Cover photo by Flora Westbrook from Pexels
Written by Lyndsey Kunzler
I made the daring choice to ignore the dismal box office numbers and went to see Dear Evan Hansen in the theater a few months ago. Despite harsh reviews, I found the production to be moving and I appreciated the complexity of the portrayed relationships. Evan’s mom, a single mother trying to provide for her family, made continual attempts to try to talk with and show her love for Evan, most of which were met with the typical cold-shouldered, short-answer responses one could expect from a teenager. Evan’s character is depicted as a high schooler facing intense mental health issues, the suicide of a peer, positives and negatives of social media, and other struggles with fitting in. The challenges he faces impeccably illustrate the myriad of difficulties that face modern teenagers in high school. The movie demonstrates that now more than ever, it’s important for parents to be involved in their teenagers’ lives. But how can parents be a part of their teens’ lives when their teens shut down in the same way Evan does when his mother tries to connect with him? Here are 5 things you can practice when connecting and communicating with your teen.
The Power of Specificity.
Have you ever felt helpless trying to get your child to open up to you? Or maybe you’re all too familiar with the defeat that follows a well-intentioned question shot down by your teen.
Dr. Siggie Cohen, a child development specialist who shares parenting tips on social media, made a video about common short-answer child-parent exchanges (it’s not just you!)
Dr. Cohen reminds her audience that children spend their entire day learning, working, and experiencing new things at school (2021). She recommends helping your child to “break down their big experience in a more detailed and balanced way” by asking specific questions (Cohen, 2021).
Instead of asking your teenagers general questions about their day when they come home, try asking specific questions like, “What did you have for lunch today?” or “Did your quirky science teacher say anything funny in class?” This approach can help your teens open up and give you more information about their day.
Sometimes asking questions in general is too much for our teens. Having other ways to connect with children can be helpful to check-in with them emotionally.
Find Your “Taco Tuesday”.
In one scene of the movie, Evan’s mother fails to connect with Evan until she invites him to do “Taco Tuesday” with her. Evan’s face lights up and he responds more genuinely to his mom’s attempts to connect than he previously had. While no background is given, it’s discernable to viewers that Taco Tuesday has been an enjoyable and connective tradition between the two of them in the past.
When words are failing, you might try finding ways to simply spend time with your teen to connect with them. Many child-therapists and counselors recommend using art as a way for children to feel comfortable enough to share about their difficulties (Patterson & Hayne, 2011). While your teenagers might cringe if you ask them to sit down and paint with you (unless painting is their thing), you might be able to engage in other art-related interests of your teens such as visiting an art museum, decorating cookies, or trying out a new art trend featured on TikTok.
In addition, you might try spending time doing other things your teen enjoys. For instance, recent research is supporting joint media engagement — where parents participate in video games, watching a show, or scrolling through social media with their child. Joint media engagement can increase family connectedness (Padilla-Walker et al., 2012).
For many parents, the thought of trying to understand how to play Fortnite or watch the latest Avengers series on DisneyPlus might feel like a waste of time. However, setting aside time to be with your child, fully engaged in something they enjoy, can go further than you may imagine. Spend time doing things your teens enjoy to create space for easier transition topics that your teens want to talk about or that you want to discuss with your teens. Doing so will create shared experiences and increase the vulnerability and connection in your relationship.
Mother, Don’t Smother.
Connection can also be built by being intentionally involved in your child’s schoolwork and activities. However, keep in mind that teenagers seek independence, and too much involvement can create division between parent and child. The sweet spot is when a parent can encourage their teen to work through difficult homework problems, offer help when the teen doesn’t understand, and promote developmental learning instead of fixed learning (Berkowitz et al., 2017).
A developmental learning mindset is the idea that knowledge is acquired and not a natural talent. Help your teens to see that they can learn hard things with comments such as “you’ve worked hard to understand this concept” and avoiding comments such as “you’re so smart.” This approach can strengthen your connection and help build your teen’s confidence.
Rely on Rituals.
You might find built-in opportunities to strengthen connection with your teens through routines that already exist or are easy to start. In my early teens, my parents introduced a new dinner ritual, inventively named “good and bad.” The game, as simple as the title, consisted of every person at the table sharing one good thing and one bad thing that happened in their lives during the day. Or, if you were in an especially sour phase of life as I was at 13, sharing two “bads” was an acceptable way to participate. This ritual allowed my parents a glimpse into how my siblings and I were faring emotionally, regardless of our desire to talk in depth with them.
While connecting with your teenagers may often feel like an impossible task, you can rely on the traditions and rituals you already have. Holidays, birthdays, and other special celebrations can provide opportunities for connection with your teenager that differ from the day-to-day connections that your teens are less receptive to. These events can bring up nostalgic, positive memories your teens remember, and open the gate to new memories being made. Asking your teens what they love most about these traditions and being sure to incorporate them will help your teens to feel that their opinions matter and recognize your love and care in a special way.
When It Doesn’t Work, Try Again.
On the days, weeks, and even years where you feel you just cannot get your teen to connect with you, don’t give up hope. Remember to ask specific questions, engage in things they enjoy, show your teens support while honoring their independence, and connect over rituals and traditions. In the movie, when Evan was at a breaking point, his mother was there. She assured him she would always be there when he needed her. (She expressed this through song, which isn’t necessarily required to get the point across, but points for style!) While teens may do everything in their power to distance themselves from you, when push comes to shove, they will know they can count on you. Keep trying; your efforts mean more to them than you know.
This week, think about a ritual of connection that you’d like to incorporate into your daily parenting routine. No matter what age your kids are, these rituals can help you get connected and create a culture of safety and openness in your home!
References
Berkowitz, T., Schaeffer, C. S., Rozek, S., Beilock, S. L., & Levine, S. C. (2017). The parent connection. Psychologist, 30(9), 28-32.
Patterson, T., Hayne, H. (2011). Does drawing facilitate older children’s reports of emotionally-laden events? Applied Cognitive Psychology, 25, 119–126. https://imperfectfamilies.com/art-journaling-with-kids/
Padilla‐Walker, L. M., Coyne, S. M., & Fraser, A. M. (2012). Getting a high‐speed family connection: Associations between family media use and family connection. Family Relations, 61(3), 426-440.
Siggie Cohen [@dr.siggie]. (2021, September 1). Who can relate? You pick up your child from school eager to hear how their day went. You excitedly [Video]. Instagram. https://www.instagram.com/p/CTSuTUmhNva/
Lyndsey Kunzler is from Centerville, Utah and is a senior at BYU studying family studies. She looks forward to pursuing a master’s degree in Marriage and Family Therapy and doing further research on body image. She considers herself to be an “extroverted introvert”, a lover of artichokes, and passionate about finding new ways to create and deepen relationships.”
