Mental illness is no easy feat. It’s a long battle but it’s so worth it because you and your mental health are worth it. I write this from a place of someone who has her own struggles with mental illness and who loves many people who are struggling with a wide variety of mental illnesses. When I started my mental health journey, I felt so alone and didn’t know where to start. I had friends and family support but I still felt so alone. So today I’m writing to you to tell you 10 things I wish I would have known when I started my own mental health journey.
1. There is always hope.
It’s so easy to fall into feeling hopeless especially in the thick of depression or in the worst days of anxiety when it never seems to ease. It’s easy to want to run and hide and stay in bed for days on end because facing the world seems like a monstrous task. And some days, moving from the bed to the couch is better than nothing at all. It’s okay to feel lost and unsure. One thing that I did to help me have hope was to follow accounts on social media that were uplifting to me including therapists and organizations that focused on health. Some of my favorites include To Write Love On Her Arms, Brene Brown, therapist Tiffany Roe, the National Alliance on Mental Illness, and the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
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2. Get educated.
Educate yourself about mental illness especially the one(s) that you may have or have been diagnosed with (Understanding your Diagnosis, 2020). Education is one of the best things you can do to better understand yourself and what you are experiencing. Research can also help you know what may be the most effective treatment for your specific mental illness. As you research, remember that each of us is unique, and someone else’s mental illness (even someone with the same diagnosis) may look a little different than your own.
3. Seek support.
Seek out support from friends and family (Social Support: Getting and Staying Connected, 2020). One of the things that I quickly learned after receiving a soft diagnosis, was that I needed a social support system. The person that stayed at the forefront for me was my mom. She went with me to countless therapy appointments and would lend a listening ear when I was having a bad day or just needed to talk. I also grew to have many other friends whom I knew that I could count on and whom I could reach out to when I needed someone to listen to. Having social support gives you a safe place that you can turn to when you are struggling.
There are so many different kinds of therapy and so many different practitioners that it can be an overwhelming task to find a therapist. There are a couple of places you can start. First, ask around; see if there’s anyone that your friends or family may recommend. Word of mouth can be one of the best ways because many people go to therapy for a wide variety of reasons. Another way to find a therapist is by visiting https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. On this website, you can type in your zip code and specifics including insurance, preferences, etc., to locate therapists in your area. It’s also another great place to start, especially if you live somewhere where you don’t know the area or what’s available. For more help on choosing a therapist, check out this article here. Also, remember that it’s okay to shop around for therapists! I wish I would have known this so I could have explored all my options and found someone who did more of what I needed.
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5. Let’s talk medicine.
Some people will need medication as part of their treatment plan to help them manage their mental illness and that is okay (Mental Health Medications, 2016). There is NO SHAME in using medication to help. Some mental illnesses are caused by chemical imbalances in the brain, and medications are used to help balance out these chemicals. Throughout the course of treatment, you may have times when you don’t need meds, or you may need them throughout its entirety. Your therapist will often refer you to a psychiatrist who will help you figure out the best options for you, or family practice doctors can help with this as well.
6. Stick to your treatment plan.
It seems weird to say this, but it’s necessary. If that means therapy once a week for you and taking meds daily, stick to it. The more consistent you are, the better off you’ll be. No two people’s treatment plans are the same and so it’s important that you stick with the one that is best for you. Also, don’t be afraid to speak up if it doesn’t seem to be working for you. Part of figuring out a treatment plan is adjusting and trying new things to help you.
7. Get enough sleep.
I can’t say this enough. GET ENOUGH SLEEP. Getting enough sleep is vital to your mental health (Harvard Health Publishing, 2018). Lots of mental illnesses come with a side effect of either having a hard time falling asleep, insomnia, waking disturbances while sleeping, or just wanting to sleep all day, but getting the right amount is important. I found for myself personally that on the days I didn’t get enough sleep, my anxiety was 10,000 times worse. As you go through your journey you’ll learn how much sleep you need and how much is not enough or too much. Be aware that your needs may fluctuate from time to time.
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8. Take care of your body.
I feel like a total hypocrite even writing about this to y’all because it’s one of the things I struggle with the most. Do the best that you can to take care of your physical body (Tartakovsky, 2018). Get moving whether it is having a living room dance party, going for a walk, or playing an active video game – just do something to move your body. Some days it may not happen and that’s okay. Also, do your best to eat food that fuels your body. I’m a big fan of intuitive eating, and for every person that will look different. Check out this article for more info on that subject.
9. Suicidality.
This is definitely one of the things that I wish I had been told about when I began my mental health journey. While you are learning how to deal with your mental health, you may have times when you experience suicidal thoughts or ideation. It doesn’t happen to everyone, but you may experience it. Please please please reach out for help if you are feeling suicidal. I myself have been in that place – it’s dark, and it’s awful, and reaching out was the best thing I did. Reach out to your support system, call your therapist, do whatever it takes. If you don’t have those things you can call 1-800-273-8255 or you can chat online with someone at suicidepreventionlifeline.org. There is also a specific suicide hotline for the LGBTQ+ community through the Trevor Project that you can call at 1-866-488-7386. Please stay with us. You are needed and you are loved.
