Cover photo by Anna Shvets from Pexels
Opinion Piece Written by Sarah Morris
I don’t know if I should be writing this. Even as I type these words out into the page, I don’t know if I should be writing them.
To me, there is something fundamentally wrong about celebrating Pride when black lives are under attack in our nation. To say how proud I am to be queer or talk about the impact of the Stonewall Riots in 1969 feels like a mockery and a betrayal both to my community and communities of color. The fight for Pride was started by transgender women of color protesting police brutality. How can I be proud when they are still murdered for the exact same thing, in the exact same way?
That being said, when I was asked to write this piece, I felt it was a place where some good could happen. In these times of pain and struggle, knowing how you can become a better ally is crucial. Principles of ally-ship are the same across causes, and although I desperately pray that my writing this isn’t taking up space needed for someone else’s voice, I do feel like I have learned a few things about being an ally. I have both been an ally and worked with allies; when you aren’t sure what to do, let me give you a good place to start.
Learn to Listen as an Ally
Listening as an ally is fundamentally different than having a conversation with a friend. When you are talking with a friend as a friend, there is a give and take. They say something, you say something back, and so on and so forth. Both of your opinions hold equal weight, even if you don’t agree.
This is not the case when you are an ally. Your job is to listen and understand where the community is coming from. You don’t get to have an opinion, because you have not experienced what the community has. You may have experienced similar things, you may think you share the same feelings, but your job is to hold space and respect for their feelings.
Speak Out, Not Over
The job of an ally is to amplify voices, not to speak over them. Allies have the privilege to speak out when it may be dangerous for minorities, and that is an excellent time for you to use your voice and activism. But when minorities do feel comfortable speaking about their experiences, your job is to make sure they can be heard not add your own commentary, spin, or perception to the situation.
This can even come to play in social media. When you retweet a thread from an activist, do you leave its be, or do you add your own “I Agree!” comment, so that likes show up on your page instead of the original poster? Consider the impact of the space you are taking up.
Perhaps the most powerful physical example of this can be seen in the protests going on right now. White allies, knowing that their bodies will not be abused in the same way that black bodies are, have acted as a physical shield between black protestors and police officers. That way, they are both using their privilege as a way to speak out (by attending the protest and standing in front of police officers), but not speak over those they are supporting (by physically protecting them so they can continue to protest. And live).
Simply put, allies should use their voices to amplify minority voices, not to highlight their own experiences or opinions.
Educate Yourself
Let me make this perfectly clear: it is never the job of minority individuals to educate allies. With the amount of information at our literal fingertips, there is no excuse for not being educated on the issues. The point is that you have to put in the work. You have to be willing to go out and find the materials and then consume them. An hour on google can teach you more about the best sources to learn from than any friend or family member, and you will be saving them the emotionally exhausting work of accommodating you.
Education is also a continual thing. There will always be more to learn about racism, homophobia, ableism, xenophobia, and hundreds of others we could add to this list. Similar to listening as an ally, make sure you are learning as an ally – learn to understand more about what you don’t understand, not to defend what you already think to be true.
Be Proactive
I know in this atmosphere, it can be hard to do anything without fearing making a misstep. But having allies constantly ask you for guidance and reassurance is exhausting! It is not the job of the oppressed to guide you in every little step of your ally-ship. If you want to be an ally, you need to step up and make some choices of your own.
This is again where listening is your most crucial skill. It is a great idea to ask your friend “What can I do to help support you?” – it is not a good idea to ask that question every single week. Instead, listen to more than what the individual is saying. Are they going to protests? Great, go with them. Are they volunteering at local organizations? Awesome, find out how you can volunteer. Are they saying they need a safe space to feel things? Figure out how you can be a safe space for them.
You need to be in tune with events in order to do this. Some of the most meaningful experiences I’ve had are when friends reach out to me unprompted, knowing something that happened may have affected me. At the same time, I am not your project. Do not reach out to me to help yourself feel better about what is going on. Find the balance between being able to listen to what needs to get done and how you can act on your own.
Honestly, being an ally is one of the most humbling experiences I’ve ever had. It is constant work. It forces me to put myself aside and recognize that although I can make a difference, my voice is not the one that is important. It forces me to be uncomfortable and exhausted.
But remember that as exhausting as being a good ally is, the people you are fighting for have to live this every day. They put their lives and livelihoods on the line simply to exist as they are. Your love will do you good. Put it into ways that will help and not hurt.
Because we can all do better. We all have to do better. We don’t have another choice.
For further reading on how to be a better ally, check out the links below:
Things that Anti-Racism Allies Need to Stop Doing
Justice in June
Guide to Being a Straight Ally
Diversity Includes Disability
Dear White People: Being an Ally Isn’t Always What You Think
Choose one of the articles listed above to read and write down one way that you can be a better ally this week and in the future!
