Heads up – this article was written to benefit adults. What I am about to tell you is academic information about sex, and I have not sugar-coated it. This is helpful and important information, but it may need to be reframed to be more appropriate for children/youth education.
When you were an adolescent, sitting in sex ed class had a completely different purpose than what I want to teach you. This is adult sex ed – what you need to know now that you’re a grown up with sexual needs who has graduated to a bigger bed (and hopefully a hot spouse to go with it!).
1. The “good enough” sex model.
Thanks to the porn industry, media, poor sex education and high school locker rooms, many adults (and adolescents too) think that sexual compatibility is a must for a relationship checklist. And to be sexually compatible, they must be having mind-blowing sex all the time. False. According to a study done in 2007, couples reporting extremely high levels of sexual satisfaction report that they have average to good sex 40-60% of the time, and exceptional sex only 20-25% of the time. And guess what? Even happily married couples report having unsatisfactory or even dysfunctional sex sometimes (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But it doesn’t matter because, for the committed couple, sex isn’t about the orgasm (as great as that is) so much as connecting with your partner. That’s why it’s called intimacy.
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2. Having an orgasm and being sexually satisfied are not the same things.
Most couples including men reported that having an orgasm was not always necessary to be able to be sexually satisfied (Basson, 2000; Georgiadis & Kringelbach, 2012). So chill out. You don’t need to be a sex god or goddess. Because news flash – it isn’t about you. It’s about the relationship. And if sex doesn’t play out the way you want every time, it doesn’t mean you aren’t compatible. It means you’re human. Having said that, if there is a pattern of dysfunctional or unsatisfying sex, communicate with your partner about the needs each of you has and how you can better meet those needs. If there continue to be problems, consult a therapist or physician.
3. Men and women need sex for biologically different reasons.
Though men and women seek sexual satisfaction differently and have different expectations surrounding sex, they seek the same benefits from intimacy. Men generally pursue emotional intimacy through physical means, while women tend to pursue sexual intimacy through physical means and seek emotional intimacy in other ways. While this sounds oppositional, it is, in fact, complementary (Metz & McCarthy, 2007; Barlow, 1995). Men often use physical means to be able to connect emotionally and women often need to connect emotionally to be able to connect physically (Barlow, 1995). Also bear in mind that women focus on feeling attractive and wanted, while men focus on being “invited” to engage sexually. Men’s sexual confidence lies in functionality, while women’s lies around trust and emotional connection and safety. Again, these are complementary, include much overlap, and evolve over time (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). So ladies, if you are feeling sexually frustrated, make sure you’re inviting your husband to be intimate with you. Men, make sure that emotional connection is part of your intimacy.
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4. Women take longer to become fully aroused than men do.
Men are much more easily aroused than women, requiring only a few minutes to become fully aroused (Miyagawa, et al. 2007). Women take an average of 19 minutes to become fully aroused (Huberman & Chivers, 2015) and are aroused less by visual means (as men tend to be), and more by context, environment, intensity, and other senses (Fisher, et al., 2012). This is useful information! Understanding the physiology behind your partner’s arousal patterns can help you make sure that both of you are getting what you want and need out of sex. For example, remembering that your wife takes a little longer to become fully aroused and is responding to cues like the environment and context can inspire you to slow down and engage in more foreplay. You may also consider using candles, music, more talking during sex, romantic texts throughout the day, weekend getaways, etc. to increase arousal.
5. Commitment increases sexual pleasure.
Generally, healthy couples have sex for 5 reasons: 1) reproduction, 2) tension and anxiety reduction, 3) sensual enjoyment, 4) confidence, and 5) high relational closeness and satisfaction. Understanding that people have sex for a host of reasons and to fill a variety of needs develops partner congruence which aids relationship and sexual satisfaction (Metz & McCarthy, 2007). But what’s really interesting (at least to me) is that those who focus on themselves during sex experience the least amount of pleasure. Those who focus on the other person experience a deeper level of pleasure. But those who focus on unity or the “us” during sex experience the deepest levels of sexual pleasure and satisfaction (Mosher, 1980). Men and women in committed relationships generally report higher sexual satisfaction than those having casual sex (Birnbaum, et al., 2006).
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6. Expect the sexual relationship to change over time.
Because we as individuals change over time, and because our relationships change over time, we must also expect that our sexual patterns within that relationship will change (Basson, 2000). As life happens, what we need and want from sex is different. Because of these changes, it is crucial that couples communicate consistently about what they like, want and need in intimacy. Communication is necessary for balancing the two people in a relationship (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2007).
Find a way to incorporate one or more of the above principles in a planned intimate night this week!
References
Barlow, B. A. (1995). Worth waiting for: Sexual abstinence before marriage. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.
Basson, R. (2001). Using a different model for female sexual response to address women’s problematic low sexual desire. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 27(5), 395–403. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/713846827
Birnbaum, G. E., Reis, H. T., Mikulincer, M., Gillath, O., & Orpaz, A. (2006). When sex is more than just sex: Attachment orientations, sexual experience, and relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 91(5), 929–943. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/0022-3514.91.5.929
Fisher, H. E., Aron, A., Mashek, D., Li, H., & Brown, L. L. (2002). Defining the Brain Systems of Lust, Romantic Attraction and Attachment. Archives of Sexual Behavior,31(5), 413-419.
Georgiadis, J., & Kringelbach, M. (2012). The human sexual response cycle: Brain imaging evidence linking sex to other pleasures. Progress in Neurobiology, 98(1), 49-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.pneurobio.2012.05.004
Huberman, J. S., & Chivers, M. L. (2015). Examining gender specificity of sexual response with concurrent thermography and plethysmography. Psychophysiology, 52(10), 1382–1395. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/psyp.12466
Metz, M. E., & McCarthy, B. W. (2007). The “Good-Enough Sex” model for couple sexual satisfaction. Sexual and Relationship Therapy, 22(3), 351–362. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/14681990601013492
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. New York: Guilford.
Miyagawa, Y., Tsujimura, A., Fujita, K., Matsuoka, Y., Takahashi, T., Takao, T., Takada, S., Matsumiya, K., Osaki, Y., Takasawa, M., Oku, N., Hatazawa, J., Kaneko, S., & Okuyama, A. (2007). Differential brain processing of audiovisual sexual stimuli in men: Comparative positron emission tomography study of the initiation and maintenance of penile erection during sexual arousal. NeuroImage, 36(3), 830-842. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2007.03.055
Mosher, D. L. (1980). Three dimensions of depth of involvement in human sexual response1. The Journal of Sex Research, 16(1), 1-42. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224498009551060
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