10. Self-care.
This is something that I didn’t really learn how to do until later on in my mental health journey because at first, I felt like I was in survival mode. Do something to take care of yourself every day whether it’s taking a bubble bath, reading, meditating, just do something to help you take care of yourself. If you want to learn more about self-care check out these articles here, here, and here.
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I hope that something in this letter sticks with you as you go through your mental health journey whether you are in the middle or just beginning. There is no shame in struggling and there is no shame in reaching out for help. You are needed. You are loved. You are worth it.
Love,
A girl who’s been there and is still there.
#endthestigma by sharing your journey with mental illness or share this letter on your social media. You never know who may need it.
Anasteece Smith is a Utah native who is now living it up as a Texas girl. She is the oldest of seven children and married her sweetheart in 2018 who happened to have her same last name. She graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life. In her free time, Anasteece likes to read, paint, swim, hike, camp, hammock, and do graphic design. She is passionate about mental health, healthy sexuality, family resilience, feminism, religion, and research on shame, vulnerability, and perfectionism.
If you are a man reading this, hang tight, because it will all become applicable for you soon too, but we’re going to start by talking about MENSTRUAL CYCLES.
I know I have a cycle—I can tell by the strong emotions I feel periodically with no real, logical base. I can tell by the way my body changes through the month—the aches and pains, the food cravings, and then finally, my period. Then it ends, and I have a couple weeks of relief and calm, and then it starts all over again.
I’ve experienced this cycle for years.
And we can connect this to the moon, tides, and everything else on the earth that has cycles.
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But our cycles extend far beyond this, and I didn’t fully realize this until recently when I read about it in the classic book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray:
“A woman is like a wave. When she feels loved her self-esteem rises and falls in a wave motion. When she is feeling really good, she will reach a peak, but then suddenly her mood may change and her wave crashes down. …After she reaches bottom suddenly her mood will shift and she will again feel good about herself. Automatically her wave begins to rise back up.” (120)
He continues, “Life is filled with rhythms—day and night, hot and cold, summer and winter, spring and fall, cloudy and clear. Likewise in a relationship, men and women have their own rhythms and cycles. Men pull back and then get close, while women rise and fall in their ability to love themselves and others.” (121-122)
And just to cover our bases, if you haven’t read the book yet (and you should if you haven’t), here is a little tidbit from Gray about what women need most during their low times: “The last thing a woman needs when she is on her way down is someone telling her why she shouldn’t be down. What she needs is someone to be with her as she goes down, to listen to her while she shares her feelings, and to empathize with what she is going through. Even if a man can’t fully understand why a woman feels overwhelmed, he can offer his love, attention, and support.” (123)
I did not understand this. Many men I’ve dated haven’t understood this. These low points have caused me great pain and shame in the past because of how I perceived myself in relationships—and some of those perceptions were based on painful negative responses from men in the past. I didn’t know. They didn’t know.
Here’s what really opened my eyes: “Some women who avoid dealing with their negative emotions and resist the natural wave motion of their feelings experience premenstrual syndrome (PMS). There is a strong correlation between PMS and the inability to cope with negative feelings in a positive way. In some cases, women who have learned successfully to deal with their feelings have felt their PMS symptoms disappear.” (130)
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For years, I have felt deep shame over my low points, which only perpetuated the sadness, and possibly even made my PMS symptoms worse. Logically, this makes very little sense: While not all women experience severe symptoms or feel much affect on their emotions, various studies claim that around 3 in 4 women, and up to 90% of women, experience PMS symptoms in their lifetime. However, we don’t often see others’ low points. We simply intimately know our own.
I had never considered accepting these emotions, moving through the cycle, and riding the waves as they came. In this article, I’ll be sharing some practical ways to better navigate the low times.
As mentioned earlier, in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Gray also shares about men’s cycles. I hope to share more about this in a future article as I learn more about this, but until then, I highly recommend checking out this book. I’m very late to the game here (the first edition was released in 1992), but there’s obviously a reason it’s remained relevant for so long.
How to Better Handle the Lows
The morning I started writing this article, I cried on the phone to a friend, “I think I’m at the bottom,” I whimpered. “How am I supposed to write about this when I’m IN IT?”
I had tried to meditate earlier in the morning to feel better, and usually, that helps. But this time, I was so deep in emotion that meditating did very little to help. The only thing that got me going that morning was a Diet Coke and that phone call with a friend. After that, I was able to go on a run and start taking care of myself from there. While I’m going to recommend some things to help with emotional, mental, spiritual, and physical self-care during the low points, sometimes you have to think about what you personally need.
