When was the last time you felt someone really listened to you, or you intentionally listened to someone else? When was the last time you had a deep desire to connect, to be seen, or to be understood? Brené Brown, an accomplished researcher in the field of vulnerability, said, “Connection is why we are here” (Brown, 2010). She adds that we are “wired to love, to be loved, and to belong. When [these] needs are not met, we don’t function as we were meant to. We break. We fall apart. We numb. We ache. We hurt others. We get sick” (Brown, 2022).
The desire to connect and belong are a crucial part of what makes us human. Research shows that feeling connected with others helps to enhance our quality of life (Haslam et al., 2020), positively influences our mental (Santini, et al., 2021) and physical health (Eisenberger & Cole, 2012), and can even promote and stimulate learning in educational settings (Knifsend, 2020).
The question is, how can we create this type of meaningful connection? There is no one right way to create social connection, but here are a few helpful tips to get you started on your path to belonging.
A-T-T-U-N-E
How often do we ask people “How are you?” never really listening to the response and never expecting them to say anything other than “Good, how are you?” What if instead, when asking this question, we listen intently? By truly listening, we set the stage for meaningful connection.
It is equally important to show the speaker we are listening. John Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the world, uses the acronym ATTUNE to describe a healthy way for couples to communicate (Gottman, 1979). ATTUNE stands for: Attend, Turn Toward, Understand Nondefensively listen, and Empathize. This method of communicating is valuable in any type of relationship and helps to create a deeper sense of connection.
Attend- to be mentally present and give your undivided attention
Turn Toward- physically turn towards the person
Understand- ask questions, show genuine interest, and try to understand rather than giving solutions
Nondefensively listen- don’t interrupt or react, just listen
Empathize- let them know you value how they feel even if you have never felt it yourself
Using these tips while listening fosters connection. As we focus on being both physically and mentally present, we showthe speaker that we want to connect with them. As we empathize and physically turn towards others it helps create an environment where the speaker can feel that they belong and are not alone. Listening in this way allows us to get to know someone on a deeper level as they share openly. This cycle leads to further connection and belonging in both the speaker and listener.
After we have created this sense of trust by listening intently to others, it is then important to share about ourselves as well. In my first few months of college, I remember feeling very lonely and that no one knew who I really was. I realized that part of the reason I felt so alone was because of my lack of sharing about myself. No one knew who I was because I was not willing to tell others about myself.
Opening up allows others to see us more deeply. It is in these moments of vulnerability that connection is truly made.
Now, this does not have to include telling someone your entire life story the first time you meet them. Rather it can start with little moments when you share about your day, your job, your family, your feelings, and eventually the things that weigh heavy on your heart or make you who you are. Sharing these important aspects of our lives is what helps us to feel connected and helps connect us to others.
As it turns out, it is in small moments like asking someone how they are doing that create connection. As we listen and are willing to be vulnerable, we create a sense of belonging, where both people can be completely comfortable in their own skin. As Brené Brown says, “True belonging… requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn to be present with people – without sacrificing who we are” (Brown, 2010).
Practice using the ATTUNE acronym in even just one conversation with someone this week. You may be surprised at the difference it makes in your ability to connect!
Brown, B. (2022). The gifts of imperfection: Let go of who you think you’re supposed to be and embrace who you are. Hazelden Publishing.
Eisenberger, N., & Cole, S. (2012). Social neuroscience and health: neurophysiological mechanisms linking social ties with physical health. Nat Neurosci 15,669–674. https://doi.org/10.1038/nn.3086
Knifsend, C. A. (2020). Intensity of activity involvement and psychosocial well-being among students. Active Learning in Higher Education, 21(2), 116-127. https://doi.org/10.1177/1469787418760324
Gottman, J. M. (1979). A couple’s guide to communication. Research Press.
Santini, Z. I., Pisinger, V. S. C., Nielsen, L., Madsen, K. R., Nelausen, M. K., Koyanagi, A., Koushede, V., Roffey, S., Thygesen, L. C., & Meilstrup, C. (2021). Social disconnectedness, loneliness, and mental health among adolescents in danish high schools: A nationwide cross-sectional study. Frontiers in Behavioral Neuroscience, 15. https://doi.org/10.3389/fnbeh.2021.632906
MaCall Smith is from Malad, Idaho and is a Junior studying at Brigham Young University. She is a Family Life: Family Studies Major with plans to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. She is passionate about understanding how to help everyone fulfill their innate human need for connection and belonging.
