Chatting With Children 101

Written by Shirley Anderson

For some, chatting with children comes very naturally. But for many, it can feel uncomfortable and awkward. As we age, we tend to understand children less and less. The way they think, communicate and view the world becomes foreign to us, even though we too were once children. 

Think of the last conversation you had with a young child. It probably felt a little one-sided! They probably didn’t get the punch line to your joke or answer the question you asked in the first place. The fact of the matter is, kids speak differently than adults, and if we hope to foster intelligence and success in our children, we need to do a better job of meeting them where they are at developmentally. 

Here are the basic tenets of speaking children-ese. Mastering these basics will help you feel more confident in conversing and connecting with the children in your life. 

Speaking to children is just as much a physical activity as it is verbal.

The physical act of getting down to a child’s level cannot be underestimated. This communicates to the child, “I’m here. What you have to say is important. And I’m ready to give you my full attention.” When we talk about getting down to a child’s level, we mean quite literally, get down to a child’s level! Once you’re down, look them in the eyes. Eye contact communicates to the child that they can expect to be taught something and engages their focus (Csibra & Gergely, 2009). Literally reaching out and gently touching the child then lays the groundwork for verbal communication as it instills a sense of security and affection (Gordon et al., 2010). 

When it comes to words, less is more.

Kids are very literal. Metaphors and sarcasm are often lost on them unless concisely explained. Similarly, our society is filled with cultural norms and niceties that confuse children. Common phrases like “I’d prefer it if you…” or “I’d feel more comfortable if…” send a complicated message by giving children a sense of choice when in reality, there is none. “Please stop” and “This will keep you safe” have much more meaning to a child and leave no room for interpretation. 

As adults, we tend to constantly be thinking of the future and what’s next on our to-do list while children tend to focus on the here and now. They are masters at living in the moment because developmentally, children cannot conceptualize the future well. Phrases like “we’re leaving soon” or “it’s almost time for school” are much less effective than, “you have time to read one more book before we go” or, “it’s time for school, please put your shoes on.” Verbal communication with children must be guided by two principles: be direct, be concise.  

What we can learn from children.

Although we as adults are thought to be the teachers of communication, we can learn so much from children! We can follow their example by giving less thought to the future and slowing down and living in the moment. As well as by using direct and concise language to express ourselves.

The next time you talk with someone, practice communicating like a child by giving them your full attention, being direct and concise and perhaps most importantly, being present. Implementing these practices will be invaluable to your relationships! 

To sum things up.

The challenge of speaking children-ese is not so much that it is a foreign language, rather it is that it requires our full attention. As adults, we have to re-learn how to communicate simply and directly and cut out physical distraction and verbal fluff. The more we master these basics, the stronger and more meaningful our connections will be with the children in our lives. 

The next time you chat with a child in your life, implement these practices: 

Physical

Get down on their level

Look them in the eye

Reach out and touch them

Verbal

Practice speaking literally

Live in the moment

Be direct and concise

References

Csibra G, Gergely G. (2009). Natural pedagogy. Trends Cogn Sci. Apr; 13(4):148-53. 

Gordon I., Zagoory-Sharon O., Leckman JF., Feldman R. (2010). Oxytocin and the development of parenting in humans. Biol Psychiatry 68: 377-382. 

Romeo, R. R., Leonard, J. A., Robinson, S. T., West, M. R., Mackey, A. P., Rowe, M. L., & Gabrieli, J. D. E. (2018). Beyond the 30-Million-Word Gap: Children’s Conversational Exposure Is Associated With Language-Related Brain Function. Psychological Science, 29(5), 700–710.

Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.