Ah, the magic of Christmas! Close your eyes and think about it. What comes to your mind? I see my family decorating the house with lights, cookie jars, Christmas figurines, and of course putting the ornaments on the tree with care. I hear myself caroling with church members in the back of a trailer as we look at the beautiful lights around the neighborhood. I can smell the cookies baking in the oven my mother is making for her annual cookie exchange. Can you almost taste the hot cocoa and egg nog? I know I can’t help but be filled with joyful nostalgia as I contemplate these wonderful memories. What makes these memories so sweet? The answer is simple: it is the rituals associated with them.
Rituals are traditions, celebrations, or any repeated behavior that helps convey your identity or personal values. Rituals bring a sort of magic that help us transcend the “here and now” to focus on what is really important. They generate warm and nostalgic memories for family members who then pass them down across multiple generations. Think back to the favorite Christmas you pictured above. Can you think of any holiday rituals in that experience? These are things like selecting a Christmas tree, performing acts of service, gift exchanges, family dinners, etc. Remember, rituals are not just regular habits or routines; they hold special meaning and tell us something about the values our families cherish. When practiced on a regular basis, we can feel and experience the magic of Christmas all year-round!
Why are rituals important?
Research shows that rituals are associated with many positive outcomes for parents and children alike. For example, children whose parents hold rituals tend to undergo earlier development than those who don’t. Teenagers, who often experience family conflict during their years of identity exploration, feel increased love and trust from parents who host regular rituals. Adolescents in families who maintain rituals also show increased identity cohesion, meaning they feel secure and confident with their identity and the way others view them. Finally, rituals are associated with increased marital satisfaction for both member of the relationship. It appears that nearly every family member can benefit from the practice of rituals.
Photo from pexels.com
I believe another wonderful benefit of rituals is that they have a unique ability to transport us, as a family, to a moment frozen in time. Whatever your problems are, they can be set aside and momentarily forgotten as you participate in a tradition. Children stop bickering and parents forget about the stresses of life as they come together to repeat the family ritual. Why is this?
Dr. Martin V. Cohen, Ph.D., associate director of the Marital and Family Therapy Clinic at New York Hospital-Cornell Medical Center, explained it this way:
“Children find a certain security and solace in something that gives a sense of belonging and comfort. Kids find rituals fascinating—artistically, spiritually, and emotionally.”
I think his quote applies to us all. No matter the age, we all crave the security that comes from belonging to our family members. Rituals are fascinating because they are familiar, bring out the values we hold dear, and unite siblings and parents alike in creating a beautiful memory together.
Unfortunately, many of us struggle with maintaining or adapting rituals in the midst of everyday life. These times include periods of transition (moving out of your parents’ home, getting married, having children, becoming empty nesters, etc) and stress (financial hardship, divorce, mental illness, etc). This recalibration may be difficult, but simply requires conscious thought towards prolonging and adapting your family traditions.
Creating Rituals
The beautiful thing about rituals is that they are NEVER too late to start. Regardless of the stage of life you or your family members are in, joy and family unity can be found through creating and practicing rituals. The holiday season may arguably be the easiest time to consider your family traditions and take the time to create some new ones.
Photo by Jonathan Borba on Unsplash
Questions to Consider when creating rituals:
What values and beliefs do I hold?
What characteristics am I trying to obtain?
What is most important to me and why?
What traits or beliefs would I like to pass down to my children?
What activities, foods, or events do I enjoy?
What times would work best? If I feel busy, what can I sacrifice in my schedule in order to promote rituals in my family?
One easy way to create a ritual is add special meaning to an already established routine.
For example, most families have a specific order of events for putting the children to bed. During the holiday season, spruce it up with holiday cheer! Play Christmas songs while cleaning up after dinner, put red and green bath bombs in the tub for your children to enjoy, or read holiday stories before bed. Remember to include your family members in on the decision-making process of the ritual.