There’s a scene in the first Harry Potter movie in which Harry is flying on a broomstick through a cloud of winged keys, desperately trying to find the one that unlocks the door in front of him. If he doesn’t find the right key, then he fails in saving the sorcerer’s stone from falling into the wrong hands, thus allowing the evil Lord Voldemort to return to his full wizarding powers (Columbus, 2001).
While we don’t have the fate of the wizarding world resting on our shoulders, we do have our own keys to look for, like finding the key to a successful marriage. Pretty much everyone echoes the same thing: COMMUNICATION IS KEY. If you want a good marriage, then just learn to communicate effectively! Simple as that.
But, let me tell you something: you’re chasing after the wrong key.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of issues could be sorted out if people just followed suggested communicationtechniques (Lisitsa, 2013) during tough conversations like the following:
However, no matter how perfectly you stick to these healthy strategies, sometimes your spouse just doesn’t respond in kind. In these instances, the issue may be disconnect, not communication. In his bestseller on marital relationships, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, marriage researcher John Gottman says, “fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance”— not merely communication (Gottman & Silver, 1999, p. 69).
Again, don’t misunderstand— communication is important, and Gottman acknowledges as much. But, before you can resolve marital conflict through communication techniques, it’s important to lay down a foundation of love.
How do you build love, especially when you sometimes don’t even like your spouse, let alone love them? Take a time out from the constant negotiation and try connecting through love maps, attunement, dating, and even sex.
Love Maps and Dreams: Reintroduce Yourselves
In his years of marital research, Gottman noticed that many couples get so wrapped up in life’s routines that they lose track of the details of each other’s lives. He suggests bringing each other up to speed by sitting down and asking each other questions: What is your favorite TV show right now? Who is your best friend at work? What is something I do that makes you feel loved? Gottman suggests making a game out of it, like playing 20 Questions.
If love maps help you understand your spouse’s topographical blueprint, then the next step is discussing the dreams that lie like buried treasure on your love maps. According to Gottman, 69% of all problems in a relationship are “unsolvable,” meaning they’re manifestations of deeply held beliefs— flags on the map that alert you on where to dig for buried dreams.
For example, fighting about whose set of parents to visit over the holidays may have deeper dreams hidden. Perhaps you fear that visiting your in-laws too often will prevent your children from getting to know both sets of grandparents equally. In contrast, your spouse may feel like you haven’t fully integrated into their family of origin and have a wall up, a “your family” versus “my family” mentality instead of embracing that you are all one family now.
These differences in belief— the boundary of wanting to split time equally versus the belief that you’re all one family now— aren’t bad. They’re just different. Discover these deeperdreams and seek to connect by understanding what your spouse values without judging them (Northrup, 2020).
Attune and Turn Towards: Making Bids for Attention
Emotional attunement, or turning towards each other, is another way to connect. When you focus on your partner, you start to notice cues that suggest your partner wants you to pay attention to them. Whether it’s a sigh that tells you they might want help with the dishes or reaching for your hand during a movie, take those intimate moments to turn towards them and accept their bids for attention. Take a time-out from technology as well, so you don’t miss those important cues.
If you’re fighting because your partner always seems to miss your bids for emotional connection, try two things: Notice your spouse’s bids first and respond positively to them. Your love and attention may influence them to respond in kind over time. You can also try being more direct in your bids for attention. If your spouse missed your sidelong glance, speak up. Try saying “Honey, my shoulders are a bit tight. Could you please massage them for five minutes?”
Go on Dates: Remember your Friendship and Nurture Fondness
In his book Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness, professor Dr. Blaine Fowers extols friendship as one of the key virtues needed to have a successful marriage (Fowers, 2000). Dating is a great way to restore friendship because it reminds you of your initial attraction and courtship. If you can still fondly recall the start of your romance, then you have a foundation of love to work with!
