At the beginning of 2017, I finally walked away from a chaotic on-again off-again relationship that had left me living in trauma for those past three years. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done. It was a long time coming, but it was still so difficult, and so painful. One of the things that actually brought me a good laugh was when close friends of mine offered to prank my ex, or mess with him in whatever way— even though I knew I’d never take them up on the offers. It was comforting to know that I had friends who had my back in that way, and who knew how to give me a good laugh. It was also a bit awesome to imagine my ex spending days trying to figure out, for example, why his car smelled like a rotting fish! (Again, I never did any of the recommended pranks, but I still think of that particular recommendation with a laugh!)
I chose to approach the breakup—and my trauma recovery—with firm boundaries and with kindness, and I truly believe that this is how I was able to heal and find personal resolution and forgiveness toward my ex.
Boundaries
When we finally parted ways, I set a boundary of ZERO communication with my ex. This was hard—he had been my best friend for years and someone I still connected with in a lot of ways—but because of both his past patterns and my own, I knew that ZERO contact was the only way for me to move forward.
Boundaries will definitely look different for individuals actively in relationships—both romantic and platonic. Each person’s individual boundaries reflect their needs and values. I love how psychologist and researcher Brené Brown defines boundaries: “Boundaries are a clear understanding of what is okay for you and what is not okay for you.” She continues (and this ties into my next point), “There is no way that you can be deeply compassionate towards somebody if they are violating your boundaries at the same time.”
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Boundaries can be anything from a parent enforcing a bedtime, to a young adult maintaining work hours even if a social event conflicts with those hours. In a romantic relationship, boundaries could be anything from requesting a few minutes to decompress after work, to not performing certain sexual acts. Boundaries can be emotional, mental, spiritual, physical, or sexual. Of boundaries, author Melody Beattie elaborates, “We need to be able to be honest and direct in our relationships. One area we can be honest and direct about is the parameters of our relationships. …We can tell [a] person what to reasonably expect from us, because that is what we want to give. How the person deals with that is his or her issue. Whether or not we tell the person is ours.”
My boundaries with the people around me are constantly evolving as I learn more about myself and my own needs. In that moment with my ex, my immediate need was no contact at all for the foreseeable future. That gave me the space to not only move forward, but to begin to heal.
“Information is a powerful tool,” Beattie states, “and having the information about what a particular relationship is—the boundaries and definitions of it—will empower us to take care of ourselves in it.”
Choosing Kindness
“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
-Brene Brown
Toward the end of that relationship, as things were falling apart and trauma was building up, I remember driving through the mountains of Utah listening to a woman named Nicole share her story on the LifeBeats Project podcast. Nicole’s husband of nearly a decade had first asked for a divorce, which was painful enough alone, but later also admitted infidelity. Nicole then shared of her immediate decision to choose to be kind instead of cruel toward him. The whole interview was so, so good, and I highly recommend you listen to it! But the point is, it resonated with me. Nicole gave words to some of the feelings I had been experiencing. I felt pain and grief, but I could still choose kindness.
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I chose to be kind to my ex, but this does not mean that I was always perfect at it. I still felt hurt, and I felt frustrated as I experienced lingering trauma and triggers. I’m sure I badmouthed him too many times to friends of mine, and I do feel sorry about that (live and learn). But when a negative feeling came, I always aimed to redirect it to a neutral feeling—and eventually those neutral feelings became positive feelings.
Above everything else, I know that I never stopped caring about him. That care and seeking for kind thoughts and feelings eventually led me to peace.
Eventual Forgiveness
In time, the triggers and trauma from that relationship decreased. Life continued on. Thoughts of my ex caused less pain than before, and gradually I found peace with the situation. I remember the day I saw him drive by me as I sat in my car at a red light, and I felt no trigger, stress, or fear. I merely laughed. I finally, finally found the forgiveness and peace that I had been seeking.
Part of this healing came from simply living my life and seeking new experiences, including growing through new relationships. But I believe a big part of that forgiveness came from those base choices that I made from the beginning— to set and maintain my personal boundaries, and to consciously choose kindness. Forgiveness didn’t come overnight, but it came, and with it came the peace I had been craving for years.
Option 1: Identify a need you feel in your life— whether your need is being met or not. Create a boundary to help ensure this need is met. Share your need and boundary with someone close to you, ideally someone involved in helping you meet that need. (Example: You recognize that checking your work email in the mornings upon waking stresses you out, so you set a boundary to not open your email until you get into the office. You share this with your boss or a co-worker).
Option 2: When a negative thought toward someone comes into your mind, notice it, and consciously let it go. Perhaps think of a positive aspect to that individual, or ponder a way to give that person the benefit of the doubt. Consider writing these thought processes down.
References
Beattie, M. (1990). The Language of Letting Go: Daily Meditations on Codependency. “August 20: Honesty in Relationships,” 232-233. Hazelden Publishing.
Brown, B. (2015). Rising strong. New York: Spiegel & Grau, an imprint of Random House.
