I was quite certain it was cancer the moment I received the call. Despite the heartrending news I replied, “Come what may and love it.” Over the next few weeks, I learned how rare my tumor was, including the staggering statistic of a 38% recurrence rate after treatment. In an instant, it felt as if my current life was put on hold, and I was traversing completely unknown territory.
A diagnosis of cancer comes to many, but even those who never get cancer will almost certainly have difficult times in their lives. While challenging moments can be extremely tough, they can also teach us valuable lessons when we keep a positive attitude. My journey through cancer, as arduous as it was, became a meaningful chapter in my life as I learned to work through my grief, serve, maintain gratitude, and strive for hope.
Grief Can Be Helpful
During the ensuing months of treatment, I felt a roller coaster of emotions. There were days I felt calm and ready to conquer anything and other days that I wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. This is a normal part of the grieving process we go through when we have a loss due to a severe challenge.
Take the time you need to understand your feelings of grief. Doing so can allow you to deal with the accompanying emotions from the loss your particular challenge brings. When you are ready, allow yourself to begin looking beyond your personal circumstances so emotional healing can begin and you can move forward. Some losses may take a long time to process, which is okay, but try to keep your mind and heart open to eventual healing (Ennis-O’Connor, 2018).
In the process, seek out those who can be helpful—family, friends, professionals or others who have gone through a similar situation. I learned the importance of seeking out those that can help when I did not feel helped by a well-meaning friend. I shared with her my fear about the ways the surgery would alter my face. Expecting empathy and compassion, I was disappointed when I was met with the response, ‘You shouldn’t worry so much about your appearance.’ Seek out those who will listen and allow you to grieve, which gives room for healing.
Faith Murray, a 17-year-old with chronic recurrent multifocal osteomyelitis, learned this lesson. Faithlives with severe pain most days. She said life can be really hard and it is okay to realize that, but at some point, you have to stop “sitting in the sadness” and look outside yourself so you can experience the emotional healing you’re seeking (Strive to Be, 2020).
Faith stops sitting in sadness by serving others, which not only blesses the lives of those she serves but brings great joy to her own life. Giving anything—time, money, energy or even blood—not only benefits those around us, but can make us happier (Brooks, 2021). Serving others improves not only our emotional health but our physicalhealth as well. In addition to lowering blood pressure, stress, pain and depression, individuals who serve tend to have a greater sense of purpose and satisfaction (Wells Fargo Advisors, n.d.).
Before each radiation treatment, I would change into a hospital gown and wait in the women’s locker room until they were ready for me. Most days brought opportunities to visit with other women. These women and I felt a synergy as we served each other, listening to personal stories, giving each other encouragement, and showing compassion. After daily treatments for six weeks, I was thrilled to be finished with radiation, but I also knew I would miss those sweet, understanding friends I met. Serving and being served can be a unique blessing to continue through grieving.
Attitude of Gratitude
Another way to stop sitting in sadness is to look for the good. Simply said, count your blessings. Gratitude brings healing to our hearts by improving our emotional health. Researchers studied theeffect of gratitude on mental health patients, finding that those who wrote a letter of gratitude each week for three weeks had significantly better long-term mental health than other patients, even if they never sent the letters (Brown & Wong, 2017).
Surprisingly, gratitude can also improve our physical health.Studies show that counting blessings decreases stress, boosts immunity, improves sleep, lowers both blood pressure and cholesterol levels, and improves heart health (UC Davis Health, 2015). Gratitude is powerful!
When we have a grateful outlook on life, we see things we wouldn’t otherwise see, even hidden blessings. During my treatment, radiation was especially hard on my face, part of which was covered with sores and one eye was almost swollen shut. One day, after being reminded by my oncologist to keep my eye constantly moist to prevent permanent damage, I realized the swollen eye was actually protecting my eyeball. There it was, a tremendous blessing disguised as a trial that I wouldn’t have noticed had I not counted my blessings.
Hope Brings Peace
In addition to service and gratitude, hope was the foundation to my positive attitude. I used to think hope was a weak virtue. I would hope that it would not rain, or that something good would come my way, but those wishes are different than the hope that brings power and peace. I have learned over the years that hope is something coming from deep inside, and often requires letting go of what you can’t control. It is seeing reality while at the same time having a positive attitude. For me, hope is trusting that God’s plan is better than my own.