If you’re struggling to find something to talk about other than the kids, work, or your marital problems, then discuss the activity itself. Ask your spouse for help in painting a more realistic tree. Comment on the ducks you’re feeding by the pond. Point out Orion’s Belt as you’re stargazing. Gradually, you can move on to other topics, like reminiscing over how you first met, laughing over inside jokes, or sharing things you appreciate about each other (Brittle, 2015).
If money is the issue you constantly argue about, then find afree or cheap date activity (Snell, 2017). If a lack of time for each other is the argument trigger, start by finding just ONE hour or ONE evening that you both have free. Establish a pattern of more regular dates from there. If you can never agree on an activity, create a jar where you keep slips of paper with date ideas scribbled on them. Take turns drawing an idea from the jar. When the jar picks for you, neither spouse can be mad or feel like they’re always “giving in” to the other, thus helping you avoid more arguing.
Have Sex: Keep the Romance Alive
Having sex releasesoxytocin, the bonding hormone, which is a great way to connect with your spouse (Psychology Today, 2009). While marital conflict outside of the bedroom can cause dwindling affection within, the reverse can also be true. Having a healthy sex life can improve communication and conflict resolution as you both feel loved and desired by each other. If you’ve been practicing attuning to each other like Gottman suggests, your sex life should improve as you notice your spouse’s bids for attention. Additionally, knowing each other through love maps and dreams can also create an emotional safe space for physical intimacy.
In connecting through sex, make sure to prioritize your sex life. Tammy Hill, a licensed marriage and family therapist, suggests booking two nights at a hotel for a getaway. Having two nights away instead of just one to “get it right” eases up performance pressure and helps you focus on enjoying your time together (T. Hill, personal communication, March 2020).
Sometimes sex itself is a source of marital conflict as couples struggle to get on the same page about frequency, technique, initiation, or refusal. If you’re stuck on low sexual frequency (Mark, 2021) or knowing how to initiate, Tammy suggests simply making out with each other. Not focusing on and stressing about whether you’ll have sex can create a more relaxed environment where you end up moving into sex anyway.
When you feel ready to openly communicate about sex with your spouse, invest in books that will aid you in these discussions— what works, what doesn’t, agreed upon cues to initiate or refuse, etc. (Hill, 2020). If there is less ambiguity, there will be less misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Tammy suggests the following books: Sheet Music by Kevin Leman, And They Were Not Ashamed by Laura Brotherson, and The Act of Marriage by Beverly and Tim LeHaye.
Once the foundation of mutual love and trust is re-established, you can revisit your conflicts and use good communication techniques to open a dialogue instead of an argument. Communication IS important, but it goes nowhere if one or both of you are feeling so disconnected that you may not even want to fix the problems you’re fighting about. Connection is the key that lets communication in through the door to save your marriage.
Invest in mutual love in your relationship this week! Consider going on a date, talking about your dreams for the future (individual and couple), making love, or being intentional about responding positively to one another’s emotional bids.
Anna Mader is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University, where she majored in family studies. She is currently living and working in Texas. Besides writing, she enjoys visiting museums and painting.
Years ago, my then four-year-old stood on the small rock wall that divides our backyard from a golf cart path, happily singing a song. As a cart full of golfers drove past, he continued to sing his rendition of “Take Me Out to the Ball Game,” complete with exaggerated vibrato. He didn’t hesitate in his singing and beyond that, he stared these golfers straight in the face as they progressed down the path. My husband, who was in the yard pulling weeds at the time, turned to me and joked that only a four-year-old has the confidence to keep singing while looking a stranger directly in the eye.
We’ve laughed about that moment ever since because of the sweet, unashamed nature of a child who is so comfortable with himself and so oblivious to the potential judgements of others. He’s just completely authentic. I don’t know about you, but singing for a group of strangers in a golf cart is not high on my list of desired activities. Not even if I was a good singer.
Somewhere between our preschool years and adulthood, we seem to lose confidence with who we are, and we begin to fear what other people will think of us. What’s sad about this (other than missed opportunities to hear each other loudly singing things like “Take Me Out to the Ball Game”) is that when we lose our comfort with who we are, when we stop being authentic, our ability to truly connect with other people is limited. Let’s look at why that is and how to combat it so that you can develop the intimate connections with others that make life so sweet.