Emotional, Mental, and Spiritual Care
In a world where we consume almost constantly—media, conversations, interactions, food—slowing down and turning inward can offer incomparable relief. This can mean different things for different people. Sometimes it means turning off your phone for even a few minutes. Sometimes it means spending time studying the scriptures or other religious texts. Sometimes it means going on a walk, meditating, journaling, or calling a friend. Sometimes it means taking an intentional deep breath.
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According to the book Restorative Yoga by Ulrica Norberg, our breath is the “only autonomic nervous system function that can be directly affected by our conscious mind.” Conscious breathing can help us relax, as well as alter “the distribution of energy from the [sympathetic nervous system] to the parasympathetic nervous system” (Norberg 35). In her book, she outlines how to breathe a “full complete breath.” In short: sit comfortably and inhale to lengthen the spine. Gently close your eyes. Relax your face and jaw. Exhale completely, then inhale completely, letting your lungs reach their fullest expansion. Hold for two seconds*, then slowly start to exhale. At the bottom of your breath (empty lungs), pause for two seconds once again before repeating for a total of 10 breaths.
*If you are pregnant, you do not need to pause at the bottom and top of each breath. Maintain a constant flow of breath for you and your baby.
While this is a lovely, restorative technique, often I simply pause where I am, close my eyes, exhale to relax my face and shoulders, inhale slowly, then exhale once more. Even one deep, focused breath can work wonders.
Meditation is a similar tool that helps the mind and body relax. I primarily use recorded guided meditations on apps such as Insight Timer (free), Meditation Studio (free), Stop Breathe & Think (free), and Calm (free trial available). These meditations can help you physically relax while helping you mentally come back into the present moment to find greater focus, clarity, and peace.
Physical Care
I hesitate to even write this section because it could be HUGE if I really got into it. But it’s worth mentioning: if you nurture your body, you will feel better, even just a little bit. Physical activity and eating well—along with many other healthy lifestyle choices—have been shown to positively influence stress, anxiety, depression, and overall life satisfaction. Do not feel like you have to completely change your lifestyle to feel better. Perhaps consider just one thing you can do to nurture your body today. This could mean going for a walk, taking a nap, doing a workout video, drinking more water, putting extra veggies on a pizza, or whatever choice you make that will help your physical body feel better.
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Don’t beat yourself up if the only thing that’s getting you out of bed is a Diet Coke and a cookie. Be gentle and loving toward yourself.
If you want to take this a step further, there is some research supporting ways to apply these principles to female hormone regulation. To learn more about this, I recommend checking out the book The Woman Code by Alisa Vitti. You can also begin tracking your PMS symptoms—physical and emotional—as these may very well correspond with your emotional lows. There are multiple tracker apps available these days. I’ve used Period Tracker since 2013 (Android; iOS). For a more in-depth option, you can check out Alisa Vitti’s app, MyFLO.
For more self-care ideas, check out these past Healthy Humans Project articles:
As Gray shares in Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, feeling support from others is monumental during these low times. I don’t think it’s necessary to shout it from the rooftops (or your Facebook status), but confiding in a close friend or partner could help ease the heaviness during your low times. It may also be wise not only to tell them that you’re having a hard time, but explain what that means, and what you need.
For me, I would say something like: “I’m having a hard day today. I can’t quite pinpoint why, but it feels really heavy. I’m realizing that this happens regularly and that I’ll be back to my normal self soon, so I’m trying to just accept it and move through it, instead of fighting against it. Right now, I don’t need you to fix anything—I just need to feel loved and supported.”
Your partner is also welcome to communicate their needs as well. I mentioned earlier that both women and men experience cycles—for women, it is more commonly in the rise and fall of their ability to love others and themselves, and for men, it is typically a cycle of pulling back from then moving toward others. When we compassionately and lovingly communicate our current state and accompanying needs, we can better relate to and care for one another.
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Communicating and meeting each others’ needs is a vital part of relationships—romantic relationships, yes, but even familial or friend relationships. Therapist Heather Gray states, “If our partners are unwilling to meet our needs, the relationship cannot thrive. If we are unwilling to meet our partner’s needs, the outcome remains the same.” In her article “Why You Need to Accept Your Partner’s Needs” on The Gottman Institute website, she shares more about how to communicate these needs—both for the person communicating their needs and for the person responding.
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Friends, our lows will end. You don’t need anyone to “save you.” You don’t need to panic and fall deeper into your low. You will ride your wave again very soon. The next time you find yourself feeling down, try going with the flow instead of fighting against it. Take care of yourself emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and physically. Confide in a trusted friend or companion. Create a safe space for yourself, and you’ll be back up in no time.
Velten, J., Lavallee, K. L., Scholten, S., Meyer, A. H., Zhang, X. C., Schneider, S., & Margraf, J. (2014). Lifestyle choices and mental health: a representative population survey. BMC psychology, 2(1), 58. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40359-014-0055-y
Vitti, A. (2014). WomanCode: Perfect your cycle, amplify your fertility, supercharge your sex drive, and become a power source. HarperOne.
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
#endthestigma by sharing your journey with mental illness or share this letter on your social media. You never know who may need it.
