly linked to forming an unrealistic view of oneself than it was to experiencing jealousy in the relationship. These findings, and more like them, can help us to use better judgment about the social media that we use from day to day, and how we allow it to affect our relationships.

Think Outside the Box

When we focus so intently on what is going on outside of our relationship, we run the risk of making unfair and unrealistic comparisons. We often look outward in order to help us validate our own experience. We ask, “Is what I am doing normal? Does my relationship look and feel the way it should?” We forget that “normal” isn’t a box that all of us fit into. Each of us as individuals is so incredibly different! If you don’t always fit the mold, what makes you think your relationship (made up of TWO unique individuals) will!? When we are so worried about what is considered “normal”, we miss out on the fun of creating and enjoying our own unique relationship.

So, think outside the box and figure out what do you want your relationship to look like! This is between you and your partner (and ONLY you and your partner) to decide. Talk about what is important to you as a couple, and what you are all about. What works for you, and what will make both of you the most happy? Have fun creating your own unique relationship, and learn to love and embrace that uniqueness.

Then, keep private things private. We can sometimes fall into the trap of asking our workout buddies at the gym how often they have sex with their partner, or complaining to our girlfriends about how demanding our husband is in the bedroom. Don’t feed the fire of the comparing culture by throwing out more information for people to compare to! Instead of seeking validation outside of the relationship, seek to learn from your partner and communicate about each of your needs. Keep the focus on you two, and find joy in deciding who you want to be together. Remember that you are unique, and you have the power to create a powerful relationship.

Other Activity Ideas

Gottman Institute Love Maps – http://www.fcs.uga.edu/docs/05_SHR-T3.pdf

Building Couple Identity – http://www.fcs.uga.edu/docs/05_SHR-T3.pdf

Click Here to Watch the Video

References

Alfasi, Y. (2019). The grass is always greener on my Friends’ profiles: The effect of Facebook social comparison on state self-esteem and depression. Personality & Individual Differences, 147, 111–117. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.04.032

Halpern, D., Katz, J. E., Carril, C. (2016). The online ideal persona vs. the jealousy effect: Two explanations of why selfies are associated with lower-quality romantic relationships. Telematics and Information, 34(1), 114-123. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1016/j.tele.2016.04.014

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.