What is Authenticity and Why Does It Matter?
Authenticity is described as being yourself. It involves knowing who you are and feeling good about yourself paired with a willingness to see yourself clearly—weakness and all (Kernis & Goldman, 2008). Being authentic means letting other people really see you and know you, even though that means they will see the stuff that you struggle with.
It probably isn’t surprising that being authentic usually means more positive feelings about yourself (Neff & Harter, 2002), better mental health (Anderson & Williams, 1985), more happiness in your romantic relationships (Lopez & Rice, 2006) and even finding more meaning in your life (Schlegel & Hicks, 2011). It feels good to be you and to love and accept the real you.
Another major bonus of authenticity is that being the real you fosters connection. Think about a time when you’ve felt really connected to another human. What was happening in that moment? What made it connective?
One of the highlights of my week is my Friday night date with my husband. The poor guy gets to listen to me talk and talk for hours while we get dinner. (He promises he doesn’t mind the number of words that flow out of my mouth during those evenings together.) I love talking with him and sharing our ideas, challenges, feelings, and thoughts from the week, partly because I know he loves me, and I know he cares about what I have to say. I can share with him in a way that I can’t with anyone else. This, for me, is highly connective time as we share who we really are with each other.
There are other times with people who aren’t my husband that feel very connective as well. These times are usually when a friend is sharing something that is hard for her or that she is struggling with or is just telling me about what’s going on in her life. She’s letting me see the real her, not an idealized image of her. She’s letting down her guard and being real with me and that builds connection. It’s our weaknesses and imperfections that make us relatable to each other. That’s what real connection happens—when we let someone see the messy side of us. In short, connection happens when we are authentic.
What Stops Authenticity?
It’s clear that being authentic is the way to go, so what holds us back from that unabashed authenticity of the four-year-old singing to golfers? What stops you from feeling like you can really be you anytime, anywhere?
One of the biggest challenges to authenticity is our desire to live up to the standards that we think other people have for us. We let other people tell us who to be and what that looks like. For example, a “good mom” has a clean house, reads to her kids, knows how to do fourth grade math, cooks yummy, healthy meals every single day, never has a pile of laundry, has meaningful conversations with her kids each day, never yells, gets everywhere on time, plans amazing birthday parties, gets her kids on all the best teams and in all the best schools, and looks good doing all of this. There’s no way any woman can pull off everything that she “should” do as a mother. And yet, somehow, we try to hold ourselves to these types of idealized standards.
The problem with this (other than that it’s completely exhausting and overwhelming), is that if we are sure that everyone around us has an idea of how we “should” be living and we know we aren’t living up to it, we will hide who we are so that others can’t see us falling short. And there goes that opportunity for connection because you can’t connect with someone who is hiding.
Trying to live by ideals that you think others have for you is going to stress you out, make you feel inadequate, and threaten your relationships (Jack, 1991). Instead, if you can be who you want to be and embrace the fact that you aren’t perfect but that you’re a wonderful person who is trying her or his best, you can let down that guard, stop hiding, and maybe even come at the world with the unabashed singing of a four-year-old.
This week, challenge yourself to see ways that you are trying to live up to other people’s standards rather than your ideas of who you want to be. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
In what ways do I tend to judge myself by how I think other people see me? (Watch for examples of this throughout your week.)
Do I often feel responsible for other people’s feelings? What are some examples of this in my life?
When I make decisions, do other people’s thoughts and opinions influence me more than my own thoughts and opinions?
References
Andersen, S. M, & Williams, M. (1985). Cognitive ⁄ affective reactions in the improvement of self-esteem: When thoughts and feelings make a difference. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49, 1086–1097.
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283-357.
Lopez, F. G., & Rice, K. G. (2006). Preliminary development and validation of a measure of relationship authenticity. Journal of Counseling Psychology, 53, 362–371.
Neff, K. D., & Harter, S. (2002). The authenticity of conflict resolutions among adult couples: Does women’s other-oriented behavior reflect their true selves? Sex Roles, 47, 403–417.
Schlegel, R. J., & Hicks, J. A. (2011). The true self and psychological health: Emerging evidence and future directions. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(12), 989-1003.