Long to-do list? Try to add some special meaning to one of your tasks. Involve friends and family members.
When you go to wrap the presents, involve your family members! Turn it into a game to see who can wrap the neatest present, sing carols as you work, or tell stories about your ancestors. It may add a few minutes to your to-do list, but the increased family unity and growing smiles will be worth it.
Photo from pexels.com
Adapting Rituals
“Routines and rituals evolve and do not just appear in full form—they take work.”
Don’t be afraid of the work! Here are some tips to help.
Tips during times of transition/stress:
Moved away from home? If you are able to, find time to participate in rituals with your family. Skype and FaceTime are great tools for this! Find ways to bring your favorite family traditions into your current life with friends, roommates, or coworkers. You’d be surprised how much joy decorating a tiny apartment while listening to Christmas music can bring to your life, even if it only takes a fraction of the time it used to take at home with your family.
Newlywed? Openly communicate with your spouse what rituals are important to your family and why. Learn about theirs and talk about ways you can meld some of your rituals together. Make sure to come up with some new ones of your own, as well! Don’t feel like you need a large list of rituals right when you get married. Many will naturally come as you experience life together. Just make sure to consider your rituals every so often. The holidays are a great time to do so.
In the thick of parenthood? Be willing to adapt your rituals to the needs of your children. Caroling all night in the cold with a baby might not be the best idea. Carol to a neighbor or two earlier in the evening. What do your children enjoy? What will promote fun instead of bickering or ruthless competition? Remember to focus on the values you hold dear.
Financial hardship? Look for free or low-cost ways to participate during the holiday season. Your family members will probably appreciate the tradition itself regardless of the money you spend to produce it.
Stressed or dealing with mental illness? Don’t focus on completing all family rituals with perfection. Select one or two, simplify them, and focus on being present in the moment. Traditions are intended to bring you closer to family members and remind you of who you are. You can also create new rituals that center on building yourself up or mental self-care. For example, create a new tradition where you take an evening to pamper yourself and watch a Hallmark movie!
Final Thoughts
As you with your family strive throughout the entire year to hold regular rituals, you can experience the magic of Christmas no matter the month!
Take a moment to reflect on your family traditions. Are they meeting the needs of you and your family? Do they help solidify your values, beliefs, and family identity? If necessary, create a new one or adapt a current tradition to your present family circumstance.
Garcia-Rada, X., Sezer, O., & Norton, M. I. (2019). Rituals and nuptials: The emotional and relational consequences of relationship rituals. Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, 4(2), 185–197. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1086/702761
Hunter Tarry is from Gilbert, Arizona. Hunter graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development with a minor in psychology. Married for just over three years, Hunter and her husband Joseph recently became a family of three. Hunter currently cares for her son, Joseph, full-time. Her research interests include all things political, the impact of law on marriage, families, and children, aging across the lifespan and families during transitory periods. Hunter enjoys photography, volleyball, trying new restaurants with her husband, watching Jeopardy, and finding new ways to make her son laugh.
Family time is something that is important to so many of us, especially when it comes to the holidays. Spending time together baking, playing games, and creating traditions and memories largely contribute to why we personally love this season so much. In fact, these family traditions are a very important part of developing family identity and family unity (Fiese, et al., 2002), creating emotional security for children (Spagnola, & Fiese, 2007), and even increasing marital satisfaction (Fiese, et al., 2002)! However, managing time with family can be a real headache when you are in a serious relationship – particularly if you don’t get along well with the in-laws. Here are a few tips that will help you navigate the time you spend together with your families of origin (the family you grew up in) all year round.
Show Gratitude
Planning family get-togethers takes a lot of effort. Coordinating schedules, food, and activities can be quite a difficult task, especially as families grow exponentially over the years. When one of your families invites you to spend time with them, do your best to be respectful and to show gratitude regardless of whether or not you are able to make it. Doing what you can to help plan and contribute, or even a long-distance video chat or phone call into the get-together can go along way in helping each of your families feel loved. Also understand when your family cannot be with you – traveling for special occasions takes time and money. Be grateful for the time your family can spend with you, instead of pressuring them to be at more events.
