Millennials are waiting longer to get married than any other previous generation in history. Why? The answer might surprise you.
On average, Americans are marrying for the first time at age 27 for women and 29 for men. Research suggests there are many reasons for this prolongment, even without taking individual circumstances into consideration. These include: cohabitation as an acceptable societal norm, priority to education and career development, and an emphasis on experiences and self-discovery. But what is keeping millennials from marriage, even more than all of these, is paralyzing fear.
Though marriage seems to be on the back burner, millennials report that marriage is still highly important to them. In fact, young adults regard marriage as so important that the significance of it is what has them paralyzed.
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Sound familiar? As a millennial myself, I hear these phrases often. Can you hear the undertone of fear in these phrases?
“It’s the most important decision I’ll ever make! I need to be sure I’m with the right person.”
Fear of marrying the “wrong” person
“There are so many things I still want to do before I settle down.”
Fear of missing out (FOMO- an acronym coined by Millenials)
“What’s the hurry? I have my whole life to be married!”
Fear of rushing into commitment
The debilitating fear surrounding marriage is understandable. Each of the above phrases highlights a valid reality for the millennial generation. Addressing these fears can help eliminate them and perhaps solve this generational crisis of putting off what we desire most.
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Fear of Marrying the “Wrong” Person
The longer millennials remain single, the more they place marriage on a pedestal, complete with unrealistic expectations and a highly romanticized view of the union. Dr. Spencer James, a researcher in family studies noted, “Many [millennials] believe in a marriage relationship that doesn’t exist and may or may not ever come along.” He continues, “They’re [millennials] delaying it because it’s so important. A stable and healthy marriage feels like the Holy Grail to many.” Fear of making the wrong choice and marrying someone who is not your “perfect match” or “soul mate,” leaves many young adults dissatisfied, lonely and holding out longer and longer for companionship.
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out)
The fear of missing out is rooted in the fact that millennials seem to be trapped between adolescence and adulthood, wanting all the perks of adulthood but the limited responsibilities of adolescence. Psychologist Jeffrey Arnett has coined this dilemma as emerging adulthood. He describes emerging adulthood as a distinct period of identity exploration, a focus on self and excitement for endless possibilities. While previous generations were settling down into home and family responsibilities, millennials are focusing on more individual pursuits such as travel, career, and education. The fear is that these family and individual pursuits are mutually exclusive and cannot go hand in hand.
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Fear of Rushing into Commitment
Marriage is a significant, lifelong commitment and highly valued among millennials. As such, the fear of rushing into this commitment only to fail discourages many millennials from finally tying the knot. With divorce rates at an all-time high, one doesn’t have to look very far to find a failed marriage. Perhaps you yourself were raised in a home affected by divorce. Happy marriages seem unlikely and there seem to be fewer and fewer happy couples to revere. With few positive examples to look to, fear is certain.
Here at the Healthy Humans Project, we believe that while these fears are valid, they are not insurmountable and that happy marriages are possible. We’re here to address these fears and encourage our generation to take the risk of marriage and enjoy the many rewards it has to offer.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust.
Terms:
Emerging adulthood: a distinct period of time between adolescence and adulthood for persons between 18 to 25 years of age
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out (on experiences and opportunities)
Millenial: persons born between the years 1981 and 1996 (those currently 23 to 38 years of age)
References
Carlson, D. L. (2012). Deviations from desired age at marriage: Mental health differences across marital status. Journal of Marriage and Family, 74(4), 743–758. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3737.2012.00995.x
Kuperberg, A. (2014). Age at coresidence, premarital cohabitation, and marriage dissolution: 1985–2009. Journal of Marriage and Family, 76(2), 352–369. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jomf.12092
Lissitsa, S. (2019). Perceived optimal marriage age in the Internet era—Findings of a nationwide survey. Marriage & Family Review, 55(2), 126–151. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/01494929.2018.1458005
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Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
What are your fears about marriage? Identify and share them with someone you trust. 