Hope depends not on the events in our lives, but on the focus of our lives, and can still be felt by those who don’t have a positive prognosis. There is hope that you can handle problems that come, hope in relationships, and hope that somehow everything is going to be okay. Hope can overcome fear and despair. I have heard people say that a person who died of cancer “lost the battle.” Dying of cancer isn’t losing—rather, we lose the battle when we give up hope. Hope is not sitting still while wishing your problems away—rather, it is knowing that every day, no matter what comes, there are good things in life: people to love, people to serve, people to inspire (Ashley, 2017).
Powerful Indeed
As illogical as it sounds, I look back on my experience with cancer and feel grateful for the wisdom I gained, and the continued hope I feel, even knowing my cancer may return. I have changed in ways that are good, and there are things I never want to forget. No matter the path life puts us on, when we let ourselves grieve, serve, have gratitude, and hope, we can find joy and happiness in ways we least expect—even in extreme trials.
Choose one of the above steps—grief, service, gratitude, or hope—to focus on and practice this week.
Tawnya Roth lives in Dixon, California where she and her husband have finally put down roots after 25 years moving around the world with the Air Force. She has three adult children and two adorable grandkids, with two more coming in September. She is a student at Brigham Young University, graduating in August 2021 with her Bachelor of General Studies degree with an emphasis in Family Life. Doctors found a cancerous tumor in her tear duct in 2018. Five surgeries, radiation and several miracles have given her a new lease on life.
Written by Rebecca Zundel, Brigham Young University
I’ll never forget the moment when Brooklyn turned to me and said, “Becca, I have something I’ve been needing to tell you.”
First, I felt relief. Brooklyn was finally opening up to me about her nearly year-long challenge with an eating disorder. Then came hope—maybe this was the beginning of recovery. Next, love and a desire to protect my friend flowed out in the form of tears and hugs; I would do anything for Brooklyn. But finally, fear presented itself. Eating disorders were new territory for me.
Although they were new to me, eating disorders are not uncommon. For every eleven Americans, one will face an eating disorder at some point in their life (Arcelus et al., 2011). That one in eleven may be a friend or family member, and watching them suffer with an eating disorder can be discouraging and frightening. However, you can support your loved one by learning how to approach them, seeking to understand eating disorders, and finding ways to assist in their recovery.
I’ve often wondered what would have happened if Brooklyn had not told me that she was struggling with an eating disorder. I now understand that speaking up may, in a very literal sense, save a life. Brooklyn came to me before I ever built up the courage to talk to her about the changes I had noticed, but your case may differ. The following points may help if you find yourself needing to approach your friend or family member about an eating disorder (National Eating Disorders Association, 2013):
Be prepared. Realize your purpose in approaching your loved one, then set up a private time to speak with them. You may even consider rehearsing what you want to say.
Honestly express your concerns. Explain your concerns in an open and caring way without condemning or judging your loved one. One way to do this is to avoid “you” statements like “You’re not eating enough!” Instead, use “I” phrases like “I’ve noticed you are eating less.”
Refrain from “simple” solutions. Avoid suggesting “simple” solutions to their trial. Telling someone struggling with an eating disorder to “just eat” is rarely, if ever, helpful.
Avoid stigmas and encourage professional help. Help your loved one understand that having an eating disorder and getting necessary help is not shameful. Assist them in getting professional help.
These suggestions can help you lovingly approach your friend or family member. However, they may react negatively at first because mental disorders affect your thinking (Zaitsoff et al., 2020). Brooklyn explained it this way: “While I was in the depths of an eating disorder, I didn’t want help because I knew that ‘help’ would mean potentially giving up everything that my disordered mind considered important in life.” Fear of receiving a negative reaction is understandable. I was afraid. But I now understand that I would rather face my fear than lose my best friend.
After our first conversation, I realized that I had much to learn about eating disorders. While Brooklyn’s health was suffering, she didn’t have what I originally thought of as an eating disorder. Her eating and exercise habits were definitely disordered, but Brooklyn ate. Understanding Brooklyn’s experience with an eating disorder was my first step in supporting her, and the following steps can help you on your path to understanding:
Do your research. Accept that multiple variations of eating disorders exist, and eating disorders are more complex than simply not eating. Eating disorders include any condition involving eating and other behaviors that negatively affect physical, emotional, and functional health (“Eating Disorders,” 2018). While Brooklyn ate, her obsession with healthy eating and exercise was still an eating disorder.