Johnson, B. (2007, February 14). Learning that kindness is a strength and not a weakness, especially when you are hurt by others | with Nicole Hudson of Bot Communications. [Audio Podcast]. Retrieved from https://www.thelifebeatsproject.com/nicole
Allie Barnes graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Studies, earned a certificate in Substance Use Disorder Counseling from Utah Valley University, and studied writing throughout her undergraduate career. In every professional role she’s filled since then, her focus remains the same: People.
A first century Roman satirist once stated that couples should “give up all hope of peace as long as your mother-in-law is still alive” (Shih, 2015). Believe it or not, negative stereotypes and degrading jokes about mothers-in-law have been around since the dawn of time. Contrary to prevailing societal norms, our relationship with our mother-in-law can be amicable and even enjoyable when grounded in mutual love and respect. Below are 4 simple ways to help you jump-start this fruitful relationship.
#1 Have an Attitude of Gratitude
When was the last time you genuinely thanked your mother-in-law? Did you thank her for remembering your birthday, calling to check-in, or for striving to be involved in your family’s life? If it proves difficult to find things you’re grateful for, remember that she raised, loved, and shaped your companion into the person he/she is today- the person you chose to spend your life with! Many of the talents and attributes you love in your spouse may be directly attributed to her. Being grateful is an important habit to utilize when a relationship is strained. Expressing gratitude often will help you maintain a favorable perspective of your mother-in-law.
#2 Rethink Your Expectations
The majority of issues that arise in the in-law relationship (and any relationship, for that matter) emerge from unknown, unspoken and therefore unmet expectations. Research has found that women often “evaluate their mothers-in-law relying on their own mothers as the standard for comparison” (Shih, 2015). And while they “expect [their own] mothers to be very involved in their lives as an extension of their close bonds, they want mothers-in-law to walk a tightrope between close emotional bonds and noninterference.” Is it any wonder that so many unspoken and unrealistic expectations are never met?
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Practice verbalizing your expectations with your spouse, and directly with your mother-in-law. As you invite open communication you will realize which of those expectations are realistic and which need to be modified or set aside. Equally important is asking your mother-in-law about her expectations. An open dialogue will diminish the strain of complicated unknown and unspoken expectations and feelings.
#3 Set Healthy Boundaries
Mental health professionals have said, “Healthy boundaries can be the difference between a healthy, happy relationship and a toxic, dysfunctional relationship….because one may feel that they have no privacy anymore” (Hall Health Center Health Promotion staff, 2014).A key to being able to love wholeheartedly, void of resentment, is to create and maintain healthy boundaries. Remember that your responsibility first and foremost is to your nuclear family (spouse and children), and sometimes this means setting boundaries with well-intentioned extended family. Too often we let feelings of indebtedness overshadow our needs as individuals or family units, which inevitably leads to resentment. Research shows that, “when one person is in control of another, love cannot grow deeply and fully, as there is no freedom” (Cloud & Townsend, 2002). Study out what is important to you and your spouse and create ways in which you can diplomatically set boundaries which will increase love and connection without jeopardizing your own self-control and privacy.
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#4 Be a Kinkeeper
A kinkeeper refers to the wise individual who keeps the larger perspective and end goal in mind–the perpetuation of familial solidarity and cohesion. This person puts forth concerted effort to initiate the nurturing of family relationships and maintains connection throughout the highs and lows of life. It is far too easy and common to criticize or distance ourselves when difficult situations arise, but a kinkeeper values family relationships above personal pride and petty preferences. The kinkeeper will reflect on the issue and initiate whatever measures are necessary to mend and maintain the relationship. Developing the habit of kinkeeping can greatly increase daughter/son and mother-in-law relationships and significantly decrease family tension.
Conclusion:
These four practices will certainly not eliminate all disappointment, frustration or misunderstanding. However, as these practices become habits, they will enable you to create a deep familial bond with your mother-in-law that will set the tone for your shared family culture and influence generations to come.
Choose one of these practices to implement with your mother-in-law this week!
References
Adler, L. L., Davis, W. M., Ahmed, R., Mrinal, N. R., Mukherji, B. R., & Morgan, N. (1989). The perception of mother-in-law and father-in-law in cross-cultural perspective. International Journal of Group Tensions, 19, 245–254.
Cloud, H., Townsend, J. (2002). Boundaries in Marriage. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Shih, K. Y., & Pyke, K. (2015). Seeing mothers-in-law through the lens of the mothering ideology: An interview analysis of Taiwanese, Taiwanese American, and Mexican American daughters-in-law. Journal of Family Issues37(14), 1968–1993. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1177/0192513X15570319
Turner, M. J., Young, C. R., & Black, K. I. (2006). Daughters-in-Law and Mothers-in-Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family: A Qualitative Study of Differing Viewpoints. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 55(5), 588–600. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/j.1741-3729.2006.00428.x
Shirley Anderson is a Utah native and the youngest of five children. She has been married to her sweetheart for three years, and together they have recently begun the journey of parenthood to a darling little girl and are currently living in Stuttgart, Germany. Shirley graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development.