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at https://amberaprice.com
One of the main things that attracted me to my husband when we first started dating was that I felt so SAFE around him. Not only was he incredibly respectful and sweet in a way that helped me feel physically safe, he also did things that helped me feel safe to share my whole self with him — my thoughts, my weaknesses, my worries, my love, my everything! This has been a crucial piece in the health of our relationship over the years and research supports the importance of creating safety in our relationships in order for them to thrive and last (PREP Inc., 2015).
Here are three critical types of relationship safety and how you can foster them in your relationships:
Physical Safety
The most basic form of safety that is important for healthy and happy relationships is physical safety. While this type of safety requires an absence of physical abuse, I would argue that there is more to building a physically safe relationship than that alone. Real relationship satisfaction is developed when a couple actively works to show love to one another, not just when they don’t hit each other.
Create a physical sanctuary: If you live together, you can increase the felt physical safety in your relationship by making your home a place where both of you can feel safe and at peace. Clean together, decorate together, make the space yours!
Emotional Safety
Emotional safety is just as crucial in a healthy and happy relationship as physical safety. Partners can act as a safe space for each other to share feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams, and vulnerabilities. The strongest relationships are those where partners feel safe bringing their whole self to the table – the good and the bad – and can trust that that whole self will be respected and validated, even when their partner disagrees.
Respond positively to emotional bids: “Bids” are a call for connection in your relationship (you can read more about them here). Relationships thrive when both partners are frequently seeking out ways to connect with each other and are responding positively to each other’s bids for connection. Responding positively to bids does not mean that you always have to say “yes” to your partner. It just means that you acknowledge their bid and follow through with taking time to connect – whether in that exact moment, or setting aside intentional time later!
Ex. Partner 1: “Hey honey, how was your day?” “Hey babe, I’m in the middle of sending this text right now, but I’d love to talk about my day with you and hear about yours. Can we talk as soon as I’m done?”
Keep confidences: Part of creating emotional safety in your relationship involves sharing parts of ourselves that we might not be so proud of. We are all human, and our relationships need to be a space that allows for us to make mistakes, disagree, struggle, and grow together. When your partner shares something with you, don’t go telling the rest of the world (or your mom!). If it is something you need to share in order to get help, talk with your partner about who they are comfortable sharing the information with. This will do wonders for building trust and safety in your relationship.
Practice sharing your emotions: Sharing how we are feeling is not always easy. The good news is, it’s a skill that we can practice! Be intentional about being vulnerable and sharing how you feel with your partner. Especially with difficult or uncomfortable feelings. Consider writing them out first to help yourself identify and process what you are feeling before you approach your partner. Mutual sharing and showing empathy and respect for one another’s emotions will help you build trust and increase closeness in your relationship.
Commitment Safety
Commitment safety is all about knowing that your partner will fight for your relationship, and that they are committed to making things work. When we believe that a relationship is going to last, we are far more likely to be willing to invest time and attention into that relationship. A relationship with strong commitment safety is more likely to last because partners trust in their love for each other and are not afraid that their significant other will bail out at the first sign of trouble.
Dream together: Dreaming about your future together is a great way to work towards actually having a future together! When you dream and set goals together as a couple it deepens your commitment to each other and to your relationship.
Constraint Commitments: Constraint commitments refer to “forces that constrain individuals to maintain relationships regardless of their personal dedication to them” (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). These can be things such as buying a home together, having a joint bank account, building mutual friendships, having children together, social pressure to remain together, etc. “Constraint” sounds like a negative term, but these types of ties in our relationships can actually be really beneficial in strengthening our commitment (Stanley, Rhoades, & Whitton, 2010). The more you have tying you together, the less likely you are to leave the relationship when you encounter disagreements or difficulty* (things that come to every relationship).
* This does not include abusive relationships. If you are in a relationship with abuse of any kind, you have the right to leave regardless of any existing constraints!
Continue investing in your relationship: Commitment and love are both built and maintained over time. The more effort we continuously put into our relationship, the stronger it will grow, and the more likely we are to stay committed to our partner! Investing in your relationship looks like frequent date nights, staying curious and continuing to get to know each other, nurturing your emotional and physical connection, communicating openly and honestly, intentionally connecting throughout the day, etc. Remember that commitment fosters love, not the other way around — the more our actions reflect commitment to our partner and to the relationship, the deeper our love and commitment will actually become.