Listen to your loved one. One of your best resources for understanding eating disorders may be the person you know who is actually suffering with an eating disorder. Sometimes, their current mindset may not elicit helpful comments, but when they do open up to you, be ready to listen and learn.
Seek the help of medical professionals. If a medical professional is assisting in your friend’s recovery, then seek the professional’s advice. They likely have insights on how you can personally help your friend.
Apply what you are learning. As you better come to understand your loved one’s trial, be willing to adjust and apply the strategies provided by the medical professionals.
With the help of these steps, I learned that multiple factors affect the formation of eating disorders. Brooklyn’s eating disorder actually stemmed from struggles with perfectionism and anxiety. When I finally understood this, I was better able to support my friend in the ways that she personally needed.
Assisting in Recovery
Later in the recovery process, Brooklyn helped me understand that having support in recovery is extremely beneficial, even for someone as strong and determined as she is. The following are a few of the best ways to support loved ones through recovery (Fleming et al., 2020):
Listen. Whenever your loved one talks of their experiences with an eating disorder, listen intently. This is not the time to discuss your own difficulties with body image or dieting. Doing so may actually discount your loved one’s struggles or trigger a relapse (Saxey, 2020). Instead, when they talk, simply listen and love.
Show loving determination for accountability. Some days, the love you show will simply include providing company or understanding. Other days, however, your love may need to consist of firm accountability. Help your friend or family member keep their commitments to steps of recovery, and do not enable self-destructive behaviors.
Remind your loved one of the joys of life. Brooklyn explained that an eating disorder is “completely mind-numbing. Life became bland and full of numbers and checklists, rather than the spontaneity and excitement that should encompass it.” Help your friend or family member enjoy different activities so that they can remember the joy of life.
Remain hopeful. Most individuals recovering from an eating disorder will relapse, face emotional days, and experience other challenges along their road to recovery (“Relapse and Reoccurrence”). This does not mean that hope is lost. Remain hopeful and encourage them to do the same.
Recovery is different for each individual, but having support is actually one of the most consistent helpers (Linville et al., 2012). To support Brooklyn, I became more educated about nutrition and intuitive eating. I accompanied her to joyous activities and helped her navigate her eating disorder triggers. As determined as Brooklyn is, she needed support and so does your loved one.
The day Brooklyn told me about her struggle with an eating disorder was years ago. The Brooklyn I knew then was not the bubbly, care-free, and healthy Brooklyn that I know now. She still has her difficult days, but with the support of friends and family, Brooklyn recovered. Approaching your friend, understanding their experience, and assisting in their recovery can help your loved one as they face their own challenge with an eating disorder.
One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the link from the National Institute of Mental Health to read about different kinds of eating disorders, the signs and symptoms associated with them, and what treatment options might be available for your loved one.
References
Arcelus, J., Mitchell, A. J., Wales, J., & Nielsen, S. (2011). Mortality Rates in Patients with Anorexia Nervosa and Other Eating Disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 68(7), 724. https://doi.org/10.1001/archgenpsychiatry.2011.74
Fleming, C., Le Brocque, R, Healy, K. (2020). How are families included in the treatment of adults affected by eating disorders? A scoping review. International Journal of Eating Disorders. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1002/eat.23441
Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K., & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: Perspectives of recovered individuals. Eating Disorders, 20(3), 216–231. https://doi.org/10.1080/10640266.2012.668480
Zaitsoff, S. L., Pullmer, R., & Coelho, J. S. (2020). A longitudinal examination of body‐checking behaviors and eating disorder pathology in a community sample of adolescent males and females. International Journal of Eating Disorders, 53(11), 1836–1843. https://doi.org/10.1002/eat.23364
Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.
Written by Natalie Burgess, Brigham Young University
A wail sounds from my baby in the bassinet next to me for what must be the fifth time in the past few hours. Rather than reach into her bed, I run, sobbing, into the living room.
“I just can’t do it!” I cry as I curl into a ball on the couch. My husband comes to my side, allowing our baby to cry for a few minutes before calming her. He is handling this moment better than I am—or at least he is good at faking it.
This first night home from the hospital with my newborn marked the beginning of many sleepless nights during which my husband and I woke up anywhere from every thirty minutes to two hours at a time to feed, change, and comfort our daughter. Still recovering from the birth—exhausted, hormonal, and depleted—I felt miserable at times.