But not everyone loves it. I will admit – at first, I didn’t. Richard and I have had to establish boundaries.
Our jobs are fulfilling and remarkable. We work in different places on our campus, so we see each other only here and there throughout the day. Because we work in a social science field, with adolescents with a variety of diagnoses, strengths, and weaknesses, it is difficult not to take work home. We build relationships with all of these incredible teenagers (yes, we like moody teenagers; shocking, I know) and it is hard to leave that behind when we get home.
Whether you work together or apart, it is important to balance the two and make opportunities for clear couple time as well as debriefing and self care to recover after a hard day at work.
Boundaries Matter!
Richard and I have set specific boundaries. Our boundaries for balancing work may look different than the boundaries that work for others, but after research, classes, and trial and error, we have developed a plan that works.
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Richard joined the company I work at over a year after I had been working there. I was nervous that, instead of acting like my co-worker, Richard would be my husband and try to rescue me when I was trying to work with an angry student. I admit that the fiercely stubborn and independent part of me did not want my husband coming and taking over my turf. We both have strong personalities, and I didn’t want all my hard work to be diminished by the amazing work my husband does. So what did I do?
I communicated.
Communication is Key.
No matter what boundaries you establish to keep your relationship stable and a safe haven after a long day of work, communication is essential.
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Communicating my fears and stresses to my husband helped us define areas where we needed to establish boundaries. And since we have begun working together, we continue to communicate. It is not a one time conversation. We have frequent conversations as new situations come up.
When we get home from work, we communicate about our emotional state:
“I need time to decompress”
“I have a lot of adrenaline and want to use it to get things done”
“Can you rub my feet for about ten minutes?”
Or, if it has been a really hard day: “Tonight is a pizza and ice cream night.” Sometimes we actually have pizza. Sometimes we don’t. Regardless, it’s a code that tells the other person that we have had the worst kind of day.
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Here are a couple of other tips:
Give your partner time to decompress.
Truly listen to the things that stressed your partner about their work day.
Allow your partner a set amount of time (we usually take 30-45 minutes) to relax before having to jump right in to home responsibilities. It takes time to turn off the work switch and turn on the home switch.
If you have a job that allows this, leave work at work as much as possible. At the very least, keep the work emails and calls to a minimum at home.
Set aside specific and regular date time. (We have Mondays and Tuesdays off, so we get all of our tasks done on Monday, and Tuesday is our date day. We run a few errands here and there, but we reserve as much of Tuesday as we can for couple bonding and self care.
Have alone time. This is so important! Just because you are married doesn’t mean that private self care isn’t important. We each have specific time for alone time in which we are not expected to get any chores done – it is time for us to relax and rejuvenate.
Trial and error. It takes time – some things work and some things don’t. Your relationship is unique and needs its own kind of customization.
Have a conversation about areas where you can improve the balance between work and home with your partner. Set up at least one new boundary. After implementing, communicate about how that boundary is working and make adjustments as needed.
References
Althammer, S. E., Reis, D., Beek, S., Beck, L., & Michel, A. (2021). A mindfulness intervention promoting work–life balance: How segmentation preference affects changes in detachment, well‐being, and work–life balance. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/joop.12346
Dee, A. D. A., Dizon, L. C. T., Aldaba, J. R. M., & Teng-Calleja, M. (2020). “Work is life”: An interpretative phenomenological analysis of the experiences of work–life balance among nongovernment workers. International Perspectives in Psychology: Research, Practice, Consultation, 9(4), 230–246. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1037/ipp0000147
Dousin, O., Collins, N., Bartram, T., & Stanton, P. (2021). The relationship between work‐life balance, the need for achievement, and intention to leave: Mixed‐method study. Journal of Advanced Nursing, 77(3), 1478–1489. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1111/jan.14724
Reverberi, E., Manzi, C., Van Laar, C., & Meeussen, L. (2021). The impact of poor work-life balance and unshared home responsibilities on work-gender identity integration. Self and Identity. https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1080/15298868.2021.1914715
Starmer, A. J., Frintner, M. P., Matos, K., Somberg, C., Freed, G., & Byrne, B. J. (2019). Gender discrepancies related to pediatrician work-life balance and household responsibilities. Pediatrics, 144(4). https://doi-org.erl.lib.byu.edu/10.1542/peds.2018-2926
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.
Aubrey-Dawn Palmer was born and raised in Farmington, New Mexico, and she has a bachelor’s degree in family studies from Brigham Young University. She has two younger brothers and is married to her best friend, Richard. In addition to her research on relationships, human attachment, and healthy sexuality, Aubrey-Dawn volunteers with her husband as a teacher for the Strengthening Families Program, is a research director for a counseling center, and works as a home counselor at a residential treatment center.