Working to increase each of these aspects of safety will strengthen your relationship with your significant other in critical ways. As you seek to become a safe place for your partner physically, emotionally, and for the long-run your connection with each other will deepen, and you will be making an important investment in the health and longevity of your relationship.
Take time to think about the current level of safety in your relationship. Do you feel safe with your partner? Does your partner feel safe with you? Why or why not? Choose one of the strategies above to help you foster either physical, emotional, or commitment safety in your relationship this week.
Johnson, S. (2013). Love sense: The revolutionary new science of romantic relationships. New York, NY: Little, Brown and Company.
Prep Inc.. (2015). PREP 8.0 Leader Guide, Version 1.3. Greenwood Village, CO: Author.
Stanley, S. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Whitton, S. W. (2010). Commitment: Functions, Formation, and the Securing of Romantic Attachment. Journal of family theory & review, 2(4), 243–257. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00060.x
Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.
“Discomfort is the call to set yourself free.” – Byron Katie
Few would disagree that training for a marathon is incredibly uncomfortable. Then why do people do it? Eating your vegetables isn’t as enjoyable as having a treat, but most would accept that it’s necessary. Staying out to have fun isn’t as important as getting enough sleep, and we all agree on that. Why? These dilemmas have obvious, physical repercussions that impact our well-being. In these situations we acknowledge that the discomfort of exercising, eating healthful foods, and sticking to a sleep regimen are preferred to the health problems that eventually develop from neglect. How do we apply this same understanding of necessary discomfort to the more ambiguous areas of life? The following suggests ways we can understand and cope with discomfort as it relates to our personal and interpersonal lives.
What does necessary discomfort look like?
What creates discomfort is relative to the individual. Our unique experiences will shape our natural ability to endure difficulty. Necessary discomfort can look like defensiveness in a conversation about race, or gender. Sometimes it shows up in anxiety when speaking your mind as the minority. Another way could be asking for what you want in your romantic partnership. Perhaps it presents itself most strongly when you watch a child make choices with which you don’t agree. Many of us grow to be more and more avoidant in the face of fear. Avoidance is a deliberate refusal to change, grow and learn. To break this pattern it requires that we unlearn our conditioning.
We’re all aware of the reality of discomfort. A logical understanding won’t change the fact that it will almost always feel unpleasant. So, how do we cope with struggle, and fight against the urge to run from it?
Give it a name and a purpose.
A great mindfulness technique is to label your emotional experiences. This helps a person gain control over their feelings. Let discomfort be your guide, not your enemy. When pain surfaces ask, “Why am I feeling uncomfortable?” “What am I making this mean about me?” “What triggered this?” Questioning your experience creates awareness. Next time you feel uncomfortable, list all your sensations, thoughts, and emotions. Mindfulness practice has represented among the most effective strategies for coping with anxious thoughts (MacDonald, 2020).
Sensations: increased heart rate, sick to stomach, tired, hungry, etc.
Thoughts: “He thinks I’m a bad person; She isn’t safe; I’m not enough;” etc.
Emotions: fear, shame, hurt, anxiety, sadness, anger, shock, disgust, etc.
According to therapeutic research, suffering is meaningless without a reason behind it (Frankl, 1984). Practice naming why your pain matters. I.e. “It’s necessary for my child to mess up in order to become a better person.” Or, “Speaking my truth is how I practice honesty, and honesty is a core value of mine.” Or, “All my heroes achieved great things by learning to suffer with dignity.” No matter your reasons, know that defining and giving meaning will bring beauty to the tragedy.
Get over yourself.
Seriously, get over yourself. Understand that the greatest roadblock to growth is ourselves. Entitlement only gets in the way of seeing clearly. What made you above suffering? That is a basic, human condition and unless you’re an alien, superhero, or God, there’s no out for you. I don’t say that to invalidate the real pain that comes from struggle. The opposite. Knowing that we all share in this can unify our experience, and foster more connection. Avoid black and white thinking. Be humble, teachable, and open. Research shows that the single greatest factor for positive mental health is cognitive flexibility (Hepworth, 2010). Move with the discomfort, not against it.