Any new mother may find a bit of herself in this memory. Add a worldwide pandemic with its additional health concerns and frequent isolation and the difficulties seem to be magnified. This experience drove me to understand what new mothers are experiencing during this time and how loved ones can help.
Amidst the closures, business shutdowns, and citizens donning masks around the world in an attempt to squash the COVID-19 pandemic, babies will still be born, and parents must alter the way they prepare and care for their new infants. The coronavirus is adding additional stress and difficulty to a time that is already overwhelming (Ollivier et al., 2021).
With COVID-19 thriving in the United States, many expectant mothers face canceled birthing classes, fears of not having a support person in the delivery room, canceled baby showers, loss of employment and maternity leave, potential sickness, and a subsequent increase in the rate of depression and anxiety (Lebel et al., 2020).
Increase of Difficulties Due to Social Isolation
In this transition to motherhood, mothers tend to appreciate extra help and support others may offer (Ollivier et al., 2021; Negron et al., 2013), which support may allow her to take a nap, shower, spend time alone with her significant other, and may also provide someone to talk to. This support is vital as it can also help ease the burden a new mother may feel and provide a soundboard for discussing surprises or unmet expectations she may experience.
However, “the COVID-19 pandemic has impacted pregnant and postpartum women immensely; mostly through breakdown of support systems” says Dr. Daniel Roshan (Perry, 2020).
In normal circumstances, some mothers may fight the ‘baby blues’ and postpartum mood disorders such as depression, anxiety, and OCD (Miller et al., 2015; Ollivier et al., 2021). During the pandemic, mothers may also face increased social isolation, which for many means not seeing parents or other support persons (Negron et al., 2013; Ollivier et al., 2021). They may also experience extra mom-shaming on social media due to polarized opinions about infant safety from friends and relatives who—in normal circumstances—would congratulate and help them.
Mothers may also feel a sense of guilt and impending doom in bringing a new baby into such an uncertain time in which the consequences of a newborn’s contraction of COVID-19 are unknown. In the midst of these added pressures, new mothers must be brave and resilient in the face of these adjusted circumstances. Women have overcome difficult circumstances for thousands of years—now is another opportunity to show forth strength and courage.
During this time, mothers can find comfort in practicing self-care, reaching out to others for support, and adjusting expectations. The following are a few practical ideas that may help.
Find ways to reach out and connect (Perry, 2020). Consider joining Facebook groups, participating in Instagram live, joining a support group, or listening to therapist podcasts (Olliver et al., 2021; Shortsleeve, 2020).
Visit your obstetrician—even if it is before the 6-week postpartum appointment. Mental health is just as integral to your recovery as your physical health, and doctors can help. If in-person appointments are out of the question, then take advantage of online appointments (or telemedicine).
“Social bubble” with other new parents or extended family. This term refers to two or three families who gather with one another but maintain strict quarantine and social distancing rules with all others (Perry, 2020).
Lighten the load by using a food-delivery service and doing some self-care while the baby is sleeping.
Assign different spaces in your home to different purposes; having one space as a “baby-free” zone can help you relax and feel like an individual rather than just the family cow.
Friends and relatives can let the new mother know that although she is spending much of her energy taking care of a baby, she herself is cared for, supported, and taken care of. Here are a few practical ways to support a new mother.
If you know a new mom (Shortsleeve, 2020), try asking her how she is doing rather than just asking about the baby. She likely predominantly gets questions about her child.
Send the new mom a gift or order her favorite meal. Keep in mind what may not be appropriate given her recent delivery. For example, a mom might appreciate some sparkling apple cider but not be able to use bath salts if she is still bleeding from childbirth.
Text her something uplifting each day. Sometimes an uplifting quote or “you can do this!” can go a long way.
Set up a virtual gathering. You can also participate in a social bubble and offer to watch the baby for a few hours or even take a night shift so she can rest or spend time with her significant other.
Lastly, without invalidating her struggles, let the new mom know that although the transition is hard—seeing her newborn baby smile at her for the first time, laugh, learn to walk, and grow up (and learn to sleep through the night) makes the struggle truly worth enduring.
Although the COVID-19 pandemic has put a strain on many people, new moms experience added pressures in an already tricky transition. If those around her are aware of these struggles and seek to help her, those pressures can be eased, and this time can become one of joy.
Reach out to a new mom in your life to check in. Consider using one of the suggestions above to offer support.
