How to Have a Civil Conversation When You Disagree

Written by Rian Gordon

In today’s world of Facebook rants, cyberbullying, and Youtube trolling, it seems near impossible for anyone to share any sort of opinion without someone else jumping right on in to explain why they are wrong. The truth is, as human beings, we experience the world differently. Because of varying backgrounds, perspectives, and life experiences, we are going to have differing opinions, and yes, even disagreements! This is normal, healthy, and can even be helpful (read on to find out how…). However, most “discussions” that we see happening around us, particularly on social media, often turn into anything short of an all-out riot rather than helping us find mutual understanding and empathy. So how can we avoid this? How can we disagree with someone and still remain civil (and maybe even benefit from the disagreement)? 

Step 1: Keep it Private

Facebook is NOT the place for a conversation where you are seeking to understand or be understood. If you want to have a real conversation with someone where mutual understanding is the goal, be intentional about having that conversation in some sort of private setting (whether that is in person or not). Consider having a video chat or at least a phone call so that you are able to notice body language and voice cues rather than just reading a text (it’s been argued that the actual words we say only make up about 7% of what we communicate (Mehrabian, 1967), so being able to read other non-verbal cues helps lower the possibility of misunderstanding). Create a space where both participants can feel safe, and free from fear of judgment or attack. 

Step 2: Listen and Learn

The most beautiful part about associating with people you disagree with is that we can all learn from each other. If we all thought the same, we wouldn’t need each other. Our varying experiences allow us to gain perspective, and to work together to make this world a better place! The goal of a conversation where there is disagreement on an issue should be empathy, not “winning”. Empathy (taking on someone else’s perspective) is what turns conflict from something divisive into something productive (check out our other articles here, here, and here to learn more about the power of empathy). It can help us come out of the other side of an argument feeling closer and more understanding towards each other. When you listen with empathy, you also have a better chance of learning something from the disagreement, whether or not what you learn changes your opinion. The point is, strive to see disagreement as an opportunity for connection and understanding rather than a fight to be won. 

Step 3: Don’t Put People In a Box

When we disagree with someone on a specific issue, it can be easy to make assumptions about other parts of their lives. Just because someone thinks one way about one matter, doesn’t mean that you can assume that you know all of their other thoughts and feelings. When you notice yourself making an assumption about someone, stop, take a mental step back, and ask yourself, “What is something true (not an assumption) that I know about this person?” Are they a loving parent? A good friend? A hard worker? Rather than getting caught up in your diverging opinions, focus on positive qualities that you KNOW they possess and allow those to shape your opinion of them. 

Step 4: Avoid Black and White Thinking

We’ve all heard the adage, “You’re either with me or against me.” Black and white thinking involves the perspective that there is only one way to do or see something. This thinking pattern can be incredibly harmful when we are trying to communicate with others. When it comes to people’s experiences, thoughts, and choices, chances are they are FAR more nuanced and complicated than we can understand from just a single opinion. When you are having a disagreement, remember that the person you are talking to is part of your same human family and that having a certain opinion doesn’t automatically make you enemies. 

Step 5: The Care is Still There

Finally, it’s important to realize that you can disagree with someone and still care about them. When we disagree about an issue, it can be easy to take that disagreement personally. This builds on the previous steps. Creating a private space of mutual respect, safety, and empathy, along with avoiding assumptions and black and white thinking can help someone to know that you still care for them, even if you disagree. 

Even though disagreement can sometimes be uncomfortable, we don’t need to be afraid of it. When we keep conversations civil and make connection our mutual goal, our different opinions can be a source of learning, empathy, and progress rather than venom and frustration. The next time you find yourself disagreeing with someone, slow down and try to remember that relationships are more important than always being “right”.

The next time you see something on social media that you disagree with or that makes you angry, DON’T REPLY ON THE COMMENT THREAD. Practice restraint, wait a few hours, and then if you still have something that you feel really needs to be said, reach out and have a private conversation instead.

References

Brown, Brené. (2017). Braving the wilderness: the quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone. New York: Random House.

Mehrabian, A., & Wiener, M. (1967). Decoding of inconsistent communications. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 6, 109-114.

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Rian Nicole Gordon is from Orem, Utah, and graduated from Brigham Young University with a Bachelor of Science in Family Life and Human Development. She has been married to her best friend Mark for five years, and they have two beautiful children, one boy and one girl. Apart from her full-time job as a stay-at-home mom, she works for The Dibble Institute, which specializes in relationship education for youth.