Tell your story.
It’s okay if you prefer to keep certain things close to your heart. Trust is earned and it is a privilege to hear one’s story. However, I do encourage that we share our experiences as often as we can. Speaking candidly about our discomfort is how we own our story, not the other way around. This requires more discomfort of being vulnerable and authentic. But, how else do you expect to receive support in your relationships if no one knows you’re uncomfortable except you? In one study, researchers found that sustaining uncomfortable dialogue was the essential factor in working through conversations around taboos like race, religion, and mental health (Sakamoto, 2005).
First, you can expect others to take personal offense at your resolve to change. One thing I’ve observed in my personal dance with discomfort is how uncomfortable it makes other people feel. This is a phenomena I don’t fully understand. Why not be happy for others when they grow? But, for whatever reason, your personal improvements will rub people the wrong way. You can expect them to point this out as if it’s some sort of failing on your part. Don’t let this keep you from trying. Rather, let it be evidence that you’re doing something right. Many of the greats were not appreciated during their time. Becoming yourself will disrupt the status quo – this is a good thing. Second, you can expect to have really hard days. There will be times when you question your own strength and abilities. Most of the time you’ll feel the urge to avoid, or indulge thoughts of self doubt. We’re not meant to feel good all the time. This is normal and necessary. It takes time to navigate discomfort. And third, it will be totally, totally worth it. The refiner’s fire is painful, but necessary in the making of gold. Believe that there is joy in hindsight. You’ll see.
Recognize that to resist the reality of discomfort is madness. It is also a battle you’ll never win. Spend your time listening to your discomfort, rather than actively working against it. Get out of your own way. Feel your feelings. Speak your truth. It’s all super uncomfortable and scary and uncertain, and there’s just no way around that. But, remember that “discomfort is a wise teacher” (Caroline Myss).
This week, hold space for discomfort. When you feel defensive in conversations, practice analyzing your thoughts, emotions and sensations as described above. Count to ten before you respond. Be authentic with yourself and others. If you’re feeling uncomfortable, speak up! Then walk through why and what is creating your struggle. Give yourself grace, and be patient. You can do this!
References
Frankl, V. E. (1984). Man’s search for meaning: An introduction to logotherapy. New York: Simon & Schuster.
Hepworth, D. H., Rooney, R. H., Rooney, G. D., Strom-Gottfried, K., (2010). Direct social work practice: Theory and skills. Brooks/Cole-Thomson Learning.
Macdonald, H. Z., & Olsen, A. (2020). The role of attentional control in the relationship between mindfulness and anxiety. Psychological Reports, 123(3), 759-780.
Sakamoto, I., & Pitner, R. O., (2005). Use of critical consciousness in anti-oppressive social work practice: Disentangling power dynamics at personal and structural levels. The British Journal of Social Work, 35(4), 435-452.
Dray Salcido is from Elkridge, Utah. She is the youngest of seven and enjoys close relationships with her siblings. She graduated with a Bachelor of Social Work from Utah Valley University. She works at a law firm and volunteers with various populations. She enjoys researching and writing about the human experience, and hopes to make that her creative life’s work.
Practice using the ATTUNE acronym in even just one conversation with someone this week. You may be surprised at the difference it makes in your ability to connect!
MaCall Smith is from Malad, Idaho and is a Junior studying at Brigham Young University. She is a Family Life: Family Studies Major with plans to become a Marriage and Family Therapist. She is passionate about understanding how to help everyone fulfill their innate human need for connection and belonging.
Anna Mader is a recent graduate of Brigham Young University, where she majored in family studies. She is currently living and working in Texas. Besides writing, she enjoys visiting museums and painting.
Amber A. Price is a researcher, writer, and educator with a focus on authenticity and connection. Her mission is to help women love themselves for who they are so that they can find deeper connection with their partners, family, and friends. She currently lives in Utah with her husband and 4 sons and is working on her PhD in Marriage, Family, and Human Development. Amber loves baking cookies and drinking hot chocolate daily-even in July. You can learn and read more about authenticity and connection at 