References
Lebel, C., MacKinnon, A., Bagshawe, M., Tomfohr-Madsen, L., & Giesbrecht, G. (2020). Elevated depression and anxiety symptoms among pregnant individuals during the COVID-19 pandemic. Journal of Affective Disorders, 277, 5–13. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2020.07.126
Miller, E.S., Hoxha, D., Wisner, K.L., Gossett, D. R. (2015). The impact of perinatal depression on the evolution of anxiety and obsessive-compulsive symptoms. Arch Womens Ment Health. 18,457–461 https://doi.org/10.1007/s00737-014-0476-x
Negron, R., Martin, A., Almog, M., Balbierz, A., Howell, E. A. (2013). Social support during the postpartum period: Mothers’ views on needs, expectations, and mobilization of support. Maternal and Child Health Journal, 17(4), 616-623. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10995-012-1037-4
Ollivier, R., Aston, D. M., Price, D. S., Sim, D. M., Benoit, D. B., Joy, D. P., Iduye, D., & Nassaji, N. A. (2021). Mental health & Parental concerns during COVID-19: The experiences of new mothers amidst social isolation. Midwifery, 94, N.PAG. https://doi-org/10.1016/j.midw.2020.102902
Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
Attachment theory originated with John Bowlby in the late 1950’s. At its core, it is basically the assumption that infants form bonds with their early caregivers and that bond can serve as a template for future relationships. The theory was furthered by Mary Ainsworth who studied children and parents. Her work on the “strange situation” study formed the basis for three different types of attachment in children. Ainsworth’s experiment involved mothers and children playing in a room, the mothers leaving and later returning, then observing the responses of the children. The types of attachment she observed were:
Anxious-avoidant: The children showed little distress upon the parent leaving, and paid little attention when they came back. It was later found through studying the heart rates of the children that they were in fact experiencing some distress, but only showed indifference.
Secure: The child may protest when the parent leaves, but recovers. The child shows happiness in reuniting when the parent comes back.
Anxious-resistant: Children showed distress and clinginess even before the parent left, were distressed and nervous after they left, and continued showing signs of distress when they returned.
In the 1980’s, attachment theory began to be applied more to adult relationships. When talking about adult attachment we most commonly refer to the three styles as secure, anxious, and avoidant. Less often, people may be classified as a fourth type: a combination of anxious and avoidant.
Secure adults feel fairly confident most of the time that their needs will be met. They tolerate vulnerability and a range of emotions in their partnerships.
Anxious adults are unsure their needs will be met and thus demonstrate clingy behaviors in partnerships. They may want to be closer to people than people want to be to them.
Avoidant adults are also unsure their needs will be met and come off as indifferent or hyper-independent. People may want to be closer to them than they want to be to people.
You may be mostly secure in your relationships but tend toward an anxious or avoidant style when a stressor is introduced in your relationship. Attachment style is not something that is totally fixed and can never be changed, but you probably entered your current relationship with a template of sorts. The relationship you had with your parents and your attachment or bond with each is part of that template; the relationship you watched your parents have with each other is part of that template; and your past romantic relationships are part of that template. Attachment is one piece of the puzzle in figuring out why you are the way you are.
By taking a step back and analyzing attachment, we can understand our behaviors and have an easier time changing those behaviors if we want to. For example, say I know I’m prone to an anxious style of attachment and my partner hasn’t told me lately how they’re feeling about our relationship, or about me. I might start wondering if they really care about me and call repeatedly until they answer, or start insisting they don’t go out with friends to spend more time with me. I’m worried my needs might not be met and anxious behaviors are my protest. If I know I am prone to an avoidant style, I might avoid conversations about my partner’s deep feelings, or just try to smooth things over instead of bringing up difficult topics. I might avoid letting my partner see the deepest parts of myself because I’m worried my needs might not be met and avoidant behaviors are my protest. Knowing these behaviors may be part of an old pattern can help me release the fears that drive them, and create a new dynamic in my relationship.
Is Attachment Something I Should Overcome or Change?
Attachment isn’t a moral issue, just an awareness issue. If you know you are anxious or avoidant it doesn’t mean anything’s wrong with you! It’s just good information to have on your relationship journey. Certainly we all want to feel good in our relationships and moving into a more secure style with our partner can be a goal, but it’s not a moral imperative. Some tips for creating a more secure attachment in your relationship include:
Openly discuss attachment with your partner and know each other’s styles. Create new language to talk about what you’re learning about attachment and why you act the way you do. For example, “That’s my anxious side talking!” or “I’m tempted to shove this under the rug but it’s probably not the best thing to do.”