Be Mindful of Your Significant Other’s Needs
Healthy relationships are all about sacrifice and love, and sometimes you have to sacrifice time with your own family in order to give your spouse the time that they would like to have with their family.
Photo from pexels.com
Rian: My husband grew up in Arizona, and a large chunk of his family still lives there while my family is all in Utah. Because we live so close to my parents and siblings, we spend a lot of time with them (which I love because I’m a total homebody). That means that it takes a lot more planning and effort to get together with my husband’s family. However, because his family is as important to both of us as my family, we do what we can to put in that extra effort into spending time with them. I know this means a lot to my husband and his family, and while sometimes it takes a little sacrifice, that effort always turns out to be worth it.
Aubrey-Dawn: My husband’s family lives a fifteen-hour drive from us, requiring several days off, and lots of time and money. We have managed to see them about twice a year since getting married. Traveling there is always quite an occasion – family reunions have lots of people, and it can be overwhelming. I work hard to mentally and emotionally prepare to be in a hectic environment with many personalities and lifestyles different from my own because I know that it is important to my husband. At the same time, my husband checks in with me at the beginning and end of each day to see how I am doing and talk with me about any struggles. He also understands that I need alone time, and makes room for it.
Speak Positively
Sometimes it can be really tempting to talk negatively with your spouse about family members behind their back. This type of gossip and/or complaining can be really damaging to the relationships that both you and your spouse have with each other’s families. If you have a problem with a member of either family that you feel you should discuss with your spouse, utilize your healthy communication and problem-solving skills to try and make the experience as constructive and healing as possible. Venting can be beneficial, but it is important to remember that venting and attacking are not the same thing. Remember that what you are saying is about people who are important to your spouse. If you would not want your partner saying those things about your family, you may want to find another way to express your frustrations.
Establish and Maintain Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are important in all relationships. It is okay to say ‘no’ and to state your needs and intents. Sometimes family dynamics can be difficult. Unrealistic expectations, competition, and sometimes even downright meanness are issues many deal with when it comes to their in-laws. Establishing boundaries as a couple can help mitigate these problems and protect you and your partner.
Photo from pexels.com
Aubrey-Dawn: Boundaries have been important in Richard and I’s family interactions, especially with regard to infertility and childcare. There used to be an assumption that because we have no children but want them, we would want to take care of everyone else’s. At a reunion, Richard was left with over a dozen children, while most of the men socialized, and all of the women, myself included, attended a baby shower. At this same reunion, as well as on many other occasions, we sustained many jokes and comments about our incapacity to love and understand anything because we are not parents. It was painful for both of us. We have had to establish boundaries: we do not care for children without advanced notice, and we do so for only one family at a time. We also have had conversations about infertility-related comments. It has been difficult, but these boundaries have helped tremendously.
Your Family Comes First
The most important thing to remember when scheduling extended-family time is that your new family – the family you and your significant other create together – comes first. Making sure you and your spouse (and any kids that may come along) are taken care of is more important than trying to bend to everyone else’s whims. That means you may get called a party-pooper when you have to leave the party early so that your baby can get to bed on time. Or it might mean telling your mother that you and your spouse want to open presents on Christmas morning at your own home in order to have some alone time together. Whatever the case, it is okay to set those boundaries to ensure that your own immediate family is taken care of. In fact, it will help your relationship with your spouse, your kids, and your extended family be a whole lot healthier. Doing everything you can to ensure that your significant other feels safe and respected when you are with extended family is crucial. It will demonstrate to your partner that you respect them, and will strengthen the trust and love that you have for one another.
Come up with a new holiday tradition that you can participate in with your immediate family.
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