Work your way through John Gottman’s Sound Relationship House with your partner. Investing in the foundation of your relationship will calm everyone’s anxieties about having their needs met.
Practice assertively asking to have your needs met.
Actively develop empathy for your partner, their needs and attachment style. Understand why they are the way they are. Ask them sincere questions about how you can meet their needs. Make the most generous assumptions possible about your partner and their motives.
Understanding attachment theory in your life and relationships can be very rewarding and validating. As author and therapist Harville Hendix has said, “We are born in relationship, we are wounded in relationship, and we can be healed in relationship.” As we study attachment, we can access this healing for ourselves and our relationships.
Take a quiz to help figure out your attachment style. If you have a partner, you can also choose one of the above tips to practice together this week.
References
Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: a psychological study of the strange situation. Hillsdale, N.J. : New York: Lawrence Erlbaum Associates.
Cassidy, J. (1999). Handbook of Attachment: Theory, Research and Clinical Applications. New York: Guilford Press.
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The seven principles for making marriage work. New York: Three Rivers Press.
Levine, A. &, Heller, R. (2010) Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find-and keep-love. Penguin US.
Laura Parry is a licensed clinical social work in private practice in Lehi, UT. She graduated with a Master’s in Social Work from the University of Utah. She is certified in treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMH-C) and also specializes in couples counseling. She lives in Lehi with her husband, 3 kids, 2 cats, and 1 dog, and when that’s not keeping her busy she loves reading, writing, and hiking.
Written by Matthew T. Saxey, Brigham Young University
We’ve all seen the movie: prince or princess charming meets their perfect match. And then, wouldn’t you know it, together, the two live “happily ever after.” But real life doesn’t always work that way.
While relationships can bring many unique benefits, entering a relationship does not solve every problem. Unfortunately, avoiding the common ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mentality can be a challenge in and of itself.
A recent study suggests that getting married to the idea of marriage, or a committed relationship, can help form a foundation for a healthy relationship long before you actually enter into one (Marks & Dollahite, 2017). Here are three ways to avoid the “happily ever after” mindset and to help begin dating your future relationship.
A popular phrase about relationships is that ‘opposites attract.’ Although it may be true of some personalities, researcher Jason Carroll has found that more often, we are attracted to people with a similar character (Carroll, 2018). But too often, Carroll explains, people approach creating a lasting relationship by seeking their one true ‘soulmate’ (Brooksby, 2020; Carroll, 2018). This focus on a ‘finding’ approach to dating misses out on emphasizing personal growth and development (Carroll, 2018).
In other words, by spending time finding a “soulmate,” we may not recognize or work toward becoming more prepared to be an exemplary partner. When someone focuses on becoming a better person even before entering a relationship (Carroll, 2018), they are actually improving—and you might say ‘dating’—their relationship before it has even begun.
Another common idea is that money makes the relationship: finding a ‘sugar mama’ or a ‘sugar daddy’ to finance your lifestyle is the ticket to a good relationship. Money does matter but not in the way that we often imagine. Research indicates that sound financial management—rather than overall income—leads to increased individual happiness (Spuhler & Dew, 2019) and relationship satisfaction (Archuleta et al., 2013).
If financial literacy and management are not developed prior to beginning a relationship, it may become more difficult to supplement healthy money habits once the relationship has begun. Sound financial management such as paying bills on time, keeping a record of monthly expenses, staying within a budget or spending plan, etc. (Dew & Xiao, 2011) should begin well before entering into a relationship. Consider dating your future relationship now by developing financial management through things like budgeting apps or learning and applying knowledge from reputable money management advisors.
Leaning from reputable sources about sex can help you create or develop healthy sexual attitudes. Without having healthy sexual attitudes, achieving sexual satisfaction in a marriage or committed relationship can be more difficult (Carroll, 2018).
In a sexualized culture with pervasive access to technology, consumption of pornography has become common. Data from 2014 suggest that 46% of men and 16% of women in the US between the ages of 18 and 39 intentionally viewed pornography in a given week (Regnerus et al., 2016). And, unfortunately, this common pornography use can lead to unhealthy sexual attitudes (Brown et al., 2017; Nakai, 2016).
Another reason pornography use might be harmful comes from 30 national surveys that together show that when pornography use is associated with relationship quality, pornography use is almost always a signal of poorer relationship quality (Perry, 2020). To start or continue dating your relationship, avoid or overcome pornography by replacing it with healthy sexual attitudes and scripts. To do so, consider learning from reputable sexual health sources such as Sexual Wholeness in Marriage or A Better Way to Teach Kids About Sex.
As you focus on becoming—rather than just finding “the perfect person”—you may also start developing better financial literacy and management and cultivating healthy attitudes about sex that support your relationship. While addressing these three areas may be particularly helpful in preparing for a lasting future bond, progress in other areas might also be needed.
Consider taking time to reflect about what you might want in a future partner, and assess whether you yourself have or are developing those same things (Carroll, 2018). As you continue dating your future relationship, avoid the ‘it will be better when I’m finally in a relationship’ mindset. That way, when you do eventually commit*, you will be wedded to the relationship of your dreams as well (Marks & Dollahite, 2017).
* A note from the Editor:
I love Matthew’s article and agree wholeheartedly with his suggestions. That said, and Matthew agrees, it is worth noting that not everyone will get married, either by choice or by circumstance—and that is okay! Each person’s path is different. As I’ve made similar decisions in my life thus far—to become the kind of person I’d like to marry, to work to improve my finances, and to cultivate healthy sexuality—the benefits have been immediate. I hope to find someone to share my life with someday, but even if I never do, I am so grateful to have built a life I love for myself.
– Allie Barnes, Editor & Writer at Healthy Humans Project, Single & Happy 32-year-old Woman
Identify a section from the article that you’d like to work on this week. Single or not, we can all be more aware and knowledgeable about these areas of life.
References
Archuleta, K. L. (2013). Couples, money, and expectations: Negotiating financial management roles to increase relationship satisfaction. Marriage & Family Review, 49(5), 391–411. https://doi.org/10.1080/01494929.2013.766296
Brown, C. C., Conner, S., & Vennum, A. (2017). Sexual attitudes of classes of college students who use pornography. CyberPsychology, Behavior & Social Networking, 20(8), 463–469. https://doi.org/10.1089/cyber.2016.0362
Carroll, J. S. (2018). The marriage compass. BYU Academic Publishing.
Dew, J., & Xiao, J. J. (2011). The financial management behavior scale: Development and validation. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 22, 43-59.
Marks, L. D., & Dollahite, D. C. (2017). Religion and families. New York: Routledge.
Nakai, K. (2016). A qualitative exploration on sexual scripts and sexual self-esteem among young adults with a rationale for a media-literacy program on pornography. Doctoral Dissertation, Adler School of Professional Psychology.
Perry, S. L. (2020). Pornography and relationship quality: Establishing the dominant pattern by examining pornography use and 31 measures of relationship quality in 30 national surveys. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(4), 1199-1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7
Regnerus, M., Gordon, D., & Price, J. (2016). Documenting Pornography Use in America: A Comparative Analysis of Methodological Approaches. Journal of Sex Research, 53(7), 873–881. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2015.1096886
Spuhler, B. K., & Dew, J. (2019). Sound Financial Management and Happiness: Economic Pressure and Relationship Satisfaction as Mediators. Journal of Financial Counseling and Planning, 30(2), 157-174. https://doi.org/10.1891/1052-3073.30.2.157
Matthew Saxey, who is receiving his B.S. in Family Studies from BYU in April 2021, is an incoming M.S. student at BYU’s Marriage, Family, & Human Development Program. When he’s not doing homework or working, Matthew enjoys spending time with his lovely wife, Brianna.
One of the best ways you can help a loved one with an eating disorder is by getting informed about them. Check out the 
Rebecca Zundel was born and raised in a small, Midwestern town with her three older brothers. She now studies human development and editing at Brigham Young University and recently married her best friend. She loves traveling, trying new foods, and is constantly craving a big bowl of ice cream.
Reach out to a new mom in your life to check in. Consider using one of the suggestions above to offer support.
Natalie Burgess grew up in a blended family in Round Rock, TX and served a mission for her church for 18 months in Seattle Washington. Natalie and her husband, Ryan, have been married for two years and enjoy traveling, catching up on sleep, reading books together, annoying their cat, and playing with their daughter, Lindsey. Natalie is currently a senior at Brigham Young University studying human development and will attend graduate school in the coming year to pursue a degree in Marriage, Family, and Human Development.
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